SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

DeMinxed posted 8/10/2013 18:55 PM

I'm in Day 2 of DNC and because I was so sick and tired of the emotional roller coaster and the way he would make me feel, I think it's going better than I thought it would. However, I know there will be bad days. I'm fearful of those. I constantly think of my AP and wonder if he's thinking about me too. When will this end? Will it end? I'm trying so very hard to move forward and live the life I know I deserve. I just want to rid my thoughts of him and our memories. I try not to day dream about our trysts and the two years we spent "together". It's just so hard. But when I see my family and we spend time together, it reinforces my decision to move on. I just like to know I'm not the only one going through this.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 8/10/2013 19:19 PM

You are not alone in those feelings. Others will be along who can help you better than I.

I bumped a thread called Maia's withdrawal survival guide for you.

[This message edited by broevil at 7:19 PM, August 10th (Saturday)]

SurprisinglyOkay posted 8/10/2013 20:30 PM

Glad it helped

DeMinxed posted 8/10/2013 20:54 PM

It most certainly did! Thanks

Trying33 posted 8/11/2013 14:47 PM

Many of us on this forum will be able to identify. At the beginning it really is just getting through one day at a time and remembering if you break NC you really are back at square one again.

Can you share any more details? This may help with some replies for you and for people who were in similar situations.

You probably don't believe it now but it really does get easier as time goes by.

For me, it was hitting rock bottom with my self-respect. I could not degrade myself any further. It HAD to stop.

There was one particular post that absolutely was a turning point for me. I think it was one of Aubries, the one about what love really means. The one that points out the difference between solid real life love and fantasy shit fickle love.

When I read that post it gave me the resolve and I stuck by it.

If anyone knows the post I'm talking about please bump it as I don't know where to find it. Thanks.

DeMinxed posted 8/11/2013 15:48 PM

I feel exactly the same way! I kept thinking to myself after breaking NC for the bazillionth time, "when did you become so horrible at having any will power?" And I would think "why are you such a pathetic person?" This is day 3 for me and its the longest I've gone with NC.

I'm finding it harder each day but I'm determined to stick with it. The difference between then and now is that even though I was ready to let go, I was never willing. Now I'm willing and ready.

He was such a big part of my life. I know, though, that its not him I'm missing. It's the idea of him and our fake relationship. The idea that we were never real hurts me the most.

authenticnow posted 8/11/2013 15:52 PM

Hi DeMinxed,

What is your story? Are you in R? Does your BH know about your A?

DeMinxed posted 8/11/2013 16:05 PM

I just ended a 2 year long A with a married man. I'm also married with two small children. My H found out about the A on 11/30/11. I had NC with AP until 12/7/11 and I broke down. He asked a mutual friend about me and when I found out I reactivated my email account and the rest is history. We continued the A even after my H found out. His W never knew. Still doesn't. He refused to tell her even after we got caught. They also have a small child.

We had big plans... Run away together, start a new life, I know I'm a really great mom, huh? :-(

Those plans never came to fruition and I'm so thankful they didn't. Every time I look at my kids I think "thank god it never happened!" So, after 2 years of a roller coaster relationship, I read an article when I Googled "how to permanently end an affair". To say it awakens and enlightened me is an understatement. I deactivated my account and that was Thursday 8/8.

I never thought I'd be this person. My H is wonderful and has been so supportive. He truly loves me unconditionally. He has no idea I kept the A going 2 years after D Day. If he did he would leave. No questions asked. This is my way of moving forward. I'm done with AP. I'm never going back. I have to stay true to myself and my family. I cannot continue to live my life that way. I'm better than that. I just need to start believing it.

As I'm sitting here typing this, though, I'm thinking "is he thinking of me?...will he try and contact me?...does he think I'm bluffing?... Does he miss me?" When will these thoughts stop? They're driving me crazy!!!!! Thank God for this forum. It's the only outlet I have. I feel so alone and so scared.

uncertainone posted 8/11/2013 16:38 PM

This is my way of moving forward

But it isn't. You're still in the affair by proxy. You've paid the "guilt toll" by going NC yet kept the stage you've played on open and available for your reminiscing and secret musings.

You have a sharp blade hanging over your head ready to drop at any moment. To be truly free to move forward that door with the past must be slammed and nailed shut.

Confession. Like Oscar Wilde brilliantly states....it's that not the priest that gives atonement. Giving your husband the truth about his reality is the only way to move forward without anchors and time bombs dragging along behind you.

It's your choice. Yeah, he may very well leave. Then again, he could be like many here that thought they would but haven't. The risk was one you took with your eyes wide open. Why close them now. Finding out is not what causes the damage, just uncovers it. In the open is where it heals. Otherwise it just festers and rots.

Something to think about. One thing I can almost guarantee you. If your husband does know, those thoughts of "is he missing me" will probably make room for the far more pressing, "oh my God, how can I work with him through this horrific destruction". A rather huge chiropractic priority adjustment.

authenticnow posted 8/11/2013 16:41 PM

You also have to go emotional NC. Constantly thinking about him is breaking emotional NC. You need to replace the thoughts of him with other things, don't let them ruminate inside your head.

IMO, until your tell your BH about the ongoing A, you can't truly heal from it or be in a healthy marriage. He also has a right to make decisions about his marriage based on the truth. Also, what if your AP decides to get spiteful and tell your H? Would you rather he found out that way?

What are you doing to change the patterns? You went back to the A because nothing changed inside you, you didn't dig to find out why you thought it was okay to cheat in the first place. What are you doing differently this time?

Mrs Panda posted 8/11/2013 17:11 PM

So your BH has no idea how you are pining away over the AP nor about the last 2 years of lies.

Your "moving forward" is just a big STOP. See, everything is still a lie.
You can try to forget. Compartmentalize.

It will eat away at you like termites do a beautiful house.

20WrongsVs1 posted 8/11/2013 17:26 PM

DeMinxed, stay strong, you can do it. When you are a week out, then two weeks out, it'll get easier.

Many of us came here with the same delusions you're suffering from now. What is the phrase I always see...we were living in the land of rainbow-farting unicorns.

IMO the best way to guarantee NC is to confess to his wife. I know, you're not ready to do that yet, and I'm sorry to admit I fought it when my BH insisted on it. But contacting the OBS made me wake up and realize:

Holy shit, I am the "other woman."

In the meantime...you want incentive to maintain NC? Go read some General or JFO threads and see what BWs say about us (OW).

SurprisinglyOkay posted 8/11/2013 21:04 PM

It will eat away at you like termites do a beautiful house.

Yep.

I had my first A not long into my relationship with my BS.
I kept it a secret. NO ONE knew.
But I did.
I didn't face it, didn't tell anyone, boxed it up and buried it.
Take to my grave kinda secret.

Funny how it worked after that. I couldn't stop using.
I don't mean just drugs, but stealing, shopping, men.
I built up credit card debt.
Got fired from my job for stealing.
Cheated three more times.
Used drugs.

Dug myself deep. Got stuck in a guilt and shame spiral that was impossible to get out of because I couldn't get honest. Not with anyone, including me.

Nine months after dday, I came to a place within myself that I knew it was tell my BS or leave the relationship.
I couldn't live with it anymore.

It was scary as hell. But letting that go gave me a freedom I've never had.

That's when I changed my tagline.

My best advice is to tell your BH. Not just for him, but for you.

JustDesserts posted 8/12/2013 08:15 AM

Uncertain, Bro, Authentic, Mrs. P, Trying are all sharing (quite gently, too!) important insights, suggestions, and the time-worn roadmap for breaking away from delusional, magical "my affair was THE love affair of all time" thinking.

I was being periodically enveloped by a tornado of my past delusions after DDay, while experiencing the daily withdrawal symptoms either acutely or mildly, and even involving my betrayed spouse in my clinging to the threads, the ugly, dirty,tattered threads, of my big, broken, self-deluding "love". Finding SI was the beginning of not feeling alone, not being able to fool and delude those here, and most importantly, myself. That moment of saying "I throw in the towel" and rolling up my shirtsleeves to REALLY begin to work, and heal, and become the person I hope to become, is one of the turning points in my life.

My wife is no longer involved in my processing and recovery from the drug my xAP had become. The folks here are, my IC is, and most importantly, I am. And it does get much, much better. The grinding, resentment and fantasy laden thoughts I was sometimes getting caught up in are reduced by a quantum factor, and I am seeking healthy replacement thoughts if a trigger or delusion or my pathetic "justifiable anger and resentments" crop up. Talk about finding peace in a shitstorm. This place, and the act of asking for help, have made an immediate impact.

And my lovely spouse hasn't thrown any of this in my face. She's led the way by example through doing what a loving, caring person who loves me CAN do despite the devastation, hurt, and selfish behaviour I subjected her to...she's shown empathy, and encouraged my getting help for ME, knowing that what that also means is that WE, and our marriage, is getting help in order to heal. We'll never be what we were, but we are becoming something new, exciting, and firmly grounded in an individual and shared reality. We're real.

Your turning point is awaiting YOU, DeMinxed. And as has been pointed out, you're not likely to begin to heal yourself, and your life relationships, until you take these suggestions to heart...and then act upon them in earnest.

I will root for you. JD

cs2384 posted 8/12/2013 08:31 AM

Ugh. It sucks. I like to write. I made a deal with myself that I would write a letter to him once a week. And that I wouldn't think about him until it was time to write that letter. I wrote the letter, sealed it, and tucked it away. Now this breaks mental NC I guess but it really helped me get through that early time of withdrawal. Because the truth is I was thinking about him all the time. This was a way for me to break that habit. I would start to think about him and I could tell myself, not now. Wait until Friday. Then it would take me ten minutes to write a letter and that was it.

I also found as time went on my letters changed. They changed from the I-miss-you-so-much to just feeling angry and mad at him to feeling sorry and disgusted at him. Until I just didn't feel like writing anymore.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 8/12/2013 14:43 PM

^^^ Huh. Interesting way to handle it!

Trying33 posted 8/13/2013 01:47 AM

I also found as time went on my letters changed. They changed from the I-miss-you-so-much to just feeling angry and mad at him to feeling sorry and disgusted at him. Until I just didn't feel like writing anymore.

I did this exact same thing. It was so cathartic. I would type out a letter on my phone every time I felt overwhelmed. I actually forgot I did that until I read this but it was so helpful. I'd then delete it as soon as I'd written it. It was to get it out of my head and to release some intense emotions.

BaxtersBFF posted 8/13/2013 07:23 AM

Hate to say it...but I pretty much wrote letters too. They were more like journaling though. It wasn't an active part of R. It was more a pre-R thing. Eventually I just felt really stupid because I ended up trying to "get back to that place" by writing it out. It was a way to keep the A going in my mind. The very few times I went back and read what I wrote I would feel like an idiot and would end up deleting or throwing away whatever was written. It just became more and more sad that I was trying to remain in the A frame of mind. Quite embarrassing...

If you do this, it very well could take you longer to get your head out of your ass.

Trying33 posted 8/13/2013 07:52 AM

Good point Baxters, but for me, writing letters in the early stages of withdrawal was more a way of coping with the emotions and not reaching out to AP. It was therapeutic.

For me NC happened in stages, it was firstly physical NC (no direct communication in any form) but mental contact was still very much present for a while after.

Writing emotions via an unsent letter can help channel emotions and contain them a little rather than them spilling out in a desperate attempt to re-start the A again in a bid to stop the hurt that so many of us have felt.

cs2384 posted 8/13/2013 08:23 AM

I agree with T33. It is so cathartic. It's impossible to go mental NC straight off. It's important for me that I never go back and re-read it. That's why I seal them. I have had no desire to read it either. I'm ready to burn them. Seeing them disappear like that is a nice thought. Journaling was recommended to me by my IC to help with all the emotions.