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Newest Member: Sarah5479 (61853)

User Topic: triggering and not triggering
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aug 1 - we're at an event, a woman my W used to attend meetings with comes up and starts talking to my W. My W does not introduce me. Usually, I introduce myself, but we've discussed this, and W is supposed to name me and her friend, but W never introduces me. I get furious and trigger into feeling abandoned - like I felt during the A, which was ramping up big time in the first week of August, 2010. It takes me 2 days to calm down.

At first, we fight. I say I think she should be 'extra sensitive' now, because A season is upon us. 4 days later, in MC, W says she was upset by that, since she says she's always walking on eggshells. I thought a minute, laughed at myself, and apologized.

I tell her that I see she's 100% NC, 100% transparent, 100% honest, 100% committed to IC & MC & and our M. That's the max - there is no 'extra'.

We talk about not walking on eggshells. MC & I get it, not so sure about W.

August 7 - going out to dinner 25 minutes away from home. We eat, have a very nice time, head home. A mile down the road, I realize I've taken the route that goes by the mall where much of the A was centered. I mention it to W. She says she's been triggered into shame, fear, guilt, grief, etc., ever since she realized the road I was taking. 'Oh, well,' I said. 'Better you than me.' When I learned of the mall's connection to the A, I had vowed to avoid the intersection forever. Now I realize I've been using it for months, whenever it's been convenient, with rarely a thought of the A.

August 9 - waking up, deep into fooling around together...the thought comes to me: 'August 9 - oh, yeah, the PA started this date still important?'

W says the date is not important to her - she thinks about her A all day, everyday. That's good enough for me.

I'm not declaring I'm recovered yet - that trigger just a week ago hurt too much. But I'm close....

Thanks for reading. Thanks for all your support (MH, DS, mods, guides, fellow members).

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17096 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 39858
Member # 39858
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing your's reassuring to read of a couple who communicate openly and compassionately with one another.

I hope we make it to the same place one day. Everything feels so raw for me right now.

BW - 42 (Me)
WH - 39 (2 ONS, 6m EA)
Married 15 years, 3 children
DD: 7/13/13
Status: Rugsweeping, I guess.

Posts: 253 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Somewhere Out There
♀ 37683
Member # 37683
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Really appreciate the details of your communication, what happens in your brain, what happens between the two of you, etc. It's so hard to know what this new normal is supposed to look like. I know that no one is perfect, but its helpful to know triggers still come and go, dates come and go, and that it is possible to be a survivor.

Married 10+ years to my high school sweetheart
DDAY 10/27/12
Me 55
WH 55
Blended Family: 25, 21, and 20
Married 10 years
"The Universe Unfolds as it Should"

Posts: 301 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Missouri
♀ 35758
Member # 35758
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for sharing Sisoon.

I really appreciate how introspective you are and how sometimes, your reflection of what happens in your arguments leads to you apologizing.

It reminds me that BS are sometimes wrong too.

I love how you have been driving that intersection for awhile and didn't realize. That's progress for sure!!

Me BS 42 Him WS 44
OW Coworker DDay April 7, 2012
EA on a slippery slope...

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl

"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."

Posts: 2038 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You give hope.

Pleased for you that life is becoming kinder and more peaceful.

"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh deleted
I attempted R, he was a lie

Posts: 3337 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
♂ 30369
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, August 10th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome post, sisoon. You continue to inspire me every day. Thanks for sharing this.

Posts: 30662 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 6

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