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Newest Member: YoungNInLove (61865)

User Topic: How do you heal without the support of a WW ?
♀ 39902
Member # 39902
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iv learned not to rely on my WF for emotional support ... But how do I cope ?!?! It's not good to hold it in but I don't have him to turn to only you guys here at SI..
Does anyone in my situation have any suggestions?

Posts: 670 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, August 9th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not in your shoes, so take this with a grain of salt, as with all advice, really

Since you're posting in the R forum, I'm going to presume you want to R. If your WF is not providing emotional support - then you aren't going to R. And what is hindering your healing, then, is being with an emotionally distant person who has hurt you and is not willing to aid you. And you're probably holding out hope that this will change. Healing is near impossible. There is probably no amount of outside support/coping mechanisms that are going to heal you if you're holding out hope for R in this situation. You just get crushed too repeatedly.

Sure, people stay in marriages like this for other reasons but, in order to heal in those situations, they don't even attempt R. They just co-exist.

So, as I see it, the only way to heal is to let go. Either get out or start moving that way. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Come up with other coping mechanisms (exercise, meditation, a new social circle, a class, a hobby, a good IC). But the REAL coping is only going to happen once you decide to let go of the M or the hope to R.

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
♂ 27650
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Emotionalhell,

Like RockyMtn, I am guessing that you want to R with your WF since you are in the R forum. Since you have learned not to rely on your WF for emotional support, you need to learn to rely on yourself to cope. I found that IC was very helpful to me in working through my emotions and expectations post dday.

Why do you think that you were attracted, and remain attracted, to a man who is emotionally detached from you and had an A?

dday 10.5.09

Posts: 4173 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, August 12th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found it very helpful to always think in terms of 3 healing for R.

I'm responsible for healing myself. I have all the resources that I need for that within myself. (Of course, one of those resources is the ability to ask for help.) I'm glad my W helped, but I was not going to let her slow my own healing down by much.

My W is responsible for healing herself. She, too, has all the resources she needs. Since I want to R, I've certainly helped her get unstuck at times, but I didn't stifle myself to help her.

We heal the M together. I don't stifle myself to help the M much, and I don't expect her to stifle herself, either. Yes we adapt to each other, but I don't over-adapt. (My W still does, but she's working on that.)

If you think you can't heal without your W's support, you're very possibly co-dependent (an observation, not a criticism) - and if you're co-d, now's a good time to heal yourself from that, too.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17103 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 4

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