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HeartBreak911 posted 8/9/2013 12:33 PM

I am new here and I have debated for awhile about whether to post here or not. I have been reading here a lot and it is comforting to hear some of the stories of successful reconciliations. And to know I am not as alone as I think is a bit comforting.

So here is my story. My fiancé and I have been together for 18 years. We have a four year old daughter together.

On 6/22/13, he went to the bathroom and left his phone in the room where I was at. I never looked at his phone ever because I trusted him but a text came in so I decided to pick it up. It said "If you want a blow job, get up with me before 12." I freaked out! Took the phone straight to him and asked him what it was about. He said wrong number, and locked himself inside the bathroom and deleted everything. On iphone, you can delete the messages without deleting the number so by the time I was able to get access to the phone, there was nothing left but numbers. Several different numbers so I wrote them down. I ended up texting the phone from my cell and they also said wrong number but there was something in the way they said it that bothered me. If I could of remained calm I could of just picked up the phone and read everything on it. His packrat ways made him keep every email/text/voicemail he ever got but he deleted when he realized I was on alert. I kept searching the phone numbers and this number was unlisted. I started looking at phone records and went back a year. I saw all kind of phone numbers on our records. Texts, calls. When I would ask him, he would say he had no clue. Since he used it for business it could of been anyone. I kept asking why the same numbers were called over and over and he could (would) not explain anything for me. I came across a number that I was able to get an address and name on. Just kept doing a lot of research and putting two and two together. My child is suffering because I am obsessed with finding out who this person/people are.

I broke into his email and found where he had tried to contact female escorts on three different occasions. Two in 2010. And one (one was the same one from 2010) June 9th of this year. It was obvious from the emails that he did not meet these people though. One didn't answer back until the next day. We were on family vacation and had left town by then. Other sent him to some age verification website.

I set up a google voice account with a different number and texted him with it pretending to be "her". I told him that I was sorry that his fiancé found out but that I had been diagnosed with chlamydia and that he might need to get checked out. He called back and asked for her by name. Just the first name. Hot headed me gave myself away. I figured by him asking for her by name that he would tell me the rest. But no. He lied again! He said he made up the name because he didn't know why someone was texting him and figured that the person would say who they were if he just said that name. We argued and fought and he stuck to it. I continued researching and facebooked the first name of the person he said. One person stuck out. She was also related to the person of the number I had the info on. She also worked at a place that he frequented. I asked him about her, and he swore he knew no one by that name. Finally, I used the google voice and texted her acting like I was him. She fell for it hook,line, and sinker. I still wasn't sure of the last name and tried to get her address. That is when she realized it wasn't him because he knew her address. I called her, texted her every name in the book. Swore I would make her life hell. The whole nine yards. Then we ended up talking. She apologized to me for any part in what happened. Said it was only sex. That she didn't know about me or my daughter. THat once she found out, she called it off. That she had an ex husband that cheated and knows the pain. She wished she would of tried to work it out for her kids sake. Yada yada. When I confronted him, he still tried to lie. Saying she was making that stuff up because she was mad. I of course had threatened to kick him out throughout the course of all this at different time and he refused to go. Put his clothes in trash bags, etc. He finally came clean that night after hours of arguing and lying. He said she did know about me, just didn't care. I figured as much because during my talking to her, I revealed I knew her name, where she worked, where she lived. She was trying to protect herself from looking bad. She still doesn't know who I am. She knows the town I live in and she said I drove a dark car and that she did know my name but forgot it. I think I had her pretty much freaking out that I knew so much about her. He met her in July 2012 and they have been talking ever since. He would call her or she would call him 4/5 times a day. He even talked to her once for 75 minutes. It burns me up because if I ever called him, he was too busy and would hang up.

We didn't sleep in the same bed, he slept on the couch most nights because he said the bed was uncomfortable. We still had sex weekly though. Our "agreement" was twice a week. I know that sounds awful that we planned it but that is what happens sometimes when you work full time and have kids. The sex was always good IMO and he always seemed to desire me.

Apparently this woman was broke and needed money, so he would give her money in return for oral sex. He said it only happened a few times though. I feel like they probably had intercourse too. I think in his head he thinks oral is not cheating? And they had to have more of a relationship to have just that. With all the calling and talking and texting.

I have went through his phone bill with a fine tooth comb and he has reluctantly admitted all the different numbers were her. She had different cells/numbers at different times because her phone would get cut off or whatever.

There were three numbers though he could not explain. They were the numbers on his cell that he had text messaged. I put them in google as last resort and found they were numbers of escorts. One didn't answer back. THe other sent him to her website in which it asks for name and address and he didn't do it. You could not schedule with her without doing that. And the other I never found, so thinking that one didn't get sent, it was just saved on his phone.

It is just a great big mess. I want to work it out for our little girl. He said he wanted to work it out and will do anything I ask. Counseling or whatever it takes but he has slowly backed away from that. I have an appointment with a counselor set up next week.

He admitted he has a problem with porn and I think he was kind of admitting to being a sex addict without actually saying it. He wants to sweep it under the rug though and I can't let it go. Our relationship hasn't been good for a really long time. For other reasons. I had become distant myself. I always thought if I caught him cheating that it would be the dealbreaker but when it came down to it and realizing my little girl wasn't going to have her family anymore, I changed. I do want to make it work, but only if he puts in the effort and it can be BETTER than what it was before. I am not sure if he is going to do that.

I do know that all activity has ceased because I check his cell everyday and our records. He has no access to a computer. He said he wants to delete all the old emails and start new and I could have his password. I don't know why, since I looked at them all.

I forgot to mention, he even contacted a Russian Mail Order Bride in 2005! I almost have to laugh at that, it is so ridiculous. Thanks for listening to me. If you made it this far, BLESS YOUR HEARTS!!!

[This message edited by HeartBreak911 at 12:56 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

HeartBreak911 posted 8/9/2013 12:41 PM

I also meant to add that I heard voicemails from her. THe following week after that first text I grabbed his phone when he wasn't looking and went through his voicemail. It was in the deleted folder but he forgot to delete it completely. Voicemails from October. They did not say his name or hers so he tried to say it was a wrong number again. How does one have so much evidence against him and still continue to lie??? I just don't get it!

Daddo posted 8/9/2013 12:59 PM

Hugs

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Only someone who has been there can understand the pain, the agony of infidelity. We understand. Keep posting and reading - it will help.

All this is still fairly new. The truth is that it will take months to come to grips with what he has done and with what you want to do next. Don't rush into making any decisions or radical life changes - but you do need to make sure that his life is an open book and that all the crap stops.

I don't think porn or "sex addiction" is the problem. The problem is his actions his choices. Blaming sex addiction is making bad behavior a disease rather than a moral and ethical lapse - I just don't buy it.

You will be going through a long, painful process - expect the next 2 years to be full of pain and setbacks. Your marriage will suffer. But, if both you try, you can get past this, your marriage can get past this. It will take time.

Good luck and hugs again.

ProbableIceCream posted 8/9/2013 13:02 PM

Daddo -- they're not married. He's her fiancé.

HeartBreak911 posted 8/9/2013 13:10 PM

I forgot to add that his dad died in april 2012. So it was three months before the affair happened. He doesn't consider it an affair since we are not married and doesn't like me to call it that. I think as long as you are in a committed relationship, it is an affair. We were as close to being married as two people could be. I also think he could possibly be going through a midlife crisis. He has a lot of unresolved issues in regard to his father and his childhood. That is still no excuse to do what he did. The escorts and porn lead me to think it could possibly be an addiction too. But I am not a psychologist and cannot make that diagnosis. And sometimes I wonder about that whole "sexual addiction" thing and using it as an excuse to go buck wild.

[This message edited by HeartBreak911 at 1:11 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

hathnofury posted 8/9/2013 16:12 PM

(((Heartbreak)))

Have you read the reference thread on WS that use prostitutes and anonymous encounters?
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=502528

I wouldn't get hung up on whether he is a sex addict. The effect on you is the same whether he is or not. What you need to do is go to the reference thread and get appropriate IC set up for you, get tested for STDs, and also see a L in case it affects custody and financial issues as non-married people. It really doesn't matter WHY he made "bad choices", what matters is is he being truthful, transparent, remorseful, and willing to do anything to save your relationship. And it sounds like he's not. So you need to proceed accordingly. (((hugs)))

[This message edited by hathnofury at 4:12 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

HeartBreak911 posted 8/9/2013 17:20 PM

I have read some of it. Working on finishing it. I do not think he actually met these women. But he was sure trying. He was also a member of Adult Friend Finder and Horny Match dot com. But he swears it was only out of curiosity. He said that even the thing with the escorts was out of curiosity because he didn't think it was real. *insert eye roll here* I want so bad to believe him but his previous history of lying til the death has me wondering.

HeartBreak911 posted 8/9/2013 17:25 PM

He does work in which he makes service calls to peoples houses and that is how he met "her" btw. Claims that she really just threw herself at him and pursued him heavily. So now I get the joy of worrying about the next lady who might throw herself at him and if he will be man enough to tell her no. I haven't sought out an attorney because our finances aren't really intertwined. He still has his house but we live in "my house". Only thing of concern is custody issues. But I really want to try to work things out instead of dealing with that. Our daughter loves her daddy. He came from a broken home and swore he would never do that to her. That is why I was so trusting. Even when I caught him on backpage.com, I believed that he was just looking out of curiosity. Surely, he would not jeapordize our family to act on it. I was so stupid!!!