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Newest Member: ChaosRider (45729)

User Topic: I really need help...
ccw82
♀ 40133
Member # 40133
Sad  Posted: 3:48 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been 7 1/2 weeks since I found out about his infidelities. I feel like we've said all we can say, over and over. I'm tired of going in these conversation circles:

"How could you? Why did you? What the hell?"

"I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, I made a mistake, you and the kids mean everything to me!"

He's willing to do everything I ask him to do; the problem is, I don't know what to ask him to do in order to make me feel better about what he has done to hurt me. I don't even know what I can do for myself to make me feel better!

It's like all he has to do is act right and be a good husband and father "from this day forward", like he should have been doing all along, for him to feel fine. He's going about business as usual. Meanwhile, I'm the one constantly suffering from the pain, hurt, anger, fear, and sorrow...not to mention my self-worth has plummeted to an all-time low. I'm the one that has to put the hard work effort into "moving forward", trying to forgive him, and trust him again. In order to work on that, I'm the one that has to take on the time-consuming tasks to police him, check in on him, and perform a daily review of his electronic devices. Even then, it still doesn't feel like it's enough. While partaking in his infidelities before, he had a secret email account, utilized computers and phones that were not his own, and was basically able to cover his tracks for years. But still, let's say I don't ever find anything...there is still whatever is in his head that I will NEVER be able to tap into!

I just don't feel like I will ever be enough to fulfill his needs and wants, emotionally or physically, as it appears I've been unable to do so now. He constantly tries to reassure me that I am, but he's been "reassuring" me our whole relationship! If I had been all he needed and wanted, he would never have been looking to hook up with strange women from Craigslist or dating websites, let alone have sex with a prostitute!

I look in the mirror now and fret over ever little blemish on my body, and having had kids I've got a fair amount of small stretch marks, surgical scars, and other imperfections. I'm "too tall", "not pretty enough", "too fat", and any other discomplement I can I see when I look at my reflection.

The only way I see out of this feeling of despair is to distance myself, emotionally and possibly physically. I'm torn because I really loved him, and still do...but do I even know who he is anymore? The man I married would never have done any of this.

What do I do? I'm having a really hard time! So far MC and IC have not been helping me...perhaps they have been helping him, but I feel sick over this every freaking day!

Everyone says it takes time, but time is a cruel bitch, and I am tired of suffering. I just can't seem to pull myself out of this and feel better! Please, please help! Any advice is welcome and appreciated.


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
forgivingnow
♀ 33549
Member # 33549
Default  Posted: 4:14 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ccw82)))
This has nothing to do with you meeting all his needs. It is something within him, not something you lack or did not do. You are so close to your dday. Still in shock. We all know how you feel. You will be ok, you really will.


Me-BS 51
FWH-51
M 31 yrs.
Dday 3-19-11, TT 10/2011, Full truth July 2013
Strength comes from within. You can't get it from someone or go somewhere to get it. It is already here, waiting to be used when you need it most. Believe in yourself.
R

Posts: 616 | Registered: Oct 2011
k94ever
♀ 11176
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 5:08 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dday was 7 1/2 weeks ago for you?

Hell, it was nearly 3 months before I could think clearly enough to remember to put underwear on and put it on correctly!!!!

Ccw, it takes time, but what people really don't tell you is that it's what you DO with that time that will either heal your or hurt you.

At some point you will need to make a conscious decision to either move ahead or stay stuck in your grief and depression. May I suggest you do the first thing and not the second. Note I said "at some point". Right now just give yourself a couple more weeks to grieve.

I'm thinking pretty soon you are going to want to do something other than feel crappy.

{{{hugs 'cause we've all been there. You are normal.}}

k9

[This message edited by k94ever at 5:08 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6604 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
sad12008
♀ 18179
Member # 18179
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((ccw82)))

Ditto what forgivingnow said.

I just don't feel like I will ever be enough to fulfill his needs and wants, emotionally or physically, as it appears I've been unable to do so now. He constantly tries to reassure me that I am, but he's been "reassuring" me our whole relationship! If I had been all he needed and wanted, he would never have been looking to hook up with strange women from Craigslist or dating websites, let alone have sex with a prostitute!

This infidelity wasn't about you. EVEN IF it was,hypothetically for the sake of argument, the healthy, appropriate thing to do would be to talk about it, go to MC, etc. But it's not about you. It's the brokenness in your wh that made betraying you the course of action, that unleashed the selfishness. Having swinging-from-the-chandeliers hot sex isn't insurance against infidelity, nor is having a great and vital relationship. We get fed that BS from the media and other people who've never personally dealt with infidelity. Or from talk show hosts or advice columnists who you learn were cheaters or APs themselves in the past! Frankly, I think people are desperate to feel there's a "reason", a difference between their relationship and yours. That's their rabbit's foot, their sense of security that their marriage is safe. The people who HAVE been betrayed and know the score often aren't talking, because there are children, jobs, family members, etc. and it's a highly personal situation.

Here's one of the most valuable things I was told early in by our MC:

"You can't fill a cup that doesn't have a bottom."

You could look like whatever model, be a talented nymphomaniac, and otherwise be Mrs.Somebody (nee Miss Perfection), and STILL you can't fill that kind of cup. It's a flawed cup.

This is why I feel IC for the ws is so critical to successful and lasting R. Dig out the cancer.

I look in the mirror now and fret over ever little blemish on my body, and having had kids I've got a fair amount of small stretch marks, surgical scars, and other imperfections. I'm "too tall", "not pretty enough", "too fat", and any other discomplement I can I see when I look at my reflection.

I think many if not most of the BSs here could relate to that sentiment at one point or another. I know I did the same thing; I was vicious to myself. I'm not very busty...not flat, but definitely not Baywatch or even close. Never once had I felt self-conscious or even care about the fact that I don't sport big breasts until DDay and beyond. That's when I learned something that made me believe that fwh was into big breasts even though he'd always told me he loved mine.

Infidelity is far more than a 'mistake'; it is a series of selfish choices with catastrophic consequences.

One way or another, this too shall pass and you will emerge from this hell. I just wish there was a fast-forward button, because I know where you're at now is an awful place to be.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.


You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3900 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together
ccw82
♀ 40133
Member # 40133
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are incredible! Thank you for the care, attention, and advice you've given me so far!!!

I really liked the statement about the "cup with no bottom".

I never thought I was unattractive, or not attractive enough before this. All I can think of is WTF.

Turns out he's wanted "more" the whole time he's known me. I asked him why he progressed our relationship forward (asking me to be "official" with him, asking me to move in with him, asking me to marry him, asking me to have babies with him...) and he said he was "just going through the motions." OH, but NOW he says he wants to focus on me 100% and be the husband and dad he should have been all along. I'm so confused! How could he not want me all these years (or find me "not enough" or "unfulfilling"), but suddenly he finds me to be enough?!?

He's basically fed me what I wanted to hear all these years as part of his "motions", so how is it I can accept that what he is saying NOW is TRUE?

Ug, I just want to curl up in a ball somewhere and die.


Me: 31
WH (1DumbHusband): 35
Married 5 years, together 7 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
TTs that came out as late as January 2014

"One is not tempted by that he does not want."


Posts: 136 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Dallas, TX
hathnofury
♀ 32550
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:33 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((CCW)))

There is a reference thread for those with WS who were into prostitutes and anonymous hookups:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502528&HL=32550

Please read it and be very gentle with yourself. Like they said, can't fill a broken cup, and you need to attend your sparse energies elsewhere.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1486 | Registered: Jun 2011
Topic Posts: 6

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