I struggle with wanting to walk away.
That’s why I wonder why is he still here? How can he be here? How can a relationship survive this? How will it look like if it does?
That’s the reason I keep looking for some sort of justification so that I can separate out my A behavior in my head. I am stuck here.
As soon as I start thinking about how selfish and manipulative and cruel it was, I start shutting down and isolating myself. I realize I shouldn’t be doing this, so I try to reach out to CL. But that ends up in him feeling drained and exhausted.
It’s a cycle and I don’t know how to break it.
Its not a pity party and I am not asking for sympathy. I am feel like i am stuck in quicksand.
I can't comment on your desire for forgiveness because I am no where near forgiving myself and I have no expectations that my wife will ever forgive me. I have these same struggles. I have certainly said "Please stay with me" as well and it does make me feel like a complete hypocrite since I was the one who strayed in the first place.
I would love for my WH to admit those things to me and ask me for forgiveness. You might not get the response you want right away, but it could definitely open the door. It's a step in the right direction.
Best of luck to you
I struggle with wanting to walk away.
That’s why I wonder why is he still here? How can he be here
How can a relationship survive this? How will it look like if it does?
As soon as I start thinking about how selfish and manipulative and cruel it was, I start shutting down and isolating myself.
Here is the thing. Seeing CL hurt and struggle so much is the hard. Knowing I am the reason for it and then staying is even harder. I struggle with the idea of back-stabbing and then saying but I love you and I am sorry. More I am dealing with this shit more difficult it is getting for me to face him.
Its almost as if I have forgotten how to communicate with somebody. Anything I do seems to bother him. I had withdrawn from him. I did not even realize that. He kept asking me what was wrong. So now if I reach out to him asking him how he was doing he gets really upset saying I should just leave him alone. If I stay away then its like I dont care. If I laugh then its wrong. If I cry I am draining his energy.
Confidence and happy-go-lucky attitude is a part of personality. There have bene few moments when I felt like that. But immediately I pulled myself back thinking something is really wrong with feeling like that.
I have to clue how do I connect with him.
The issue is I can not look at CL and say I was selfish, manipulative, did not respect you and then say “Please stay with me.” How can I even ask that? How can I ask for love, forgiveness? How can I accept it?
So stop saying that and asking for that. Work on yourself and let CL make his choices without having to be concerned for your welfare.
I remember an old boyfriend asking what is the way he could prove his love to me. My answer, by taking care of yourself. If someone depends on you it's exhausting and depleting. Especially if you're trying to heal from a blow inflicted by them.
I think that's the ultimate in cruelty, honestly. Viciously hurt someone then cling to them like a life raft because you have boo boo owies. Seriously? Dear God.
Yes, you seem to really be stuck on that concept. Why, EF? Do you not comprehend that possessing those "skills" also means they can be multipurpose? Knives are used in crimes. Also to cut steak au poivre. If you could be that single purposed and goal oriented then damn, girl, quit faffing about and get on it.
CL is a big boy. He understands choices and that he has them.
[This message edited by uncertainone at 2:13 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]
'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth
[This message edited by StillLivin at 9:44 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]
Eta: I dont know how that crying face got there.
[This message edited by EmotionalFool at 12:44 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]