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Newest Member: Saad (61538)

User Topic: Any WSs who come out of the fog?
♀ 39751
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is in a major fog, 6+ weeks after D-Day. His judgment is clouded in every possible way, and he's like a textbook case of just about every wayward way of thinking. I'm doing the 180 and taking care of myself while I wait for the fog to lift.

My question is do any of you have stories about successful reconciliation even when it took a while for the WH to get clear-headed? It seems like many of the posts I read are about a WS who is immediately remorseful and rededicates him/herself to the BS...or the posts are about a WS who is hopelessly lost and is on the way to divorce.

There HAS to be a middle ground, or at least I'm hoping there is. Any of you had a WS that took a while to get his/her head clear, and from there you reconciled? I could really use those stories to keep my spirits up!

D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013

Posts: 134 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 38405
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know of none, it seems to be immediate or never. But I am sure there are odd cases. My WS seems to be coming out of his fog but too little too late. We have to divorce first and reconcile afterward.

Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 680 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
♀ 40141
Member # 40141
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish to hear of this too. My WH seems deep in the fog and we are headed toward divorce. I keep hoping he will snap out of it before it's too late, but I am starting to lose hope

M 7 years, together for 12
2 kids- DD5 & DD 1 1/2
D-Day 7/2013 - Divorced!

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
♀ 35215
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS has come out of the fog but it took many attempts, false R and broken NC's. What snapped him out the quickest was when I left him for a week and had a lawyer appointment set ready for D. Ever since then he has had no fog and NC with AP.

I know most would say to leave in my situation, but I was very mentally unstable and suicidal at the time. We are currently in R, but I have an exit plan ready should I need to implement it.

BS/FWS (me):43 Madhatter
WS/BS:46 Serial Cheater
Together 20 years, Married 15
DD(13) DS(10)
DDay(s) Too many to count
False R 7/11/14 Same OW2
"Never seek validation from those who are unworthy."

Posts: 4086 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine seems to be coming out of it but tbh I don't fully trust it...he's fooled me before. Difference now is that like crazyblindsided I have an exit plan and a way to implement it.

Posts: 3615 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My h left on dday and took the ea to a pa. Lots of anger on his part towards me. Lots of lies and two false attempts at r.

When he finally ended a he moved back home. Not a good decision on my part, he was not ready. I had to watch him grieving over his lost fantasy of a "perfect life".

It has only been in about the last two weeks that he seems to be looking inward at himself. Just beginning to take responsibility for the choices he made and the damage he caused.

He has been in IC since January and we have been in MC since March. I have been in IC since November.

I still don't know how this will turn out.

It's crazy but he seems more confident about wanting and believing this will work than me.

I am still on the fence, waiting to feel safe, to trust, to see the effort on his part, to see the actions.

I do know that I will be ok either way. He left and I survived, it hurt but I would have made a new life.

He came back, I am still surviving, I still hurt, trying to create a new life.

This is crazy.

"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a lie

Posts: 3324 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm. . My fWH has defogged, but it took a few weeks. He committed to me shortly after he told me, but he had some grieving to do and some perspective to get.
Our MC said this is normal.

At 8 weeks he is not totally indifferent yet, but he has a grasp of the reality of the situation. Has your H read "Not Just Friends"? Reading that and going to MC helped immensely. After the Affair is good as well. I don't know how people defog without being somewhat proactive - affairs are a very strong "drug."

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3520 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not really a believer in the "fog." Or if I am, I believe that everybody (whether a BS or WS or neither) is in a fog sometimes, twisting things to make what they are doing/feeling seem justified.

Some WS change their mind and their feelings die down or come to a natural end with the OP, just as in any other relationship, often does, even if that relationship did not start out as an A. But that is not the same as coming out of some supposed fog IMO. It is the natural progression of things, depending on many factors including the people involved. Sometimes they get tired of the OP for many reasons, and see virtue in trying to work out the M if the BS is still willing to give them that chance.

As for me, whether the "fog" is real or not, I would not knowingly tolerate it for even one day.

My H appeared to be immediately and extremeley remorseful after D-day. He asked me for another chance. I was not going to give him one, but it was early December and I thought I could just wait until after the new year started because I was mostly curious to "see what he would do." I expected him to fail and expected to D in 2007. But he surpassed my expectations by far. We R'ed and are closer than ever, now almost 7 years later.

Posts: 6827 | Registered: Apr 2006
♀ 34918
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took my WH almost 3 months to "de-fog". I had to deal with him playing games with me and lying, and I stupidly moved back in with him and we had a period of false R. I was his personal doormat while I watched him grieve the loss of his "love" and basically settle for me. But slowly, he began to realize what he had done, and is extremely remorseful now.

The crappy thing is, I'm still really bitter about how long he led me on and played games while he bounced back and forth between the OW and me. It's hard to let that bitterness go.

BW (me):31
WH (guiltfilled11): 32
together 12 years, married 6 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 8, DS 6, DD 4

Posts: 184 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cannot help you with this as my WS came out within 72 hours, but I KNOW I have seen stories like that on here. Hang tough and get him to read if you can. The more he reads the more he will see that it is not just you telling him this. It is the way it is.

D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1162 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
♀ 36456
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, my H finally came out of the fog and we are working on reconciliation. He will say "I finally took my head out of my ass." There are actually several of us that post regularly but we are the exception, not the rule.

My H was a classic case when we separated. He was having a 3 month EA with a coworker 1600 miles away when he left. I did all of the classic BS things too. I cried, I did everything but beg. But she was his soul mate and he had to try to make it work. He now says that his pride wouldn't let him admit that he had made a mistake. They did go PA for one week in July when he was sent to her city for work.

After 6 months, I told him that I was ready to divorce. I did not know that he had already broken up with her and had already started cutting out all of the bad influences he had accumulated over the previous 6 years. When he saw that I was just done, he said "What have I done?" and started crying.

After that we became better co-parents. Eventually, we started flirting again. Then dating and sex. He spent Christmas and New Year's in our bed with me. Then he started spending every weekend. He finally moved home in February after a 10 month separation.

Our reconciliation has had ups and downs. I have discovered more info about what he was doing during those last 6 years, including 2 more OW. But I have not found ANYTHING new - since we started dating again.

We are both a little different now. He doesn't take me or his family for granted anymore. I still don't trust 100% but I'm getting there. We are best friends again - like we were the first 10 years. Our family is managing to heal and move forward.

I hope everything works out for you. Just keep in mind that you have to take care of you first. You can't make him wake up. That's all on him.


Me (46) WH (42),2 boys 15 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
♀ 38162
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


How long has your H had NC with OW? I see in your profile that he broke it at least once.

Contact with the AP can rev up the faulty thinking. It's like a bad bad habit. My WH was jolted into clear thinking at d-day. However, I am sure that if he had secretly made contact,, OW would have hoovered him right back in.

Now, he's had seven months of weekly IC, so he is very fog resistant. I would say NC and IC are crucial to maintaining healthy thinking.

Basically, the fog doesn't lift on its own. The emotions of an active affair and the weaknesses of the WS create the fog. It's not going away until those two things change.

Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 12

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