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When the ws just doesn't get it. a vent!

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DragnHeart posted 8/10/2013 08:06 AM

Wh is driving me crazy!

I always ask if anything new has happened at work. he always had a habit of telling mil (who works at the same place) stuff but wouldn't tell me.

Lately he's told me stories of stuff that has happened that really makes me mad!

These are just two examples:

1. He's out on break outside with two other guys. A "hot chick" in a mini skirt is in sight. Apparently she's upset. All three guys stare, gawk, etc. They are all walking inside, wh first in line when hot chick bends over revealing that she's not wearing anything under her mini skirt.


Anyways, wh stops short, second guy runs into him, third guy runs into second as all are paying attention to the show and not where they are walking...

2. Last night he told me about one female employee, not on shift, came for a visit...she says hi, wh turns around to see she's not wearing much. He comments in a joking manner "I think your shirt has shrunk since its not covering much".

He then tells me that from a ways away an older woman says "that's what I told the little skank when we got in the car". It was the girls mother...He goes on about talking to her but I don't recall specific quotes. In any case to me he was flirting.

Wh doesn't hide the fact he's checking out a girl. Many times he makes a comment to me...he used to try and hide it, mainly after DDay but I could always see his eye line even if he didn't turn his head.

#1. Isn't about him looking. Idon't have a problem with him looking at other woman. I DO have a problem with him telling me shit like this with such enthusiasm it's like a child telling a story about cleaning out the candy store!!!

I see #2 as a prelude to another A.
A. He continues to "flirt"
B. flirting is a violation of boundaries
C. Without boundaries the line separating being friendly vs being to friendly is easily crossed.

I try not to let my self esteem take a hit when he tells me things like this but its hard. I'm 4'9" and 160lbs and older than him. So when he goes on about skinny younger woman it's something that creeps into my head "is that what he really wants?".

All of the online ads he responded to (or those who responded to his ads) involved the same sort of woman, young, skinny, "hot".

Ow#1 (ea was all i could prove and all he would admit to) was younger but not exactly skinny.

Ow#2 (pa) was older. Again not exactly thin. Actually pig faced...

Any time he's told me stories that sound like flirting I say so and he always responds with:
"it's my personality"
"I'm just being friendly"
"It's not flirting".

We obviously see things very differently because simply offering the guy next door working on the apartment in the heat a drink was totally crossing the line for me!

I have told him that i dont want to hear about stories like the above. I want to know how his JOB is. It's like talking to a five year old, in a different language while he's wearing ear plugs!!!

I have tried to ignore. Even getting up and leaving the room.

Perhaps I need to turn the tables around and start dishing out the same to him.

"I went for a walk with the kids and this guy passed us. He was soooooo hot. Muscles bulging so big it was stretching his shirt. He smiled at me as he walked by".

(note: I don't actually find big muscles to be attractive...)

hardtimesinlife posted 8/10/2013 12:58 PM

It sounds like he is playing mind games with you. I also would question the truth to these stories. It sounds like he takes creative advantage when he tells the story. I mean, really? How often does a mini skirted underwear less woman bend over and give a peep show to 3 horny men coming in from break?

Is he SA? I ask because it sounds like he has a fascination with sexual scenarios. Almost like he's writing a soft porn movie script.

When I read this I see you trying to be a mature wife to a man who's stuck in puberty. I have been there, so I know how it feels.

[This message edited by hardtimesinlife at 12:59 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

DragnHeart posted 8/10/2013 13:05 PM

SA. Not sure.

When I was speaking with other people at his work I got similar stories of things happening. Of course one was a guy so...who knows.

Wh did remark that the three of them questioned whether this was a "working girl". Ugh!

I do feel I am married to a child sometimes.

I just want him to stop with these sorts of stories. I don't care. I can't control what he does. I can only control myself...

gonnabe2016 posted 8/10/2013 13:16 PM

So you don't mind that he is putting himself into these situations and that, as HTIL put it, he basically has the mindset of a horny teenager....just so long as you don't have to hear about?

Dallas2 posted 8/10/2013 13:17 PM

Maybe you should tell him you want to know about work, not about some skank.

I agree he is playing mind games with you. Remember A's are not about the BS. They are all about the WS. I have yest to figure out why WS's have A's. I read about some BS's who are absolutely beautiful. Many BS are well educated,itelligent people. None of this matters to a selfish WS. Again it is just about them.

I think I would have to walk out on his ass if he told me stories like that. What happens when you leave the room? Does he follow you to continue the story? It is human to look but to tell you such things. He sounds pretty heartless to me. Don't stoop to his level. Is his behavior a deal breaker?
Areyou in IC or MC? If not if possible you should go. I fell all the crap a WS puts on us is just so hard to deal with alone. Of course SI is here 24/7 and is a great help.

DragnHeart posted 8/10/2013 13:26 PM

So you don't mind that he is putting himself into these situations and that, as HTIL put it, he basically has the mindset of a horny teenager....just so long as you don't have to hear about?

Of course I mind. I hate it! But I can't do anything to control him.

If I say something to him I get excuses like I posted or crickets...

If I leave the room he doesn't follow. But he'll start up again of I come back. That's when I say something and the excuses start or he changes the subject.

No IC or mc. Was in mc. He stopped that.

I can insist on it and he avoids.
I can talk til I am blue and it's no good.

With so many other things happening the A issues have been placed on the back burner just where he likes it.

I want to deal with the issues.

He wants to forget...

DragnHeart posted 8/10/2013 13:48 PM

I know he'll act this way with the guys at work. I was told so by other people. He wants to look and make a point of talking about it to the other guys fine. I just don't want to hear about it.

He does flirt. He doesn't see it as flirting or he does and doesn't care that it bothers me. Either way it's a problem.

Deal breakers?
- Sex or other physical contact.
- Secret emails, apps, other communications with woman that are hidden from me.
- Any contact with ow2. Instant file for divorse...

Acting like a borny teenager, no not really.

Not doing something as simple as feeding/watering the birds that I asked he do while I go out and deal with financial shit HE should have close... It might actually be stuff like that that ends our marriage.

Nature_Girl posted 8/10/2013 13:54 PM

Warning: Blunt talk ahead!

I think you're mistaken. He gets it. He totally gets it. He just doesn't give a shit about you and he has no intention of evolving out of his knuckle-dragging misogynistic pig existence.

You need to stop waiting for him to get it. He gets it. I think at this point it is you who aren't getting it. As in, you're not getting that he's not going to reform himself and be a decent human being.

DragnHeart posted 8/10/2013 14:10 PM

Nature_Girl. You are right!

Ever since that first email I happened upon by accident. A simple message from wh to ow1.

"use this other email that my wife doesn't know about. That way we can have some fun".

I have been in a fog.

Everything since then has been like I'm watching from a distance. Nothing seems real.

boontje posted 8/10/2013 14:16 PM

So you get it that he doesn't get it. My long are you willing to put up with his adolescent behavior in hopes that he MAY end up getting it?

DragnHeart posted 8/10/2013 14:34 PM

So you get it that he doesn't get it. My long are you willing to put up with his adolescent behavior in hopes that he MAY end up getting it?

I have been giving him the benefit of doubt due to all the other crap going on. The whole IL's kicking us out and treating us (him) like we don't exist has been very hard on him. He feels it's his fault. He feels his family abandoned him and is filled with anger and hate. (lord help them if he ever unleashes all that anger on them...).

Both of us have swept the A's under the rug in place of other issues. Not healthy. Our communication sucks! Without an MC we don't communicate at all really.

How long will I put up with the behaviour?

Well, crap! I don't know. I thought it was normal for guys to act that way.

It's telling me that sucks. Of course he points out woman (OMG I can't believe I am going to admit this publicly..... ) because I find certain woman attractive too. Him knowing that probably creates some
Vision of a threesome in his head.

This is NOT something that is attractive or desired by me.

It's not a sexual attraction.

For example a girl I knew in high school I adored. Not for sexual reasons but because she would put her headphones on at lunch and sing to the music as loud as she could and she didn't care who heard her. She didn't care if people liked it or not, what their opinions were etc. She just loved to sing. I loved that. Doesn't mean I wanted to jump into bed with her...

I want us to get counseling. Both IC and mc. I need to push that issue and make him understand that not only is it needed but it's going to be a deal breaker for me. I have to be firm and resolute and stick to my guns if this is going to happen.

Ashland13 posted 8/10/2013 21:09 PM

Nearly ExH did some of these things and I finally did some asking about it, to people who are both men and women.

One thing he did was stare openly at other women, to the point of me feeling like I was out by myself and it messed up my self esteem.

When I tried to speak of it or he asked why I was upset, he would get very defensive. I understand now that this behavior of not being remorseful should have been a clue, but I was quite nave. And people sway on opinions as to whether that's a red flag or not. But the general consensus was the disrespect.

During very short false R, I saw him work hard to not do it, but then as R fell apart and OW sunk the claws back in, the behavior began again.

I think that it's a choice people make, unfortunately. This began years ago and though he didn't flirt openly, he paid serious attention to other women, like getting into deep discussions during short visits that weren't necessary and ignoring myself and others and I never noticed it until lately.

The day he called a friend of mine "attractive" hurt and maybe I was oversensitive, but IC said it was "a dig".

So I wonder if your WH is doing something like that and even maybe seeing how far he can push you?

At workplaces, I've seen everything when it comes to what people where and how people speak there and I've been surprised at the lack of boundaries.

It does sound like mind games and again, seeing what he can get away with. It sounds like fantasies for him and he maybe wants to get a reaction from you...either way, it's disrespectful and it sounds like you have decisions to think about.

And you can control how you react to the "stories", as you say, controlling yourself. Maybe you don't have to hear about his job at all, for a while?

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