"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

shatteredheart7 posted 8/9/2013 20:17 PM

So I finally got this all typed up, seriously why did I make him hand write it again.

For now, I am not going to send it... but I have it saved. I am really torn because I would love for her to read what he has to say to her, but I am so scared of her trying to contact him.

Toothless Hag,

I should have written this a long time ago, I have put it off for far to long.
It is true that SH7 and I had troubles in our lives. I was confident for a while that she didn’t care for me anymore and thought it was a matter of time before our marriage was over. What I didn’t know was the fact that I would end up doing something I knew was wrong! Something I will forever regret! That would be having an affair with you!!!
Looking back now, I realize you had been wanting me all along. You could tell I wasn’t happy, but instead of just offering a little advice or encouragement, you lured me onto a path I should have never traveled! I wanted nothing more than to work things out with SH7 and the kids and be the family we should have been. Your plans were obviously different.
In a weird way of stating it, you brain washed me by telling me things I wanted to hear, saying things that made me think I was better off without all of them and so on. I was basically putty in your hands, at my lowest most vulnerable point in my life, and you took advantage of it the full extent!!
I was in a downward spiral and you knew it! I wasn’t thinking clearly and I needed help! When I told you SH7 said I needed help, you turned it all around saying they were the problem and continued telling me things that somehow made sense to me at the time but lured me more into the affair.
When it got to the point where she found out something was going on, I should have known to end everything once and for all!!! But no, you continued contacting me through emails even though I had asked you then not to contact me ever again. Yes, I was weak but you knew that didn’t you?!?!
Am I to blame for some of this? YES, I am guilty of letting it happen and ashamed that I let it go on for so long. I was flattered by the attention I was given but should have known better and stopped it. I should have talked to my wife and worked it out with her, instead of listening to more of your lies! But "should have" won't change it, so now I will happily spend the rest of my life showing her how much I love her, how sorry I am and doing my best to make it up to her.
When the “remote control to my eye” incident occurred, I seemed destined for a divorce. About 5 weeks after she moved out, I met another woman and dated her for a few weeks. Being with you was the last thing I wanted! If that hurts you, I really don’t care. I never once said that if I ever got a divorce you and I would be together. If you thought that, you were gravely mistaken. I would never end up with someone like you. You have more problems than I care to mention. I would be ashamed to be seen in public with you. You don’t even come close to measuring up in ANY way to my beautiful,sexy, caring, loving wife!
During the months I had the house to myself, and once I was away from your lies, I finally got the help I needed. I started talking to SH7 again and eventually we started dating. She went with me to one of my sessions and we figured out a lot of our problems that day. A light bulb went off in my head and we have been together ever since. In fact, we are stronger now than we have been in a really long time. Just one session is all it took for me to see what you had tried to take away from me. One session is all it took to start saving my marriage! One session to know that I didn’t want to go on without her!
Why am I telling you all of this? To let you know that you have failed to keep us apart! You can’t ever really separate two people that truly love each other. Since we have reunited, we have renewed our marriage vows! You see, TRUE LOVE ALWAYS ENDURES! Something you will never have. I blame myself for putting SH7 through so much hate but I also blame you for luring me into an affair. You were suppose to be our friend, I trusted you. But at least now I know what kind of low life piece of swamp trash you really are!!!
I have taken steps to avoid you. Have even switched bowling leagues. You can just stay away from both of us, as far away as you can, hell wouldn’t be far enough away. SH7 has helped to open my eyes to the way you are. I see you for what you really are now and can’t believe I was that damn stupid!!! She has told me about seeing you with other guys recently, smoking. What was it you always told me? Oh yeah, I would never smoke, it’s bad for you. My first thought was what a fucking hypocrite! Then my second was, I guess you change yourself to tailor whatever married man you are going to go after next. Makes me wonder just how many phony stories you actually told me in the first place. Along with playing on my sympathy about your house burning down and your son having to rescue your baby. Hate to tell you, but that story is online on a boy scout website. Your son wouldn’t have had to rescue your baby if you hadn’t of jumped out the window and left her behind!!! That right there showed me how selfish you are!
Am I upset over finding out all this about you? No, actually I am relieved to find out how fake you really are! I hate myself for letting all of this happen and ultimately hate you for taking advantage of me. Yes, I let it happen and for the life of me do not know why I let it! Let’s face it, you are not anywhere near being attractive by any guys standards. And I have a beautiful, gorgeous wife. Yet you manage to lure guys that don’t have their heads on straight, have problems in their marriage and you tell them everything they want to hear and you then lure them into an affair by teasing them with sexual enuendos until they give in! I can’t believe I fell for your tricks, but I did. Damn you for all of this! I am just glad that I finally got the help I needed and ended it once and for all!
You are nothing but a married man predator! There should be a sign in your front yard warning unhappy men to stay the hell away! Everyone should know a stalker and a predator lives there! I had thought about outing you to the entire bowling league, however, for now SH7 doesn’t want me to do that. However, should you ever try to contact me again that will be the second thing I do, the first being tell my loving wife.
Don’t ever try to contact either of us. I’m happy now! I love her more than anything in this world! I know that she is my soul mate, I honestly don’t think I would have survived losing her and I will NEVER allow anyone or anything to come between us again!! Do me and all of the other potential victims a favor! Keep your nasty self inside of your stinky troll cave and STAY AWAY!!!!!

Kelany posted 8/9/2013 21:06 PM

Woah. Blameshifting much?

He places way too much blame and responsibility on her. She "lured" him because he thought you stopped caring for him suddenly?

She *brainwashed* him? How on earth does she have that much power?

How did she lure him? He doesn't control his emotions or actions? He couldn't say no?

If he wanted nothing than to work things out with you, why did he have an affair?

If he thought you suddenly didn't care, why didn't he ask?

Why does he even care that she's hanging on other men? Smoking? Why even tell her he changed bowling leagues?

He's barely taking responsibility.needs to do a lot more digging because he is no where near getting it. Hes

canteat posted 8/9/2013 21:37 PM

Just my personal opinion, but I think this letter gives OW too much validation. Writing a letter like this can be cleansing and theraputic but I would NOT send this!! It gives her way too much credit and power. Going into details and explainations makes it seem as if she matters. Treat her like the meaningless POS she is.

How about something like:

It's over. I love my wife and am committed to working things out with her. What you and I had was a mistake that I deeply regret. Do not contact me or anyone in my family in any way, ever.

[This message edited by canteat at 9:38 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

tryingmybest2011 posted 8/9/2013 21:45 PM

Um.

Are these his sentiments, or yours? It sounds as if it comes from a BS point of view - written by you, to sound like it comes from him. I agree that way too much power is given to Toothless Hag.

shatteredheart7 posted 8/9/2013 22:28 PM

I can see where it would look like he is putting to much blame on her and not owning his part. However, he does own his part in what he did. He has told me repeatedly that HE FUCKED UP, that he was weak, he had lost his faith. I have read the emails that they exchanged, I know that she was taking advantage of his severe depression I know he felt like he was worthless. He had given up. She is a predator, I have known her for years and have seen her do this to other people and she is very good at it.
He doesn't care that she is hanging on some guy or smoking, the point of that was to point out that he now sees her for what a liar she is. As for telling her that he switched bowling leagues, they bowled together on the same league so he was simply pointing out that she hadn't taken that away either, he just switched to a different league on a different night.

Canteat~ I agree it does give her too much power, however, honestly she did have that much power over him. He didn't feel like he was worthy of me. He couldn't face his depression. I have read on here that some people say their WS was not the same person during the A. With him this is very true! He wasn't the man I married and he wasn't the man he is now. He finally got not just IC help but medical help for his depression. I am not planning on sending it to her. But it was helpful for me to read his thoughts!

tryingmybest~ He wrote it! I didn't even see it until he was done writing it, not even a peek. I left him alone in the room while he was writing. Kind of sounds strange, but he is a pretty emotional guy and once those emotions start rolling out it is hard for him to stop them. But yes, these are his words, thoughts, feelings. I have the handwritten letter laying here beside me. I copied it word for word. I may have added a comma or fixed a spelling here and there but that is it.

I know some will say that I am not facing the fact that he is placing more blame on her and not owning what he did. Yes, he could have said no, and did many times. Ultimately he did something that he knew was wrong, he says he will regret it until the day he dies. He is completely transparent with me and will do anything he can to make me feel safe and loved. Our big problem was we forgot how to communicate with each other. We talk all the time now. When he gave me this letter he sat and held my hand as I read it, then we went over every line of it. Me asking questions, him answering.

beenthere2? posted 8/9/2013 22:48 PM

Don't send that.

A NC should be short and to the point. That letter actually tells her that she means something to him and that he may still be weak.

solus sto posted 8/9/2013 23:56 PM

Good lord. If there were ever an NC letter NOT to send, this is it.

That it was written for you shows a tremendous lack of empathy and insight.

An NC letter should be curt and devoid of reminiscence.

Toothless Hag,
Do not contact me again by any means. Associating with you was the worst mistake of my life. I am committed to my marriage.
WS

[This message edited by solus sto at 11:57 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

isadora posted 8/10/2013 05:40 AM

Yes one of the problems of the M could be communication, but it was not the reason he cheated. yes depression could have been a factor. Yes she could have been the aggressor. But he still made the choice. By putting to much blame on the OW he does not have to dig deep to find out why. It's tough to wrap our minds how someone who loves us could betray us. That we are married to a broken person. But if he doesn't own his shit, then he will always be vulnerable to a perfect storm.

cantgetup posted 8/10/2013 07:45 AM

I'm sorry but that is NOTa NC letter. That is a letter of a 6th grade girl passing in class to another 6th grade girl. I would be mortified if my WH sent this. Humiliated. Moreover I would be very upset that this constitutes his view and reasoning for the A and that he thinks the contents form the basis for him getting it. If he sends it, she will assume in a heartbeat , like I did, that you wrote it. Don't degrade yourself like that. If a letter must be sent, it must come from him and a lot needs to be changed. And leave out all of the exclamation marks.

womaninflux posted 8/10/2013 07:54 AM

My eyes!

The message of a NC should be simple and explicit. "The relationship between you and me was wrong, it was entirely my fault for using poor judgement and is over. I am rebuilding my marriage. Please respect this and do not contact me in any way."

Your version legitimizes the AP and deflects the responsibility for the affair to external reasons. It should just simply say it was a mistake and WS takes full responsibility and that it is over.

PurpleRose posted 8/10/2013 07:58 AM

You know that BS fog we talk about here all the time? Well, if you think this "NC" letter is acceptable then you are still in that fog.

This letter is full of poor me, the OW is a predator and I am not responsible for the A because of the big bad toothless hag. It's HER fault!

I sure hope you make him stick with IC because this letter is a horrible attempt at NC. He has blame shifted the entire thing to her - yes he has. I see that you can't read it that way, and I understand why that would be difficult, but a few of us have the same opinion of this one.

Please don't ever send this version. She will be so empowered by "his" juvenile attempt - and that's not what you want I am sure. And it really does read like YOU wrote this.

Maybe he really did, but if that is the case, he wrote it to sound like you force fed him the words.

Kelany posted 8/10/2013 08:28 AM

I know you say that YOU aren't sending it, but did he write it THINKING you would be sending it? If so, he wrote it intending for it to go to her! Even if he didn't, this is still all kinds of wrong sweetie.

He is not owning anything in this letter, there is absolutely zero accountability or remorse. And given that you're over a year out, I think he's still deep in the fog.

Okay, so he was depressed. How did she take advantage of that? How did she "lure" him into an affair? How did she stalk him and brain wash him?

Either he had no control over his own choices, or he is blaming her so he does not have to account fully for his actions.

This is essentially "I'm pissed off at you, how dare you ruin my life (she didn't, he did) and I want you to know you're UGLY too! So THERE!"

Honestly, please see this letter for what it is...someone who does NOT get it yet at all.

My FWH was also depressed (bipolar, diagnosed after DDay1), suffers from PTSD, Abandonment issues, and a host of other FOO issues. It does not excuse his actions, nor does he blame his AP's for trapping him into an affair. He has (and is) digging as to why he allowed HIMSELF to make those choices. If he ever wrote something like this to an ex AP, I'd have his clothes on the porch in hefty bags.

hardtimesinlife posted 8/10/2013 08:30 AM

He wrote an angry, blame filled breakup letter, not a nc letter.

It seems as though you believe him incapable of resisting predators. That if you can teach him to avoid being played by a predator then he will not stray again.

The problem with this reasoning is that there are more predators than there are minutes in your day. IMO heneeds to get honest and find out what he can fix within himself to never betray you again. and you need to understand that it isn't your job to teach him to see through manipulative women.

[This message edited by hardtimesinlife at 8:34 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]

MrsDoubtfire posted 8/10/2013 08:42 AM

You know that BS fog we talk about here all the time? Well, if you think this "NC" letter is acceptable then you are still in that fog.
This letter is full of poor me, the OW is a predator and I am not responsible for the A because of the big bad toothless hag. It's HER fault!

Gently here but this is from a man who sounds like he still needs to work on boundary issues... she lured him away despite him telling her it was wrong etc???

This letter is awful. I'm sorry but where's the ownership? He messed up but it was because she made him do it? Playground talk. It makes me sooo for you.

ButterflyWings posted 8/10/2013 11:30 AM

Woah. Blameshifting much?

I'm sorry but I tend to agree with this. This letter is nothing more then a way for him to shift responsibility to her. NC should be short, concise and to the point.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/10/2013 11:44 AM

Ho-ly Cheese on a Cracker.
Thank the high heavens that you didn't send that letter. All copies of it should be burned immediately.

TBH, that letter creeped me out. Everyone keeps pointing out that it sounds as if you wrote it......and I thought you did at first, too. I thought that you typed it and then had him hand-write it (which kinda had me scratching my head until I saw your explanation)

But it creeped me out because it is as if he is channeling and parroting you. And the sentiments he wrote really seem to indicate that he is just an 'empty vessel.' He paints himself in such an incredibly passive way, that, after reading it, I wanted to lay down and take a nap myself!

Do me and all of the other potential victims a favor!

I don't care if he tattoos "I fucked up" on his forehead. He is NOT owning his shit. He doesn't "get it." He absolutely sees himself as the total 'victim' in this scenario....he even said that. And you know what? It really isn't "shame on her" for being a predator, it is shame on him for wallowing in the "she took advantage of ME" role that he is using. The A went on for 2(!) years!!!! Your WH is no victim in this.

I wouldn't be happy about this letter. At All. Especially at this far out......

k94ever posted 8/10/2013 12:42 PM

SH7,

Your WS didn't make a mistake.

A mistake is putting on a brown sock and a blue sock. Or grabbing the wrong measuring cup and putting too much flour in the cookies.

He made a decision to have sex with this person. He thought about it, planned it, and carried it out.

He made a BAD DECISION, not a mistake.

And that letter???? He wrote it for you.

k9

SoVerySadNow posted 8/10/2013 15:26 PM

Here would be my NC letter:
"Bottom Dwelling Scum Sucking Whore:
Eat shit and die. Never attempt to contact me in any way, ever."

Bobbi_sue posted 8/10/2013 16:48 PM

As soon as I read this letter, I liked it, but I have been reading here for 7 years now and I knew most would call it "blameshifting" and your H not owning anything. And say don't send.

My senses tell me that your H IS remorseful and he IS owning up to his PART of it but also sees how he allowed himself to be played.

I just think the OW deserves everything said in the letters so therefore, in your shoes, I'd send it. In fact the Whore from my situation got an NC letter that was kind of similar, definitely menioned how she saw My H's mother's and daughter's deaths as opportunities for herself to have her best chance to try to break up our M.

shatteredheart7 posted 8/10/2013 18:16 PM

Thank you Bobbie_sue.

I posted this letter for support and got not one word of support from anyone other than bobbie_sue. I really resent that you all seem to think I wrote this letter. I feel that you all ganged up on me. You can all have your opinion. However, I KNOW he is remorseful. I KNOW he blames himself. I KNOW all the hard work he has put in to fixing himself so that it never happens again. But as they say it takes two to tango. Is she suppose to get off scott free? Why shouldn't she hear how much he is disgusted by her? I KNOW that he in fact does GET IT! Everyone that knows us sees how he is back to his old self and how much he truly loves me. They seen him hit rock bottom when he lost me and they see how very happy we are now.

When I asked him to write this letter, I asked for a NC letter that told her what he thought of her. That is what I got. I'm sorry if you think I wrote it or told him what to write but anyone that knows him would know that he wrote this letter. And yes, he is a very passive person.

I'm sorry I posted this here. If a mod wants to take it down they can.