A few weeks ago he was able to get some free iPads at work. He came home with one. I asked how many he got and who he gave them to, he said he got 3 and gave them to his boss and another man he works with. I asked, are you sure you didn't give one to OW? (She works in same department as him) Lied through his teeth. His reaction got my antennas up, it was all "no, that would be bad, right?" A week later kids are complaining he didn't bring more home, they told me that WH told them he got 5 iPads. I calmly ask him again, how many did you get? He answers 3, gets upset that I would bring something like this up again and OF COURSE he wouldn't give one to OW, as they are as NC as they can be given they work together.
Tonight I found an email from the IT guy asking for the IP addresses for the FIVE iPads he gave WH. WTF??? I know he gave one to her.
I can't handle this. I feel that all he's said during this past 2 months are riddled with lies. They are NOT NC and this is all effing BS.
I haven't confronted him yet, advice?
[This message edited by canteat at 6:14 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]
I am BESIDE myself. I'm going to calmly tell him that he has one more chance to tell me the truth about the iPads. He had BETTER come clean. Then maybe I'll tell him that we need to speak tomorrow night and he needs to come clean on ANYTHING at all he has lied to me about since d-day, and that will be his LAST chance. One more lie after this and I'm going straight to a lawyer and kicking his ass out of the house.
[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:26 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]
I'm going to calmly tell him that he has one more chance to tell me the truth about the iPads. He had BETTER come clean. Then maybe I'll tell him that we need to speak tomorrow night and he needs to come clean on ANYTHING at all he has lied to me about since d-day, and that will be his LAST chance. One more lie after this and I'm going straight to a lawyer and kicking his ass out of the house.
To "normal" people this makes sense. To a foggy wayward, not so much. There is no use for idle threats. Take a break, a breather and figure out your conditions for R and his consequences for breaking them. They need to be realistic for what you need at this point.
Instead of confronting now you might want to do doublechecking his actions on your own? He seems to be acting deceptive...
Does the OW's BS know about the A?
I did the "one more time" thing over and over till I lost all respect for myself and knew he really never had any for me.
Actions will always speak louder than words. And his actions are telling you what you need to know.
The filing gave me some power back. No more wondering, questioning, yelling and living in a house of misery. I realized I was nothing but background noise. And the hours spent investigating were all a waste of time in the end.
You can stop a divorce from proceeding if you need to. That was my intent I think but once I felt stronger and more in control of the situation. I realized I didn't want to stop it.
I tried everything in my first marriage to save it. The cheerleader, the pragmatist, the bully, the captain, and ended up the basket case because I couldn't change him.
I would suggest you decide what you want to do before you confront. If he truly gave her an iPad (and not you or kids, if that was possible) and then lied repeatedly about it, then I would doubt your entire R. It might be time to throw him out, at the very least to shake him up. Why give him even more chances? Clearly he understands that breaking NC and lying are unacceptable.
IMHO the only reason to lie about the number of iPads is if he gave her one. (And where is the other iPad, for that matter?)
Don't keep moving the line; you know he already crossed it.
Best of luck.
When you are ready to stop it, you will draw the line. However, you need to be ready for the consequence. do you want to do the "one more time" or just say you know and you are done? I finally took the later approach and that is what did it for us. I was also ready for D at that point.
Ps....does it make me a bitch to find such pleasure in the fact that he has spent no money on her. I know for fact that other to purchase liquor he hasn't spent a cent. I have full access to ALL accounts, his cheque direct deposits to our joint account and due to a past gambling problem gets immediately redirected to my personal account
I did not have to file to get the lying and the contact to stop: I "told" him(so ok, it was louder than telling ) that my friends had advised me to lawyer up and I was *there* if he lied one more time or she showed up at our house ever again. Unlike my FWH at the time, I did not and do not make idle threats. If I say it, I mean it.
It's hard to do that when you are so distraught and in pain, OC18. Be gentle with yourself. Start today, and don't feel bad about mistakes from yesterday. Hugs to you. And I hope your WH pulls his head out of his a$$.
I'm going to calmly tell him that he has one more chance to tell me the truth about the iPads
He told your young children that he received 5 ipads...but then he tells *you* 3? WTF? What kind of moron does something so stupid?
He has proven that he doesn't respond with honesty even when you are even-tempered and allowing him an 'out.' So what makes you think that it's going to be any different *this* time?
Also. If you tell him that you KNOW that he received 5 ipads, he will quickly put together that you figured it out by reading his emails and will most likely take steps to *fix* that by either changing his passwords or opening up a new email account that you cannot access.
I would be inclined to tell him that you know that he's still lying to you and that he needs to take the bag that you packed for him and park himself somewhere other than the family home. But that's easy for me to say because I'm 5 yrs out from dealing with a guy that 'if his lips are moving, he's lying' and I have zero patience for lying cheaters anymore.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
My issue is follow through on boundaries.
Have you read the healing library? The 180 will help you in gaining clarity in what to do. His actions will definitely show you his intentions. The fact that you have 2 sources stating he had 5 iPads is all you need to fill in your blanks.
Your gut is screaming at you. He probably isn't maintaining NC other than work related communication.
You can go 180 on him until he is willing to tell you the truth, or you can confront and set the boundaries that you need and then go 180 to gain some distance from his crazymaking.
"no, that would be bad, right?"
Classic WS doublespeak right ^^^^ there.
He knows it would be bad, so he hopes to throw you off by saying that and gaslighting you.
And yes, you do have to be that specific. The thinking process is altered in a WS. They are "give an inch, take a mile" thinkers and doers. If you aren't specific they will excuse contact and continue the A by saying "I didn't think that would bother you." "You didn't say anything about that!"
It is really too early in this process to be able to decide to reconcile or divorce. I do think you need to talk to an attorney to see what your rights are.
I have seen how difficult it is to try to reconcile when the WS and AP work together. There is a thread in the "I Can Relate" forum that is devoted to this situation. It is anxiety provoking when you as the BS know that at any time the A could resume or that it never ended.
In the meantime, you can 180, and you can check with his company to see how many iPads he really did get. Or you can see what his reply consists of to the IT guy. If he deletes his reply, then you have your answer.
Do take time for you! Make sure you are eating, drinking water, drinking ensure or nutritious smoothies if you can't eat. Talk to your physician. Make sure you get a full STD scan and that he does too. If he protests you tell him that an A is something that is serious business as far as your health is concerned. No unprotected sex, since you don't know for sure they did not have sex and you don't want to risk an STD.
I am so sorry that your WS isn't coming to his senses. It is really awful to continue to be betrayed and not treated as a priority.
Don't tell him what you know. Sit him down and tell him you KNOW he is lying and he has one chance to come clean or pack his bags. Let him tell you what he is lying about.
You said you think he gave one to OW. Wonder if he kept the other one so he can use it to communicate?
I'd want to know where ALL of the ipads are, not just focus on one for the OW. And, if he got 5 of them, why didn't he give more than one to his FAMILY???