SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

BetrayedHusband1 posted 8/8/2013 16:05 PM

Since my wife told me she had a six month affair with her psychologist. We initially went to seek counseling for one of our children and then she began to seek individual counseling. This led to an emotional affair and then physical. This has destroyed me. We have two children ages 6 & 4 and I cannot imagine putting them thru a divorce. My wife has been remorseful and deeply depressed over everything. She wants reconciliation and I want it for our kids sake and the hope of a better marriage in the future. She is hesitant to file a complaint against the psychologist because it becomes public record when he is punished. He needs his license revoked. I'm trying to convince her it is the right thing to do. I've also been asking lots of detailed questions which she doesn't like to answer. Does anyone have experience with this situation?

[This message edited by BetrayedHusband1 at 4:06 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]

mike7 posted 8/8/2013 16:14 PM

either she's on your side or she's not. she needs to give you the details.

also, it is a matter of public health that you raise a complaint against him. He will just be using his position of trust against many other women, perhaps destroying many families.

If your wife won't help you, you should file it yourself.

He needs to lose his license.

mom of 2 posted 8/8/2013 19:19 PM

Welcome to SI.

I agree with mike7. Report the counselor ASAP. I highly doubt your wife's name will be made public bc of privacy laws but this cracker jack of a therapist needs to have his license revoked! Holy cow!

I read a long time ago (and I know statistics are subjective) but one of the careers most prone to infidelity was amongst marriage counselors. Comforting, huh?

Yes it is VERY common to ask detailed questions and VERY common for your wayward spouse to refuse to answer. Check out the "healing library" link on this site. It's the link in the yellow box to the left of your screen.

Keep posting. You will find awesome support here.

Brandon808 posted 8/8/2013 22:00 PM

If you have any proof of the A then file the complaint yourself. For any mental health professional to engage in a relationship with one of their patients, regardless of their marital status, is a gross violation of ethics and a breach of the patients trust.

BetrayedHusband1 posted 8/8/2013 22:03 PM

I have consulted with an attorney and my wife is the only one who can file the complaint. I can file a civil suit against the practice but the best way to get his license revoked is to go through the state psychology board.

mike7 posted 8/8/2013 22:11 PM

if she won't budge, file a civil suit then. force your wife's hand. she should not be protecting him.

I understand she may feel guilty because they probably said ILYs, etc.

But you should tell her that he was in a position of authority and trust. She felt she could tell him everything. She told him her problems, her marriage problems, her issues with you, your faults.

She told him all these things and he used it to fuck her.

She shouldn't feel guilty about taking him down. He abused her trust whether she wants to believe it or not.

I really feel for you man. I know that no one knows exactly what you are going through. Still, I would force her hand. It's you or him. IMO - if she doesn't complain it will be very hard for you to respect and trust her again. But I guess, only you can decide that.

Hang in there.

nuance posted 8/9/2013 00:13 AM

Why is she not filing a complaint NOT a deal breaker for you?

kansas1968 posted 8/9/2013 00:48 AM

I am sure she is deeply embarassed by her actions and doesn't want the whole world to know what she did. Transferrance is very common with psychologists and psychiatrists, so it is not so surprising that she succomed to those feelings.

The fact that he participated is unforgivable and he needs to lose his license to practice. He can do irreparable damage if he has no boundaries.
Also, she still may have feelings for him because her anger at him has not kicked in yet.

Try to get her to file the complaint on that basis, that he has done harm to her and her family and could do the same to others. If she won't, then you contact the board and at least tell them what happened, but that your wife is reluctant to file a complaint. There may be other compaints against him and at least they will be on alert.
So sorry this man allowed himself to become involved with your wife. She could have said no of course, but that position of power and trust is very powerful.

Now both of you need to get to a MC. A good MC may be able to convince her to file the complaint.

5454real posted 8/9/2013 01:57 AM

Brother, welcome to the best club no one ever wanted to join. Sorry you had to find us, we're glad you're here.

How are you doing? I realize that it's been 3 months, but that is one hellu'va blow. At three months, I was just beginning to eat solid food. Have you had a chance to read the healing library in the upper left hand corner yet? Please, take some time to do so. More precisely, read about the 180.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11
The reason I suggest this is that I suspect your WW regrets the affair, but is not truly remorseful. If she truly had remorse, she would be more than willing to out the SOB. Use the 180 to start the healing process for you.

OK, maybe fear does play a part, but I believe she would be shielded from public exposure due to HIPPA laws. She was his patient right? He can't expose her. Doing so would amount to jail time or at the very least, massive fines. Really, it shouldn't matter. Remorse would be her doing anything to save the M.

Is POSER married? Out him to his BW. Get yourself tested for STD's. This in all likelihood isn't the first time he's done this. Even if WW claims they used protection, condoms don't protect against everything and it's use is unlikely.(Do you really believe her?).

Don't lose focus of the real problem here. Your WW was a willing participant to this. She made the choice to do this too. She's still doing it by protecting him. She needs to make a choice!!! You or him.

Strength

crisp posted 8/9/2013 05:49 AM

Either you are misunderstanding your attorney or he is full of shit. Licensing boards are charged with overseeing ethics. This scenario fits the bill and would be reviewed whether the complaint came from an attorney, another mental health professional, you or your wife. This would be a serious allegation that would have to be investigated. On the other hand, without her cooperation, it probably would not go anywhere in the face of a denial from the POS AP.

BetrayedHusband1 posted 8/9/2013 08:28 AM

I spoke with the Executive Director of the the licensing board yesterday and told who exactly what happened. She confirmed that the only person who can file the written complaint is the victim (my WS). My wife insists that she is not trying to protect him but the only reason she is hesitant to file a complaint is that it her name would get out in the community, etc. lose all her friends, eventually our children would find out.....you get the picture. She has shown true remorse but this is the one issue we are not seeing eye to eye on. Once a formal complaint is filed, there is an investigation followed by a hearing. If the hearing results in a punishment to the Licensee ( and we all know it would) everything becomes public record including the written complaint. His wife is fully aware of everything and actually called me to ask that we dont file a complaint.

toomanyregrets posted 8/9/2013 11:35 AM

Having an "A" comes with cosequences.
She should have thought about that before she decided to cheat.

barbedwireblues posted 8/9/2013 13:06 PM

Sorry to be blunt my friend as i honestly know how it feels at your stage in the proceedings but it does not sound like she is remorseful at all ( you can tell ). If she will not back you up completely with complaint against this loser then you should be getting all your ducks squarely in a row and pronto. Most of us on here who have been through this crap are so glad for R that we do anything to keep the relationship going but the truth always out,s in the end...god bless you and your kids.

kenny55 posted 8/9/2013 18:20 PM

This man was around your kids and she wants to protect him? Sorry dude but he will do this again unless you act. She needs to understand this. What if it was a teacher she cheated with. Would she still think it was okay to protect herself and not the potential other victims? She was a victim if she was receiving counseling.

mike7 posted 8/9/2013 19:05 PM

ok,

This is what I'd do. Fill out a complaint, have your wife sign it, and have it notarized. Then call the counselor's wife and tell her you have a signed and notarized complaint but that you aren't going to file it out of respect for her and her family. After all, her husband is the creep not her. She's in your boat.

Tell her, that if your wife or family is ever contacted in any way, shape or form you will file the complaint. No emails, texts, letters, phone calls, friends passing messages or intermediaries.

Then you will have him by the balls. You'll be protected. Your wife won't have her reputation ruined, and the innocent BW won't be hurt.

If your wife won't do that, then I think you're in trouble. Clearly, she's not on your team. She's either on his team or her own team, but if she won't even do that, then she's not on her team. In that case, I know that I would file for divorce. But that's up to you.

Hang in there. This is heart-breaking stuff.