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Why do we stay?

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Phoenix9572 posted 8/9/2013 16:46 PM

We had a MC session last night that left me feeling like I had been put through the meat grinder. I was thankful that we drove separately so that I could stop on the way home and cry it out before I had to face him again.
Our MC texted me today to check on me because of how deep my depression seems to be right now. She told me that MC doesn't always work and sometimes it is better to part ways. However, she would never tell me to leave unless she felt that I was in an abusive situation.
I replied and asked her if she felt that our marriage was beyond repair. She said it wasn't but would take "quite a while" and she wants to make sure that both us really want to stay in.
I do want to stay married to this man. I promised for better or for worse but beyond that I'm struggling with what do I still love about him.
What did you hold on to or still hold on to to help you through R?

doesitgetbetter posted 8/9/2013 16:57 PM

I'm so sorry you are having such a bad day Phoenix! Almost 6 years ago, I stayed because I knew he didn't want to be that way, I knew it was a cry for help from him and he didn't know any other way to get help. I knew that he was a better person than that, and that he would do the work to BE the better person I knew him to be. He never waivered, he never stopped trying to better himself and work through his issues.

THAT is why I decided to stay so long ago. And THAT is why I am still here today staring at our 6th antiversary since DDay and not even flinching.


ETA: I also kept reading my signature line as my mantra throughout this whole ordeal. That helped a LOT!

[This message edited by doesitgetbetter at 4:58 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

HFSSC posted 8/9/2013 18:05 PM

I stay for a million reasons.

Like doesitgetbetter, I knew that JM didn't want to be the way he was. I wasn't sure he had it in him to change, but I am so glad he did.

I had to be willing to walk away and know that I'd be okay without him. I think once we were S and I knew I could be okay, then I could commit to R. (Which sounds like it doesn't make any sense, but it is what it is)

Since September 18, 2011, I have watched him walk through hell and never flinch. He hasn't been perfect, but he has never quit trying.

I stay because I discovered there is no room in our M for moral high ground. I had as much work to do as he did.

I stay because I never felt free to break my vows. Had he not come back, not done the work, not proved that he was in this for the long haul, maybe that would have been different. But as it was, I knew that my vows still mattered.

There are so many other reasons, just jumbled up in my head right now. It has absolutely been worth it to me.

OldCow18 posted 8/9/2013 18:06 PM

I'm am still here (although our future doesn't look good) for our kids and our kids only.

catlover50 posted 8/9/2013 20:20 PM

I stay because my H has changed almost completely. Humble, honest, giving, unselfish, helpful. I feel regularly adored, come first, can express whatever thoughts or feelings I have.

I never realized he could be this way and I'm willing to stick around and see if it lasts. But I also know I am just fine on my own, and if he can't make it stick I'll be okay.

standinghere posted 8/9/2013 20:22 PM

I stayed because I love my wife. The question was "does she love me like I love her?" and that was very hard to figure out.

You are very close to DDay still, at that point we hadn't even made true progress in MC, my wife was still lying and making me look like I was crazy for doubting her.

I also knew there had to be more to the story, I'd known her to long to think it was just some "just a fuck" which she tried to make it out to be at first.

But, running into the same road block on understanding, after 6 months I was just about done. Then, the truth started coming out, and continued coming out for months, months, and months.

In the end, I made the right decision by staying, but it took a couple of years to know that. We are 12 years since the affair. 3.5 years since the disclosure of it. Just less than 3 months from the beginning of truth telling about affair, childhood, adolescence, and young adult years.

Yes, it is a meat grinder.

blakesteele posted 8/9/2013 21:57 PM


You are still very early on. The first 1-2 months after my DD I was staying because I didn't think my marriage had died...I took my wifes affair on as a husband would take on his wife being diagnosed with cancer, I knew my vows and figured this was the WORSE part of for Better or was one of the worst periods in my life as I came to some terms with the fact that my 15 year marriage as we both accepted it was no more...because my wife was so infatuated with her AP.

Then I had a period of staying due to my own FOO issues...fear of abandonment...which I never would have found out had it not been for weekly counseling sessions.

Now I understand what tens of thousands of people and hundreds of books speak wifes affair was not about me it is about her.

So now I stay because for the moment my wife appears interested in changing a part of her that has been with her for decades...most likely there since her single digit years.

It is still very unsettled...our marriage and future together.

We do have kids...and that is a factor...but I would not be here now if that were my only reason.

God be with you

Then I stayed

ionlytalkedtoher posted 8/9/2013 22:08 PM

I don't know why.

the kids are a major factor. They need him. They need us together. If I didn't have kids I wouldn't have stayed 2 seconds.

My mom would be very disappointed in me as dad had an affair on her when I was a teenager. A PA. She stayed.

blakesteele posted 8/9/2013 22:51 PM

Interesting about kids....and I am not fully settled on this.

I have read Strong Fathers, Strong I understand the importance of having a regular presence with my daughters. My own Dad disappeared for 10 years after my parents divorced...moved to the east coast to be with his AP for a short while, then moved in with his sister out there. I developed a fear of abandonment due in part to his I totally get how D can affect a child for a lifetime.

But I also understand one of the roles I have as a Dad is to model healthy behaviors for them.

If my wife is unable to move away from the unhealthy habits that enabled adultery to be a part of her tool box of things that she fixes life staying with her would model an unhealthy relationship to my daughters.

Just like I would not want my daughters to stay with a husband who continued to lie to her (even if that tendency to lie and conceal was started innocently enough in his formative years) AFTER he became aware that this was a coping mechanism of his and that it degraded his relationship with my daughter.

So I guess what I am saying is that yes, my daughters are very much a factor in this...but they do NOT speak to only once choice here.

If my wife was an alcoholic and refused to get treatment, instead she would just get really drunk every other Tuesday instead of every day...would I not be encouraged to leave with my daughters to protect them?

I have not sorted this out yet...just saying kids can influence your decision to either R or D.

Also, it is hard for me to speak to how I would be reacting to my wifes A if I did NOT have children. Hard because before adultery became a part of my marriage I didn't think I would do what I have done thus far.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:55 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

blakesteele posted 8/9/2013 23:00 PM

The for better or worse was and is a big part of this for me too.

In my case my wife broke those vows willingly...and repeatedly.

We, too, took to driving to MC sessions was wise to do that.

For now we have stopped MC, she is still going to IC.

I am feeling like OldCow18 sorry if not very upbeat for you.

Just keep in mind 3 months out is still very much at ground zero...the smoke is still thick...I know you want to rally behind your injured husband. And if you were fighting this together it would be the right thing to do....just urging you to see if he is wanting that too.

My wife at 3 months out wanted nothing to do with me or our marriage.

God have mercy on me for saying that...but it is where she WAS at. That is why 180 is such a valid tool to pull out.

Courage to you phoenix9572

RightTrack posted 8/10/2013 00:59 AM

For the kids. I'm here for the kids, especially my daughter who has severe anxiety.

I also stayed because we weren't in a financial position to sell the house. I am working to change that just in case.

betrayed5years posted 8/10/2013 01:47 AM

So very sorry you are here....We each have our own reasons, you have to find yours. Over the last year, I have left a hundred times in my head and only a couple of times have I driven away, only to come back hours later as I realized I forgot my passport or something I should have. I know, I think, if I ever leave, I will not come back or maybe I will.

My of my life has always to have a way way to cope and I never shared that with anyone until the last year. I started having deadlines by which I would make a decision to stay in or get out....a way to cope with this path of healing. Each deadline time so far, I am not ready to make a firm committment to recommitt to marriage by taking new vows with WS so I set a new date. My next date is 9/22/13 when our younger son marries..or the day after.

Our first MC was very anti spouse....we both felt it so we found a new MC and he is direct yet gives me my way to cope without critism. He only says that we are in marriage counseling not divorce counseling...fair enough to me. I consider myself in R and working daily to heal, forgive and gain any trust I can. That is all WS or MC expects....

scangel3 posted 8/11/2013 04:57 AM

First I wasn't about to lose to her and be a single parent (that was right at final dday)

Now, my kids and fear of being alone

sisoon posted 8/11/2013 12:53 PM

I wanted to stay from the moment my W confessed, because I much, much prefer the intimacy of a long term relationship to novelty. In general, love the comfort of knowing and being known by one other person, and we had had a wonderful relationship for 40+ years.

I stayed because I wanted to an because my W started doing the right things immediately. Also, I believe a truly repaired and rebuilt relationship is likely to be stronger than a new one. (I knew I could live on my own; I juts didn't want to.)

If she hadn't stepped up, I would have given her a lot of slack - probably 6-12 months.

bionicgal posted 8/11/2013 15:04 PM

I stayed at the time because I felt like I knew that our marriage was more good than bad. . Because I love him, and because we have a son. I also knew he loved me, even though he was deep in the fog at first. Those were some tough early days.

I also know him to be a basically good person, who it turns out had some crappy coping mechanisms and was very self-involved. Since D-day, he has worked so hard to make it right. It has only been two months, but even though the days are hard some times, I believe I chose wisely.

After all, to cut and run from a marriage is not how I am wired. I will advocate for us, our marriage, myself and my family. If I start to feel like this isn't fixable, then I'll have to come up with Plan B. but, for now, I am all in. It is a vulnerable place to be, but honest and I believe in my ability to handle whatever happens.

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