Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...
I'm having a day where I just can't get in gear.....so I'm hanging out on the net and thought I'd check in with y'all and see how everyone else is doing, and ruminate about the past few months.
Life has been a bitch this summer, but I've had some really good stuff to go with the horrible experience of losing my dad a month ago. I finally got my mom moved out of the nursing home and in with me & the Bear last week and she's doing soooo much better. I feel way better having her here with me/us. I am somewhat OCD about taking care of her, (she has dementia) and with her in my home - I can finally relax a little and not worry so much.
Having to put her in the nursing home for a short PT/therapy stay after my father's death just about killed me. Plus, I found dimes everywhere until I got her home. I googled the phenomena and I have no doubt it was my dad sending word that he was with us, and he wanted me to get mom home.
On another front.....life with the Bear couldn't be better. Seriously. This man walked into my life when I was in the middle of the shit storm from hell, and he's not only hung in there - he's been truly amazing. He made the box that has my dad's ashes in it (it's awesome, and exactly what we envisioned). He is the kind of guy that loves to keep busy tinkering around, and God knows I needed someone like that!
I'm slowly relaxing and (*gasp*) trusting the whole idea that I can depend on him. If he says he'll take care of something - it gets done. If he sees something that needs to be done - it gets done. If I ask him to do something (once) - it gets done.
WTF? Am I dreaming?
When it got to the point where my daughter & I were having to take shifts to care for my father, I wasn't home very much and my mind was (obviously) NOT focused on the Bear. I fully expected him to gently extract himself and move on because, quite frankly, it was a horrendous experience. We couldn't find nursing help, except for the 1 hour a day that the nurse from Hospice came in to deal with stuff we couldn't.
He took care of my place, helped with my dad where he could, let me cry on his shoulder, and just let it be what it was going to be. And when it was over, he was here to hold me. He didn't try to fix the unfixable, but when we needed him he was there within minutes.
I didn't know that it was possible to have so many bad things going on, and yet so many good things too.
This morning the Bear found a dime in his shoe. I think my dad approves.
God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.