SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

krazy8516 posted 8/10/2013 08:49 AM

...to start posting here?

Honestly, I didn't think I'd be posting in this forum anytime soon (at least not for myself!). Here's a recap of the last few days:

1) Affair was outed to OW's BF (he denies any wrongdoing on his GF's part - WTF?)

2) NC has been established. In theory.

3) Transparency, granted (trust but verify).

4) Remorse? We haven't really talked about the affair, but he did apologize for being angry over me "tattling" on him and says he understands why I did what I did. He has apologized countless times for hurting me so badly and insists he never wants to see me in that much pain again.

5) We had a "date" last night. Couldn't get a babysitter on short notice, but it was a date nonetheless. Dinner, drinks, football game. I don't think we've ever watched football together (aside from the Superbowl) since we've been together. It's not really my thing. But I think we've both realized that spending time together is important (it was always important, but it is now a necessary component for healing).

6) Without any prompting from me, he decided not to go into the office today. He'd been going in every weekend because we need the extra money, and I was having a hard time asking him not to since we could really use the cash. I don't want to be attached to his hip so I can watch his every move, but it's going to be a long time before I trust him when we're not together. When he got out of bed this morning, he left his phone by the bedside. Does this mean he didn't come out, hop on his computer and send an e-mail to the OW? No, but seeing the phone unglued from his side has been a huge step.

All that being said, I am entering into this R process slowly and carefully. I am constantly haunted by thoughts of TT and multiple d-days. Lies and more OW. I would hate to move forward, only to discover false R and more bullshit. I feel like that would be much worse than getting it all at once.

I guess only time will tell, but I hope that I can continue to post my progress in this forum.

MrsDoubtfire posted 8/10/2013 09:59 AM

welcome to R Krazy- as long as he is open and honest and transparent and answering all your questions there is no need to worry and it isn't too early to start posting in here.

This is a great place to get support during the turbulent times ahead of you. There is no reason why you cannot end up with a far superior relationship with your WS than you have ever had too.

I am a few years out the other side and am far ahppier than ever before with FWH.

Stay strong and remember that he needs to woo you back. You don't need to worry about walking on egg shells etc as it was his own issues that caused him to stray not anything you did or didn't do.

The good times will soon outshine the bad days on this journey- you bothh just need to keep talking and working together.

Good to see another M that is being worked on.

doesitgetbetter posted 8/10/2013 10:16 AM

As long as he's still taking 20 minute bathroom breaks 72 times a day to text his girlfriend, then you aren't in R. You are squarely married to an active cheater. Doesn't mean you can't post here, but it does definitely mean that your WH is nowhere near working on R... he's just trying to get better at juggling 2 women.

krazy8516 posted 8/10/2013 11:09 AM

No more 20 minute bathroom breaks 72x a day... I didn't even have to ask, but he no longer brings his phone to the restroom.

I just hope it's not a temporary change just to appease me. Time will tell, but so far he's doing alright.

confused615 posted 8/10/2013 11:12 AM

Have you looked for a hidden cell phone yet?

It's not too soon to be posting here yet..but it is too soon for you to trust him. That needs to be earned. Is he answering ALL fo your questions? Is he going to IC? MC? Did he get tested? What work is he doing on himself?

It's nice if he is saying all the right things...but what is he actually doing?

ETA: I read your posts again..you haven't actually started to talk about his affair? Then you have no idea as to how he will respond once that happens...many WS say they will do "anything"..but when it comes down to actually dealing with the affair..talking about it,dealing with the roller coaster of emotions,doing the hard work on themselves..suddenly "anything" becomes "very little."

Be very careful,krazy. Very careful. Have you decided to tell him about SI?

[This message edited by confused615 at 11:15 AM, August 10th (Saturday)]

OldCow18 posted 8/10/2013 11:20 AM

idk, Krazy. I've been posted here because I thought we were in R, but just recently found he is still lying to me. Hurts like hell. I mean, how cruel can a person be?

Fingers crossed it's different for you.

krazy8516 posted 8/10/2013 11:49 AM

Believe me, I don't trust him at all. He has agreed that we will have a discussion this weekend about what needs to happen from here.

I'm not so much concerned about an extra phone as I am about secret e-mail accounts or the like, but I am keeping a watchful eye/ poking my nose into every crevice.

I can tell he is still in the phase of "I really just want to put this behind us." The real test will be is he willing to sit down and have an honest, open discussion with me without getting angry. I'll be sure to let you know.

I am on the fence about MC/IC, because I personally don't want it. I will ask him if he'd like to go, but it's hard for me to push it when I don't really believe in it. I have participated in both IC and MC in the past, and don't feel as though I got anything out of either. Perhaps I'm just stubborn and closed-minded....

I have not told him about SI, specifically. The day I confronted him (4 days after I actually found out), I told him I was involved with an online support group, trying to cope with what he'd done. He hasn't asked about it since, although I'm sure he's curious.

krazy8516 posted 8/11/2013 13:42 PM

Well, I guess if I had just waited a day or 2, I could have answered my own question.

Yes. Yes, it is too soon to be posting in this forum. Tried to have a discussion with my H this morning - it did not go well. I gave him my list of the things I wanted/ needed to be able to start working this out. He got angry and said "I've given you all of this, and it hasn't gotten any better yet!" Yet? In a day? I reminded him this is a walk, not a run. Things aren't going to get better in a day, and if he can't have patience with me while I'm learning to trust him again, this isn't going to work. There was a brief intermission in the conversation when he locked himself in our bedroom for about 10 minutes. *rolls eyes*

I really don't think he is talking to the OW anymore, so why is he still being like this? Is it the fog? I'm actually starting to wonder if he isn't bi-polar or something, the way he keeps changing his mind ("I love you, and I want to work this out!" ... "Nothing's ever going to be good enough is it?!").

Guess I need to go back to posting in General until I see some real action from him. *sigh*

karmahappens posted 8/11/2013 19:48 PM

Hey Krazy.

I will give you my perspective…take what you want from it.

You are too new from dday to even be thinking about R, really. I am not sure about your actual dday, end of July, maybe?

So right now it's still shock, trauma and survival mode.

I knew in my heart I wanted to save my family, but I had to hold on before going there.

I had to fix myself, or at least start to. My husband had his head up his ass, he said the right things and I don't doubt he didn't mean them too…but he wasn't even close to having the ability to commit to R.

So I started to care for me. I worried about me. I went to IC (don't knock it, it is an amazing resource when you are willing to learn and grow). I dug into my issues, I dealt with things I had bottled up inside me from when I was a child, tragedy's I have gone through in my life. You know…the baggage we all (most) have.

I cleaned it up and got my head on straight and let him be a flounder. I faked it quite a bit. I didn't beg him to love me, I was indifferent towards him. I let him believe I was moving on and finding my way. It bothered him a lot. He cried constantly but couldn't get out of his own way to take the next step and start doing the work.

I let him believe I would be filing for divorce, that I loved him but I deserved someone who would treat me right and love me the way I should be loved.

He agreed, didn't fight me. Told me he wished it was him that was right for me….blah blah blah…

And I continued to take care of myself for the next 5 months. We went through the holidays Thanksgiving I was a blubbering mess…Christmas he spent crying like a baby.

I didn't sooth him or make him feel like everything would be ok, but I let him know that I would be ok. R or D he got the message from me that I would be alright.Little by little I started to believe it too. I still kept my hope , the hope that the man I once knew was somewhere inside. The hope that my family would survive, but I kept my hope tucked safely in my bitch boots because I knew deep down I had to take care of me first.

He did finally come to me and said he wanted to fix things, he wanted us and our family.

I wasn't lucky enough to find SI after dday, but I knew better than to trust him. I watched and waited. I snooped, checked up on him…and since that day there has been nothing. He has been transparent with everything, and still is to this day. He was always kind and loving when I triggered or had meltdowns. He took and answered every question I gave him. He still takes 100% responsibility for his actions and has been committed since I gave him the opportunity to R.

Don't worry that you will miss your moment to R by taking this time for you. If your H loves you and comes back to the marriage he will wait for you to heal, he will want you to heal. He will feel so lousy for what he has done that he will spend the rest of his life finding ways to improve your marriage and himself.

Give yourself time to find your way….when you get to a crossroad and wonder R or S/D you will find the choice much easier to make because it will be coming from a healthy place, not a clouded mind.

Love yourself enough to take the time for you.

(((hugs)))

krazy8516 posted 8/11/2013 20:23 PM

Wow. Thanks, Karma. Your reply actually helps quite a bit. I think it's the first time someone has given me direction without telling me what to do outright. I appreciate your story. And I cried while I read it, because I know that's exactly what I need to do. It's just hard taking the first step.

D-day was 7/28... I think we both want to try to put this whole thing behind us, but for different reasons. I have been known to be stubborn and impatient, so it doesn't surprise me to learn that I jumped the gun. It's just that I was starting to get more sleep, and have my appetite back... I thought, surely I can have my life back as well?

P.S. You're from my home state

[This message edited by krazy8516 at 8:24 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

karmahappens posted 8/11/2013 20:34 PM

You know what Krazy...it is so tempting to put it sll behind us. It is! Shit I bet we could get a good 4-5 years of putting on a happy face if we just could sweep things under the rug.

But you know where that will get you? Probably a lifetime pass to SI.

Take care of the demons now. I cannot tell you how much different life looks like now, how much softer I am how much happier, content we are.

It isn't because we survivied the infidelity, it's because we got healthy.

Make your new mantra

"I am worth it"

Because you really are....

ETA:

I was the cheater in a past relationship; now I'm being cheated on. Karmic justice perhaps??

You know this ^^^ is b/s right? Nobody deserves this.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 8:36 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]