I will confess to having spent too much time on this topic, DBellanon. I think of Nearly ExH in the way you wrote this post and so do quite a few other people.
One thing with regard to values that is affecting our daughter is the lying. Now, I don't know if this is "her age", but it came into play about the time that Nearly Exh started the different behavior that started about the time the cheating did.
Growing up, I had a totalitarian father and NPD mother who couldn't coordinate parenting to save their own lives. But the one thing they each actually agreed on was lying. So it was burned into my brain that this is simply unexcusable in life and not to be tolerated at any level. It's become a trigger for me now and I'm trying to trust people again, but the lying Nearly ExH did affected almost everyone we know.
Sneaking is another biggie and I won't list them all, but these are two that led me to file, because if he could do it once, certainly he could do it again...right?
What I'm "seeing" in him is that his decisions and the consequences he's facing may be playing a part in the loss of his morals. He thought he could have a fling and just go on with being married, but I think OW was smitten by him as I was, as he can be charming when he wants something.
Yes, I, too, tend to look a little closer at our daughter's behavior than before, though I was considered controlling before. I find myself over- analyzing now and don't like it, do you ever do that? I don't want her to think I don't believe her, but they don't make it easy.
Yes, Nearly ExH also is said to feel justified in his cheating because he had periods of "being unhappy" but never told me. Nor did he display this, until suspected OW pressure made him crack like an egg.
And he felt like he had "done enough" or spent enough time on our marriage and could be all done. He decided I wouldn't work with him on his issues, but he never told me what they were.
What's going to be hard now is that we can't control our children or their choices, we can merely be examples and perhaps over time and their aging, become their friend, so that perhaps they may follow some of our lead or seek our help in times of their own need, rather than hide their feelings.
Of all, that's my wish for our daughter, is that I can open some lines of communication with her so that I can walk by her side on her path, rather than lead her, as she ages.
FWIW, I believe that happiness is something that we create for ourselves and it should come from within. Nearly Exh got ego boosts from other people and openly admitted it one day, when speaking of family during false R. I try really hard to find happiness from inside, from things I do (or don't) and goals I set and make. People are for company, friendship, companionship, but not use. They come into my life for periods of time and I am lucky to spend time with them where we each get something out of the visit and then we go back to our routines again.
I'm sorry to veer off your post, this is a big topic for me. I agree with your thoughts and wish you well.