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dargirl posted 8/10/2013 11:02 AM

my husband spent hundreds of dollars on ashely madison going on 4 dates- he says he never had sex, just took them for dinner- he also had an online affair with what turned out to be a scammer, all of this happened in july 2013.. he spent almost 4000 over the month.. I feel sick, depressed, do not want to do anything.. we fight all the time.. I am obsessed with all the details.. has anyone else had an experience with ashley madison.. it is a very immoral site.. how could he spend so much money on there...

Schilling posted 8/10/2013 11:59 AM

I haven't had an experience with that specific website (that I know of...) but it makes me cringe every time I hear of that website.

My partner did some soliciting on criagslist and spent A LOT of money on weekend trips with random women and some Long Term Affairs. He also frequented some Swinger Websites and One Night Stand apps on his phone.

Have you gone to any sort of therapy?

[This message edited by Schilling at 12:10 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

Jrazz posted 8/10/2013 11:59 AM

I'm so sorry, dargirl. You're not alone, there are a lot of people here who have been through a very similar situation.

I wouldn't believe the "no sex" thing at this point and I would protect yourself. You both need to get tested for STD's, and until you've had more time to suss out exactly how much of the story he's giving you I would be very careful. AM isn't usually where people go to bake cupcakes and discuss literature.

The weekends are a little slow but I'm sure members with direct experience will be along soon to share and help.

Sending hugs.


outtanowhere posted 8/10/2013 12:27 PM

I'm sorry dargirl. It's really hard to wrap your head around something that was so out of your realm of possibility that could happen to you. Jrazz is right. AM is there for the specific purpose of hooking up for sex and having gone on 4 dates its highly unlikely there was no sex. The amount of money spent speaks for itself. Check your banks records, phone records, credit card statements. That may give you a good start for finding information.

My H used Craigslist & Backpage. Vile & evil sites of any definition. We are almost 6 months out from discovery & now I know this kind of activity started way before the convenience the Internet provides.

Please see your Dr. ASAP for a full panel STD screening. He needs to do the same and dont have sex with him until you see his results on paper! He will tell you anything to cover his ass right now. I say this gently...please prepare yourself for more. It's highly unlikely that this just started a month ago.

Call first thing Monday am to start finding a counselor who specializes in infidelity. It is invaluable to helping you reclaim your life. Don't believe anything he says right now. He is in damage control mode & will say whatever he thinks you want to hear. Always remember that cheaters lie! Always!

How long have you been together? Any children? Your priority right now is you. Don't try to comfort him or "be there" for him. He will try to turn the tables to suggest its partially your fault. It isn't! You may not have been perfect but you had nothing to do with this, protect yourself.

Eat when you can but, work on drinking plenty of fluids to stay hydrated. Your body is under tremendous stress right now and needs nourishment so you can think as clearly as possible.

I hate anyone has to know this pain and I'm so sorry you have to be here but, you will never find more support than you can get here. The people here know your pain and have so much insight and good advice so please kept posting. Feel free to pm me if I can help you in any way!


nestlee posted 8/10/2013 14:53 PM

I'm sorry but your husband is be very untruthful. My H was on Ashley Madison and lonely house wives. It's all about hooking up..cause their modo's to short have an affair. When I caught my H on these sites. I confronted him..showed him the Emails..he lied ..lied..and denied. And sorry to say....I still haven't heard the truth. Put your foot down..tell him U want the truth..or he can get out. Good luck.

Phoenix9572 posted 8/10/2013 17:13 PM

Another victim of AM here too. My hubby was on 3 different sites. He drove an hour away one day to hook up during his work day. He has clients in this town so at first it wasnt weird but then other details didn't add up. Mine claims that the girl stood him up and that she sent him a time stamped video of her masterbating at the time they were supposed to be together. I'm learning more and more that there is something not quite right in his head/way of thinking. We have our problems but this compulsion is not because of me - it's something inside of him.
Sorry that you are dealing with all this hurt and confusion. I thought these sites were behind us but I caught him again just a week ago. We are both in IC and MC so hopefully we can work through this but it is a different animal than a LT AP. At least that's the way it feels on my side.

Nature_Girl posted 8/10/2013 18:21 PM

I believe my STBX was on AM, as the computer forensics guy I hired told me he found memberships for local dating websites for married people.

You need to take off your rose-colored glasses, Hon. People do not sign up for AM and go out on AM dates only to have a fine dining experience. There is only one reason for AM, and that is to screw people with no strings attached. If your husband went on dates, he was also having some form of sexual contact. I'm so sorry. You need to understand that cheaters lie. They lie in order to make the cheating possible, then they lie to keep you from finding out. They lie when caught so the full extent of their cheating isn't revealed. You are being gaslit.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 6:21 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

justabrokendream posted 8/10/2013 18:37 PM

What Nature_Girl said- he did not spend 4000.00 for dinners....

Nature_Girl posted 8/10/2013 20:09 PM

I just read your profile. I am so sorry. You need to get yourself tested immediately for all STD's. You need a full blood, urine and PAP testing to screen for everything, including Hep C. Furthermore, you need to repeat some of the tests in several months. If you two engage in hysterical bonding you need to make sure he's wearing a condom. Your health is at risk. I'm so sorry.

tryingagain74 posted 8/10/2013 22:11 PM

I will tell you my experience.

My XWH met his now "Owife" (what we call the OW who then becomes the wife) on AM. He told me all sorts of lies at first. He said that he "only" signed up for cybersex and that they "only" met in person a couple of times. He then said that they "only" kissed once, and then he pushed her away since he realized it was wrong.

Well, that was nothing but TT (trickle truth) because when I finally started grilling him, the story became this:

They met on AM, started meeting IRL to have unprotected sex on many occasions over the course of several months, and it only came to a temporary halt because I discovered it.

You need to get tested for STDs. I thought that my ex had just made a stupid mistake. Instead, I learned that he put my health in jeopardy and had spent at least several hundred dollars of our money (and that's only what I could trace-- there could have been much more in cash or on secret credit cards) on his A.

Take care of yourself. It was devastating for me to learn about my then-husband's involvement with AM. It is a truly disgusting site frequented by immoral, narcissistic people. My XWH's deliberate, premeditated choice to frequent AM was a huge factor in my leaving him. While no A is more or less painful than another, there's something very cold and calculating about a person who makes up his/her mind to have an A before even meeting an AP.


dargirl posted 8/12/2013 22:27 PM

thank you for all of your support- my husband is going to a councellor specializing in sex addiction and also started going to S.A.A I did go to a councellor who said he did not support victimization.. WHAT??? IF I am not a victim what am I?? I was the perfect wife.. I know some say that .. but I really worked hard to be it...
I start with new councellor this week - hope she can help me through this.. I hope I am not wearing rose coloured glasses.. I do beleive that he did not have sex with these women.. he swears he did not..
am I really being stupid?? he even told his councellor he did not have sex.. he told the councellor that he just wanted the attention in the end..
I want my marriage to work and get through this..
we do not have kids together..
he is 15yrs older than me, and has 4 grown kids, and 5 grandkids... I have two grown kids of my own.. I am 48yrs old..
have checked all the paper trails..
he did alot of talking online...
erotica site, AM , he bought girlie magazines,
am I being nieve???

Nature_Girl posted 8/12/2013 23:49 PM

If he didn't have sex or engage in sexual activity, he's the one person, the only person, who found dates via AM & CL and didn't get laid. There is only one reason to go on AM or CL. If you're looking DATE and need attention, then there are all kinds of dating sites like, eharmony, OKCupid, POF, and so forth. AM, CL, AFF and others exist for an entirely different reason - no strings sex.

NedsBones posted 8/13/2013 01:02 AM

My WH used AM among many other apps. I think I counted 27 of these types of apps when I searched his digital trail.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and I totally get the obsession over details. Just today I took his secret email addresses and apps off of my phone bc I was checking them obsessively. If I have to come to my computer to look I'm less likely to do it all day.
I don't know if it's recommended, probably not, but when I found out I took xanax for two days straight and went through as much of the information as I could find. I read all the messages, talked to many of his sex partners, and watched all the videos and pictures sent back and forth in a drug induced haze. Like I said, not very healthy, but I knew I needed to see it all.
Try to give yourself a break on the details for a few hours if you can't get through a whole day. The process of discovery is exhausting. You can revisit it later.
I'm sorry you're here, but keep posting. It helps.

dargirl posted 8/13/2013 07:26 AM

last night was not a good night- I told my husband that I was on this site and that others thought that IF you are on AM you are having sex- he freaked out.... he swears he did not have sex, he went on dates, spent $$ on dinner, I saw the $ on the credit card bills, he said he DID not have sex over and over again.. he then threatened to have his pay cheques sent to another account that I could not get in to...
he said he was working everyday to do good things taking it day by day but my questions on details is driving him crazy... I am a little obsessed I know.. I feel like IF I know all the details that he is then finally telling me all the truth..he went on 4 dates.. and had another scheduled but I came home and he missed that one.. he said that he probably would have had sex with the girl on the 5th date.. she was very much into going to hotel .. his councellor told him that why would you spend so much money and then not get sex.. he said he just wanted to pretend that he was the big guy.. he wanted attention.. he wanted to feel like a big wig.. the first date was with a girl who helped him setting up his am site, he is not very good with the computer..
he felt like he owed her a dinner.. she also asked for gas for car feel like she was taking advantage.. the second one was breakfast at ihop with this very young girl.. he felt like he could have been her grandfather.. he is 62... she was in her 20s.. he said it was the longest hour.. he felt sick being there.. the third one was at the ritz for dinner.. only last an hour.. then they parted.. he said she wanted him to call her but he never did.. the fourth date was a real estate person who after dinner needed to meet clients.. she dropped him at the metro.. he said he always felt badly when goig for dinner and did not even want to be there.. he felt sick.. he said.. he swears on the bible his moms grave and his kids that he DID not have sex with anyone.. he will not go to get tested for disease because he feels like it would be a waste.. not sure what to believe.. I want to obviously believe him...
I want so badly for our marriage to work.. been together 14yrs and married 11yrs..
he admits to having a sex addiction and is getting help re going to councelling and going to the sex AA- he is also going to church and reading the bible daily.. how can I move from this rut and move forward.. all of this happened exactly a month ago ...
I never knew there were so many women looking to date married men.. he has not had access to the computer re internet.. he works with government and not able to log onto anything at work..
he really says that he is working on moving forward and loves me.. sorry for the book....
need some advice and encouragement please help.. feeling very depressed and sad

painpaingoaway posted 8/13/2013 07:53 AM

Dargirl, I am so sorry for what you are going thru.

When I saw your post, I had to log in. I beg you not to believe a word of what he is saying. He is lying.

At this moment, YOU have the upper hand in this situation. You must be strong and INSIST on his being tested, and INSIST on complete truth. And sadly, the only way he is going to believe you mean business is for you to see a lawyer, kick him out and start the 180. Now, that said, none of what I have mentioned can not be undone if he should finally come clean, and you decide to R. But for now, you must take harsh and definitive action, and you can NOT back down until he has satisfied your requirements to for R.

For him to refuse to be tested for STD's is despicable. Even if what he has been telling you is the truth, and he has not had sex, then why not be tested if it would make you feel better? By refusing he is telling you he does not value your health or sanity. He is behaving like a pig. Treat him as such.

A lawyer needs to advise you on what your rights are in the event of D. You must protect yourself financially as well as physically. Men do not spent the amount of money he has spent, and not get something for it. In your profile you mentioned he had an A 5 yrs ago, why do you believe what he is saying now? Cheaters lie sweetie. And lie, and lie, and lie some more.

You MUST get angry, and take the reins in this situation.

If he values you and the marriage, he WILL comply with everything you are asking. If he does not, then you have your answer.

Get strong. Get mean. And do NOT believe his bullshit.

Oh, and by the way, you have the right to ask, and expect answers to every single question you have even if you ask them 1000 times a day. And if he is truly remorseful, he will answer.

Don't accept anything less.

Again, I am so sorry.

Strike now while the iron is hot. If you let the TTing go on now, and accept his bullshit you will NEVER get answers. It will only continue, and get more and more difficult.

Morhurt posted 8/13/2013 07:53 AM

I'm so sorry.
Have you asked him to show you his profile and emails? If he has nothing else to hide maybe that will help prove it.
I know the feeling of wanting so badly to believe... I was phoned by OWH to tell me about the A. When I talked to H he denied and I *almost* believed him. Seems crazy now.
Anyway, I hope you get to the bottom of it and find some peace.

Tred posted 8/13/2013 08:09 AM

My wife was on AM for 20 months. It isn't a dating site, unless you consider no strings attached sex dating. Of course, my wife was basically "dating" the one guy for 16 months. I second the suggestion that if he still has it, he give you full access to his AM account. Unfortunately, unless the save messages they only go back 30 days, but my wife had hundreds of conversations in her e-mail. They also can chat through the site. Most people set up a secret e-mail account to communicate with once they've met someone so that they don't have to log in to AM to communicate. My wife had a secret gmail account, secret account, and secret Yahoo messenger account that I wasn't aware of that she used to set up her dates. She also used our home phone, since we had unlimited calling we didn't have itemized billing (how convenient!). I would expect full transparency from him - it's likely he has secret accounts that you are aware of. My wife said she didn't have sex either when I caught her. That story evolved horrifically over time. The real truth was devastating. If he did have sex, then he is probably trying to minimize it. One thing you might want to do is get the contact information of the women he was hooking up with and tip off their husbands that their wives are putting their health, finances, and family in jeopardy. I wish someone would of told me.

painpaingoaway posted 8/13/2013 08:13 AM

Oh, and until you are solidly in R, do NOT give him info about this website. He will use it against you. And by all means do NOT give him your user name, or leave your account logged in when you are away from your computer.

There is something you can do to help get more info on whether or not it was sexual. PM me if you want more ideas.

dargirl posted 8/13/2013 10:33 AM

when I found out he signed on the to the AM site and we deactivated it, I also found more sites he had profiles and saw his yahoo account and deactivated it too, his computer at home has been out of commission I erased all the history too, he works for government and cannot go online there except for work, his emails are checked by security, the other sites were sex too..
very sad.. he is so bent on that he is telling me the truth.. he only wanted attention but admits that IF I did not come home he had a fifth date and would have probably had sex with her because she was hot and heavy about going to hotel... but he wanted to take her to dinner first..
he spend on average $200 per dinners each time.. except for the breakfast at ihop only $30...
I am so lost right now.. thank you all for your support... very mixed up and he is getting really angry that I keep on this... he wrote pages the other day of what he wanted in a marriage.. pages and pages.. of love notes.. I love this man...

Morhurt posted 8/13/2013 10:40 AM

It's no ok for him to get angry.

In my experience, anger was a defensive reaction when he was hiding info. Once he came clean and fully realized what he had done the anger left him like a sigh. So far it hasn't returned.

I think you need to put your foot down about the anger. It is his way of bullying you into not talking about the A's. Tell him if he raises his voice or acts angry he can march his sorry butt right out of the house.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. :(

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