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Avoiding a trigger or not?

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Knowing posted 8/10/2013 17:53 PM

We are in A season. There were 6 weeks in particular that were awful. During the time the A was in full swing and was happening under my nose, I was working for some friends at their cafe and loving it.

fWH's A started when he was away on a contract. When he got back I immediately asked him if he'd slept with anyone, and he lied to my face. The A continued behind my back, while I was running around taking care of our DDs during summer break, and juggling work, all the while my fWH was lying about working and was spending his days in a hotel room with her. Although I very strongly suspected something, I had no proof. Less than 3 weeks later, I'd had an emotional breakdown/complete burnout and quit working for them (on good terms).

I have not been able to step foot in the cafe since my last day of work there. I've had minimal contact through FB with the friend I was close to. She's invited me a few times to go out or come by the cafe, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it.

I've driven by the cafe several times, but normally avoid that street if I can, and I have to look away. The sight of the cafe makes the memories flood back and I shake and cry...

I can't allow myself to remember how quickly I went from blissfully naive to completely blindsided by my fWH's A while working there.

At 10 months out I am still so sad and angry. And I know I can't see the one friend without fucking falling apart. I am sick and tired of always falling apart. The last 6 years have been pure hell. The A was added to a long list of other personal hardships and professional failings, including devastating infertility.

I saw the cafe friend today, and I didn't have the courage to say hi. I feel like an awful person. I started to tear up and shake when I realized she was nearby. I also felt very angry at my fWH for putting me in this position. We were in a public venue where everyone knows me and I knew I couldn't speak to her without falling apart right then and there. I am soooo tired of crying like a baby in public. I used to struggle after losing my business, then I was crying at the drop of a hat for years over all the pregnancies I lost... I am tired of being that girl.

I spoke to fWH about it. He thinks I should bite the bullet and meet with her. If tears and blubbering can't be avoided I should arrange for it in private.

I don't know how long I can go on avoiding her like this and hating myself for it. I feel like such a coward right now. I didn't use to be like this.


canteat posted 8/10/2013 20:25 PM

I would meet with your friend! She probably doesn't understand why you are avoiding her. She probably thinks she did something wrong. You don't have to share the details with her-just let her know that you were going through some tough times and cut yourself off from people. Tell her you are sorry and that you know it wasn't the best way to handle things but at the time you didn't know of any other way. Let her know you value her as a friend and that is why you are reaching out now that you are able. If you feel that you will cry then have the meeting in private. If you cry, you cry-your friend will understand. Maybe once you reconnect with her she can help you reclaim the cafe.

AFrayedKnot posted 8/10/2013 21:00 PM

There will be a lot of freedom when you do. But do it when youre ready. Smack dab in the middle of A season may not be the time. Don't force it. You will know when its time.


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