BS (Me): 37
I am stuck and in limbo hell. We have been doing better. Can talk about "anything". Have a lot of fun together, he is kind and loving and very affectionate. Everything I've always wanted him to be preA.
We just cant seem to "talk" about the A in a constructive way. He yells and gets very angry and wants me to rugsweep it all. I CANT DO IT!!! I have tried. Tried really hard to push it away. But the questions and doubts and the reality of it all has been overwhelming. I have no one to talk to.
Im feeling very alone and like my feelings matter to no one. His A has ripped me to shreds and changed who I am and how I view life forever. I have no way to express this to him without him becoming defensive and getting angry with me. The last time I tried to talk about what Im feeling and the questions I have he got very angry because "He already answered those questions" He wants the whole thing to just go away and not live in the past.
I have tried, tried so very hard to put it out of my mind...I CANT! I know the responses I get will be that he is "rugsweeping" and I need to 180. I've been on this site for over a year now. Ive read 2 books and Wh has read 1.
My last dday (#4) was in Feb, and we have talked...maybe...4 times since then. The last 2 times left me feeling worse. I still have questions, I still have doubts that I have the full truth. Everyday I play out conversations in my head that I would love to have with him. But in the past when I tried to start these conversations with him it goes all wrong. He doesn't show any kind of remorse or empathy. Its all too much for him and he wants to leave.
I really love him, but I am petrified that maybe in a month or two or six, I will find out that our relationship is all lies again and he was in contact with the OW the whole time violating me and my trust all over again. Im REALLY scared. This is the worst pain I have felt, EVER!
Ive been doing an involuntary 180 for the past few weeks. I hadn't even thought about it, it just came naturally. He noticed I guess. And yesterday told me that he was "here for me if I needed to talk" I cringed on the inside when he said it. Doesn't he understand that ALL the times I have tried to "talk" he has pushed me away and scared me into shutting him out! It feels like our "old" marriage all over again.
For years I begged him to help me with depression medication that the doctors prescribed, and he was never there to help me, instead he felt alone and found OW and focused all of his affection and attention on her.
I need him right NOW to help me through what he dumped on me 3 years ago and killed me over and over again with TT and lies and more ddays. And he has reverted back to pre dday coping skills to "rugsweep". Im at a complete loss as to what to do now. I love him, have for 22 years. But I feel very alone and crying on a daily basis again.
I never wanted OW in our lives, and I hate talking about her probably more than he does. But I need to pick apart everything they shared so I don't feel like an outsider in my own marriage.
On the rare occasion he has decided to share something with me I always get "I don't remember". I don't get detail. I don't get in depth feelings. I don't even know that much about this OW, only things I have found out on my own. Who is this woman that took my H love and attention away from me?
I don't even know why Im posting this...I just need to vent and for someone to tell me I'm not going crazy and what Im feeling is NORMAL.
My H makes me feel like Im holding onto all of this on purpose. I hate it all and I feel like Im going to turn into an old lady that no one will ever want to be around because shes been beat down in life and is just miserable waiting to just die.
Dday: March 2011 (found out EA Phone records)
2nd Dday: June 18, 2011 (OW told me about WH secret phone)
3rd Dday: December 13, 2012 (found evidence WH stalking Ow on FB)
4th Dday: February 4, 2013 (confession of 2nd secret