Hey Krazy.
I will give you my perspective…take what you want from it.
You are too new from dday to even be thinking about R, really. I am not sure about your actual dday, end of July, maybe?
So right now it's still shock, trauma and survival mode.
I knew in my heart I wanted to save my family, but I had to hold on before going there.
I had to fix myself, or at least start to. My husband had his head up his ass, he said the right things and I don't doubt he didn't mean them too…but he wasn't even close to having the ability to commit to R.
So I started to care for me. I worried about me. I went to IC (don't knock it, it is an amazing resource when you are willing to learn and grow). I dug into my issues, I dealt with things I had bottled up inside me from when I was a child, tragedy's I have gone through in my life. You know…the baggage we all (most) have.
I cleaned it up and got my head on straight and let him be a flounder. I faked it quite a bit. I didn't beg him to love me, I was indifferent towards him. I let him believe I was moving on and finding my way. It bothered him a lot. He cried constantly but couldn't get out of his own way to take the next step and start doing the work.
I let him believe I would be filing for divorce, that I loved him but I deserved someone who would treat me right and love me the way I should be loved.
He agreed, didn't fight me. Told me he wished it was him that was right for me….blah blah blah…
And I continued to take care of myself for the next 5 months. We went through the holidays Thanksgiving I was a blubbering mess…Christmas he spent crying like a baby.
I didn't sooth him or make him feel like everything would be ok, but I let him know that I would be ok. R or D he got the message from me that I would be alright.Little by little I started to believe it too. I still kept my hope , the hope that the man I once knew was somewhere inside. The hope that my family would survive, but I kept my hope tucked safely in my bitch boots because I knew deep down I had to take care of me first.
He did finally come to me and said he wanted to fix things, he wanted us and our family.
I wasn't lucky enough to find SI after dday, but I knew better than to trust him. I watched and waited. I snooped, checked up on him…and since that day there has been nothing. He has been transparent with everything, and still is to this day. He was always kind and loving when I triggered or had meltdowns. He took and answered every question I gave him. He still takes 100% responsibility for his actions and has been committed since I gave him the opportunity to R.
Don't worry that you will miss your moment to R by taking this time for you. If your H loves you and comes back to the marriage he will wait for you to heal, he will want you to heal. He will feel so lousy for what he has done that he will spend the rest of his life finding ways to improve your marriage and himself.
Give yourself time to find your way….when you get to a crossroad and wonder R or S/D you will find the choice much easier to make because it will be coming from a healthy place, not a clouded mind.
Love yourself enough to take the time for you.
(((hugs)))