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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: Virtual Hugs
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am surprised they run so rampant on a site designed around infidelity.

Don't get me wrong. I know the drill. Support, care, concern, blah, blah, blah. But I think with an anonymous board, full of hurting confused people, the lines of boundaries get blurred very easily. We feel safe in this shroud of "anonymity" and dole out hugs, kisses, and whatever all else.

I'm a FWW. I cheated on my husband with 4 men. Three of which were online. So what started as a "harmless" (((AP))) turned into something much more monstrous and hurtful.

It grates my nerves to see people of the opposite sex virtually hugging one another. I'm not accusing anyone here of bad conduct. I'm not insinuating that by virtually hugging another person will make you cheat. But think about it. Who here would actually walk up to someone of the opposite sex and say, "I don't know you from Adam, but we're somehow connected in this common bond of infidelity, here's a huge hug anyway."???

I have called men out for giving me hugs. Probably hurt some feelings in the process. But last time I checked, I am not related to any of the men here besides QS. I wouldn't hug any of the men here in person, so why would I accept a virtual hug? (No offense guys. You're all great. Just my boundary.)

Maybe I'm sensitive to it because of the type of As I had. *shrug*

Do other people think about this? Are virtual hugs "harmless" to you? Do you think about it before you do it, or is it an automatic response?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6434 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
scaredyKat
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had what you are saying, respect that you are trying to enforce strong boundaries where you had none before..For me, a (hug) is merely shorthand, techno speak similar to lol, OW, BS, etc. It's a sign-off, a way to say, "I empathize with you, you aren't alone."
I have strong boundaries, always have, virtually, and IRL, and do tend to be a hugger if it's welcomed IRL.
But I applaud your self awareness-you need to do what is right for you.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3778 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
HurtButHopeful?
♀ 25144
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know where you are coming from, Aubrie.

To me, a virtual hug is like a live hug. That's something I don't do with male acquaintances, much less with male strangers on SI. I don't hesitate to hug a hurting female in real life, or here.

However, I am realizing that my boundaries regarding the opposite sex are a bit "farther out" than most.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
JustDesserts
♂ 39665
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a sign-off, a way to say, "I empathize with you, you aren't alone."

I thought they were this, and only this. Digital empathy that was gender blind. I've never given nor received one. If they were fraught with innuendo or worse wouldn't the mods and thread rules ban them or have rules governing their appropriate use?

Never considered this angle when I have seen them used.


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't equate virtual hugs to IRL hugs.

I think of it like this:

"I empathize with you, you aren't alone."
too.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38694 | Registered: Sep 2007
LosferWords
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I fall into the "I empathize with you, you aren't alone." camp as well.

That's all I've ever meant by them, and all I've ever interpreted them as.

Man, are they ever needed on this site sometimes, IMHO.

All that being said, I'll try my best to remember if virtual hugs are a personal boundary for any members here and not give them out to those specific members.


Posts: 8009 | Registered: Dec 2010
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think a lot of it has to do with context. I mean, how many of us have the "Don't discuss marital issues with outsiders" boundaries, and yet here we are all day long sharing the most intimate details of out relationships. (Not to mention our personal feelings and struggles.)

I agree that the virtual hug HERE is different - because it's used for empathy, and they are short order hugs to top it off. If members were chasing each other around the boards hugging each other it would be one thing, but it seems to be a once-per-issue response around here on a whole .

Can it get out of line? Maybe.

Will it here? Hopefully not.


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18322 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not completely lost on me, any more than when the bartender at my favorite craft beer establishment greets me by name when BH is by my side.

I'm glad to receive a virtual hug or an endorsement from anyone of any gender on SI. I don't find it inappropriate in the least.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not surprised specifically *because* of the premise of this site.

Disclaimer: Before my mom died a lot of years ago, she was a very active internet user and would talk about her internet 'friends.' I rolled my eyes. How can you be friends with people that you don't even know????
Then I putzed around and tried out some message boards that revolved around things that I could relate to my life. TV shows I watched. People with kids the same ages as mine.
Ho-hum. What-Ever.
Then I found SI and it 'clicked' for me. I still wasn't an internet (((hugger))) and I remember reading posts and thinking "you spent time to ONLY post this: (((hugs)))? What good does THAT do?"
But then I received one on a day that was a really bad day.
I cannot describe the comfort that I felt. My previous perception of the internet (hug) as being silly was blown to bits. And I don't even remember *who* gave it to me.

You've read the posts on this site. Some of the posters are in so much pain that they can barely see to type. I can guarantee that they aren't going to be focusing in on the gender of the (((hug))) giver.

I am a convert to the power of an internet (((hug))) from people that care about me as a person.....I'm getting the (((hug))) because I'm hurting, not because I'm female, and I'm giving a (((hug))) to a person that is hurting, not because he's a male, kwim?

Do I think that different rules apply in the WayWard forum? Yea, kinda. Waywards tend to have boundary and validation issues....so (((hugs))) are a bit 'different' there. Would it creep me out to see a male WS handing out ((hugs)) to BS's over in General a lot? Yes. (and that also applies to female WS's that hand out lots of hugs to male BS's)

I understand the concept of your query, but I guess that I've just never noticed any (((hugs))) that I thought were inappropriate enough to 'ping' me.

***I'll not be handing out (((hugs))) for a while now since I've used up my quota in this one post.

(also, I couldn't help but wonder, considering the subject matter and philosophical bent of your question, if HL or UO hadn't hijacked your account to post this question. )


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8185 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To me, a virtual hug is like a live hug.
Exactly.

In all honesty, I'm not really a touchy-feely person to begin with. My husband and DS are full on clingers so I've had to adapt to their needs. It's rare when I hug a person other than my husband and kids IRL.

It's a sign-off, a way to say, "I empathize with you, you aren't alone."
I get that. However, I can't think of a single situation where a man has posted something and I felt the need to hug him. False R, TT, pet goldfish dies, team loses, Seeing AP in town, whatever. "Dude, I'm really sorry. That sucks." Most people actually comment on a thread anyway so I see a hug from the opposite sex as unnecessary.

I'm obviously in a very small minority when it comes to this. I'm ok with that. It's my boundary, I'm completely happy with it.

Carry on.

ETA:

Would it creep me out to see a male WS handing out ((hugs)) to BS's over in General a lot? Yes. (and that also applies to female WS's that hand out lots of hugs to male BS's)
And I have seen it happen. Boggles my mind every time. Maybe that's my "hang up". Hugs to and from WS to members of the opposite sex when it's clear that crap boundaries are why we're here.

(also, I couldn't help but wonder, considering the subject matter and philosophical bent of your question, if HL or UO hadn't hijacked your account to post this question.

Nope. It's really me.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 10:59 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6434 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, I can't think of a single situation where a man has posted something and I felt the need to hug him.

I was a little surprised at this at first, but then I put together that there's no reason for a WS to be in JFO outside of reading for insight.

As much as it's important to express good boundaries here and IRL regardless of status, I have felt significantly compelled to give (((hugs))) to plenty of men in JFO.

I just can't read about a man finding out his child isn't his without tearing up, for example. Of all the horrifying side effects of infidelity, that one is one of the most painful for me to read.

So, I guess I'm saying that I can see how you would feel this way based on the context of your membership. I almost forget to pay attention to gender in JFO and just focus on the story and the pain, and that's when the hugs go-a-flyin' and I think that's ok. I'm not trying to be close to anyone, I'm just desperate to help aid someone whose life has just exploded in their face.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 11:15 PM, August 8th (Thursday)]


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18322 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
kickboxer
♀ 39858
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, August 8th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something I've never actually thought about, honestly. I appreciate your viewpoint.

In pondering, I have to admit that it would really bother me if my WH were (((hugging))) others here, or anywhere else online. He has betrayed me. Any act that crosses any line of affection/attention towards another woman would ignite the pit of pain in my stomach.

Therefore, I shouldn't cross the line either.

I don't think I've done this anywhere, but it's still a good reminder about boundaries.


BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 13 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 248 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm obviously in a very small minority when it comes to this. I'm ok with that. It's my boundary, I'm completely happy with it

I will sit on that bench with you, this has long been a boundary of mine.

(also, I couldn't help but wonder, considering the subject matter and philosophical bent of your question, if HL or UO hadn't hijacked your account to post this question

Now that is just funny!


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5156 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
uncertainone
♀ 28108
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 12:44 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(also, I couldn't help but wonder, considering the subject matter and philosophical bent of your question, if HL or UO hadn't hijacked your account to post this question. )

Hey, I've given a few to my fellow SI members of the female persuasion. Haven't been on the receiving end of many hugs. More like waves. The one finger kind.

I only belong to one other forum. It's a college sports forum and the members think I'm a guy. I've been Internet high fived but that's about it. A group of guys arguing about how a forward played or a call a ref made is truly something to behold. I've had all sorts of liquid spewed on my tablet. Truly epic.

I think empathy is more a verbal exercise, to me, but I'm also not a huge hug fan in real life. Kids, yes. Women, close friends. Men, never. Never seemed to offend anyone. Like I said, they know me so understand my personal bubble thing.

I think your perception is showing a sensitivity to your past and a respect for your spouse. Both very good things.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IRL, I volunteer as a critical incident stress debriefer. I'm not there at the time of the injury/death, but am there as that trauma has had time to settle in. I've hugged men, women and children as they come to realize the level of loss they now face. Support and empathy are crucial at that time. Just letting someone suffer alone goes against my nature.

Having said that, I totally understand and empathize with your position. There are different comfort levels for different people. Different boundaries placed by individual experience. As you stated, you're comfortable with that level of support within your family. There have been instances where I had to step back IRL because the support a hug would provide was not what that person needed.

Sigh, it's all complicated ain't it?


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
“I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.”
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3172 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:29 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with Jrazz. Virtual hugs here are no different to the sharing of very personal details about our lives with both genders.

IMO that boundary is as important as the hugs boundary yet here we all are breaching it with every post, thousands of times.

I give virtual hugs where I would not physically hug someone IRL - it is a way to convey online what my facial expressions and body language would convey in person - empathy, understanding, comfort, strength.

I remember seeing a post where a member of this forum said he didn't have the PM functionality activated as that crossed his boundaries. I was surprised when I read it but I immediately understood it. This one not so much.

Boundaries are personal - many are universal, others are individual.

If you feel strongly about it you could add it to your tag so posters know that you don't want virtual hugs.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5658 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:05 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think your perception is showing a sensitivity to your past and a respect for your spouse. Both very good things.

Agreed. Very well put.


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18322 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
jo2love
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a sign-off, a way to say, "I empathize with you, you aren't alone."

Exactly.

I was a little surprised at this at first, but then I put together that there's no reason for a WS to be in JFO outside of reading for insight.

As much as it's important to express good boundaries here and IRL regardless of status, I have felt significantly compelled to give (((hugs))) to plenty of men in JFO

Totally agree.

The great thing about SI is the level of support. Whether it's a BS who feels like their life has just been shattered or a WS who is working on themselves. I can't imagine that it is easy for a WS to see their BS in pain. It takes guts on both sides to open up our hearts and thoughts to others. Virtual hugs are a big part of what helped me heal.

My virtual hugs are just that, virtual. No lines crossed. Just support, caring, concern, and letting the member know they are not alone. I'm not showing up on anyone's doorstep to give IRL hugs.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:48 AM, August 9th (Friday)]


Posts: 36474 | Registered: Mar 2011
idiot85
♂ 38934
Member # 38934
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been virtually hugged... I didn't read into it and I very much doubt the wife would be upset about it.

I've given and received virtual man hugs... For which I've been grateful.

Everyone's different and everyone has there own boundaries.

In real life it's the same for me- I've been hugged and it's mainly been in a pity kind of 'chin up' way.

If I'm introduced to a woman in real life I shake their hand and kiss both cheeks, just shake hands with blokes but maybe that's a cultural difference!


BH-29 (me)
WW-28

Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.


Posts: 575 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Old Blighty
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will sit on that bench with you, this has long been a boundary of mine.
C'mon Girl. Plenty of room.

Haven't been on the receiving end of many hugs.
*sigh* You're going to make me feel bad and hug you. Dang it.
((((UO))))
Ok, I'm done now.

I think empathy is more a verbal exercise, to me, but I'm also not a huge hug fan in real life.
Like I said earlier, I'm not touchy-feely. Words are more important to me. Hearing or reading someone's words are more of a comfort than being touched. IRL hugs are awkward for me. When I met Gonnabe, first thing she did was come thru the door with arms wide open. I was all and didn't know what to do with myself. (Sorry Gonna. You're probably a good hugger. I'm just weird.)

I remember seeing a post where a member of this forum said he didn't have the PM functionality activated as that crossed his boundaries. I was surprised when I read it but I immediately understood it. This one not so much.
Why? I interpret hugs as "real". Why would I hug a guy? Even if it's in the name of empathy and support or otherwise. JRazz, it's not that I don't feel bad for those in the midst of trauma. I didn't mean for it to sound like I was heartless. Reading JFO is a killer. Reading someone say, "My child isn't mine" is heartbreaking. In the correct forums, I can state my "I'm sorry" and leave it at that, because I know there's enough men on this board that can man hug, side hug, fist bump, or noogie those that are in a crisis. There's no reason for me to.

I dunno, Maybe I'm crazy. QS appreciates it though.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6434 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
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