(((dancinOnThinIce)))
You are not alone. I do a lot of reading, counseling, have 1 good friend (who is not experienced in adultery but is a good friend I feel safe with), and post on here a lot. I would very much like to have a friend that has experienced this personally and navigated through it successfully....but I would not wish this on anyone.
Recently I stepped away from counseling....but will go back sometime in the future.
I am sorry you don't have counseling or a close friend right now...but that can change...and I would encourage you to keep an eye out for an opportunity to expand into these arenas.
But you don't need all of these things...but you do need some of them.
I too struggle to understand what my marriage was before the A...still unsure.
What I do realize is what I need is to continue to NORMALIZE my experience....not MINIMIZE it.
By that I need to accept several facts in healthy terms. That adultery is abundant in America today. That people that commit adultery do it because of who THEY are and not who their BS are (or are not). And that marriages both R and D because of adultery.
Once a BS can accept this then the work of processing through it begins...kind of defining a problem then going about solving it.
SI is one such place that helps me process through the above accepted facts.
I might challenge you to see if you really accepted him for what he was for 25 years.
What my journey has told me is that yes, in many ways I accepted my wife for who she was. But more importantly, this journey has showed me who my wife wasn't....she was not the person I thought she was...not completely.
I would say I knew her pretty well...but this desire or need or coping mechanism that she has had within her since childhood to conceal parts of her is new to me. This part was only uncovered to me through her affair and the work we have done after the affair. In a way, it is like she is really seeing this for what it is now too...so it was not malicious on her part.
This is why her affair is not about me.
so you might pay attention to what you were accepting of him honestly and what got snuck in on that acceptance....like pork gets snuck in on good legislation at the last minute.
Know what I mean?
Regardless...you are among friends here.
God be with you.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:47 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]