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Hi

In the process of discovering deception i came across a message board that FWW was posting on with the OM. Some of the people i recgonized from ny own message board. Needless to say that i sent out letters thanking them for turning a blind eye to the goings on. I also invited them delete me from their contacts as i want no part of these enablers.

A few got back to me with apologies and saying they never encouraged the behavior but did not wabt to betray a friendship. Two wrote back saying that they were sympathetic and offered answers. One of them even went and posted a question to the board that i felt was to the point.

"We all turned a bling eye dor whatever reason to infidelity on our board. The question we should be asking ourselves is this.

Would we do as much to save a marriage as we did to ignore a marriage?"

I found myself asking the same question about my ex board people.

Any opinions on this topic?

[This message edited by Coma at 9:27 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

Coma,

I don't have any experience that relates to your relationships with these people on these different forums. I can relate to the aspect that a LOT of people knew for many years about my wife's affair, way before I knew, they also personally knew me, and they never told me.

Most of those people I pretty much had to shut out. There were a couple of exceptions to that rule. No, they didn't tell me about the affair, but they did actively try to talk my wife out of it on more than one occasion.

It's a very personal decision on who you decide were "friends of the marriage", and also friends of you. If you feel like you were betrayed by them, there's no obligation for you to continue contact with them. Eff em.

Hopefully someone else will come along that is able to relate a bit better, but in the meantime, strength to you. Sorry you had to go through that multiple level of betrayal.

My H came clean to his family about a year before I knew anything they kept it from the hookers he cheated with before the A he left for all those holidays and BDay parties and they knew !!!

Coma,

A number of people knew about my fWH's A as well. I didn't confront them all but, for the ones I did, I usually got 2 reasons why they never said anything. For those that considered themselves mainly his friend they all said it wasn't their place to say anything. For those that claimed to be 'our' friends said that they didn't want to jeopardize their relationship with me. Funny enough NONE of them are part of our lives now. IMHO, keeping the secret of a betrayal is a betrayal in and of itself.

Now if my fWH can get a different job we can remove the last 'friend that knew' out of our lives. He is my fWH's boss. Not only did he know, but he actively helped my fWH with his A. Literally cannot look at the bastard.

Mack

I have worked with a male co-worker for over 10 years. I knew him before he met his future now ex-wife. And Although I knew of his wife when they were dating, and then married, I didn't see her very often. And this was all before I ever had the glory of experiencing infidelity in my own household.

Even while he was dating his future wife, he had a relationship with a female co-worker that just seemed too close for my liking. To this day, I don't know if they ever were physical, but there is no doubt in my mind(now) that it was emotional. And as much as I replay this in my head today, I don't know if I should or should not have done anything more.

I just didn't know their relationship well enough to interfere. When he would tell me in a regular conversation something that was about our female co-worker---something not work related---I would ask "does your wife know this?". Usually his answer was a little obscure and diversionary, and it would make me uncomfortable.

AFTER I was hit with my ensuing D-days, I saw it differently. But I really felt that if I interfered in their personal life, I was doing so out of my own raw emotional pain...and I wasn't going to allow that. I have tons of faults, but if I am anything, it is analytical.

I still work with him, and very rarely see his ex-wife, although they do get along. The female co-worker is no longer here, but he still has a friendship with her even 2 years after she has left. The fact that they are not an exclusive couple today even makes me more unsure of their relationship. I would have predicted that they would have been together within days of their divorce being final.

The bottom line is that I am still confused on if my role should have been greater. I did no justice for the ex-wife---but if I did get involved, was it my place to do so? I really don't know.

I know this is on the outer fringe of your scenario, but I still felt that I should post it. I wasn't complicit(I don't think), but I still feel uneasy for my inaction. But I can't help but feel that I would be meddling if I got more involved.

I am pretty sure that a number of people knew about my FWHs ea w the mcow. They were constantly in each others offices, going out for lunch nearby, sharing cute little inside jokes...I've seen their secret email correspondence, I know what they did and where. Large dept at uni, lots of grad students around all the time, lots of other instructors there as well. I don't really blame the grad students for not saying anything to me-- they're in a vulnerable position, they didn't know me. The colleagues however...I've known some if them for decades. I feel v bitter towards them, and have dropped them from our life. No excuse -- they made a decision to lie by omission, to behave in an unethical and hurtful way. Hurtful not just to me, their friend, but to our child.

You are right to call these people on it, and to cut them off. They are not your friends.

I have one saving grace about this whole mess. That is that FWW and i are still together and working on us. Social media and hook-up boards are the safe way to go for those that practice infidelity. Thinking that there is no harm done because it is not real.

I just lost a bunch of people i used to comment with daily. Some knew and some just played dumb. Regardless, i don't need are have the energy to waste on idiots. I mean i don't expect others to handle or solve my problems but you would think a friend would let me know if there was trouble.

Thing is that i really liked communicating with some of those people and i will miss them greatly. FWW has decided to say her goodbyes to some as well. She say7s because she wants to show me that she supports my action. She will lose some friends as well.

I do think it is for the best because i need people of character in my life right now with strong morals. I wish the others luck and happiness but i do not need people that will compromise themselves for a fantasy. All because thyey lack the strength to say "No".

Hi Coma,

Yes, many people knew about the A but did not tell me.

There is one who knew almost the whole time and hid herself away. What I don't understand is that I learned she is a fellow BS who kept her marriage after dday, so it hurts extra, somehow, that this type of person knew.

What I can't figure out how to let go, is that my own family knew, all of them but a few, before I did.

Who did I finally hear it from? Floozy herself, in a very proud-sounding text message.

I've spoken to one or two people asking why they didn't tell me and after getting several different answers from the same person-my own mother, for one-I stopped trying to learn anything. She is NPD so it helps me to process the thoughts on my own, in her case, but the others are also difficult.

I think I've learned that facing an affair is facing reality and that's simply too hard for many people to do. The only other person who told me I consider a real friend, and she is another fellow BS who said she agonized over telling me. She caught nearly Exh on the dating sites prior to hookup with Ow.

I'm sorry for your hard times and glad you could cut them from your contacts list. I think even if it were hard, I would tell.

I have a friend who lives a quite a distance away and she fights for her marriage. I've tried to be a friend and be truthful when the clues or red flags show themselves and there are mirror issues going on there. I think it's only a matter of time and she is a lot like I used to be.

My family had a chance to help save my marriage, for they were present during some of false R. They actually made it worse and made Nearly ExH uncomfortable in his own home, drove him away some days and one threatened to go back home (another country) without notice to me when I wasn't here. Big mess.

Unfortunately, the easy thing is to ignore.

It's simply unacceptable dor any decent person to condone something that will destroy someone else's life. I don't understand it.

I knew of an affair before i was married. I didn't get involved because i knew some facts to the affair. I guess in my own way i condoned it. It was just the way to me back then. When i got married those old ways were to ne no more. At least as far as i was concerned. Iwould not do to my W what had been done to me or what i had done to another. Marriage made me responsible to more than just myself and (IMO) a better person.

I know it may sound a little judgemental and especially so of other married couples in trouble. Believe me a person that is not practicing fidelity cannot even begin to show you the way.

I would probably find it impossible to live with my friends accepting the OW as a friend, but I can understand reticence about disclosing the A.

I've found it very interesting that many of my friends and acquaintances did not like the X very much; he was very charismatic, so I thought he was well-liked. Evidently not so...

During my H's first A, DOZENS of his coworkers (who were friends and former coworkers of mine as well) knew and didn't opt to tell me. They came crawling out of the rafters after I already knew, but I have never gotten over the fact that they just watched it happen and didn't say anything.

On the other hand, a few years ago I lost a very good friend when I told him that his wife was cheating on him. I knew it was true and I was very gentle in telling him, but he opted to "kill the messenger" and we are no longer friends. It was difficult to deal with but I'd like to think he and his wife at least got some counseling.