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It's the lying

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devasted30 posted 8/9/2013 20:40 PM

I found out the other day that my WH has continued to lie to me about the details of the affairs. I begged him to tell me the truth because I needed it all. I didn't want to start feeling better and then get pushed down again into the dark tunnel. I pleaded and begged and tried with our therapist etc. I was starting to believe that things were going to work out - that possibly I did know it all. But, NO. He continued to lie to me about some of the facts. Even though he swore that I knew it all. He told me he had been telling me the truth since January 22/13.
Now, I'm right back down there. I'm hurting again like it is Day 1. How can I ever trust him again when he swore that he was telling me the truth. The facts don't matter - it's that he continued to lie. He tells me it was to keep from hurting me but doesn't he know the lies hurt me as much if not more so.
Now, I feel only anger and resentment towards him. I don't know where the love went but it's gone. Will it come back?

krazy8516 posted 8/9/2013 20:52 PM

I didn't want to start feeling better and then get pushed down again into the dark tunnel.

This is my fear as well, Devastated. I want the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. And not in tiny pieces over the course of a year. As if the infidelity itself wasn't enough, then they bury us in lies and expect us to trust them.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I know first-hand how miserable it is. As far as the love goes... I wish I could promise you it comes back. I warned my WH the other day that if he wanted to fix this he should act fast, before I decided I no longer want to. He seems to have come to his senses just in time. I hope yours isn't too late.


womaninflux posted 8/9/2013 20:56 PM

I agree that the worst part about the affair isn't the affair itself but all of the lying that goes along with it.

Is your WS seeing an IC? Isn't part of the process writing up a full disclosure? It is in my SAWH's therapy process.

If you can't trust him, I would ask him for a separation.

canteat posted 8/9/2013 21:26 PM

I think it takes a while for the WS to understand how bad TT is (and by then the damage is done) I think part of the problem is that they haven't processed it all yet themselves. They don't know how to answer some questions so they say nothing. They haven't wrapped their heads around what they have done, the damage they have caused nor the depth of it. They may not be in the fog-but they're not thinking clearly either.

Rebuilding trust is a process, and this is only one part of it. Is he more successful with other things in your R or is he not doing any of the work? Do you think that he may be having a hard time talking to you face to face about the details? Maybe he can write them out for you. You can write down questions that he can answer. Maybe he can do that as opposed to looking you in the eye and telling you. My WH started laughing when we talked about details he was very uncomfortable with-you know the kind of inappropriate laughter people do at funerals and such. He was really pushed out of his comfort zone and was kinda freaking out there a bit. I didn't push for too many details (cause I don't want the nitty gritty) so he made it through but it was hard on both of us. People handle things in different ways(it's obvious WS don't handle things well or they wouldn't be WS.) Maybe there's a way you can help him give you what you need? Not "make it easy on him" but help him communicate better.

blakesteele posted 8/9/2013 21:38 PM

My heart is heavy and full of sorrow for you devasted30. It is because I experienced what you are feeling first hand.

I still am waiting for another shoe to drop...and I am 11 months out. Each day that goes by is better...but I still feel there is more to this then I have been allowed to see.

It is becoming clear that my wife was very skilled at keeping secrets...or maybe better stated...very learned in how NOT to make herself vulnerable (available to me or anyone else) coming from her FOO issues (father an alcoholic, divorce when she was young, and then basically no father after that).

What has changed for me over the past 11 months is that I no longer have the feelings that my wife did this to ME...and that helps. The fact that both the affair and trickle truthing took place is still very painful.

But, when I more fully see where my wife started from...her relationship foundation set by her parents...I really do get that my wifes affair was not about is about HER. I have what it takes to stick this out to see if she can modify herself in healthy ways to counteract decades of how she operated? I think this is a question all us BS ask...and it is tough to answer.

Things WS do AFTER the affair make this easier to answer. If the lying continues...the answer becomes NO. If honesty is chosen the answer is YES.

I know it is not that simple...but hopefully you see what I mean. How many times do people post on here it was not the affair itself that caused me to seek a is what happened after the affair that made D the option for me.

I see that now...WS certainly become acutely aware of their coping mechanisms and how unhealthy they are after the affair is exposed. Before the affair I really don't think my wife knew she was risking what she was risking by coping as she coped.

Now, ignorance is gone. The next step is to see if our WS have the courage to change.

I pray for every couple wrestling with this that their WS change. If they don't, not only will their current marriage end, they really have no hope for a healthy one anytime in the future....and they will wind up hurting another person.

God be with us all.

note: I have things to change not putting all the work on the WS here...but certainly immediately following DD the WS has a mountain of repair work to tend to...radical honesty is mandatory.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:45 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

devasted30 posted 8/9/2013 23:51 PM

Thanks for the messages. I don't know what to do. He has his excuses for why he lied, but it still doesn't excuse the fact that he did. It is so much more complicated than that. I was extremely upset, took a couple of tranquilizers and started to drink some wine. Next thing I knew, I was being arrested by the police. WS had called them because I was out of control. Most of that I do not remember. What a mess my life has become. I am so ashamed of myself and the way I have handled myself. All I cared about when WS was gone was that he would come home. And he did. It was difficult, but, we were making it work. Now??????
30 years together

blakesteele posted 8/10/2013 05:56 AM

try to be patient and forgive YOURSELF right on your marriage and forgiving your husband at a later time.

How Can I Forgive You? The Courage to Forgive, The Freedom Not to. By Janis Spring is, in my opinion, the best book on this topic. It has helped me forgive myself in healthy ways...and has the potential to help me forgive my wife.

Might read it.

God be with you.

wanttofeelwhole posted 8/10/2013 08:19 AM

I'm sorry. It's terrible when you're trying to trust and know you do not have the truth. Why they lie or keep secrets is beyond me. For me, I am certain there are things I don't know and things he has lid about. For a long time I begged for everything. I dont ask anymore very often, but think of it daily. Sadly, at this point, unless it came from a complete open unprovoked confession from him any new information would end my marriage. I'm sure if he ever got this through his head he would find the courage to be honest. It's sad, I love my husband, I want this marriage and his stupidity will be our demise.

scangel3 posted 8/11/2013 04:50 AM

I'm so sorry your getting TT! Out sucks. 3 years post initial dday and I finally got the rest of the truths (TT) from him, as long as those weren't lies too. Although I believe/feel I have all the facts of his A, maybe not every detail date for date on a time line, but I have the overall of what happened within his 9 month A.

My advice keep pushing until you have everything you need to heal. Don't accept less then that. Trust me 2 years later finding out more TT still takes you right back to dday. And the whole healing process begins all over again. And the lies and deceit (for me) have been harder to get through then the actual acts of the A. Knowing he lied for 3 years is making it seem impossible to fully heal and ever trust again. But then again since last TT (and possibly the biggest) just came a month ago, i'm still fresh...again, in this. Hang in there and don't give in, until you are satisfied with his answers or are ready to walk away.

kickboxer posted 8/11/2013 07:22 AM

Your words resonate with me.

It's just a matter of time.

For me, that is.

I know he isn't being completely truthful. He will tell me the minimum necessary, but other details will surface...and then he'll lie about them.

I am building a wall around my heart...when it comes, I hope this wall will protect the wounded love I'm trying to nurture back to health.

I need the whole ugly truth before I can start to heal, but he's too selfish. I will pay the price.

wolf_heart posted 8/11/2013 07:57 AM

I wish there was some way for our waywards to understand just how much damage they did by lying to us. Especially when we begged for the truth.
It is the worse part of the affair. The betrayal of the affair is just part of our pain. The greater amount is that when we needed help to understand and get past things we were betrayed once again by the lies.
No wayward will ever truly get how those lies are what damaged us the most. Not unless they have been as deeply betrayed by someone they loved the most in this world. Someone who was suppose to think of them first and protect them.
TT is damaging and destructive. Lying to me to save or spare my feelings is never helpful. Truth is what we all need.
I begged for months and got lies. Wasn't till the OW called to tell me what happened and I threatened him that he finally admitted to sleeping with her. If only he could have told me when I first asked questions. It would have saved me a lot of pain and healing time.

OldCow18 posted 8/11/2013 11:22 AM

Devastated, this is exactly where I am also. It's been 9 weeks and I just discovered a fairly large lie and some inappropriate lingering behavior. My WS is in IC but has SO MUCH work to do on himself to be the kind of man it takes to try to heal what's happened. He is like many men that feel that a little white lie to save face won't hurt anyone. I believe this is hard wired. He will also do anything not to "set me off" so he lies or he avoids. I believe he loves me, I beleive he is sorry, I believe losing his family will devastate him beyond compare. I just wish that was enough to save this marriage, sadly, it's not. And I just don't know how many times we can talk about it until he gets it before I give up.

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