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Trial separation?

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NotsosunnyG posted 8/10/2013 06:16 AM

Dday was only a week ago, that he has had four encounters with escorts (within 1.5 months). We were already struggling with our marriage (on and off for a long time) and had started counseling again (ironically the same time as the escorts - that hurt a lot!). Anyways, in our counseling before I found out, we had only given ourselves until September 1st to see if things had improved or whether we would separate.

Fast forward to now, after I found out. I told him immediately that we needed to separate and this was essentially the last straw. Instead of doing something drastic like selling the house though, we decided to do a trial separation for six months while we both do IC and hopefully MC as well.

Much of what I have read on the forum so far are people staying together in the same house to work things out. Are any of you posting in this forum in a separation where you think things might change between you (I.e Get back together) or when you separated was it essentially final and just the step towards divorce?

sparkysable posted 8/10/2013 08:18 AM

I will tell you the truth. "trial separation" to him means "free-for-all to continue his behavior that he has no intention of changing". Anyone that eager to get out of the house has no intention of staying in the marriage.

He's had encounters with escorts? That's just the ones you've found out about. What HAVEN'T you found out about?

This guy, to me, does not sound like someone who wants to be married. Honestly, I think you need to protect yourself, get a lawyer, file some paperwork. He can do a lot of damage to you as your "husband" during this separation. Financial, emotional, you name it.

PhantomLimb posted 8/10/2013 09:04 AM

Mine similarly wanted to take a "break" and asked me to look for a sublet. Turns out the A had already gone underground.

We're no longer together.

NotsosunnyG posted 8/10/2013 09:07 AM

Thanks for the insight. It was actually me who told him he had to find another place as I needed space and he needed to make some drastic changes to his life if things are going to work. I have heard some negative things about trial separations so I'm hoping to hear some been there done that stories. I don't kid myself that in six months we might be doing something more formal but I thought it was the first step and gives my DD who is eight starting school in a few weeks, some adjusting time in her own home before we have to sell the house....

devistatedmom posted 8/10/2013 10:14 AM

My biggest worry with a trial sep like you are suggesting is that you are still totally tied financially. So, he goes out get his own place. Now, you have to pay all the bills for two places out of the same pot. If he does continue his behaviour, he's going to be grabbing money no matter what the bills are, and you are now not only going to end up emotionally a mess, your finances are going to get screwed too.

Doing up sep papers doesn't mean you HAVE to get divorced...but severing finances is a smart transaction business wise.

When my XH and I split, it was for good. But at first I just needed time to figure out what to do. So, I threw him out, which he was happy about because he could screw his tramp. He went and stayed at his brothers, who lives an hour north of us. His job is 40 min south of us. He moved up there, and continued to use my gas card to gas up the car. Cost a fortune! Never mind whatever money he was spending! So, I told him to come back, into the spare bedroom while we sorted out the finances. I immediately started splitting expenses up, so he would have to look after his own crap, and not be able to put me into a hole. In house sep was hell, but I worked on the money. End of July/beginning of August, I had enough of him ignoring the kids and I, sitting in his room skyping with the trash, so I told him he couldn't even bring that whore into my house on the computer. He moved out by mid August, by Sept 2 the sep agreement was done, and I had the house in my name only.

I would have loved, at one point, if he could have gotten his head out of unicorn fart land and become my husband again. But if I had waited, I would have lost the house and everything else. Remember, as long as you are still married and don't cut the finances, it's all marital debt. He can run stuff up, and although you may be able to get some of it back if you can prove he spent it in the whore, most of it will be considered Mdebt.

So unless with the trial, you control all the money, and he's staying somewhere that won't cost you a fortune, I say be very careful you don't compound the problem.

sparkysable posted 8/11/2013 07:48 AM

^ what devastatedmom said!

Fooled Me Twice posted 8/11/2013 08:08 AM

What all of the above said - protect yourself now. He's already told you he can't be trusted. Don't let him ruin you further now. Protect yourself - especially if you have little ones.

((Hugs)))

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