My heart is heavy and full of sorrow for you devasted30. It is because I experienced what you are feeling first hand.
I still am waiting for another shoe to drop...and I am 11 months out. Each day that goes by is better...but I still feel there is more to this then I have been allowed to see.
It is becoming clear that my wife was very skilled at keeping secrets...or maybe better stated...very learned in how NOT to make herself vulnerable (available to me or anyone else) coming from her FOO issues (father an alcoholic, divorce when she was young, and then basically no father after that).
What has changed for me over the past 11 months is that I no longer have the feelings that my wife did this to ME...and that helps. The fact that both the affair and trickle truthing took place is still very painful.
But, when I more fully see where my wife started from...her relationship foundation set by her parents...I really do get that my wifes affair was not about ME...it is about HER.
Now....do I have what it takes to stick this out to see if she can modify herself in healthy ways to counteract decades of how she operated? I think this is a question all us BS ask...and it is tough to answer.
Things WS do AFTER the affair make this easier to answer. If the lying continues...the answer becomes NO. If honesty is chosen the answer is YES.
I know it is not that simple...but hopefully you see what I mean. How many times do people post on here it was not the affair itself that caused me to seek a divorce...it is what happened after the affair that made D the option for me.
I see that now...WS certainly become acutely aware of their coping mechanisms and how unhealthy they are after the affair is exposed. Before the affair I really don't think my wife knew she was risking what she was risking by coping as she coped.
Now, ignorance is gone. The next step is to see if our WS have the courage to change.
I pray for every couple wrestling with this that their WS change. If they don't, not only will their current marriage end, they really have no hope for a healthy one anytime in the future....and they will wind up hurting another person.
God be with us all.
note: I have things to change too...so not putting all the work on the WS here...but certainly immediately following DD the WS has a mountain of repair work to tend to...radical honesty is mandatory.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:45 PM, August 9th (Friday)]