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LostSoulss posted 8/9/2013 02:46 AM

Can anyone help me with this
Is it just me or does anyone else see it as I do
Am just entering 3months from confronting WH over what has been an 18 month affair -they met at a 4 day music festival and it started from there in 2011.
He went to the festival vwith his friend and they camped for the 4 days in his friend's campervan/ tents.
Last year my WH and his friend went to the same festival picking up OW on the way and my H spent the whole time with her.
My H's friend has suggested H and I go to same festival with him and his partner and camp in the van or tents with them (as H did with OW) next week and my H thinks it's a good idea!
I am absolutely livid about this suggsestion and feel it's incredibly crass and inappropriate- I feel it would be rubbing my face in it -do I want to be where they were together and slept together not f****** likely, do I want to be reminded of their affair for the duration of the festival or be around his friend who was a party to the affair- big emphatic NO from me
I have told my H this is how I feel about it and was greeted with derision and a suggestion I was being unreasonable! I suggested that he might as well pick OW up on the way and carry on where they left off.
Seriously Seriously can anyone tell me if I am being unreasonable because I don't understand

Nature_Girl posted 8/9/2013 02:52 AM

You are not being unreasonable. In fact, I'll go you one better. You and your husband need to cut all ties to that friend. He's not a friend to your marriage, he's an enemy to your marriage and actively participated in the destruction of your marriage. That friend needs to go away permanently. Now.

hard_yards posted 8/9/2013 03:07 AM

I could agree more with the post above.

This "friend" is an accomplice in your WS's affair, he knew, approved and facilitated.

A true friend would have said "hey mate, what on earth are you doing?".

This is not a friend of yours, or your WS, or your marriage, and probably has the same porous boundaries as your WS.

If your WS won't end all contact with him, unfortunately it shows where his loyalties lie, obviously having a "good time" is more important than making his BS feel safe.

He needs a touch of reality.

I'd be telling him if he goes, to keep right on walking.... but that's just me

stronger08 posted 8/9/2013 03:34 AM

I would seriously consider your H attitude about this. Its apparent he enjoys this festival and wants to go. Yet he did not even think about how you would feel considering what happened in the past. Its very selfish thinking and not conducive to R. He is also deflecting blame on you by saying your being unreasonable. Another red flag that he don't get it. And I'm with the rest about the friend. This guy is no friend of the M. When I think about all of this, what exactly has your H done to show you how committed he is in this R ? Sounds to me he really has not changed much. But that my .02 cents.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/9/2013 07:35 AM

Honestly? He doesn't sound ONE BIT remoseful at all for what he did.

If he truly were, he'd know damned well this lame music fest of his is a HUGE source of pain and humiliation for you. If he were truly remorseful, he'd actually think twice about even going, considering what he's done to you in the past.

He's unbelieveably selfish and self-serving and is STILL thinking only of himself, just like he did in his affair.

I don't think things will change much until he's truly remorseful and GETS what he's done.

nowiknow23 posted 8/9/2013 07:44 AM

((((LostSouls)))) Everyone else is seeing it as you are. The idea is painfully insensitive at best. In my eyes, it reads as cruelly indifferent to you.

Stand your ground.

sadandtrying posted 8/9/2013 07:58 AM


^^^^^I just want to agree and support what everyone else is saying.
You are NOT in any way being's this:

He's unbelieveably selfish and self-serving and is STILL thinking only of himself, just like he did in his affair

bionicgal posted 8/9/2013 08:21 AM

I don't think you are being unreasonable for not wanting to go. But, I do want to offer that your husband may not see it the same way you do. I know that I can go places with my fWH that I associate with the affair, and I will trigger like crazy. He doesn't even think about it -- I am not saying he never triggers or thinks about it, but what seems significant to me does not usually elicit the same reaction from him.

But, if it is going to be a trigger-fest for you, then no way. He should support you 100% on that.

solus sto posted 8/9/2013 09:20 AM

You're not being unreasonable.

It's time for that festival to be a thing of the past.

Sorry, dude. You created a perma-trigger. That was your choice. The consequences? You're done.

Oh--and yeah. That "friend?" He's history, too.

Has your husband shown any remorse? What is he doing to make you feel safe in your marriage?

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:23 AM, August 9th (Friday)]

sinsof thefather posted 8/9/2013 09:31 AM

This is no 'friend' of yours - this is an enemy of your marriage - and that your husband has even *suggested* this to you speaks volumes about his awareness of what he has done - and volumes about his remorse too.


Brandon808 posted 8/9/2013 09:35 AM

Ok, I just want to be sure about this.

I have told my H this is how I feel about it and was greeted with derision and a suggestion I was being unreasonable!

Because of're asking if you are, in fact, being unreasonable.

I assume you were utterly stunned by his...reaction...and that was a rhetorical question, right?

I could understand the suggestion of you attending if he had this moment cluelessness fueling the idea that it would be a way to reclaim the event so it belongs to both of you. The moment you let him know how horrible that idea really was, especially including the "friend" who enabled the A, it should have been all engines in reverse on the idea.

Wow, what self-centered...person. I think it boils down to him not wanting to lose this festival with his "buddy" and thinking if he lets you tag along then it will all be ok.

ninebark posted 8/9/2013 09:46 AM

This is no 'friend' of yours - this is an enemy of your marriage - and that your husband has even *suggested* this to you speaks volumes about his awareness of what he has done - and volumes about his remorse too.

When my ex was having his A, he had a friend who was supposed to be my friend too, who helped him. He went on 'double dates' with my ex and the OW. He went on vacation with us to disney with his wife, all while the A was going on and never told me a thing. He helped him cover it up.

When A was discovered one of the first things I did was send this so called friend an email telling him that I thought he was the lowest scum on the earth and no friend to my marriage and he was no longer welcome in my house. I also told him he would have to live with the knowledge that he helped destroy an inncoent 8 year old boy's family and hoped he was proud of himself for that. Best thing I ever did, these people are hindering any chance you have at R.

LostSoulss posted 8/11/2013 10:58 AM

Thankyou to all of you that responded to my post - sorry not provided any update sooner- glad to see I wasn't being unreasonable. I will admit I wad incandescent with anger when I wrote my post - I admit I was actually physically shaking with anger.
I have told WH to go to his precious festival with his friend and enjoy himself and whilst he's at it why not collect the OW on the way so it can be just like old times for them and he can spend the four days with her.
I honestly don't think he sees that there is anything wrong with it and I question if he is committed to reconciliation or whether he thinks his affair is something that will be forgotten about.
I am not going to issue an ultimatum but I can't see how we can move forward as it stands and whilst it seems he is putting his friend first.
I have told him there is no way I am going to the festival and it's his choice as to whether he does or not- am sorely tempted to change the locks if he goes and pack his stuff for him and leave it outside
Thanks again folks for the support I could really do with it right now.

jjct posted 8/11/2013 11:12 AM

You may not be legal changing the locks - but nothing says you can't add some.

DO be prepared to enforce your boundary with support, (friends, family, neighbors, do you have a L?) to head-off the dramatics.

His derision of your feelings is so wrong. Be prepared for resentment - if you state the boundary and consequences & he opts not to go.
Resentment will show you loud and clear he's not remorseful too (as if derision isn't enough - geez!)
Get a L.

PurpleRose posted 8/11/2013 11:17 AM

If he goes, you will be sick the entire time. I believe it is time for you to evaluate where you are in your marriage.

Do you want to be treated as though your feelings do not matter? If he goes, he is telling you just that.

I would let him know that if he chooses to go, then you will choose to re-evaluate your position on remaining married to him.

He is a complete ass hat.

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 11:18 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 8/11/2013 11:36 AM

No decent guy would treat you like is emotional abuse.

See a counselor,, tell him he only gets to stay married to you if he sees a counselor, too.

Be prepared for him to NOT "get" this. He is seriously screwed up.

Not sure if he is a drinker, or not, but in Alanon I learned, you can't outsmart an alcoholic, simply do what is best for you.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/11/2013 13:03 PM

I have told him there is no way I am going to the festival and it's his choice as to whether he does or not

I think that you handled this very wisely....

doggiediva posted 8/11/2013 15:30 PM

Not unreasonable at all, in fact your reaction is completely sane and normal..

I would make it a condition of R that there is complete NC with your WH's musical festival friend..

I would also make it a condition of R that your WH stops tossing your feelings aside in favor of his and everybody else's..He may need IC help in doing his.

IC beneficial to you as a place to vent, get feedback and have help in rebuilding your self esteem..

Your WH reminds me a lot of my WH in many ways when it comes to partying or doing what he wants to do and with whom he wants to do it with..

If I stood in the way of what WH wanted to do he vomited out the "You are unreasonable" nonsense to me as well..

When I was young before we married, I should have considered WH's choice of friends a major red flag as to what kind of asshat he was/is..I was too young, naive to see the handwriting on the wall

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:31 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

StillGoing posted 8/11/2013 15:50 PM

I would accept, and then use those campervan and tents as fuel for the campfire I danced around wearing nothing but woad and vengeance.


Not only are you not being unreasonable I'm amazed he is still friends enough with that couple that there would be such an invitation extended.

LostSoulss posted 8/13/2013 03:35 AM

Thanks Guys for all the messages -you have no idea how much I appreciate them-it's such a relief to see that others agree with me as otherwise I feel so alone with all this.
The festival is only a couple of days away and I still don't know how it will turn out. Part of me expects H to come out with some trite rubbish about having time to evaluate things and part of me thinks he won't go but be seething inside about not going. I'm adamant I'm not issuing an ultimatum but I have decided if he goes he might as well keep on going because it shows me that it's more important than our marriage (although I kind of guessed our marriage isn't that important as he had his affair which must be pretty special to throw away nearly 17 years together 15 of them married).
Am trying to prepare myself for the worst - will keep you posted
Thanks again for the support kinda need it right now

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