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If your WS never left their AP

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Kierst13 posted 8/10/2013 14:24 PM

If they never left their AP after the first DDay, did you stay and if so, were you glad you did? My story is in my profile and I am struggling with the decision to R or D.

Did you leave or stay? Are you happy with your decision or do you wish you had made a different one?

My WS affair was emotional and sexual, and it lasted almost two years, I believe.

[This message edited by Kierst13 at 2:25 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

inconnu posted 8/10/2013 15:04 PM

I went through false R, becoming increasingly suspicious that wh was still in contact with OW. When I was finally at the point where I accepted that he was probably still cheating on me, I looked for the secret cell phone and found it in about 5 minutes.

I knew I was done trying to save the marriage at that point. I would have tried to reconcile, if wh had made tremendous efforts at that point.

But he didn't. Instead, he walked out on me and the kids about 1 1/2 months later. I filed for divorce soon after. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I knew it was what I had to do. I was not willing to be less of a priority in my marriage than my husband's girlfriend. I was no longer going to keep now-ex as my priority when he clearly thought of me as a disposable option.

Going through a divorce sucks. But staying married to a lying, cheating bastard sucks even more. And now I'm free, and ex is not my problem any more.

[This message edited by inconnu at 3:05 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

sullymeishadomi posted 8/10/2013 17:03 PM

I have had so many ddays...the last one Feb 8 2013.

In the beginning I was 4 months pregnant with my now almost 6 yr old. My dd was just over a yr old.

I fought for my marriage. He took that as a sign to actively hurt me. He was cruel. But I hung on

Over about 3 yrs into it, I was too afraid to leave. I didnt think I could raise my kids alone. I was afraid they would grow up like I grew up.

Feb 8 was a sort of turning point for me. I stood up for my self. I had my say. What happened that morning washed away a lot of fear

But I wasnt yet ready to leave.

Wh tried to prove he was a faithful family man but his m.o. is to be mr wonderful then he slips into his cheating, abusive role.

He is back to that tho I havent yet found the tangable proof of cheating. Just the stank.

Im busy with work and too tired to sit down and plan anything. I do wonder what im doing at work will be a stepping stone to the door or bridge out. Not sure. Just wondering.

Do I regret not leaving? 10000.....% HELL YES!!! In the beginning he was all into her and didnt give a rats ass about the kids or I. So easy to split. I could have gone back home. Or somewhere else.

Now Im on a rollercoaster with a fool who doesnt like me. Definitely doesnt love me . He cares about the kids, yes, but a lot of times they get in the way of what he wants. Im lonely, depressed, miserable, have severe trust issues and dont like being around him bc of how he treats me and his opinion of me.

I will tell my kids if their spouse or SO cheats on them, leave asap. If the person shows signs of cranialrectalomy then try the relationship a second time if thats what they wish. Never give the person a third chance. If they have to constantly monitor their partner, then the relationship is over

I will tell them infidelity may be the new norm, but never let anyone disrespect you.

Learn from Mami's bad choices.

Ashland13 posted 8/10/2013 19:13 PM

I tried really hard to save our marriage, until the cheating was brought into the limelight and my own fog began to lift.

I'm not glad of the decision to divorce, for I'm having a hard time accepting the coming divorce and did not want it, but feel the beginnings of a backbone coming to life for me after having done it.

I took a very, very long time and went against advice of many, but had to steer my own course and do all that I could because I have myself to be with for the rest of my life.

I didn't want to chance second guessing myself or wishing I did things differently and now I don't.

It took a lot of thought and time and question and realization, but I found that even I have a threshold and he crossed it. It was the lies that continue to come that finally did it, that proved his disrespect for myself and the life we'd built, including family. He doesn't take people and boundaries seriously, so how could I know it wouldn't happen again?

ETA: Also, when he yelled at me in defense of Floozy, I realized how far it had gone and how separate, or different, from us he had become.

I wish you peace during your decision making process.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 7:17 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

Kierst13 posted 8/11/2013 10:45 AM

Thank you all for taking tome to respond. I want to be absolutely sure before I pull the trigger.

ETA: Also, when he yelled at me in defense of Floozy, I realized how far it had gone and how separate, or different, from us he had become.

I wish you peace during your decision making process.

I agree. He is trying to convince me he wants me and only me, but if I say anything cross ways about his AP he gets nasty with me. He is very protective of her. I think that speaks volumes.

He still doesn't understand why I can't believe he wants me and only me. Well, a$$hole, your words don't match your actions, and you led me into false R purposefully so you could cake-eat. I hope it was worth it.

Dreamboat posted 8/11/2013 12:13 PM

My X took his A underground a couple of months after dday and pretended that he wanted to stay in the M. What he wanted was to cake eat. I really loved him back then and I wanted to believe that he loved me enough to save the M. I was wrong. Once I realized that the A never ended I filed for D. It took me a long time, a year, to get to that point. I was in denial and I was hurt and confused. But once I filed for D I realized it was the best thing I ever did for me. It allowed me to really take a close look at my M and at our relationship. I realized that X rode on my coattails. That he never loved me that way I thought he love me, he never loved me the way I loved him.

Now he is a broken man who is riding on OW's coattails. But she is a stupid woman who will go no where in life so there is not much to ride. Meanwhile I am independent and successful and happy. I have a great relationship with DD and he has a non-existent relationship with DD.

I am much better without him to drag me down and steal my energy.

Kierst13 posted 8/12/2013 12:53 PM

Dreamboat, I often wonder if I'll feel better and stronger if I just file the papers. Crazy-making, all of it.

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