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MovingForward88 posted 8/8/2013 16:59 PM

I'm sick of being the stupid one for just loving my H they way a wife should when you get married. We are a military family and have gone threw many things in our realtionship but this last thing has killed me inside. I caught him talking to a women while he was in school he told me It wasn't what I thought and they made up a story about what was going on I left it alone but when we got to our next duty station everything fell apart he finally told me that he was talking to another women and that was it ... I always knew there was something more but he made me feel like I was crazy. Finally a couple of weeks ago he laid it all out on the table that he slept with her and it just happened I still think there is more to the story. I'm not sure if I want to be with him anymore but still love him (but I don't think I'm in love with him) he keeps telling me that he has changed and that he wants to work things out but I'm not sure what I want anymore . How do we go on after all the lies

canteat posted 8/8/2013 17:49 PM

YOU ARE NOT STUPID!! Just a loving wife who just got blindsided! I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. You do not have to make ANY decisions right now. You have been dealt a heavy blow and are in shock.You have a lot to think about and he has a lot to PROVE.

Fair warning, you are probably right that there is more to the story. WS lie and try to diminish what happened. The truth usually comes out slowly (called TT-trickle truth) And it sucks!

There is a lot of information here in the healing library and on the forums. Read, read, read. You will see that there is a "road map" of sorts, things that must happen in order to put the pieces back together. Everyone's story is different but there are some basic things that need to be addressed for everyone. Getting the truth, NC, transparancy, rebuilding trust etc.

Right now, take care of yourself. Don't worry about making any decisions. Try to eat, get some sleep and give yourself time to get used to the fact that things are different now. You will get through this. You have strength in yourself that you don't even know exists. *hugs*

DollheartDead posted 8/8/2013 17:53 PM

You are not stupid - you trusted him and he betrayed that trust. There are so many of us it makes me sick. I hope you can work it out if that's what you want. I don't know what I am going to do yet as the wounds are still raw. Hugs

brkn_heartd posted 8/8/2013 20:08 PM

You are not stupid, I loved my husband as you described when he started his A. Funny thing, I thought he felt that way about me. It is hard to heal, it is hard to recover from the lies. I don't think they realize the pain they cause and the time they rip from our lives. So much crumbles immediately.

The good thing is you do not have to make a decision now. You have time to watch him, watch his actions and make decisions based on that. You can give yourself a timeline (I did) to make a decision by or you can leave it open. It is ok to try and later decide it was a dealbreaker. Or you can decide it is a deal breaker now. I love my husband, but I do not feel the giddy love that I had for him for 26 years. Now, it is a different love. I do not think the other one will ever come back, but I don't know that it would with anyone.

Right now, take care of yourself, eat, drink and get some rest. Take things slowly, read the website and post often. We are here for you. Welcome to SI.

whattheh posted 8/8/2013 20:36 PM

I feel the same way about being a faithful spouse. But it doesn' t make us stupid. I had a tough time struggling with the way this violated my moral code. Plus I lost respect for my hubby. I hated what he did but I still love him which is why I chose to go for R.

I read on one website that saying not in love but still love is often based on fear?

[This message edited by whattheh at 8:42 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]

MovingForward88 posted 8/9/2013 12:46 PM

Thank you everyone... I'm just trying to figure out where i want to go with this ... Some days I just want to leave and than others I think we can work it out but it's hard when I also have to think about my 3 little one and how they are feeling. I have never been the type to show my kids that my husband and I are fighting but it's been hard to put a smile on my face for them :(

MovingForward88 posted 8/9/2013 12:46 PM

Thank you everyone... I'm just trying to figure out where i want to go with this ... Some days I just want to leave and than others I think we can work it out but it's hard when I also have to think about my 3 little one and how they are feeling. I have never been the type to show my kids that my husband and I are fighting but it's been hard to put a smile on my face for them :(

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