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When does the lies stop?

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AStar posted 8/9/2013 08:17 AM

When does the WH stop lying to cover his own backside?
Will my feelings and our marriage ever be more important than covering up his wayward behavior with more lies?

OldCow18 posted 8/9/2013 08:54 AM

I'm 2 months out and he's still lying. WH's are a special breed of evil.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/9/2013 08:59 AM

For me, they were continual - right up to the day I moved out.

And they continued after I got my own place and he was still coming around, hoping to woo me back. Just one lie after the other after the other after the other.

It got to the point where I told him he had ZERO credibility and that if we were standing outside in the sunshine, I STILL wouldn't believe him if he said the sun was shining. I told him he'd sell his own mother down the river for a quarter just to save his own ass because he'd sworn on her life more times than I could count - and the poor woman is a cancer victim/survivor whose future is uncertain.

It got to the point where I had ZERO respect left for him and even THEN, he was still lying.

When do they stop? I think for the majority, never.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 9:01 AM, August 9th (Friday)]

solus sto posted 8/9/2013 09:11 AM

Sometimes, a WS learns that dishonesty protects only him/herself, and hurts the BS and all chances of R. Other times, self-protection trumps all. And still other times, the WS truly cherishes those secrets and lies--they remain a loved and protected remnant of the A, and are more important than the BS, his/her marriage, family.

My WS is lying, well over 3 years out from the last d-day. I have no more details of his first infidelities--in the early 1990s (but discovered/confirmed in 2006) than I had the day I confronted.

I tried to R after that discovery. "It was so long ago," "I've been so good since then."

The "last" (not really) d-day? It took a few months (primarily because I was decimated and non-functional) to realize there would never be truth.

I decided, if truth were not forthcoming, to lose the liar.

I hope your WS realizes, FAST, that it's not infidelity, usually, that ends a marriage. Rather, it's the ongoing lies.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:16 AM, August 9th (Friday)]

confused615 posted 8/9/2013 09:14 AM

Tomorrow is my 3 year dday antiversary...he still lies.

Some WS's will stop lying a few weeks or so after dday..or once in a while you will have a WS who comes completely clean on dday(very very rare)..some never learn to be honest.

tushnurse posted 8/9/2013 09:35 AM

For me they finally stopped when I took off my rings, and handed them to him and requested he pack his shit and leave. That was when he finally realized that if he didn't give me what I needed that I was done. I needed truth, honesty, and transparency.
It wasn't a majic wand, he did stumble a few more times, but those were minor.
For many WS's it takes the realization of losing it all for them to really wake up.
(((and strength)))

Whatdoido333 posted 8/9/2013 11:18 AM

Over 3 years out...and the lies continue....although not as many...or maybe he's getting better at lying...or maybe I don't care as much to find out if he's lying.....

emotionalgirl posted 8/9/2013 11:40 AM

Just under a week since D day. He still not TD and is still lying to cover up. His lies have become so convoluted even he has lost track. I think they get so used to lying they don't know HOW to tell the truth anymore! Ian ignoring the elephant in the room for now if that is what he wants and focusing on me and 180. One day he will realize I am making myself better for a reason and that it might not be for him that is when I will hit him with a choice FD or get out!!!! Still hoping the lies will stop one day but not holdin my breath. (((Hugs))))

ionlytalkedtoher posted 8/9/2013 12:18 PM

wow! so depressing. So, I guess the answer is the lies never stop? In my case--yes he's still lying months later after I initally found out. Its been one huge lie for years.

In 2010 I got very depressed one night. I called my husband and asked where he was. He was at a bar with a woman. The previous week, he was there and I saw them together. I told him, that lady is a home wrecker. Stop talking to her. He said he wouldn't talk to her anymore. So then the next week, I called his phone and asked are you at the bar with the OW he said no. He thought he hung up the phone but he didnt. I could hear him talking to this OW and laughing and flirting. I was sickened. I came and picked him up and asked him who he was at the bar with. I asked if OW was there he got so mad accusing him of something he didn't do. He was pissed and acting like I was a witch controlling B that was accusing him of lies.

Everything changed that night.

I guess i never told him I heard her on the phone and knew he was lying. I never trusted him again. It amazed me that he could look me in the eye and LIE. He had no remorse either. Something changed in us both that night. I never really ever trusted him again and still don't 3 years later.

emotionalgirl posted 8/9/2013 14:03 PM

Hi Ionlytalktoher... I can feel your pain. I had some suspicions but only found out after he also left his phone on... The things he said cut me to my soul. I traced his phone 2 days later to his house confronted and told all I know. He lied said it was nothing a friend to talk to about his troubles with me ( I didn't know we had troubles). He also said he went there to cut off contact as she was getting clingy with him and wanting more. I forgave asked for no contact. Last say caught him making a date by text with her. Lost my shit on him. He is still denying and lying. We have 25 years together and when I look back now I can pinpoint times when I am pretty sure he had other affairs 3 including this one. I am tired lonely and have no self esteem. Do what I have done get to an IC pour your heart out and let them tell you that you matter. I have now made a decision to put me first and work at getting a rockin bod making my house look great and paying off some debt. By then I know his shallow ass will be wondering why I am looking so good etc. it is then I will hit him with the ultimatum FD or get the hell out and stay out! I am done being a door mat for him to walk on. The grass may look greener but truste he has it great at home and is just a selfish bastard. ( I know this sounds weird to stay a year at least but our sex life is non existent anyway so it is no skin off my nose). (((Hugs))) to you!

Ashland13 posted 8/9/2013 16:46 PM

Here it is a mix of timing, but he's been gone about a year and a half. The lying continues.

Another thing that's happening that's not easy is that the words don't match the actions or what's happening, like with not difficult (that should be black and white) things like money. He will tell me one number, but in reality, on the paper or screen, is another.

Or he will tell me he did something, and I find out he didn't...often the hard way.

But you know what? It's been so bad in this awful process, that it helps me with a harder no contact, because it makes me cuckoo and I worry it could be a way he wants people to think I'm incompetent.

Yes, it's all about them, their lives and self protection, at all cost. Our child got caught in the wind fire, relatives, workplaces, our home...the steaks rise in order to protect "thyself", as my father calls it.

I think it's really hard when we learn how many people are affected by one person's selfishness...how many lives touched and ruined, sometimes OW/OM, too.

ETA the post from Solo Sto about things after discovery day ending things is pretty much what happened here. Nearly Exh said to me some of the worst things one person could ever tell another and the words still echo in my ear during down times. I may have been able to work on the issues and his cheating issues (impulse and lack of boundary respect), but the lies he told and rewrite of our life together can never be unsaid. And the things he likely told "them and her"...in some ways it does matter.

The day he yelled at me in the house we built, in her defense, was the last I could stand.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 4:51 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

summerain posted 8/9/2013 17:48 PM

two- three months. I have no idea if that's the end of the lying. I gave up, the aminosity and the yelling and my crying...

I have no idea if it was physical, it makes me sick just to think about it. 90% of me says it wasn't, the remaining 10% tortures me in my sleep. He wouldn't of told anyone not even his IC

If we do get to the point that we think about having a kid, I may ask for a lie detector test.

But I think that for me it was accepting that it was infidelity no matter what transpired. The habitual lying from the cheating is actually what is killing our relationship... and the fact he is a great one.

standinghere posted 8/9/2013 19:31 PM

My wife took 9 years and 3 months to stop lying.

6 months after she confessed the affair, she told the truth for the first time.

sparklezombie posted 8/9/2013 20:01 PM

Almost 10!years and still lying. Never had a true R. I'm ready to throw in the towel

catlover50 posted 8/9/2013 20:09 PM

I would say that my H lied to me the entire time I knew him, until about 10 months ago. He actually said "no more lies" and I think he meant it. What a difference! He has become so much happier.

I now understand the issues that led to him always protecting himself. I realize that he didn't feel close enough to anyone to put their needs ahead of his own and that avoiding conflict by lying was just easier for him. I believe that made it easier to cheat as well; he felt like it, it was really none of my business and lying was second nature.

Now he is finally self aware and mortified at what he had become and how he treated me (and he treated OW horribly). Getting the help he needs (actually lied to his IC in the past as well). And that gives me hope. Now I won't even tolerate a little white lie. I won't let him lie to himself. It's a new ball game.

LifeIsBroken posted 8/9/2013 20:37 PM

My xh lied for the 8 months prior to D-day and for another 8 months after D-day and, I'm sure that if we were still married, he would still be lying. When I had had enough of his lying and the heartbreak that goes with it, when I went to the bank then to a lawyer, when he was more angry over the loss of money from our joint account than he was at losing me and his daughters, that's when he left and I no longer had to live his daily/hour/minute by minute lying. Well, until we went to court where he lied a great deal during two days in the court room. I have no doubt he's still lying; he lied so much he no longer knew the truth. Sending you hugs; you will need them on this rotten journey.

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