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Financial Infidelity

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DCP21 posted 8/9/2013 10:54 AM

I'm fairly new here, but I don't recall seeing a topic on financial infidelity.

A few months ago my H received a statement regarding his IRA. It said that there had been $17,000 worth of withdrawals in the past 3 years. When I questioned him about it, he basically blew me off and said it must be a mistake, and he would look into it. A few months later I decided to check mine out using our computer, but he was already logged in. I looked at his portfolio, and he had made 3 substantial withdrawals over the past few years! I realized that if that was the case, the company must have sent something for tax purposes. I went back and checked our tax returns and sure enough, there were Early Distributions showing. He always does our taxes on TurboTax, and stupid me never even looked at them.

He also wanted to buy a boat, and asked if he could have $1000 of our tax return to get one. I said yes, but later saw a text message showing that the boat really cost $2500. I also accidentally discovered that he had a bank account, debit card and credit card I knew nothing about, and at least the latest withdrawal from the IRA went into this bank account.

I haven't had the guts to confront him directly about all this yet, but did ask him for his quarterly statement on the IRA, while all the while having access to it. I wanted to see if he would panic. Well, he did. He downloaded the statement, converted it to a Word.doc, then changed all the amounts. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't know how to change a graph line. He also forgot to change a lot of other information on it.

I'm trying to get advice on the best way to confront him. I've also discovered he has registered with online sex/dating/escort sites. I don't know if the money was used for random sex, gambling, being stashed away, or what. All I know is that I'm devastated by all the lies and betrayals. What should I do?

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/9/2013 11:28 AM

Honestly? I'd get to a lawyer immediately. You need to be protected before this guy flushes away your life savings.

rescuedog posted 8/9/2013 12:25 PM

Seriously see an attorney. It will give you a better advantage in confrontation. He doesn't need to know. You will have a better perspective if he tries to gaslight or intimidate you. Just get your facts upfront.

What is stopping you from doing this?

DCP21 posted 8/9/2013 12:41 PM

Mostly timing. Daughter is getting married at the end of the month and I don't want to do anything to upset her right now. This is supposed to be a happy time for our family, and I'm trying to hold it together, but basically just waiting for Labor Day weekend to confront him. We've been married 26 years so it's really, really hard just thinking about everything. The funny thing is is that I work for an attorney, but I haven't said anything to him about this. I haven't said anything to ANYBODY. So thankful for this site where I can vent and get good, constructive advice.

k9lover1 posted 8/9/2013 12:43 PM

so, if I understand this correctly, you are in a sexless marriage (10 years), your husband has wiped out most of his/your retirement account, and you haven't confronted him yet.

First, you need to consult a lawyer to find out where you stand.

If it is an IRA that he opened, he probably could put money in, take money out, etc without your permission. However, if it was a company retirement account, federal law might be a factor and your signature might have been needed - check into that if it is a "company" account.

I know you said that he probably hasn't cheated physically - what do you think he has done with the thousands and thousands of dollars if he is never away from you, except for during work hours.

If the money is gone, it's gone, but you need to talk to an attorney ASAP to find out how to protect yourself going forward. Maybe he could sign over the house to you or something. not sign any more tax returns or any other papers without thoroughly reading them.

[This message edited by k9lover1 at 12:43 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 8/9/2013 12:51 PM

Take advantage of the fact that you work for a L and ask about this situation. Please don't feel ashamed or embarassed about any of's not your fault that your husband is a sneaky bastard. And this issue is very serious and shouldn't be ignored.

I wanted to see if he would panic. Well, he did. He downloaded the statement, converted it to a Word.doc, then changed all the amounts.


DCP21 posted 8/9/2013 13:11 PM

It was an IRA so he didn't need my signature (just my luck). And I'm honestly not sure about the not cheating physically. He did go to Vegas twice for work, so maybe, probably, there if he did. But I'm almost positive he hasn't had any opportunity at home. I did find him registered on different sex sites, but no emails or texts to anyone - no activity. Looks like he was just checking them out so far. Maybe he just did it as a thrill? I don't know. All I know is, if you're married, it's cheating to go on those sites, even if nothing physical happened. It's probably only just a matter of time if he's escalated this far. I really think he's having a mid-life crisis. And I have been embarrassed to talk to my boss. I know this is not my fault, but I feel so duped and stupid, especially for not reading the tax returns. I should definitely have known better. I do have my own savings account and retirement account, both solely in my name and he has NO access to them, so even though his IRA being gone does hurt me, it's going to hurt him a lot more in the long run. He won't have ANYTHING to live off of. As far as where I think the money went, I ABSOLUTELY know that the last IRA withdrawal all went for his boat and other boat-related items. However, for the earlier approximately $13,000, I have no idea. Prostitutes, gambling, hiding it from me if he plans to leave me? I don't know, but I sure plan on finding out when I confront him.

Nature_Girl posted 8/9/2013 13:24 PM

My STBX gave thousands to an OW. In the final decree STBX has to pay me directly half of the amount he gave to her. I thought that money was gone, but there are ways to get it back. Don't ask me what legal magic my lawyer worked, all I know is that the wording is in there!

n0tm3 posted 8/9/2013 13:32 PM

I say get a lawyer. The cheating part for my husband mostly took place on the way to work, during lunch and on his way home. Those are the convenient times they met. A tracking device might also help to explain what he is up to.

hathnofury posted 8/9/2013 16:33 PM

((DCP)) OMG. You must be devastated.

There are thousands of dollars missing. It isn't a question of IF he spent it on infidelity, it is a question of how much. As in, how many thousands. I am SO sorry.

There is a reference thread you may find helpful:

But basically do this ASAP:
Get a lawyer.
GEt STD tested. Every single test they have. Even if you have not had sex for years, I am not kidding.
Pull all the financials NOW. He may try to shut you out of them. Get credit reports on him NOW, so you don't have to subpeona them later. Order them online. If you can't/don't want his permission, I wouldn't say impersonate him (wink, wink) but it is not difficult to get past the security questions they ask to set up a request online if you have been married many years.

Don't want until after the wedding. He is counting on the wedding as a big dstraction to spend even more, I promise you.

Nature_Girl posted 8/9/2013 17:04 PM

Just FYI, it is 100% illegal to order a credit report for someone other than yourself. I urge you not to expose yourself to that kind of legal liability. The only time you're allowed to run a credit report for someone other than yourself is if you are their parent, they are a minor, and you jump through various legal forms to make it happen.

kansas1968 posted 8/9/2013 17:20 PM

Don't wait to confront him. Talk to your attorney now and show him what you have found. You need to get your money protected no matter what the cause. He may have a gambling problem, drug problem, or woman problem, and he may be thinking about leaving you and wants to hide money prior to that.

As hard as it is to believe someone you love could lie and cheat you, they do do it, and you need to think of your own security So sorry you had to find these things, but better now than when most of it is gone.

homewrecked2011 posted 8/9/2013 17:28 PM

Your boss is not the only atty in town. Get a free consultation from another one since this is personal business. IF you decide to divorce him, you can choose your boss or a different atty.

In our divorce, I was the one who was not up front with $$$$. BUT, I had huge loans and payments out because I was trying to "give" my husband everything he wanted to keep him happy. (codependant to the max). Anyway, Wh was furious when he found out, but his atty told him there was nothing he could do bc it was done during the marriage. Once we had a legal separation, then the $$$ had to be accounted for.

Also, sorry to say that the $$$ in your IRA is 1/2 his. This has happened to several women I know. Start putting cash away somewhere safe.

mandan66 posted 8/9/2013 17:57 PM

You must get an attorney, and like, yesterday! Do not tell him, or any of his friends, and you definitely can't wait on this until Labor Day. I had a scenario where my WS was bouncing checks left and right, which has been a colossal blow going forward on my credit scores. For me, seeing an attorney, was the beginning of a long process of taking control of my situation. Right now, everything for you I'm guessing feels pretty crazy---seeing attorney will be a huge step in getting your feet back under you. Hang in there!

Too_Trusting posted 8/9/2013 18:44 PM

Prostitutes, gambling, hiding it from me if he plans to leave me? I don't know, but I sure plan on finding out when I confront him.

Sadly, my exH spent $13,000 on prostitutes, strip clubs, phone sex, lap dances, etc. THAT I COULD VERIFY. I only had bank records for 3 yrs prior to D-day, and my gut always told me there was more...lots more that I couldn't find.

I agree with the others - see a lawyer. If your H is "wasting marital assets" an attorney can file for an injunction to make sure he can't waste more of it. Even tho it is HIS IRA, it's still considered an asset of the marriage. If you do not want to involve your boss, then make an appointment with a family law attorney.

Protect yourself, starting NOW.

**Edited to add: After reading your other posts, I have to agree that it is unlikely he has done all of this money squandering, secret bank accounts, secret email and signed up for sex sites, and NOT have pursued anything physical. I'm so terribly sorry...

That said, I can tell you that my exH met hookers AT LUNCH while working. If we have learned anything at this site, it is that if someone wants to cheat, they will find a way.

Please, please, please protect yourself.

[This message edited by Too_Trusting at 6:50 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

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