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Well i finally took all of your advice and forced myself to see a counselor. She is also a licensed marriage counselor but I went for myself only at this time. It's funny how a simple question can bring so much clarity when it is posed from someone else. She asked, "can you tell me what you are receiving from this marriage?" and I guess because I had just spend the previous 45 minutes telling her how he did me wrong, how all i want in this world is a family and to be a mother, but how I don't want to have any kids with a schmuck, my answer was so simple....I said "nothing". Then after more processing I realized, the only thing I am receiving from this continued "marriage" is the comfort of dysfunction. The comfort of not taking a scary plunge back into the possibility of a real life again! Anyway my homework is to research a local women's center at a college that offers very cheap legal consultation. I am to see how much it would cost and see about getting an appointment to discuss divorce etc. I came home and already did my homework. I feel like I have a HUGE pit in my stomach but at the same time I feel like I have to fight to have a better life!!! I am glad this board exists because even tho I am usually a silent observer, it does help to see others are surviving this very same process! So thanks to those who post. Sometimes it helps and you don't even know it!

((((silentlyscreamin))))

I hear you. It's so sad that we get caught in preserving the familiarity and comfort of the madness we live in, even when we know it's madness. I fell into that same trap with my WXH.

I am SO much happier without him. But in the course of our marriage I lost parts of myself that I am slowly picking back up along the way. I have my amazing DS, and I have this totally awesome boyfriend now, I'm rocking my grad school classes, I have a wonderful support system of family and friends (including some awesome ones from this site)... I think I'm okay.

You'll get through this. One day at a time. Sometimes, even one minute at a time. But you'll get there.

More hugs.

((((silentlyscreamin))))

ETA: Be GLAD you didn't have children with this schmuck. I have one DS from my marriage to the schmuck and he is just as much an idiot now as he was then.

[This message edited by abbycadabby at 2:35 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]

Thank you for sharing and good for you for seeing a counselor! I agree with what you said WHOLE HEARTEDLY about this S/D board. I KNOW I would not be where I am right now had it not been for all these people. I hope you are able to continue counseling. Lastly, your counselor asked such a thought provoking questions and I know that I will take a few minutes to think about an answer. Take care!

((((HUGS))))

Good for you for being honest with yourself & your counselor. And double good for you for taking action & doing that research!

One step at a time!

She asked, "can you tell me what you are receiving from this marriage?"

My IC asked me the same thing the last time I saw her. All I could think of was that he is a good handyman, to fix things. I was stumped for any other response.