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Newest Member: WOPR (61467)

User Topic: shaky ground
♀ 40246
Member # 40246
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading some of the posts and I'm unsure if it is ok to post, when I don't really know anything yet. Here's my story: I got a new computer, dh set it up and his email account came up when I tried to use it. I didnít notice right away, and clicked on the drafts folder to finish an email I was sending and I saw an unfinished email responding to woman seeking a man ad on craigslist. It was several years old, form when we first were married. I asked my dh about it.
He claimed to not remember it, but mentioned that he remembered at the time being lonely, upset and said we probably had a fight and he probably went on there looking for someone to talk to. (I later looked through my old letters and such an found this not to be true, I actually remember this night in particular because I had a big project due and had just told him a couple weeks ago that I was expecting our son, it was a good night, we cuddled on the couch while I finished my work)
He says he never sent it, never slept with anyone else or talked with anyone else since we got married.
I confronted him pretty much immediately upon seeing it, so I didn't check through the rest of the email account and after our first talk I went to take a shower and he erased all the files in all the folders of the account before I got out. So of course I feel like there was more I didn't see.
He was apologetic about the craigslist thing, but definitely minimizing it in his talk, and pretty dismissive about erasing the email. He told me I could monitor it if I wanted from now on, but I know he has multiple accounts, and basically all sorts of ways to carry on if he wants to. Including the fact that he travels extensively for work. I am beyond upset. My first marriage ended with abuse and affairs and I was attracted to my current husband largely because I thought he would never be that guy...when I looked again it was for a dependable, reliable stand up guy. I wanted safe. He asked me to marry him and I waited 3 years further just to feel like I really knew him. I feel shattered, like my first marriage is happening all over again, but I don't really know what is going on/what has gone on. I know he thinks I'm overreacting, I don't really know if I am or not, but it feels like a complete violation, and I feel like I've lost all respect for him, and if this could happen our honeymoon phase, it could happen at any time.
I went on some dating sites, when I couldn't sleep last night to see if he had a profile on any.... and I actually saw my married neighbor with a picture and everything.... Does everyone do this? Is any relationship ever safe?

Posts: 43 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 32550
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am so sorry. What a terrrible blow. There is a thread you might find helpful:

No, not everyone does this. Only very broken people. But you are not alone in being deceived by one.

Yes, he is obviously hiding something and it is likely worse than he lets on. And since previous relationship trauma in your case, I would get to IC ASAP. Start thinking about what you need to feel safe, and what your dealbreakers are. What do YOU need, right now?

And keep posting. There are so many good people here on SI that can help.

BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1503 | Registered: Jun 2011
♀ 40166
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. :(
The first thing I found was text history between H and an OW. They were benign but when I questioned him about it, he deleted everything. Turns out THAT relationship was (relatively) benign, but there were others that weren't. Deleting is a red flag in my opinion.
Again, so sorry. This is not easy.

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 1127 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 33732
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It tends to be quieter on the weekends but stick around this place is a lifeline when you get hit by the train.

I do agree the deleting is a HUGE red flag. Can you recover it in anyway?

Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 1005 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
♀ 40184
Member # 40184
Happy  Posted: 4:40 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so is amazing how many of us have similar stories. My WH was receiving texts that he claimed were from a male friend I had no reason to disbelieve and the were innocuous (25 years and a strong marriage...I thought). Then I overheard him with a woman when he forgot to turn off his phone after talking to me. I was devastated demanded NC though he claimed no PA and said they were just friends. I traced his phone on find my phone to her place a day later and read a bunch of texts he had received a few days after that. I will admit that his part of the conversation is benign hers not so much. I am pretty sure he keeps it that way so he has deniability. Since then he has turned off iCloud so can't find his phone and deletes ALL texts the minute he reads them. I am apparently the bad guy in this for tracking and monitoring him. He denies any wrong doing claims he loves me more than life itself ( bullshit if you ask me ). I am seeking IC and focusing on me and my needs. He needs to win back my support love and trust. He may never manage to do so as I am not feeling very generous right now. I am cycling throughout the grieving stages off and on so fast that at times I feel crazy. We just watched two sets of very close friends end their marriage and he was so upset that people could do that to each other WTF he is no better and might be joining them. 6 days and counting past the last D day and focusing on me! (((HUGS))))

1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 377 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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