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I dont think I want to do this anymore, I was fine and R was going good, then came the toxic TT. I feel like I put in the effort pre A to have a good M and then I got fucked over for nothing at my expense. I still feel like I have love for him but Ive fallen out of love since his A and TT exacerbated it. We've been getting along fine but I feel like im pushing myself to love him and be happy with him and our M. I feel stuck because im a sahm, trying to go back to school and I have a poor support system. I have no way out but I dont know if I can stay in. I dont deserve to be put through what hes done to me and he doesn't deserve me. Some have said that this is a phase and all I have to do is stay optimistic until the storm passes but the only end I can foresee right now is without him. I feel like hes stunted my happiness and personal growth. I feel like staying would only facilitate what hes done and enable his "old" bad life stlye and behaviors. I have seen the changes but whos to say he will continue being good. After all, a boa can shed its skin but it cant change its markings.

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 11:13 PM, August 9th (Friday)]

I am sorry you are struggling. I have heard it said before that A don't kill a marriage the TT does. Sometimes it is just a deal breaker and nothing can change it.

For me I had to really inventory what was important to me. What were the positives of staying? What were the negatives of staying? What were the positives of leaving? What were the negatives of leaving? I had to put it down on paper. Lay it all out in front of me to see which way to go.

Your last TT was just a couple weeks ago. You are just starting this journey. It will get easier. Then harder. Then easier again. If you want R communication is the key. Talk to your WH. Tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him exactly what you need. If he wants R and is remorseful he will try his best.

I went through months of TT after my initial DD. It is painful, but I believe it is more the norm then not.

WS just don't give up control easily...who does really? They have come from an illicit, adulterous relationship...one built on enough lies and secrecy to both fool us and themselves...so it takes some a while to quit that destructive pattern.

Kind of like an addict coming out of their drug habit.

I read your profile...seems like you are aware that him withholding his feelings from you led him to his affair...similar to our situation. This is part of what is meant by affairs are not about the BS they are strictly about the WS. I agree with you that he should not mask or cover up his journey away from his affair...he should invite you to witness for yourself what he is doing...and let you decide on if this is the man you want to be married to.

Also, if it helps, my wife decided to take her EA to PA while we were in weekly counseling sessions. Again, I can relate to your experience when you took your husband at his word that he was not sexually attracted to the OW...and two days later they have sex.

I don't know what should be done...my heart aches for you for the recent TT you have been served. It does cause one to loose that feeling of love for someone.

Love is an action though...if it were a feeling then what our WS had with their AP was love...because boy did they feel it! That might have been lust, or codependency, or escape, or fantasy...but it most certainly was not love.

It is dang tough to do actionable love with someone who has proven to reject your offers of it....as mine did during her affair and the fog that followed...but it is our choice.

You may be coming to choosing not to love your husband. I may be coming to choose not love my wife. I think for both of us this has not really been an option for us...it certainly was an option for our WS.

Now...are our WS really choosing to love us...or are they trying to manipulate and control this horrid situation that they created under the illusions of being in control?

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:37 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]

I ended up going through months of a false R and then decided to get out.

Only then did true R start and I saw a vast difference in FWH's approach to me.

Only you can decide what is right for you but you are really early on in this journey. Don't make any major decisions until you are absolutely positive you will be happy with them in 2-3-10 years time.

Deciding to wait a while before deciding whether to stay or go is ALSO a decision.

Stay strong and keep posting.

I dont know, we had a great time on saturday, MC went good on friday and today was good. But he hasnt really been taking the incentive like he did when I first took him back. I dont feel like I should have to spell out what I need from him, he should know what actions are best and what course to take. Or is that asking to much from a WS? After all, his moral compass is way off to begin with so he probably doesn't even stop to think if his actions bother me.

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 7:39 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

I dont feel like I should have to spell out what I need from him, he should know what actions are best and what course to take

Just one thing I see...you do have to tell him what you need.

Expecting him to know what you need is setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt.

His idea of helping you and your idea of helping you may come from two different sides of the world.

Hang in there.... it's a long bumpy ride.

I know he's no mind reader but come on, i have to draw the line somewhere. He cant just coast to the finnish line, neither one of us will accomplish anything in our M, especially while trying to R. I've always been the one lifting and carrying the weight of our M, I've single handedly held everything together while he sits on his ass and complains about me taking to long, not doing things right and me needing to change to his liking. Since his A, I have a no tolerance policy, much like how his was, except I hold both of us to my standards and because he doesn't have any. No more do as I say, not as I do bull shit.

It isn't tit for tat. You have mentioned numerous times through your posts your anger at the way your H was pre-A.

I think the concerns and feelings you have are valid. I understand you want to be strong and stand up for yourself.

Reversing roles here isn't going to help your marriage. You were unhappy with how he treated you, you treating him in the same manner will have the same result but in reverse.

While going through R it is important to find yourself and get healthy in order to create a healthy marriage.

A power struggle will only end up hurting your attempt at R, IMO.

When both people have gotten some IC and are working from a healthier place the marriage benefits when both husband and wife work together to create a well-balanced union where you both share the heavy loads and help each other through the tough times.

I don't expect you to take being treated poorly, not at all, but I also don't believe a WS deserves to be treated as though they screwed up so the BS has free reign.

I hope you are able to work through this anger and your H is able to continue down the good path he started.

(((Donewithlove)))

You can decide you don't want to stay in the marriage without immediately leaving or divorcing. See a lawyer or two just to understand what your options are and to know what kind of info and documentation you need to go thru with a D. If you don't have a support system aside from your WH while you are going to school, well, stay in the marriage while you work to get out of it.

I think that if you do this, you will be in a better position whether you stay in the marriage for the long haul, or get out of it. It's a way of taking control of your own life.

About spelling it out -- oh yeah, I know just what you mean. I hated that I had to tell him what I needed (fortunately the MCOW got angry at him for the same reason ). What was worse was when I sucked it up, told him what I wanted in an effort to help him make R work, and then had to listen to him whine that if he was just doing what I told him to do, then it wasn't authentic, or worse, it WAS authentic but I wouldn't think so because I would think he was just doing it because I told him to do it. Dude, I'm looking for *effort*. Creativity is bonus

It's only funny now. At the time it made me crazy and made me really start to consider D as an option.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 4:05 PM, August 12th (Monday)]

I dont want to stay just so I can go to school, I dont want to use him. Using him is my only option right now though but only because I haven't looked at what I can get for loans, grants, scholarships or assistance. Id rather die trying and crash and burn by myself then be successful with someone else bearing down on me, taking credit for all of my hard work.

Every time I talk to him, help says sorry and that its hard because he doesn't have the opertunities to do what he wants to do. I think if he would quit waiting for me to get up and initiate things that his time would be more productive and better spent. We are going away this weekend so he'll have all the opertunities he needs to sweep me off my feet.

I am in no way as bad as he was, I have a conscience and I apologize when I know I've been too heartless. Like I tell him, dont say sorry unless you mean it. Sorries are a dime a dozen these days and I dont need bandaids, I need real help and real solutions. Im holding him to my standards, that doesn't mean I'm taking free reign over his new good will, just that my standards are a bit higher up on the moral food chain than his. Its probably why im always the cheated and never the cheater, Im not apologizing for being a decent human being.

Im just coming to terms with the fact that I mean so little to him and that he never really cared about me or loved me very much, if at all.

[This message edited by DoneWithLove at 6:44 PM, August 12th (Monday)]