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Feeling bleh when things are going well

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7yrsflushed posted 8/9/2013 09:33 AM

So it's been over 6 weeks since STBXWW moved out. All paperwork is signed, I got the deal I wanted, 50/50 custody and I am just sitting back waiting on the 1 year waiting period to expire so the D can be final. I was doing great for the last month. I had already fully detached during in-house S. I have been doing "me" for a long time now. The kids seem okay with the 50/50 shuttling and seem to be adjusting so far. I have continued to work out. I've been hanging out with my brother and friends, going on trips, basically living my life. It's been a good month so far. I have a lady friend that I hang out with on occasion. I actually feel normal again for the first time in years.

Now here comes the but...I crashed this week. Nothing has changed, it's nothing like the bottoms of the coaster I had before. Just a general feeling of blahness is the best way to describe it. If my patterns holds it will be gone in a day or so but it's been so long since I hit a bottom I am trying not to over think things.

Any contact with my STBXW just irritates the shit out of me. I had to hold in my venom for so long during in-house S and until all the paperwork was signed that even hearing her voice when she puts the kids on the phone pisses me off. I let go of the outcome of the M long ago but I'm still angry. I went through an anger phase before but this is different. I am fine when she isn't around, I don't even think about her but I do have to deal with her on kids swaps and for kids and finances discussions which honestly don't happen often. I get pissed just seeing her or hearing her voice. I either did one hell of a 180 during in-house S or the anger oozes off me because she usually just drops the kids off without getting out of the car on kid swaps and she doesn't talk to me on the phone unless it's something important about the kids.

So I am doing what I need to minimize contact but how do I let go of that last bit of anger. It's not anger because she cheated or we are divorcing. I let that go awhile ago but I still get angry. It doesn't last long but it lasts long enough that it's bothering me.

Compared to where I was 2 years ago things are great
My life IS pretty good right now. Maybe I had been in a bad place so long I am not used to things being decent. I don't know if this post was a vent or question or what anymore. Things are good but I guess it just takes time for things to settle. I am not rushing into my new life but I am not sitting back either. I will continue to do the things I want and I guess this is just a normal phase as I move forward. I think some of the blahness I am feeling si directly related to the fact that I still get angry abotu STBXW. I thought I was past that and the fact that she still gets headspace even if it's only for short periods isn't good. My assumption is the answer I am looking for is time but at this point who knows.

traildad posted 8/9/2013 09:46 AM

I hear ya. I have experienced the similar ups and downs since our split. The only advice I have for you is that it is still very early in your healing process. You will feel great one day, like you are completely over it, and then like shit the next day because you really aren't completely healed. Don't get upset that you feel down, just observe it, know that it is normal, and give yourself more time.

I have found that over time the "downs" are less severe and have a shorter duration, and the ups are more steady. Just keep doing what you are doing and be patient.

FWIW, on several occasions I have felt like I was healed, even started dating someone, only to find that I had a long way to go. I am 20 months out from DDay and over a year out from D and I still have a ways to go. I feel good, I am being me, but I am just now starting to work on becoming the man I want to be.

7yrsflushed posted 8/9/2013 09:59 AM

Thx traildad.

I have found that over time the "downs" are less severe and have a shorter duration, and the ups are more steady. Just keep doing what you are doing and be patient.
Thsi has been the case for me as well. I guess I just got overly excited when I didn't hit a down phase in over a month.

FWIW, on several occasions I have felt like I was healed, even started dating someone, only to find that I had a long way to go.
This is me now without the dating part. I thought I was good but I guess I still have a bit to go. I've been pretty good at staying positive so i'll keep at it. Each new step in this process has it's own set of rules I guess and the previous handbook doesn't always apply to what you are currently doing.

cmego posted 8/9/2013 11:33 AM

I think the key is knowing that we can't simply snap our fingers to be healed.

It is frightening to me sometimes when I go into a "down cycle". I am almost 3 years post d-day and over 2.5 post separation. I think it is very true that real healing is more in the 3-5 YEAR time line. (Granted, I am dealing with two huge issues, the divorce and discovering my ex is gay. I realize it may take me awhile to really be healed.)

I KNOW that the down cycles are further apart and not nearly severe...but when I go into one it still terrifies me. I just try to ride it out now and wait for the upswing to begin. When I go into one I'm frightened I won't come back out...but I always do. I also believe the grief hits when you can handle it. You say that you feel better...well BAM! grief hits. So, as you heal, then you have to peel back another layer of grief to deal with.

Our communication is primary via text/email. I found when they skype, and I could hear his voice, it triggered me. Now I go outside and garden so I don't hear it (not that he skypes them any longer...only happened the first year.) When he comes to pick up the kids, he generally comes in the house...I make sure I don't make eye contact. I keep my boundaries very firm and it helps.

I think what you are experiencing is perfectly normal.

Amazonia posted 8/9/2013 11:35 AM

I focus more on growth and less on healing, but that's partially an issue of semantics. I don't know if any of us ever "arrives" - there's always going to be room for more growth. And, I don't think it's linear. At least, it hasn't been in my experience. There dips and peaks and circle backs.

As long as you're being intentional and seeing consistent forward motion over time, give yourself a little grace - you're doing all right!

traildad posted 8/9/2013 11:49 AM

I think it is very true that real healing is more in the 3-5 YEAR time line.

Agreed, very true. When I first started on this path I thought there was no way it would take that long. Even at one point about 2 months out from S I said I was healed --- ha! nope.

The thing to remember, and as Amazonia alluded to, is that there is no finish line. Your life continues in other areas while you heal from your D, and you might deal with other forms of grief in the meantime (death of loved ones, moving, etc.). Your whole life is not this D. Life goes on.

As my coworker (who also dealt with infidelity) tells me often - it'll feel almost like that part of your life never happened, you won't think about it daily, just occasionally as the life you used to live.

SBB posted 8/9/2013 18:11 PM

My life is so happy, good and lovely that I too go through phases of "ugh - YOU again!" on the rare occasion that I have to see or be in contact with him.

Kind of like he is killing my buzz, sucking the joy out of the room.

I don't think about him at all outside of having to interact with him. I think about 'past him' when I post here but even them I'm trying to work through 'past me'. I don't really connect that guy/mask with the guy I have to deal with now.

Part of it is because he is such a painful POS but sometimes I feel this way even when he is being invisible.

I think this is the next part of acceptance/healing. I need to accept/surrender that I will have to deal with him on a semi-regular basis for the next 16 years. I can't avoid it. I can't speed it up. Its like he still has a small door via the girls to impact my life and there's nothing I can do to shut it for good.

And that pisses me off. I don't want to have to deal with him. I don't like having to deal with the stench that is him, the black cloud that is him.

I think that is what the bad feelings are - for me anyway.

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