SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Back story, last year I decided that I wanted to take IrishLad to Disneyland this year for a vacation. I had wondered about how to approach this with xWH yet knowing I had an ace up my sleeve. Our custody agreement states "When vacations are scheduled and planned each parent will make the child available to the vacationing parent". Note that there is no concession for any make up visitation.
In December, oldest IrishLad came to me with the offer that xWH would like IrishLad to come EOW rather than every weekend and I asked at that time for the weekend in Sept in order for us to go to Disneyland. I was told that if I would give a couple of extra days in the summer I could take IrishLad for that weekend. I agreed.
Fast forward, I remind xWH, through oldest IrishLad, that IrishLad will not be with him the one weekend in Sept as we have a vacation planned. I offer him 1st weekend in Sept or 1st or 3rd weekend in Oct for makeup time which I do not have to give.

This is the reply xWH sends to me:

You do not get to schedule your vacation time during my designated time with IrishLad.. I will not fight it this one time.. You need to discuss it with oldest IrishLad so he can discuss it with us next time.. I will allow it this time since its already paid for.. I will decide my own makeup weekend it will be during the holidays

He is getting crickets from me.

Do you have the agreement he already made in writing somehow? Emails?

What an asshat. I find it incredible That he thinks he can go back on your deal, and then bully you into giving up a holiday weekend.

ETA: and I cannot remember why you have to go through your other children to have conversations with him... ?? Simple emails to each other would eliminate this issue. (I'm guessing it was the new wife's choice?)

[This message edited by PurpleRose at 3:00 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

First of all, he writes like he's the friggin' King of France and is entitled to all he surveys. Secondly, I think the two of you need to NOT put your son in the middle of all this any longer. He should not be conveying messages back & forth, which is what it sounds like he's doing. If I misunderstood, I apologize.

Oldest son agreed to be an emissary. I use him as little as possible and only when absolutely necessary. I have asked xWH to e-mail, he refuses saying that I would then have the power to change his e-mails. They write me notes now and I do not respond. This was a note that oldest Irishlad forgot to give me yesterday and he conveyed it to my by FB message. I told him thanks for passing on the message. I do not like this at all but this is the way xWH communicates.

I would be in legal trouble if I used my kids as messengers.

My divorce decree states email or text messages as means to communicate ONLY- unless it's an extreme emergency.

I'm sorry you are dealing with a jag off who would rather be difficult and include his kids than act like a grown up.

NG, I don't think there is any legal trouble in using the 24 yr old as a messenger and I never use the 11 year old EVER. this is not his cross to bear, nor the oldest ones. The only reason oldest one messaged on FB was because he forgot to give me the handwritten note.

Just because HE chooses to communicate thru your son, doesn't mean you have to follow his orders/lead.

I would communicate thru email, how he responds is up to him. But I would make sure that his answer needed to be BY MM/DD/YYYY or I would be taking his lack of answer as his answer that he agrees with me to ..... Doing that always got a response from XH. Well unless he agreed

It isn't easy parenting with a lower muppet especially one from the bottom of the lower muppet barrel. It can make you crazy.

Hugs,

K

I am grateful that I at least have all of it documented from FB and notes.

I don't have "their" e-mail or numbers. If you can all give me a moment to explain. For 3 years, during false R, I was accused DAILY of calling OW, texting, OW and e-mailing OW. I NEVER DID. Not once, not ever. There was never any proof from any of my phones or e-mail account. Still, I was tried, convicted and hung. This is what has led to a very, very cautious me. I do not want to give them any openings at all.

Back in Dec after the change in regular visitation was proposed. I wrote up an agreement and gave them my work e-mail as a contact. They refused to use it and said that all communication must go through oldest Irishlad. I have their written refusal saved and I asked oldest IrishLad if he was ok with this arrangement because I wasn't ok with it. Oldest IrishLad said he was good.

At the rate you're going, you might as well revert to USPS. Mail him a letter about whatever issue is outstanding and include a postage paid, addressed envelope for him to reply to.

But you're in this little pickle because you overstepped and tried to do this guy a favor. Stop that. A week or weekend here or there isn't going to affect younger's relationship with his dad. Don't offer make up time. Don't offer reasonable solutions. Don't try to be fair. Just tell him what you're doing and when and let him deal with the rest.

Yeah, I did overstep in an effort to do what is best for younger child and to be reasonable with the unreasonable. I have tried the USPS route in the past and that was also to no avail. I appreciate all the advice, however BTDT over and over and this is what I am left with. FWIW, I do not like it any more than anyone else. However, I cannot change it until I can afford an attorney.

You know what? I wouldn't go crickets on this one. I would want it documented. Write:

We discussed this in December when you asked to have IL come EOW. You agreed to my vacation time. Here is the section of our Div Dec. that states I am allowed my vacation time. As I did this time, I will discuss with you in advance for vacations in the future.

Attach a copy of that page of your decree.

THEN go crickets.

IL518, yes cayc is right. Unfortunatly, nice gals/guys finish last. A sad but true fact of our world. Cut this dumbo off at the knees---no favors ever again!

You're obviously dealing with crazy people, and utilizing oldest Irishlad is apparently the only avenue you can agree on, but it's very sad and unfair that he has to bear that responsibility, even if he doesn't see it.

With regard to the "crickets" - it's a pick your battles situation. He's an ass. So sorry you and your children have to deal with that.

I would respond..now..and remind him that your divorce agreement has no concession for any make up visitation.

Why?

The part about " I will decide my own makeup weekend it will be during the holidays" worries me.

It sounds like he's going to decide he wants him for Christmas..I would want to put an end to that shit right now(unless you're scheduled for Christmas this year).

Your XH sounds alot like mine!!!

I would go on the trip.

THEN send the email about not switching a weekend at the holidays!!!

Then you can enjoy the trip, otherwise you know XWH will find a way to sabatoge that!

REmember, he is acting like a jerk so you won't have fun. Let him think he's won (for now!)

I have been looking online and I an find nothing in the RCW's regarding makeup time for visitation i.e. child is sick on visitation weekend, vacations etc. I find no uniform guideline to adhere too. I will check some more but if anyone can offer their insight I would appreciate it

The whole makeup visitation due to sick children thing is a burr under my saddle. I have three kids. During the winter at least one of them is sick almost at all times. If I start doing makeup visitation then I will never have all of my children ever on a weekend because one will always be having to go off with Dad to make up for the previous time they were sick. And who can keep up with all those times, anyway? It's madness.