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DollheartDead posted 8/8/2013 15:22 PM

My worst fears came true yesterday, and now I am on a site that no one should ever have to be a member of.

I was at work and I received a letter addressed to me, no return address. The writer said that my husband is a serial cheater and that I should put a Keylogger on the PC, get a GPS for his truck,and pull his credit cards far far back.The writer told me to catch him and then confront him. They said that he was not currently screwing anyone but that he was just between affairs. I have no idea how I kept it together but I did. I sent him a photo of the letter, his response was "who hates me?" As the letter was very specific in some details that only someone who knows both of us could know, I knew it was real. "15 years together, 12 years of marriage just got flushed, my life is over", was all I could think. When I came around the corner on my way home, I saw his truck parked in front of the house I knew he was going to tell me something I didn't want to hear (he was home early). I confronted him and was almost police like questioning him "When?, how many times?" I didn't even cry at first, I was in such shock. He told me the exact night it happened in 2008 as I was out with some elementary school friends. He had gone to the pub for some dinner and ran into a girl he knew in high school. She started chatting him up, and of course he loved the attention, who wouldn't? But they took it further and went back to her place and the rest is history. I asked him if he was safe and he said yes. He said that after that she called him at work and they arranged to meet up. This apparently only happened a few more times then she stopped calling and he didn't pursue it further. The letter indicated that there were multiple instances, so this morning I confronted him again. I told him he owed me the truth and that in order to make an informed decision about what the future looks like, he had to spill all of it. He told me that there was ANOTHER woman that he met online and proceeded to have a 2 year affair with- he ACTIVELY went and looked for this. I asked him if they had ever come to our house and he said no. And she was married too, but guess what, not anymore-shocker!

I want to throw up, I feel so disgusted, betrayed, broken, dead inside. How the hell do people do this? We are seeing a MC tomorrow and he is going to do IC as well and so am I. I can't figure out whether he is truly sorry or if he is just sorry he got caught. He says he loves me and always has but his actions show the opposite, this is nothing but pain.And what makes this so much harder is that obviously someone we are friends with knows (another detail of the letter), so if I choose to work through this, I look like a doormat and I will be humiliated even more. If I leave, I lose everything, my marriage, home,and his family who I am very close to. He made the decision 5 years ago when the first encounter happened - he has all but taken that choice away from me.

He told me that it was just sex and that emotionally it meant nothing, which I can't understand, no matter how hard I try. He told me that he cuts himself to relieve emotional pain that he feels. He said he will sometimes hit and punch himself because it makes him feel better. The scar he pointed to was a cut I remember asking about, but he has a physical job so he said he did it at work. He is so broken and I had no idea. How could I not have known?

I know ultimately it's up to me but this is so fucking unbelievable (sorry for the swearing but it's how I feel). We both spoke to crisis counselors via phone last night and the counselor told him that he is possibly a sex addict. Whether I believe that this is a real thing I don't know, I'm not a shrink. I think he has some major issues and he is willing to go to IC and MC to work through them. Sadly the counselor I spoke to said that the majority of the calls they receive are about cheating and betrayal. Is having a monogamous marriage a myth?? Am I the weird one and is everyone else normal?

We are most likely going to do a trial separation in the meantime.
Has anyone reconciled after something like this? Am I stupid, should I leave and let him and his whores win? Any help is welcome.

LA44 posted 8/8/2013 15:39 PM

Hello ((DHD)) and fellow Canadian.

I am so very sorry to read your post. Unfortunately there are many of us here who can relate to your pain, shock, feelings of helplessness and confusion.


Please know that right now - and I say this respectfully - you are not capable of making any important decisions. You are running on empty and emotions. Not a good combo. This was the best advice I got. It stopped me from packing bags and kids and flying home. I am glad for that, now.

Please take care of yourself -when you eat (if you can) make it good-for-you food, lots of water and if you have a good friend or family member you TRUST, talk to them.

I can't figure out whether he is truly sorry or if he is just sorry he got caught.

This will come in time. Actions stand behind words.

Your H has a lot of work to do. And he is also cutting himself? Glad he is going to IC. You might want to consider that as well. This is a traumatic experience for you.

Yes, R is possible. There are many of us living it, working at it, now. But that is a place you need not worry about right now.

Worry about you. I know you hurt. The pain is unbelievable and like nothing else. It's hard to believe but in time things will get better. For now, just take care of you.

And finally, do as much reading as you can. It helps to read something sound and logical during this crazy time. The Healing Library at the left is a GREAT place to start.

I wish you well one moment at a time.

[This message edited by LA44 at 3:39 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]

Reality posted 8/8/2013 15:40 PM

I'm so sorry, Doll. I'm so, so sorry.

You have a lot of information to process. Believe it or not, you need even more information. I know it's hard when it feels like your head is full of cotton and everything hurts, but it will help. Read through everything in the Healing Library, that's linked in the upper left corner. Spend as much time as you can reading through threads, getting the books recommended.

You need to do the research. It's so easy to think that big trauma is unique or that his situation is "special" or that his type of being "broken" exempts him from normal behavior.

Once you read enough, you'll see that so much of a betraying spouse's behavior looks almost identical to every other betraying spouse. It helps to know that, to take away a lot of the power behind their excuses.

We're here for you, Doll. Keep talking it out. It helps to see it written down.

[This message edited by Reality at 3:45 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]

DollheartDead posted 8/8/2013 16:00 PM

Thanks so much for the kind words and the support. I feel so worthless and alone. There is no happy ending, Cinderella fucking lied.

TrustGone posted 8/8/2013 16:08 PM

Hi Doll,

I am so very sorry that this has happened to you too. It is the worst pain imaginable, worse than even the death of someone very close to you.

Like other's have said take care of yourself first. Drink, eat, sleep even if you don't feel like it. Also do not make any long term decisions at this time. It takes months to process this. Also be warned that you have probably not even scratched the surface of what all he has really done. Most WS's will with hold info to try and protect themselves, while all along telling you they are trying to protect you from anymore pain. Either way R or D is a long, drawn out ordeal that you will have to confront and deal with. There are many people on this site with excellent advice. Take what you need and leave the rest. You will hear people say to try and reconcile, you will have people tell you to Divorce his ass, you will have people tell you to do lots of things.

Ultimately it is your choice on what you will do and the circumstances are different for all of us. The great thing about SI is that you will gain knowledge and receive lots of support for whatever you eventually decide to do. The first few weeks are hell, but it does get better as you get over the initial shock. Hang in there and post often. It really helps to talk to people that have been there and know what you are feeling at any given time.I am sending you a virtual (((HUG))) and hope that it helps ease your pain just a little bit. Hang in there and buckle up, it is going to be a very bumpy ride for a long time to come.

sad12008 posted 8/8/2013 16:54 PM

Welcome to SI, DollheartDead!

I hate that you have reason to join us, but there is no better place to be when this hell of infidelity explodes your world.

Read, read, read here on SI is my mantra. You can learn so much not only from reading things in The Healing Library (look in the yellow box on the upper LH side of your screen for the link), but also from the posts in this forum and the General forum.

I know you're blown away right now, overwhelmed by the horror, shock, and pain. Be sure to do your best to take care of yourself by eating and drinking enough to keep your body going. Easier said than done if your stomach is in knots and you're entirely consumed with what's going on in your life. Pure and simple this is trauma, and it's normal to be knocked for a major loop by it.

Has anyone reconciled after something like this?

Absolutely (raising hand): my fwh & I. I also have a friend for life from here on SI who was in a similar boat. She & her H are no longer here frequenting the site, but they're doing very well and are still together 5 years later. Both of our fwh's had some issues to deal with from their FOO's (family of origin) and both worked with ICs separate from any MC.

He says he loves me and always has but his actions show the opposite, this is nothing but pain.And what makes this so much harder is that obviously someone we are friends with knows (another detail of the letter), so if I choose to work through this, I look like a doormat and I will be humiliated even more.

The more you read here, the more empowered I think you'll feel. You'll see there are wonderful, wonderful people on here...people you'd never dream would be cheated on. Infidelity is no reflection on you, nor on your marriage, nor on the quality/quantity of your sex life, but rather a sign of your wh's issues. May I also recommend a fantastic book by the late Dr. Shirley Glass (an infidelity researcher) titled, "Not Just Friends". It is very validating and helpful.

Believe me I understand feeling humiliated knowing that others knew/know. It hurts. Don't let that sway your decision; it will come to be insignificant with time. Speaking of time, you don't have to make any decisions now.

I asked him if he was safe and he said yes.

Gently, this is very likely NOT true. "That's what they all say" sadly rings true when it comes to cheating. Think about it: they're already breaking their vows to you and betraying you, an ultimate selfish act. GET TESTED FOR STDs AND ENSURE YOUR WH DOES, TOO. I know, one's chest swells with pride to be a long-time married woman who has to seek out STD testing...feels like the Walk of Shame. Again, take care of yourself; be proactive. We went to the county health department because I couldn't bear the thought of it being in MY medical records. Regardless of where you go, though, my experience (and that of those I've read about here on SI over the years) is that these medical professionals have seen & heard it all. They are compassionate.

Oftentimes...actually, it seems most of the time, the initial accounting you get from the WS about their doings illustrate the term, "minimizing". "A few" may mean 6; "a couple" may mean 10. Full unvarnished disclosure was one of my primary requirements for trying to R.

I can't figure out whether he is truly sorry or if he is just sorry he got caught.

Time and his actions or lack of actions toward helping you heal will answer that question. It feels like purgatory in the interim, though, when your life as you knew it has been tossed on its ear.

As horrible as this is, I wish someone had sent me a letter. You deserve to have informed consent in your life. Unlike your wh's response of "who hates me?", I'd tend to say someone cared enough about YOU to tell you.

Hang in there, you're with friends now and we'll help you get through this.

LA44 posted 8/8/2013 17:02 PM

You are NOT worthless.

And while you might feel alone right now, there are many of us who are holding your hand in cyber world.


DollheartDead posted 8/8/2013 17:50 PM

Thanks so much. I have such a hard time believing that there are so many of us. I just wish you were with me here in the real non cyber world. I feel that everyone here is very supportive. My WH has already texted me repeatedly today and he says he needs and wants help. It's a step but I don;t know if I am ready or able to make the journey...[That feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died]

canteat posted 8/8/2013 17:58 PM

I just wish you were with me here in the real non cyber world

In a way we are. It's in the knowledge we can share, the support we can give. The knowing that you are not alone, or crazy. Others have felt the same way, gone through the same things. Carry us with you in your heart. We are here, we understand. We care.

[This message edited by canteat at 5:58 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]

sad12008 posted 8/8/2013 21:31 PM

I remember so clearly feeling like I needed IC/MC 24-7 early in. SI people kept me going...they were my 24-7...which is why I'm still here. You'll get through this.

hard_yards posted 8/9/2013 03:26 AM

I wish I could give you a real non cyber hugs as well, but this is the next best thing (((DHD)))

Honey, you're in for a heck of a ride, it's trauma, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

It's also wise to research the stages of grieving... anger, denial, etc...

You'll find yourself cycling through them, in no apparent order, and probably many times.

Just remember, always remember, that none of this is your fault, none of it. If there were issues in your marriage (and I'm not for one second suggesting there was) then 50% that goes to each partner... but lying and cheating? being unfaithful? that's all on him, 100%.

Watch out for blame-shifting and rug-sweeping from your WS once he gets over the shock that you know about his nasty secrets.

Also remember that you don't have to make any hard and fast decisions right now, in fact it's better if you don't. Take all the time you need to get your head around your new reality.

There definitely can be life after infidelity with your WS, but much of the success of that depends on your WS actions right now. R is not for everyone, it's hard work, but can be ultimately the right option.

For some, infidelity is a deal breaker, there are worse things than starting over, living a life with someone you no longer trust or have faith in is one of them. But again, make no big decisions right now.

Hugs honey, lots of hugs, lean on the collective knowledge and support you find here, there's always someone around and usually will have walked the path you now find yourself on.

sohowamI posted 8/9/2013 03:49 AM

I'm so sorry that you have to be here too. It's a place that none of us ever wanted to read of and to know but at least it's a safe place and there is so much information and good advice that you can take.

I found out 15 months ago about my WH's multiple affairs - and these, literally, are multiple. It's been an agonising time but I can tell you that time is a healer. You will feel like the proverbial shit on toast for months, then, somehow things won't appear so bad and the triggers will lessen.

My advice to you: keep on searching. There will be other information that your WH has kept to himself. You need to know everything. Maybe you don't want to know every sordid detail (I did) but it's healthier for a relationship to survive if he is as transparent and as truthful now that he can be. If he doesn't want to and doesn't work 100% towards keeping you, then it's not worth it.

I didn't eat for two months. Sounds nuts but it was true (my 'Golden Lining'!); I had a breakdown and became psychotic. I drank far too much and took pills. Everyone is different. The best thing though was that we didn't separate. Being together meant that we HAD to talk and we pretty much spoke non-stop for months. We made up for 36 years of emotional silence. Everything and anything. It had made for a new relationship. It's not perfect and it will never be. There's far too much baggage but my WH is in therapy; we did the MC for nine months and she was excellent and I also have a good IC.

Remember: it's not YOUR fault that he had affairs. Don't blame yourself! Whatever happens in a relationship, there is no excuse to seek love/intimacy/sex outside of a marriage. There's a hole in the person who does this and it doesn't reflect on the person who has been betrayed.

And worrying about who knows? There's always going to be people who judge. I was in such shock when I found out that I told far too many people (and I am a really reticent, private person) so it means that the fallout from knowing who your real 'friends' are is enormous but at least you will know...

So take time, sit down, talk and talk and talk and try to look after yourself too.

confused615 posted 8/9/2013 05:39 AM

Find out if the OW is divorced..chances are,she is married and your WH is lying to protect himself.

You need to be tested for STD' does he. He may say he wore a condom every time(unlikely),but if they had oral,it was unprotected.

Im so sorry.


DollheartDead posted 8/9/2013 10:21 AM

Thanks again so much everyone (((hugs))). I told him last night that I needed to know EVERYTHING in order for there even to be a chance to work this out. He finally admitted he did have 1 more; a one time hook up and he is telling me looking me in the eyes. I want to believe him. And as you said sad12008 he admitted that with the first, he was safe each time. With the second, only the first time with her and then he wasn't. Her husband and her were separated and in the process of getting a D. The third he found on Craigslist, he created a false identity and then deleted the false e-mail after the meeting. There was oral involved with all.
He says that's when he stopped. He did admit that even in the last year he went seeking others online but their schedules never made it possible to meet up oh boo hoo. He said he started being happier at home so he stopped. The letter I received did indicated that there is currently no affair happening. He sleeps in our spare bedroom, I sleep in our bed and when I wake up each morning the pain comes back all over again. I look over at his side of the bed and I just cry. I think about how on a day like today, his day off, and I am home too (due to all this) but in happier times we would normally be in bed making love right now. I have lost 4 pounds in three days, that is the only upside to this. I ate once yesterday, WS actually cooked it and served it to me, he has NEVER done that. We are going to our first MC session today.He is still wearing his ring, I am not. I keep thinking in my head "is this really a test to see how strong your M is?" He says he wants help, he says he will go to all the IC and MC needed. Is it wrong to let him stay here at least under the same roof? sohowamI - I see that you did not separate.Are you R? He is going to call his Dr today as a full blood workup was just done a month ago on him but don;t know what was included.

I have an STD full panel testing booked today, the walk of shame the walk of a complete fool. MC is later today. Better get my waterproof mascara on and bring a full box of kellnex cause this is gonna suck.

[This message edited by DollheartDead at 10:22 AM, August 9th (Friday)]

confused615 posted 8/9/2013 10:29 AM

If he wasn't specifically tested for STD's a month ago..then he needs to be tested..a full panel.

Walk of shame? No honey. This is not your shame. You did nothing wrong. You loved you husband,you trusted him,and you made love to him...HE is the one who fucked up..he should be ashamed.

Be prepared...they lie and deny...even though he has told you some things..chances are,there's a lot more.

doesitgetbetter posted 8/9/2013 10:41 AM

DHD, I'm so sorry you are here! A few things:

When you get tested for STD's, ask them to test you for Herpes as well, they don't normally do that unless you ask.

Surely your WH didn't use a dental dam when he had oral sex with the OW, so he needs to be aware that he is now at risk for throat cancer caused by HPV. Way to go for not being educated! My H is also at risk for this same thing. And, because they are at risk, that means that they can also give us HPV which causes cervical cancer in us, and it can take several years to show up. So stay on top of your annual pap's!

It IS possible for people to work through this, even in a situation like yours. Our stories are similar, you can read my profile for all of the details by clicking on the little smiley face at the top of my post near the paper and pen icon. My H had several ONS's, he sought OW online, and he had one woman that he would hook up with for 18 months. I found out about all of them 5 years after his first ONS happened. Today, we are almost 6 years out and our M is wonderful, and I would remarry him again today if given the chance.

When you are ready to have sex with him again, please use condoms the first few times until you can both be tested for HIV 6 months from now. It's important to be tested twice to make sure you're both clean. And whatever you do, use birth control, you really don't need a surprise baby in the middle of all of this.

Prepare yourself for more "truth" to fall out of him. It's totally common, it's called trickle truth or TT. They tell you in bits and pieces to see if you can handle it, or to minimize their culpability.

And lastly, my H was not a cutter, but I have been. My H was having using his affairs the same way I was using cutting. We both felt we didn't deserve anything good in life, we both didn't know how to express and deal with our feelings, and we both sought these things for a release (his was a verification that he really didn't deserve anything good and he was a bad guy, mine was to let out that pain I felt inside). I would imagine your WH will be cutting more in the next few months while trying to learn how to deal with his emotions and all the pain that will be in your home for a while.

You're not alone DHD. You're NOT to blame for his affairs, nothing you did caused him to cheat! And you ARE a wonderful person who deserves the best in life. And Cinderella DID lie unfortunately. (((DHD)))

emotionalgirl posted 8/9/2013 11:03 AM

I am so sorry that this is happening to you or for that fact any of us. My D day was just under a week ago
I ended up here's the next day. This community has been amazing, they don't judge and they tell you the honest facts without bias using their own stories as their guide. I too was/am wrecked and devestated. I have been married 25 years and thought I had a great marriage ( we were the couple everyone envied and women wanted their husband to be more like mine ha jokes on them now). Remember this if nothing else we all grieve at different rates and major decisions should not be made when you are in such a state of heightened emotion. Take this time for you and take extra special care of you and your needs the answers will show themselves when you are ready for them. I truly believe there is a light at the end of ever dark tunnel some tunnels are just really long and really dark. Hugs to you!

Him: WH - refuses to admit or a knowledge affair has broken NC
Me: BS after 25 years - trying to find myself and work on me. Believing that the way will show itself eventually! Still a bit emotional but not crying anymore... Just angry and using it to motivate myself to 180!

sohowamI posted 8/9/2013 11:17 AM

Hi DHD. I don't think that there's anything wrong in being under the same roof. As you saw from my post, we haven't separated - although at times I did wish that I had thrown him out! It made the investigation/attrition/demands far more intense though.

We are still together. He is trying his best (which is, ultimately, the best that he CAN do) to be IN a relationship. I don't think that he really knows what that means. After all, he's been unfaithful to me for most of our married life...

So we are working on a kind of 'reconciliation' but today, ironically after writing to you, it has been a bad day for me. I still have them. I am still forensic and still (stupidly) go over chats that he had online with OWs and correspondence that he had with the major AP and #11! More fool me...

It's a long haul and you and your WH really want to have to work at it.

DollheartDead posted 8/9/2013 11:26 AM

He made an appointment to have full STD panel done, I told him to get checked for everything including herpes. He is angry again, just left to get a coffee and go to his appt. He actually cried today and said he knows I will never forgive him. I said it's way too soon to even say that. I know there's more, the question is how much more can I handle? My appt is this afternoon, pray for me that my doc doesn't find anything today and I will have to wait for results on the rest. I just want to die, I feel this horrible sickness washing over me and I wish I could disappear. I hope MC goes well today.

confused615 posted 8/9/2013 12:05 PM

Tell him you want the doctor to send his STD results to you.

Why is he angry?

He is worried you won't forgive? Forgiveness is earned..over a very long period of time..through consistent,honest,remorseful actions. He has a LONG way to go.

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