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Anyone have a big enough rug for me?

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StixNstones posted 8/10/2013 08:50 AM

I am stuck and in limbo hell. We have been doing better. Can talk about "anything". Have a lot of fun together, he is kind and loving and very affectionate. Everything I've always wanted him to be preA.

We just cant seem to "talk" about the A in a constructive way. He yells and gets very angry and wants me to rugsweep it all. I CANT DO IT!!! I have tried. Tried really hard to push it away. But the questions and doubts and the reality of it all has been overwhelming. I have no one to talk to.

Im feeling very alone and like my feelings matter to no one. His A has ripped me to shreds and changed who I am and how I view life forever. I have no way to express this to him without him becoming defensive and getting angry with me. The last time I tried to talk about what Im feeling and the questions I have he got very angry because "He already answered those questions" He wants the whole thing to just go away and not live in the past.

I have tried, tried so very hard to put it out of my mind...I CANT! I know the responses I get will be that he is "rugsweeping" and I need to 180. I've been on this site for over a year now. Ive read 2 books and Wh has read 1.

My last dday (#4) was in Feb, and we have talked...maybe...4 times since then. The last 2 times left me feeling worse. I still have questions, I still have doubts that I have the full truth. Everyday I play out conversations in my head that I would love to have with him. But in the past when I tried to start these conversations with him it goes all wrong. He doesn't show any kind of remorse or empathy. Its all too much for him and he wants to leave.

I really love him, but I am petrified that maybe in a month or two or six, I will find out that our relationship is all lies again and he was in contact with the OW the whole time violating me and my trust all over again. Im REALLY scared. This is the worst pain I have felt, EVER!

Ive been doing an involuntary 180 for the past few weeks. I hadn't even thought about it, it just came naturally. He noticed I guess. And yesterday told me that he was "here for me if I needed to talk" I cringed on the inside when he said it. Doesn't he understand that ALL the times I have tried to "talk" he has pushed me away and scared me into shutting him out! It feels like our "old" marriage all over again.

For years I begged him to help me with depression medication that the doctors prescribed, and he was never there to help me, instead he felt alone and found OW and focused all of his affection and attention on her.

I need him right NOW to help me through what he dumped on me 3 years ago and killed me over and over again with TT and lies and more ddays. And he has reverted back to pre dday coping skills to "rugsweep". Im at a complete loss as to what to do now. I love him, have for 22 years. But I feel very alone and crying on a daily basis again.

I never wanted OW in our lives, and I hate talking about her probably more than he does. But I need to pick apart everything they shared so I don't feel like an outsider in my own marriage.
On the rare occasion he has decided to share something with me I always get "I don't remember". I don't get detail. I don't get in depth feelings. I don't even know that much about this OW, only things I have found out on my own. Who is this woman that took my H love and attention away from me?

I don't even know why Im posting this...I just need to vent and for someone to tell me I'm not going crazy and what Im feeling is NORMAL.

My H makes me feel like Im holding onto all of this on purpose. I hate it all and I feel like Im going to turn into an old lady that no one will ever want to be around because shes been beat down in life and is just miserable waiting to just die.

brokensmile322 posted 8/10/2013 09:14 AM


Gently, you already have found a big enough rug?

You are not in R with someone who does not want to discuss it and disect it.

I beginning to think I am not in R either and my WH discusses it, but that is a whole other story.

So take what I say with a grain of salt...

I totally get the whole thing where you guys get along, and it great and rainbows and unicorns. So are me and WH.

That doesn't matter though.

What really matters is what your WH is like when you are upset or triggering and how he acts when you discuss the A.

He won't even discuss it which is not a good sign.

You really need to take a step back. You need to figure out what things you need to really make this work. You need to write them out and realize, that what you need are often deal breakers.

If he doesn't give you what you need and you choose to stay, you are rugsweeping. That is no way to live.

I am sorry you are hurting. Please start thinking about yourself and stop pushing your thoughts and feelings aside.

confused615 posted 8/10/2013 09:17 AM

I think what you're feeling is normal..if you have a WH who insists on rugsweeping..and gets angry and bullies you into shutting up any time you attempt to discuss their cheating.

I could have written 99% of your post. Im 3 years out(dday antiversary is today),TT,more ddays...refuses to talk about it..tells me we can talk about "anything"..but any time I try to talk about what he did he gets angry...he also thinks Im holding on to punish him or whatever.

I told him 2.5 years ago,if he refused to talk about this,I would never move forward..and I was right.Im still stuck. Im in an enormous amount of pain..and he acts as if everything is ok. advice...I just wanted you to know you're not alone.

TxsT posted 8/10/2013 09:40 AM

Writing this while we are in Orlando trying to create one of those new memories in our new marriage....

Here is how we got beyond the stuck rut place. I got really tired of not being able to get him to open up about his feelings and his thoughts about why the A started. It was a sticky point for me too, even though my H has done absolutely everything right. I told him finally that not opening up to me was a deal breaker for me. That it showed me he wasn't able to get to the very bottom of why he did what he did. I told him it wasn't ok that we had finally dug deep enough to know why the A occurred and not discovered the core. The reasons are just that, an end to the means. I told him I felt that I was doing the lions share of the changing and hard work and he was getting off with a hand slap. I told him I was now thinking of leaving, that it wasn't worth it for me to have changed so much only to have him stuck at why.

The sentence.....I will get enough from our Divorce to go back to Africa and live comfortably for the rest of my life hit him like a ton of bricks and a semi truck all rolled into one! Now, I didn't just say that sentence. I followed it up with my new communication skill of telling him how his rug sweeping affects me. I told him it made me feel he didn't think his reasons for the A were that important. Yep that he wasn't putting a converted effort into changing his side of this horrible equation and that I wasn't willing to accept that any more. I wanted much more from him then that.

That's when he started to read the books I wanted him to.


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