Betrayed and Wayward spouses welcome to respond.
In conversation today with my BW, she said the following things to me (apologies as these may not be 100% accurate in the quotes)
"I married you because you were more moral than everyone else."
"I thought you were a paladin type."
"Are you really just one of the sheeple?"
"I don't know who you are."
This was all surrounding my lack of good answers about a couple of things. My affair partner and her husband were friends of ours. They are polyamorous and her husband was complicit in the emotional affair and in our one physical encounter. So really, this is a triple betrayal for my wife.
In the days immediately after D-day I TT'd. First, confessing physical affair and then she found out about the emotional affair by reading my email. I hadn't done 'no contact' yet. The only things that I had done right at that point were to confess and to end the affair but I made a hash of that.
In the first few days, I was still holding out irrational hope that the friendships could be saved. Yes, I was being a cakeeater.
So, BW understands the AP having a physical encounter with me, that kind of thing happens in the world, as evidenced by the 40,000+ members on this site. (Understanding not being equivalent to approval)
Today's infuriation is about the AP's husband approving of our encounter in betrayal of his friendship with her and my desire, at the time, to try to preserve the friendship.
The point of contention about me is how could I have been so blind to the AP's husband's betrayal of my wife and been willing to consider preservation of that friendship at all.
Also, in larger terms, how could I have been so blind to the evolution of my emotional affair in the first place?
I want to make it clear, that this is not some minor technical point of argument, nor is it a random quibble on her part. We are both well educated and strongly committed to proactive ethical engagement in life. We have collectively and individually taken numerous ethical stands in our social organizations, professional lives and personal relationships. Being in touch with our moral compasses and taking action has been a cornerstone of our marriage. We have said for years "We don't do the Bystander Effect" and proven it over and over.
So, in all gravity, I don't have an answer to how I could have been so blind to the shifting of walls and windows in my heart. My best answer about how I was initially blind to the AP's husband's betrayal was that I was bound up in my own grief and remorse. These answers aren't good enough.
I'm really not sure what to do or say from here. I'm not willing to fabricate something and I'm still committed to ethical action, being faithful to my wife in the future and building structures and maintenance around my heart. I know that understanding reasons is not the same thing as excuses, but how -can- I offer any surety about right thought and right action in the future when this slipped in under my awareness?