SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Arnold01 posted 8/9/2013 16:04 PM

My WH is in a major fog, 6+ weeks after D-Day. His judgment is clouded in every possible way, and he's like a textbook case of just about every wayward way of thinking. I'm doing the 180 and taking care of myself while I wait for the fog to lift.

My question is do any of you have stories about successful reconciliation even when it took a while for the WH to get clear-headed? It seems like many of the posts I read are about a WS who is immediately remorseful and rededicates him/herself to the BS...or the posts are about a WS who is hopelessly lost and is on the way to divorce.

There HAS to be a middle ground, or at least I'm hoping there is. Any of you had a WS that took a while to get his/her head clear, and from there you reconciled? I could really use those stories to keep my spirits up!

movingforward13 posted 8/9/2013 18:03 PM

I know of none, it seems to be immediate or never. But I am sure there are odd cases. My WS seems to be coming out of his fog but too little too late. We have to divorce first and reconcile afterward.

pregnantandsad posted 8/9/2013 18:25 PM

I wish to hear of this too. My WH seems deep in the fog and we are headed toward divorce. I keep hoping he will snap out of it before it's too late, but I am starting to lose hope

crazyblindsided posted 8/9/2013 19:03 PM

My WS has come out of the fog but it took many attempts, false R and broken NC's. What snapped him out the quickest was when I left him for a week and had a lawyer appointment set ready for D. Ever since then he has had no fog and NC with AP.

I know most would say to leave in my situation, but I was very mentally unstable and suicidal at the time. We are currently in R, but I have an exit plan ready should I need to implement it.

Unagie posted 8/9/2013 19:19 PM

Mine seems to be coming out of it but tbh I don't fully trust it...he's fooled me before. Difference now is that like crazyblindsided I have an exit plan and a way to implement it.

cantaccept posted 8/10/2013 16:25 PM

My h left on dday and took the ea to a pa. Lots of anger on his part towards me. Lots of lies and two false attempts at r.

When he finally ended a he moved back home. Not a good decision on my part, he was not ready. I had to watch him grieving over his lost fantasy of a "perfect life".

It has only been in about the last two weeks that he seems to be looking inward at himself. Just beginning to take responsibility for the choices he made and the damage he caused.

He has been in IC since January and we have been in MC since March. I have been in IC since November.

I still don't know how this will turn out.

It's crazy but he seems more confident about wanting and believing this will work than me.

I am still on the fence, waiting to feel safe, to trust, to see the effort on his part, to see the actions.

I do know that I will be ok either way. He left and I survived, it hurt but I would have made a new life.

He came back, I am still surviving, I still hurt, trying to create a new life.

This is crazy.

bionicgal posted 8/10/2013 17:51 PM

Hmm. . My fWH has defogged, but it took a few weeks. He committed to me shortly after he told me, but he had some grieving to do and some perspective to get.
Our MC said this is normal.

At 8 weeks he is not totally indifferent yet, but he has a grasp of the reality of the situation. Has your H read "Not Just Friends"? Reading that and going to MC helped immensely. After the Affair is good as well. I don't know how people defog without being somewhat proactive - affairs are a very strong "drug."

Bobbi_sue posted 8/10/2013 18:03 PM

I'm not really a believer in the "fog." Or if I am, I believe that everybody (whether a BS or WS or neither) is in a fog sometimes, twisting things to make what they are doing/feeling seem justified.

Some WS change their mind and their feelings die down or come to a natural end with the OP, just as in any other relationship, often does, even if that relationship did not start out as an A. But that is not the same as coming out of some supposed fog IMO. It is the natural progression of things, depending on many factors including the people involved. Sometimes they get tired of the OP for many reasons, and see virtue in trying to work out the M if the BS is still willing to give them that chance.

As for me, whether the "fog" is real or not, I would not knowingly tolerate it for even one day.

My H appeared to be immediately and extremeley remorseful after D-day. He asked me for another chance. I was not going to give him one, but it was early December and I thought I could just wait until after the new year started because I was mostly curious to "see what he would do." I expected him to fail and expected to D in 2007. But he surpassed my expectations by far. We R'ed and are closer than ever, now almost 7 years later.

HurtButHoping12 posted 8/10/2013 18:11 PM

It took my WH almost 3 months to "de-fog". I had to deal with him playing games with me and lying, and I stupidly moved back in with him and we had a period of false R. I was his personal doormat while I watched him grieve the loss of his "love" and basically settle for me. But slowly, he began to realize what he had done, and is extremely remorseful now.

The crappy thing is, I'm still really bitter about how long he led me on and played games while he bounced back and forth between the OW and me. It's hard to let that bitterness go.

heforgotme posted 8/10/2013 18:12 PM

Cannot help you with this as my WS came out within 72 hours, but I KNOW I have seen stories like that on here. Hang tough and get him to read if you can. The more he reads the more he will see that it is not just you telling him this. It is the way it is.

TXBW68 posted 8/10/2013 19:06 PM

Yes, my H finally came out of the fog and we are working on reconciliation. He will say "I finally took my head out of my ass." There are actually several of us that post regularly but we are the exception, not the rule.

My H was a classic case when we separated. He was having a 3 month EA with a coworker 1600 miles away when he left. I did all of the classic BS things too. I cried, I did everything but beg. But she was his soul mate and he had to try to make it work. He now says that his pride wouldn't let him admit that he had made a mistake. They did go PA for one week in July when he was sent to her city for work.

After 6 months, I told him that I was ready to divorce. I did not know that he had already broken up with her and had already started cutting out all of the bad influences he had accumulated over the previous 6 years. When he saw that I was just done, he said "What have I done?" and started crying.

After that we became better co-parents. Eventually, we started flirting again. Then dating and sex. He spent Christmas and New Year's in our bed with me. Then he started spending every weekend. He finally moved home in February after a 10 month separation.

Our reconciliation has had ups and downs. I have discovered more info about what he was doing during those last 6 years, including 2 more OW. But I have not found ANYTHING new - since we started dating again.

We are both a little different now. He doesn't take me or his family for granted anymore. I still don't trust 100% but I'm getting there. We are best friends again - like we were the first 10 years. Our family is managing to heal and move forward.

I hope everything works out for you. Just keep in mind that you have to take care of you first. You can't make him wake up. That's all on him.

((hugs))

sailorgirl posted 8/10/2013 19:54 PM

Arnold,

How long has your H had NC with OW? I see in your profile that he broke it at least once.

Contact with the AP can rev up the faulty thinking. It's like a bad bad habit. My WH was jolted into clear thinking at d-day. However, I am sure that if he had secretly made contact,, OW would have hoovered him right back in.

Now, he's had seven months of weekly IC, so he is very fog resistant. I would say NC and IC are crucial to maintaining healthy thinking.

Basically, the fog doesn't lift on its own. The emotions of an active affair and the weaknesses of the WS create the fog. It's not going away until those two things change.