I've felt like I'm finally finding my way into that magical place we like to call "indifference" for a few months now, but tonight it really hit home.
My SIL (XWH's sister) and her husband invited DS and I to dinner at their home tonight. We have remained close since DDay, she has never accepted OW and is very angry at XWH due to the way he forces the issue of accepting OW.
My kids were XWH's stepkids, but it's been 11 years since they met my kids, and take their role as their aunt and uncle very seriously. Just as I take my role as his daughter's, my DSD, stepmom seriously.
Anyway, we only discussed XWH once during the night and SIL told me that, due to her mother's urging, they finally agreed to go to a gathering at XWH's house, for his birthday at the end of July. She said it was awkward and XWH kept trying to push SIL to spend time with OW, and she avoided it. (Please know that my SIL is the sweetest, most forgiving person ever - this has been very difficult for her).
Here's the seeing the light part. While I was listening to her I found myself just feeling so empathetic to her and concerned for how conflicted she is, I had no thought of XWH at all, zero. I told her that while I absolutely appreciate the heads up (so I'm not caught by surprise because I do still attend the kids' bdays, etc., and they may be there this year), I completely understand that their family has to find their own level of comfort here, and I will respect and support whatever she feels is the right thing to do. (Esp because their mom is 78 years old, and seeing her kids like this is hard for her). I told her what I told her six months ago, though I mean it way more now, lol. That I'm okay now, and if allowing OW to come to a bday party will make her mother happy, that's fine - I can handle it.
And the best part is, I completely meant it this time. And, again, there were no angry thoughts about XWH or OW, I was simply concerned about SIL.
I'm finally getting to indifference!!!! If you haven't gotten there yet, you have absolutely no idea what a feeling of control of my own life I feel right now that I haven't had since DDay. It's just amazing.
Now, all that being said, I'm still going to enjoy my nephew's 3rd Bday party in two weeks, esp if they show up, because my DSD will be there, and she has no desire to be around OW, and my BIL's family just adores me too.
Status: D 2011
Remarried to a kind and wonderful man - 2017
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K.