(Sorry if this is long- I need to get my story out as Im too ashamed and hurt to discuss with family and friends right now)
So, I am 25 weeks pregnant. I noticed two months ago that my WH was retreating away from me. I was bothered but thought it was related to pregnancy because he acted similar during the last pregnancy. We have been married for 9 years and together for 17. To my knowledge, we have never had any infidelity before. However, over the last 3 weeks something felt worse. I caught my WH in a lie when he has always been honest with me. We have two homes and we go back and forth on weekends. He has businesses in the city at one home. He was working late on a Friday in his office. He texted me late and said he was too tired and was going to stay in that city overnight to get some sleep. When I woke up, I had to go to work, so I decided to see if he had already left and was on his way home. If not, I would have to call the babysitter. I checked the security at the other house, which will let me know if he had left the house already. Well it showed that no one had been in that house for over a week.
We have find my friend apps on our phone so we wont worry if someone is running late.. I work a job that has lots of emergencies and can be hard to reach.. So I looked at find my friend and he was at a home I did not recognize. I called him 3 time in a row until he answered and he was in the car saying that he was on his way home. He reiterated that he stayed in the other house. I did not bust him at that point that I knew he didn't stay at our house. In the past I have known him to be someone to tell the truth no matter how difficult. I felt that he would within the week tell me what was up. It never happened.
A week went by and his birthday came. We went to dinner and once we got home he fell asleep. We always have sex on special occasions. The next day, I couldn't handle it and I searched his phone while he was in the shower getting ready for work. There were several texts from women I didn't know..flirting at best but nothing terribly incriminating to me.
I confronted him with this and the knowledge that he didn't stay in our other home. He states that the women in the phones are people he met at a strip club that he really only goes mainly to talk with the man bartender who gives him good advice. He stated that he the night in question he stayed with a guy friend after deciding to go to this strip club at the last minute.
I took it in, but it made no sense to me. Why would he lie about staying at a guy friend's house.
Fast forward a week later, I discovered a new prescription written for him from a friend of ours. It is unusual for me not to know about any new medicines he might be taken. This prescription was obtained 3 days after he stayed at his "friends" house. I also found a receipt for women's underwear.
I confronted him with this and he admitted to a ONS blow job with a stripper who he had bought the items for her birthday. The medication was precautionary.
At this point, I didn't know what to think, how to feel. He promised there was no relationship and nothing besides this.
Fast forward to Saturday. Since I found this out, I had been using the friend finder app constantly (because I've lost trust completely). All of a sudden while talking to him when he was near the strip club, his location was suddenly not available. By Saturday, it had been over a week of this. He states he turned it off, because he felt like I was looking over his shoulder.
Anyway, on Saturday, I read his text messages again and became truly devastated. There was a message he sent to a woman apologizing for the condom breaking when they had sex and making sure that she didn't feel violated. ( The event didn't sound recent, just the apology).
My world crumbled. He then admitted to a ONS (with the above woman after getting drunk), the BJ and an EA lasting 6 weeks with 3 sexual encounters ( all of them from the strip club).
He wants to try to get to R and promised not to contact the woman with the EA. He erased their numbers. However, the EA women texted him last night and based on phone records, hes responding. When discussed he lied to me. He says she text and he didn't know who it was so responded who is it? Except that after the texts, I know he called her and text again later.
I know he didn't see her and the fried app is still on, but I don't know if I can take it if he continues to lie and talk to her. Prior to yesterday, it had more than a week since they spoke.
Moreover, my WH struggles with depression and has always refused treatment. We are to start MC this week, but when I suggested IC for both of us, he flipped. He feels guilty for what is happening to our family. He exhibited signs of self pity over bringing us to need IC. I think he is suicidal especially with thoughts that he may have injured our unborn child and that by having this A he has limited time with his toddler daughter.
I still love him. Not sure what to do. I am afraid that he will be unwilling to do the hard work and will hurt himself physically instead. I am not sure I am strong enough to lose him this way especially while pregnant. I feel like I should try to curb my feelings, so I dont' push him over the edge, but I really can't. I am experiencing too much self doubt, hurt and loneliness to pretend everything is okay.
I need help
[This message edited by downanddazed at 10:06 AM, August 13th (Tuesday)]
To sparkle zombie... I'm not sure how long to try to wait for that . I will look at the healing list, thanks
I'm so sorry. You and your baby have already been through so much together. I hope those kicks and flutters can comfort you with the unconditional love that exists inside.
Take care of yourself...I hope you're able to find a support system to help you get through this hazy time.
I am hearing what you are saying, but I am not sure i can handle the 180 right now.
When will this not be the only thing I think about 24/7?
I won't sugar coat this but not for a long time. Unfortunately there are no short cuts. Occupy your mind with crossword/suduko puzzles, engage in a hobby, spend time with friends will help.
Have you spoken with an attorney? You and your children have rights and you need to know how to protect yourself. Even if you don't file there is strength and peace of mind in doing so.
You need to consider the following:
No Contact - Send a formal no contact letter with wording any additional contact will result in harassment charges and a restraining order.
Full disclosure - answer any and all questions no matter how many times you ask.
Transparency - Full access to all methods of communication including all user id and passwords. No deleting anything, calls/texts/voice mail messages. Keep the tracking function on at all times. Yes he will complain "invasion of privacy". Too bad. He has already proven he can't be trusted. Those that have nothing to hide hide nothing.
STD testing for both of you. He needs to be tested for two reasons. Most important is you and your child's health. The other benefit is by making him get tested he has to go through the shame and embarassment of having the tests run. Provide proof of the test results and the testing that they performed.
Remorse - you haven't stated anything about it in your post. Based on what you have said so far the only thing I can gather is he's sorry he was caught. With out remorse the chances of reconciling are very difficult if not impossible.
Think about what you need an require. Come up with your list of absolutes and present him with this. Be prepared to back them up with actions if he fails.
I feel like I should try to curb my feelings, so I dont' push him over the edge, but I really can't. I am experiencing too much self doubt, hurt and loneliness to pretend everything is okay.
IC is good place for you to express these things. A trusted friend, posting here are also good. If you are concerned with expressing your feelings directly with him, MC may be a good place for that in the interim.
Me Tarzan Her Jane
D-Day 4/14/08
Yesterday, I was supposed to see my OB and planned to tell her whats going on so I could get tested. Well, something happened with the schedule and they somehow overbooked my appointment with surgery. I guess its the hormones or the stress but this made me cry.
On Saturday, my WH contacted one of his OW to explain that he was NC with her. He then texted her. He did tell me about this. Because I have been talking about transparency, just as I'm driving home from the OB appt, he text me the text message he sent OW. I asked him if this was from Saturday or today and since he's texting.. how did she respond?
He refuses to answer those questions and states that me asking all these questions are like a kick in the nuts. He's already tired of asking questions. Tired of my investigation.
When I hit D-Day last week, I told him to erase the numbers and stop all contact. Because the OW's are contacting him now and he has to respond is now my fault that he is having contact now because I didn't allow him to say goodbye then (apologize for ending things).Really?
The conversation escalated to what I see as me being blamed for the affair. He proceeded to complain about all of the ways that he feels unappreciated by me that drove him to this (many issues and examples happened 15 years ago). He tends to forget that although I love he, he has his faults outside of the A. He forgets that he has a choice. We had a MC session on Sunday, but he is too worried that he will blamed for everything and my faults will be glossed over. He's too concerned about how the world would see who's wrong. Says I am shooting daggers at him everytime I express my pain or how the events have affected my self esteem.
Anyway, this is all a phone conversation while he's driving home. ( He works almost 1.5 h away). He gets closer to home and tells me he is getting near and will talk at home. I have an alert on my phone which I have set up to let me know if he ever goes to that strip club. As soon as the phone hung up, I got an alert that stated he arrived there three minutes ago. I immeadiately texted him to leave now. I then called him 4 times in a row with no answer. He then called right back. He was then mad at me saying he didn't go there. He expected me to apologize and was mad that I didn't believe him.
This morning, I am just numb.
I'm only a month out. I don't have any advice, except to find a support system you can confide in, and take care of yourself. You can't do this alone...do you have anywhere to go? You might have to leave before he understands how serious you are about him getting his act together :(
