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How to cope with his new physical appearance

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9yearsgone posted 8/8/2013 14:08 PM

Phew! Just mis-typed the web address for this site and thought it had gone! That would be a serious loss. Anyway, so here we are almost 7 years past D-Day and FWH has discovered a new fitness routine. Ironically it was me who encouraged it as my daughter and I both needed to lose a few pounds and this was VERY hard with mr "lets have second helpings" around! Well, be careful what you wish for girls because 6 months later and he has lost SEVENTY POUNDS! Amazing right? Fair enough, he had it to lose in the first place and he's still medically considered overweight but he is literally a shadow of his former self - and I am hating it

If he wasn't mine and I was watching him in the street I would probably think "yum" but he's not the man I physically knew and I honestly dont know why that bothers me so much. My friends all say it's because I think he'll cheat again and maybe they're right but that's not really ringing true. I put my arms around him and he's just not "him" anymore you know? It's getting to be a real issue as I'm physically turned off by him and am back to faking it - ugh! I've even tried telling myself that I'm being unfair as I'd expect him to still love and want me if I had an accident and lost a limb - that's how drastic the change in his physical appearance has been!

Has anyone else been through this? Any tips or advice please? We've worked too hard to stay together after the A, I can't lose him to a stupid diet regime! Thanx in advance x

thisissogross posted 8/8/2013 21:19 PM

((9yearsgone)) sorry you're having a tough time with this. I don't know exactly what to say but here are some thoughts:

This is something many of us may carry STRONG feelings about and it doesn't shock me that you are having a strong reaction to this change. 70 lbs is a BIG change and maybe you're just adjusting? Maybe your h's last signifigant weight loss occured around the time of his A and you're triggering? Is he all preening about it and it's an attitude thing? Or, is it strictly his physical appearance you're reacting to? I guess I don't have any clarity for you . . . wish I did.

H and I both lost just before he cheated. Body image stuff can have such an impact on how we function and react, it's good you're aware and wondering about it anyway. Best wishes.

scangel3 posted 8/9/2013 00:01 AM

I am so glad to find out i'm not alone i'm this. My wh also lost 70-80lbs over the last year, at first I was excited for him, then jeleous, but I too am struggling to be physically attracted to his new self. He's not the same person and the A 3 years ago on top of it is not helping my self-esteem. Not to mention i'm struggling to lose even 5lbs let alone the 50+ I need to.

I wish I had advice for you, but know you are not alone. I've been wondering if I would still feel this way if he hadn't had his A, but been afraid to even bring it up with anyone

betrayed5years posted 8/9/2013 00:33 AM

I am usually the odd person out on things....I wish my WS would keep the weight off as it is his life. He needs to lose weight to live and I see his eating/gaining as a way out and leaving me to clean up the mess he has made of our lives.

Joined a gym, he does not want to go ever. Fix healthy meals, he snacks on junk food. It is his life problem that he blames his low esteem which lead to the A....yes, he takes full responsibility of the A. He does not want to make the eating habit changes to live...why should I work at R when he won't work to live? Cold hearted....not really. Just don't want to bury him

broken81 posted 8/9/2013 10:21 AM

I know how you feel. My WH lost alot of weight during his A. I was very turned off by his constant dieting, exercising and hip bones digging in to me.
I missed my husband with a perfect belly to cuddle up to. That was the man i married.
He has gained some of the weight back, he doesnt diet but still works out just not to the extreme.
We have talked about it and he knows i love him either way but prefer him more "comfy" and less obsessed with his weight. you should discuss it with him, even if he doesnt gain it will help for you to share your thoughts with him.
I should add that this started from his parents who are weight obsessed and a comment from his boss about his weight. Too many people telling him he was fat. His parents still tell my 9 year old she is getting fat, has a muffin top, shouldnt wear a 2 piece. Shes not that chubby! they seriously have issues. I have threatened to not let them see my kids.

brkn_heartd posted 8/9/2013 19:22 PM

I can relate somewhat. My H and I have both lost a lot of weight in the last year. I have lost 100+ and he has lost 70. I will tell you that we both feel much better and happy for the other being more healthy.

As far as not recognizing each other...I will tell you some day's I do not recognize myself in the mirror, sometimes I do not recognize him in a crowded room. He passed me bike riding a couple of weeks ago looking for me and didn't recognize me. We have each changed, but we feel different inside, so I am sure it shows outside.

I would ask if deep down, you are worried he might cheat or is cheating which is why it is turning you off? The fear of the why he is losing it may also bother you. I know during the beginning I looked at my H and didn't know could he have done this to me?? If he had lost a lot of weight during the A or in the early days of R I would have been very suspicious and angry.

Have you talked to him about this at all?

9yearsgone posted 8/11/2013 14:29 PM

Thank you so much to everyone who has posted, I forgot what a massive comfort this place is just knowing you're not alone. Reading through all the replies and thinking about it, I guess if I look inside it IS really fear of another A that's chewing me up. If other women fancied him enough to wreck my marriage when he was chubby and couldn't climb the stairs, what hope do I have now he looks trim and fit and rides his mountain bike everywhere. So I guess it's not fear of him cheating but fear of increased offers / opportunity to do so. You're right, I need to talk to him about it, just hate feeling needy and don't want to sound whiney about it. Thanks again guys - wish me luck!

UndecidedinMA posted 8/11/2013 14:47 PM

I am replying from the other side of the equation.

Years ago I had GBP and lost over 200lbs, my then DH just couldn't handle it. He even tried to sabotage me to gain wieght back. He would not do counseling, he would not talk about with me. I just tell he viewed me different. It did cause the death of our marriage.

Talk to him, get MC/IC, if he had joined me we may still be married. This just exasperated our issues. We do remain friends now but who knows what would have happened.

I also lost many women friends who thought I was after their DHs. My weight changed not my morals but then again I was not a WW, so I can see how that might affect the trigger points.

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