so maybe some of you recall me saying that during my WH break up back in our dating years i slept with someone else very shortly after our break up .
while he (the guy) wasn't the reason for the break up (I DID BREAK UP WITH HIM) the reason behind it was that he was too far away and i just couldnt be handle the distance and thought id better off alone and maybe seeing other ppl . BUT! the reason i gave my then BF was that i didnt know what he was doing out there and how ppl say we say we shouldnt be together and blah blah blah i didnt give him a real reason cause i didnt want to add to the hurt, anyways we were broken up and i was quickly scooped up by a man much older then me 12yrs older to be exact i was 17. we began to have a sexual relationship though he wanted more i did not . anyways through out this period i also got involved with other guys (my age) but they never turned into sex just kissing . then shit just got sticky i guess im still trying to figure out what the hell i was doing then anyways i got out the situation without a word to any of those guys i up and disappeared never to be heard of again. all i can really remember about that decision was that i missed my ex (WH) and how stupid i was and how i compared all those guys to him and those guys disappointed in comparison and how screwed up my thought process was and id take it all back . i really just want my ex back what the fuck was i thinking !!! fast forward i emailed him saying i missed him and loved him and that i was stupid.
all this and he took me back and we got married , then he asked about what i did with my time and yup I LIED!
so terrified and disowned by my family after choosing to marry i had no where to turn and i couldnt bear the pain that he might have experienced and all these years i kept it in and it ate away at me and on my WH D day i let my shit out to what a horrible night for the both of us . though he agrees technically its not cheating its the lying all these years that he is hurt because he says he still loved me during our break up and was on ship the whole time wondering what he did wrong and how badly he wanted to come home and fix us that he was miserable . that in a way he does feel cheated on because the love was there and he still cared about what i did , so these days its hard to balance my hurt and his i dont know what to do ....
i feel so badly i kept this to myself all these years because i was a thought that plagued me everyday but with each passing day it got harder to say anything now that its out i feel the weight of it is gone and glad to know that it didnt change how he felt about me part of me thinks because of what he did he is showing me mercy because mercy is what i have given him . he says no its not that but that its in spite of both our crap he has realized just how much love he has for me that he wont let go of someone that has made him happy all these years that even though i lied i was still committed to him our entire marriage treated him right and have done alot to support his career in the military and that counts for alot .
geez man were so f***ed up !
all i know is i NEVER want to hold another lie again its exhausting and eats you up and i like that all of me is on the table . I thank god knew how much this lie was killing me that he forced it out of me with my WH Dday horrible i know but under any other circumstances would i have , mmmm id like to say yes but i highly doubt it .
were both in hell and we fight and yet we still love and sex is more emotional and our conversation are deeper and were angry and were sad and were confused and we both have huge prides so we struggle to bow out a fight and comfort though hes a little better at it than me . i literally rather have my teeth pulled than hold him when hes hurt about my lie because im hurt about the cheat !!!