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Newest Member: FrustratedJoker (61483)

User Topic: Focusing on the positive
♀ 39566
Member # 39566
Content  Posted: 2:32 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've started so many negative threads lately (it's been an emotional few weeks) that I thought I would try and focus on the positive today.

I was up nursing my youngest at 2 am and I got an inkling to check WH's phone. Once baby was asleep I went through the phone for a few minutes. Once again there was nothing to be found because WH seems to be respecting NC and hasn't been buying pot (he communicates with his dealer by text) i know he hasnt been deleting texts because he has no clue that they still show up in the iphone spotlight search. It was such a relief, I am so proud of him.

A little voice at the back of my head chimed in "sure he is behaving for now but give it time..." But I'm trying to ignore it and celebrate every victory, no matter how small.

Anyone else have a small (or big) victory to celebrate today?

BS (me) - 30
WH - 30
2 sons (born 2010 & 2013)
Married: 2009
Dday: March 2013
R since: May 2013
WH's EA lasted two months and turned PA once we separated.

Posts: 185 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 40186
Member # 40186
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'll tune in, even though I don't consider this too positive. But I'll go with it. After a year of asking whether my cheater has triggers and him denying any except that his triggers are the pain he has caused, he admitted that yes, some massage parlors do trigger him - the ones that say "free table shower," "full body massage" or the ones where there are like 2 or 3 in one block. He now realizes that full intercourse can be bought at almost all massage parlors now in Los Angeles area - not just the ones he happened upon - I laughed at him before, saying, what? you just happened to luck out and walk into just the right ones? Yes, he thought he had found just the ones that would give him showers and bjs and hjs and full on... Anyway, he told me which ones make him think sexually and even though it is horrible, he says it makes him feel horrible, like even after all the destruction, he can't understand why these thoughts still occur, even if he has no intention of doing it. His counselor said he can't stop thoughts. But I feel talking to me about it will help and having him define more and more - he is willing to tell me even his worst thoughts - which is huge compared to just last April of 2012 he went 2 times for intercourse at massage parlors. He had to go twice in April because the first woman was around 40 and not attractive so he had to go to his regular whore house to get the good young stuff. Going from being a regular for 4 years to now being about to finally tell me some still give him a sexual jolt is better than lying about it. Whooptydoo.

[This message edited by mychild at 3:01 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

Posts: 105 | Registered: Aug 2013
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing really new for me today, other than I've noticed my wife and I are getting along a lot better these days.

Always helps to take a moment and focus on the positives.

Makes it all worth it.

Posts: 30659 | Registered: Dec 2010
♀ 40012
Member # 40012
Default  Posted: 3:03 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is nice to see I am not the only one, just checking. My WH has been all about deleting texting, but now we saves the messages for me. I found that I could go to our phone bill and check the numbers and messages and this has been a great source of relief.
My WH went to Jamaica as a missionary and had women who wanted to "have his baby" I did some searching and found that he did not even attempt to fulfill their request. Finding out the good stuff goes a long way for R.

BS 53
WH 44
M 14 years at time of DD
2 young daughters
DD 12-8-12
A-3 YEARS and her husband was an accomplice.
In R, IC, & MC Since 1 week after DD. On the mend with the help of God, Friends and Family.

Posts: 93 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Central FL
♀ 39588
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't check the phone records much but WS never has his phone at home (kids play it) and has offered to leave it at home while he's at work if I need him to. :). He also said if a woman walks into his work that he thinks I wouldn't like (pretty much anyone under the age of 70 lol) he walks away and won't even make eye contact. Those little things make me feel good.

Me (BS): 36
Him aka narcissistic psychopath (WS): 36
Married 17 years 6 kids ages 16-7
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

Filed for divorce 5/8/15

Posts: 326 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 39836
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Actually, today was a good day for once. My WH and the OW are coworkers. I told him there is no way I can even think about true R if they continue to have contact. He spoke to his manager today and he is going to take another assignment so there will be zero contact. It will take a few weeks to happen, I just hope I can make it until then....

Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 893 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 39906
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is a trickle truther and has destroyed my trust. I decided to test him after reading about another poster doing it. I know the OW email address and because she still works for my husband it's still in his contact list. I created a new email address with same name but left one letter off. Went into his contacts and changed her email to the one I made. I sent an email to him saying "i know it's none of my business but is everything ok? you told me not to text you anymore so I'm emailing instead. hope it's ok. your wife is asking questions again and I don't know what you want me to tell her" I totally didn't think he'd even tell me she emailed him. 30 min after I sent it, he said he needed to tell me something and told me he got an email from the OW and handed it to me to read. He said he was going to reply and say "tell her the truth and don't ever email me again". I was so happy he passed the test. I thought he was incapable of telling the truth when it came to the OW. I know it's mean to trick him but I'm I will tell him eventually it was me though.

Posts: 1825 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have something positive to post! For a

Yesterday,WH and I were at the grocery store. We were in a fairly crowded aisle,and I was distracted because I had dropped my small notebook and had lost my list(same notebook I write all my grocery lists they all looked alike,lol). Anyway,I was telling him to find lasagna noodles while I looked for the list...and I glanced up and noticed this girl walking in front of my WH,looking for her own pasta..and all of a sudden,she bent over,way over, right directly in front of WH..she was skinny..and pretty-ish..tight shorts,tiny little tank top....whatever..she was young,and bending over in front of my WH. He was looking for the lasagna,and I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye..and he very clearly was NOT looking at her..but I was still irritated..and I forgot something at the other end of the I told him I forgot something and took off in the other direction..walking away,thinking whatever..he will look at her once my back is turned..I can't police him,he's going to do whatever he wants..all of this running through my mind...anyhoo..I got to the other end of the aisle and grabbed the tomato paste that I had forgotten,and turned to go back up the aisle to my WH..and he was there..right behind me. He was hurrying towards me(I walk fast)..and I realized he *knew* what I was thinking and that I was feeling crappy about the girl bending he must have decided the best thing to do,rather than wait on me to come back to him..he would follow me..rather than sneak a look at the girl..he followed me. The aisle was crowded,so turned the cart around and actually being able to have gotten down the aisle so quickly couldn't have been easy,lol..I's not a big thing..but it made me feel good. He knew I was uncomfortable,and he made sure I knew he was *with* know?

I didn't tell him that I noticed...maybe I will today when he comes home from work.

[This message edited by confused615 at 4:52 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 39906
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I love your story! I think you should tell your husband. It's sweet.

Posts: 1825 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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