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Rough couple of days

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Smokehouse posted 8/9/2013 05:28 AM

My DDAY was 07/21/13, and I wasn't expecting to be all better, but, the last couple days have been brutal.

My WW has been great. We are R, and it has been positive. I work nights, and the last two days I can't stop thing about the EA possibly still being physical. I actually am pretty convinced it was not. My mind wanders and I start shaking uncontrollably.

How long does the physical shakes and jumping last. Can't even say what triggers it. I am cruising along then it just pops into my head.

AFrayedKnot posted 8/9/2013 06:15 AM

Hello Smokehouse
I am sorry for what you are going through. I remember it well. I would get twitches in my eyes and my neck and sometimes full body lurches if I was laying down.

I think the shakes and the twitches are a physical release of the anxiety, stress, and confusion that we experience.

For me they lasted a long time. Inside I knew that the pieces of the puzzle I was being given didn't fit together. At 4 months my fWS finally admitted PA but I still knew there was more. At 10 months she finally admitted the whole truth. Through my questions and her honesty all of the pieces started falling into place and it started making sense in my head. By 11 months the physical symptoms pretty much stopped along with the mind movies and constant dialog in my head.

I am not saying this is going to be your story. I am just saying when you reach a place of understanding that your mind is comfortable with it will get a lot easier.

Is your WW comfortable talking about the A? Does she answer your questions? Has she done a timeline? Has she read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair"? Has she established NC? Is she being actively transparent?

homewrecked2011 posted 8/9/2013 07:43 AM

It's going to be a roller coaster for at least a year. Take care of you and your needs and your broken heart. Usually the wayward spouse can't understand the level of pain we feel and how long it takes to recover. Keep posting here and get your self and wife into counseling asap. In fact, I told my H I would not stay with him unless he went to counseling. period. OTherwise nothing is going to be solved. YOur marriage CAN be fatastic on the other side, but from so many posts here on the recovery forum, if the Wayward Spouse won't go into counseling lots of stuff NEVER gets resolved and betrayed spouse is often left holding the bag of pain alone. BUT,,, people that force the issue, insist on marriage counseling seem to have an awesome marriage at the end,,,or if they D, it's with clarity, not confusion.

We are here, post alot for alot of support.....

I remember at first having to take shower after shower letting hot water run out every time. It was the only way I could calm myself at all. I had a hard time concentrating at work,also. It gets better as the months go by, but very hard for first couple of months...

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:48 AM, August 9th (Friday)]

Thinkingtoomuch posted 8/9/2013 08:45 AM

Hi Smokehouse.

I had those sudden "pop into my head" bizarre thoughts hit me too. I'd be very focused on something at work and then zap! All I could think of was where did THAT come from? Just crazy making. Had to talk myself down for a moment to get back on track, but it would leave me analyzing and confused. This went on for several months with it decreasing later. Still had them once in a while at the year mark if I recall. Then the mindmovies and constant everywhere memories of what used to be your life.

The stress of all of this makes your memory shot, so there are normal everyday past things I do not remember, but a year later I also lost my Mom and Dad separately, got very sick, and some other intense life altering situations, so the stress was bad for 2 years for me. My sisters and others would say, "oh you remember last October when...?" Not. Hate that. Lost pieces of my life. Oh, well. Nothing I can do about it now.

It looks like you are so early on in this, I'd say there's a lot more you'll find out and more you'll have to get thru.

Hang in there. The sensations will diminish. Stay with SI, it's the best feedback and help you can get everyday any time of day. It helps so much to know you're NORMAL.

By the way, I was in IC during and after DD. I don't know if I could have done it without IC. But IC moved away 1 year later and have been doing healing on my own. IC was not around during parent loss and it was rough. Just didn't feel like starting over with a new IC. I was too exhausted to hunt for the right one.

My best.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 8:53 AM, August 9th (Friday)]

lucy17 posted 8/9/2013 08:53 AM

It gets better as the months go by, but very hard for first couple of months...

I've seen this in a variety of forms on other posts, but it is so good to hear. I need to hear the way I am feeling is normal and that it gets better. WH had a PA and EA combined (or else he never could have had sex with her...according to him). My WH is doing everything right, right now. He set up MC, he is answering questions brutally honestly. There has been no contact. He is empathetic and patient. So I question myself. Should I be over this? Why am I waiting for him to mess up (he's not who I thought he was for half my life...who is he)? Why do thoughts of them together consume me? Why do I still cry?
(((Smokehouse))) Let's believe it gets better.

Smokehouse posted 8/9/2013 18:44 PM

Thanks everybody. She did a rough timeline, never asked the content of the sexting, says she I has been totally transparent, and has been decent about the questions until today.

Today, she said she is getting stressed about the same questions every day. Her and the OM work together. I asked her to tell me every day if there was contact, but, unless I ask, she doesn't say. Says I don't need to ask, and if there is contact, she will tell me.

I told her all the thoughts I have reference remembering the conversations we had during the EA. she would come home from work horny. Now I know we were having sex because she got turned on at work and I was there to make it all better. She denies even thinking about him in a sexual way, but, how can u talk dirty with somebody and not think of them physically...still lies...more to come I'm afraid. I think she wants the questions to stop because she is guilty and knows she is lying. She says I know everything. No way. It is brutal

BS - 49
WS - 33
SD - 10
Heartbroken - 07/21/13

standinghere posted 8/9/2013 19:30 PM

The first months are just hell.

I think I lost around 15 pounds as we went through the first 6 months.

Then there was the lying about lying and lying about the truth and the utter mental chaos, all while working and being present at work mentally.

I'd say there's a lot more you'll find out and more you'll have to get thru.

Amen to this statement.

You just never know what you will find out.

she wants the questions to stop

Yes, that is typical unremorseful wayward behavior. You are not in R yet. You are in DISCOVERY phase. There is a lot you don't know about the person that you married, and probably a lot that they don't know about themselves.

AFrayedKnot posted 8/9/2013 21:58 PM

There are a bunch of great posts that got bumped today in JFO. They are definitely worth the read.
Before you say reconcile
Boundaries and consequences 101
A great post for newbies
Tactical primer
Understanding the 180

In the healing library articles the is Josephs Letter. It might be worth printing out for your WW.

Scubachick posted 8/9/2013 22:26 PM

Do you guys share these feelings with your spouse? I'm going through the same thing and I'm starting to wonder if I'm better off keeping it to myself. It's hard because I get angry when I hold it in but I end up angry at him anyway. I feel like he gave me these insecurities and pain, he should at least help me carry them.

Smokehouse posted 8/9/2013 23:35 PM

I have discussed it with her. She thinks I am beating a dead horse I guess. She has read the article on how to help the BS find closure, but, now I'm going to print it out for her.

Like I said, I think she is telling the truth that it was only a EA. but when she lies about the little details such as, I never thought of him sexually, he didn't make me horny. She started to send me pics of her, not totally naked, but, of her in panties, no bra on in a tank with her nipples erect. That was in June, and in our 7 year marriage she has NEVER done that before, despite my asking numerous times. She swears the OM never got these, and she was doing it to get my attention. She said she wouldn't send the OM them because she was afraid he would show somebody else. The OM, her and I all work for the same place.

Not sure what to believe and for the most part, I dropped asking for these details. I think I have been very good about trying to move forward for such a short time since DDay.

I think she believes since it was not a PA, it should be easier. She is stressed because I am so insecure about her love for me and my faith and trust in her.

BS - 49
WW - 33
SD - 10
Heartbroken - 07/21/13

Smokehouse posted 8/15/2013 10:08 AM

How about DDay #2. I've seen others post there is nothing like it. Mine was last night at about 10:30. I was on a night off, WW in bed for work in the morning.

I went downstairs and got on her phone. She recently re-opened a GMail account. I was suspicious when it happened. She uses an iPad, and has her phone synced to the iPad. Couldn't access the gmail account, had the password she had given me, so I looked at her phone. She had ran out on DDay #1, 07/21/13, and got a cricket phone.

Hacked her cricket account and she had fired it up on DDay #1. The funny thing is, I found the power cord to it on the floorboard of her car, back seat area. She said it was for something my SD uses. If I had searched her car I would have found it. I even asked her if she had gotten a second phone. Lie, lies, lies and more lies. I actually hid the power cord to see if my SD would ask for it. Never did.

Woke her at midnight, handed her the power cord, told her u will need this for ur fucking cricket phone. Deny, deny, deny, until I showed her the email confirmation. Then she said she got it because I had not decided yet to stay or not. Didn't want me snooping and calling her friends. I called several the first DDay. Said it was harder to let go of the emotional affair than she thought and she has textd back and forth with him approximately 10 times since 07/21/13.

I have caught her in so many lies its not funny. Says she is sorry, wants to work it out. WTF do I do!

DDay #1-07/21/13
DDay #2-08/15/13

Morhurt posted 8/15/2013 10:21 AM

Oh Smokehouse, I'm so sorry. I too had TT and more than one DDay. :(
She has to come clean if there's any chance of salvaging the marriage.

Have you considered the 180?

Remember that you're not alone.

toomanyregrets posted 8/15/2013 12:17 PM

Words mean NOTHING !
Only action count.

Getting a secret phone and e-mail acount are NOT actions that say I want to R and rebuild your trust in me.

Smokehouse posted 8/16/2013 03:23 AM

Yeah, moreTT. I asked her again for the 100th time if she was talking/texting anybody else. Yep, another MCOW. They actually dated 8 plus years ago for 18 months. Lived together for 4 months.

Says she knows it was wrong, but, was sooooo unhappy. How about a fucking divorce or MC.

I have tried the 180. Probably not hardcore. Right when DDAY #1 occurred. She just started to detach. For the first 3 days she kissed my ass. Then it stopped. I definitely knew there was more to the story.

No marriage is sacred to her. Called the 2nd MCOW and he was scared and acted stupid on the phone. I will be telling his wife also.

We all work at the same place. I am a fucking joke to all that know. What a fucking fool I am.

jjct posted 8/16/2013 12:32 PM

No brother.
Look em all dead in the eye.
Your faithfulness and courage will remind some of them what they lack. Some people's response may be mockery & derision, that's how cowardice often hides.

Not you.
Because you are true to you.
True to your word.
That is strength.
That is being a real man.

The strength of your "real" frightens those who are not whole, who are unreal.

Hold your head up.
Hop back up on that 180 horse, don't worry about her detaching, it's not about that.
It's about you.

niaveone posted 8/16/2013 12:44 PM

Tomorrow will be one year from the date of my first DD, but only about 8+mths from the second DD. I still get anxious, I still have spells where I can't concentrate. I used to be able to balance my checkbook in my head to the closest dollar, now I can't tell you what's in there. Don't care.
Just last week I had a trigger when WS asked me why I don't text him an I Love You text in the mornings. It flipped a switch with me that I used to get I love you texts from him all the time during the PA and they obviously didn't mean anything, so why should mine be such a big deal? I got very angry and bitter. Just like you turned a switch on. ?? And I've never had that thought even come through my head before, why suddenly was it there? I was actually livid for a couple days over that, and it was confusing to me.

So, yes. You are going to go through a whole roller coaster of emotions. One minute you'll be so thankful to yourself that you decided to try again, and the next you'll be plotting your swift exit. I'm finding myself still doing it.

thinkingclear posted 8/16/2013 12:58 PM

Not sure what to believe and for the most part, I dropped asking for these details. I think I have been very good about trying to move forward for such a short time since DDay.
This caught my attention because I was concerned that you were mentally forcing things to move along at your own pace. Unfortunately, my concerns were correct.

I'm so sorry that you are living through this right now. Like jjct has said, you need to focus on you right now. You are the one in the right. You are the one who is living an honorable life. Your wife's brokenness has nothing to do with you. They are the ones that should feel ashamed. You can hold your head high.

You wife is not on your side anymore. The details don't really matter yet - EA or PA. She clearly is only looking out for herself and until that changes, you don't have a M. 180 and 180 hard. If she becomes remorseful and wants to work on the M then you can lay down the rules of R. Your requests right now are going to fall on deaf ears. Until she is ready to work on the M and more importantly on herself, she wont. You cannot change her mind. She may very well continue on her path of destruction. What she does will not be affected by your actions.

Detaching and the 180 are all about saving yourself. She may turn around or she may not, but you can ensure your own emotional safety regardless. You've got a lot on your plate right now. If you have the time check out the Betrayed Men's Thread in I Can Relate.

Good luck and stay strong.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 1:01 PM, August 16th (Friday)]

Smokehouse posted 8/18/2013 18:57 PM

We have been back and forth lately with staying together, separating, or divorce.

I agree on doing the 180. I abandoned it in the first week because she quit paying attention to me and I got scared. I am finally doing a little better at the 180; and emotionally doing better.

Once again she says it is over between her and the OM. Said she threw the phone away after I asked to see it. Told her I don't believe her. She still gets angry about all the questions. We start marriage counseling Thursday.

I am now going to take a wait and see attitude. I now see I need to protect myself from being hurt again. I am going to emotionally detach, work on myself, tend to my needs.

I love her so much, but, I can't handle being hurt like that again. It is so consuming. Horrible.

kernel posted 8/18/2013 19:32 PM

We all work at the same place. I am a fucking joke to all that know. What a fucking fool I am.

This is absolutely untrue. Your WW and her APs are the fools and the jokes. You have done nothing wrong. It's hard not to feel like a fool because you were manipulated by a liar and a cheater. This is all on her - she's the one that took your trust and used it to betray you.

Listen to the people here advising you to 180. You should also consider seeing a lawyer and protecting yourself financially, Unfortunately, they don't only lie about phones. It's also a good idea to get tested for STDs, especially if you suspect multiple partners. Hell, it only takes one so get tested.

This all sucks, but at least you've found SI. You're among friends. Read, post. Take care of yourself, for yourself. Personally, I wouldn't even consider MC if she isn't being honest with you about any of this.


Nest2007 posted 8/18/2013 20:14 PM

I've never had a physical response like I did when I found an email I'd missed in my initial inspection of his account post DDay. He gave me all his passwords and last week, 2 months post DDay I fell into the trap of wanting to feel something, anything, even if it was pain - so I went through the emails again.

It was just a link to a song. Go West, pet shop boys. I didn't even watch the video, thought nothing of it. Then I realised she'd replied to it. "I will, but only if you promise to go with me." I couldn't stop shaking. It was worse than DDay because in that moment, it seemed as though he might have actually been thinking about leaving me. I've never felt like that before - fear and hurt literally spasming my body uncontrollably.

I confronted him about it and it turned out there was a completely innocent explanation (and no, I was not being gaslit). But it did show even more about crazy stalker OW's intentions - she really did want him to leave me and be with her. Also explains why she's turned in to crazy stalker OW - she's mad that she 'lost' and that he chose me and our family.

FWH's every action shows his remorse and commitment to reconciling, and R is going really well for us. As he came out of the fog he has seen just how manipulated he was by OW, and he's angry. As painful as its been, his affair brought us closer and made our marriage stronger.

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