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How is This My Life???

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DaysOfMyLife posted 8/10/2013 23:45 PM

I have been lurking for a few days and have finally decided to post. I need people who understand. I have a great support system but no one who has been through this. I don't even know how to start this so I am very sorry if it is a confusing mess.

My daughter and I had gone to visit a friend of mine for 10 days. I was willing to wait until my WH was able to get holidays but he said that I should go and have some girl time with my friend and we would do something different when he had his holidays. My 15 year old son didn't want to go either so he was pretty happy when WH said he was staying home. While I was gone I had no indication that there was anything wrong with our relationship. My WH was in contact and had even sent some sexual texts. Two days before I am due home I call and speak to my DS and he tells me that WH has gone to a "guy from works" cottage for the day. I thought hat was a little strange because WH hadn't told me and he really isn't a very social person. I decided that I would look at the bright side of him making some friends, I totally trusted him! I asked if he was spending the night and he said he wasn't sure but that he had brought his things with him "just in case". Later that evening I texted and asked what his plans were and he said he had a couple of drinks so he was staying. I was a little pissed because now my DS was home alone for the first time overnight. I decided not to be pissed at him and instead be happy he was having a good time. The next evening he tells me that he has decided to spend the night again because he is having such a good time. Again I look at the bright side!

When my DD and I arrive home after a 9 hour drive my WH is acting all weird and I was thinking he was mad at me for something. When he finally sat down I went over to get a kiss and he pulled away. In that instant I knew! When he went upstairs to the bedroom I followed. He lay on our bed and told me he had met someone and he has feelings for her. I asked if he had met her at the cottage and he said yes. I asked if he had slept with her and he said yes. He had no guilt or remorse. He said that when we had ever talked about cheating he said that he would tell me if he ever did but that he would never. He told me he had met her on Ashley Madison and had been on there since the beginning of June. I got both of my children set up with sleepovers and then flipped my lid! I kicked him out and he said that he wasn't leaving, it took me threatening him for him to finally leave.

As the night wore on I started to investigate on the computer. I managed to figure out the password to his email, which he had changed, and then found out that he had another email account that I knew nothing about. I managed to get the password for that and then his lies were exposed. He had been on multiple hookup sites looking for no strings attached sex. He had an ad on Craig's List. He had pictures up on these sites. He had been emailing one girl in our town for over a month and had met up with her at least three times. They had been emailing sexual "fantasies" back and forth and really it was what him and I had been doing in bed. He even sent her pictures of toys we own. He says he didn't sleep with anyone besides the one he told me about and just expects me to believe him because he's "not a liar"! He hadn't been at any cottage, he had I also found a hotel receipt in the emails for a hotel 4 hours away in the OW hometown, not even near the cottage he said he was at.

He met this OW online on Wednesday, spent Saturday and Sunday with her and then told me on Monday. When we told the kids he told DS that he had met someone else and had feelings for her. I told DD on my own and then he swooped in and took her for ice cream. While there he texted OW and then when he came home he sat on our front step talking to her while DD played 5 feet away from him. She came in and asked me if "daddy had cheated?" I asked why she would think that and she said he was texting someone he loved them and just then outside he told a girl on the phone that he loved her.

He had his parents book tickets for our DS to fly across the country for 20 days without discussing it with me. My DD and I stayed in the house with WH for a week listening to him talk to OW and telling her that he loved her. When I saw a lawyer she told me that I could leave the house and not lose any rights to it because this was a horrible situation for my DD to be in and that he was trying to provoke me. We have been staying at my brother's for 11 days now. My WH has changed all of the locks, thrown all of my clothes onto the front porch, thrown some of DD's clothes out onto the porch, I've gotten a police escort in twice to get some things. The last time he had everything that DD owns that was in our family room up in her bedroom. If you walked in the house you would never know children lived there. He emptied the bank account and left $500 in there for me and DD. We live in a city with a very high cost of living so this isn't going very far.

The OW messaged me on Facebook and told me that she was coming up to spend the weekend at WH house and that she would like to sit down and talk to me about me calling her a whore. Then she threatened me. That afternoon I tracked down a number for her husband and was speaking to him. OW has cheated on her husband 7 times before this and in general is not the type of woman WH would ever look at twice, let alone "fall in love" with. After I was speaking to OW's husband she messaged me again and said, "Stay out of my marriage you bitch!" The irony of that statement is beyond funny.

WH wanted to have DD for the weekend but as soon as OW told me she was going to be there I told him no. Did he really expect my 7 year old DD to get up Saturday morning and OW would be sleeping where I had been 3 weeks before that?

My DS is no longer speaking to me or responding to texts. He is getting any information about what is happening from WH and his parents. I am devastated by this. My children are my world and I am afraid that the damage that has been caused is going to be beyond repair by the time DS gets home.

I read a lot about the fog on here but I really think WH has gone insane. His behaviour is the complete opposite of anything he believed for the last 12.5 years I have known him. He wasn't the best father but he always put his children first. he dropped a friend of his when the friends marriage was going through a rough patch and the friend said that is the opportunity arose he would cheat on his wife. He didn't like easy women. He valued honesty more than anything. He was VERY cheap but on the one credit card statement I found there are charges for watching webcams online.

I have been through hell with my husband in the past and really thought that we were in a good place. I had no idea anything was going on and it makes me feel so stupid. He has depression and it comes out as him being emotionally and verbally abusive. The things he has said to me over the years are shocking but not as shocking as the fact that I still loved him. I am not so sad anymore, mostly angry and ready to fight. I will get my house back, I will get primary custody of both of the children, I will get every penny I deserve. I just need the drama to end. I am a very petite lady who has lost 12 pounds since this all happened on the 22nd.I try and eat but it is just small snacks at a time. I haven't been sleeping well and when I actually do get to sleep the dreams/nightmares are too much to handle. I do not communicate with him now except for a few texts about the children. My lawyer is great and really looking out for my best interests but WH's isn't being completely honest with is lawyer and it is starting to turn into he said/she said. I just want this to all be over. When will I wake up from this nightmare? I have made peace with the fact that we won't be together but I still can't imagine how holidays and birthdays are going to be now. I would have liked to be civil about this but the fact that he is choosing OW over his children is making my momma bear crazy! I will not let my children be around any other woman until I know it is a stable relationship and I personally don't think 3 weeks 3 days is long enough to say a relationship is stable!

Thanks if you read all of that, sorry for the novel! The truth is that is the really short version!

hardtimesinlife posted 8/11/2013 01:28 AM

Welcome to SI, DaysOfMyLife.
I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I'm using a mobile device and can't type all I'd like to right now. Your h is in the fog and is treating you very poorly.

I'm glad you are in fight mode. That will empower you. Hugs..

Nature_Girl posted 8/11/2013 01:43 AM

I think you're doing great, all things considered! I'm in awe of you sending your kids to sleepovers & then ripping him a new one. What an absolute assclown!

I see no reason why DS needs to stay away. This has probably done tremendous psychological damage to him, being sent away like this. Can you get him home immediately? And by home I mean with YOU, not home with that emotionally abusive troglodyte. You are the mother, your rights trump the grandparents. DS needs counseling immediately to debrief, I hope you can find a good kids' counselor ASAP for him and for your DD, since what she's seen & heard is also very damaging. Lordy, I want to kick your WS's teeth in!

Make sure you're documenting everything. Print out hard copies of all texts & emails & give them to friends & family as well as your laywer. Everything needs multiple hard copies.

Also, since your WS has already progressed to the point of Craigslist, he's sunk almost as low as serial cheaters can go. So you need to get in to see a doctor ASAP and be thoroughly tested for STD's. Blood, urine and a pap. Make sure they check for Hep C as well.

I am so sorry. ((((HUGS))))

emotionalgirl posted 8/11/2013 01:47 AM

Hi days. I am sorry that you find yourself here. I found out that while I was visiting my mother he was with OW. He never spent the night (still denies PA) I was spending time with family taking time to call and check in he was so busy with her couldn't be bothered to respond to my texts and calls....when he finally would call would tell me he was out with friends, I was happy that he wasn't sitting at home bored! My D day wouldn't come for many months after this incident. I wish I had found out sooner, now all I can think about every time he wasn't home on time or went out with the guys, was he with her? I feel your pain, I really do. I have been thinking about this whole thing as a long tunnel...they say there is a light at the end of every tunnel. I hope you see light soon. Keep coming here, everyone listens without judgement and respects your choices wether they be R or D. Me I am doing 180 and making him work to keep our marriage. If he doesn't work and treat me like the great wife I know I am then it is his loss. ((hugs))

OptimisticWife posted 8/11/2013 05:32 AM

I'm sorry to read about your situation
I'm glad you found this site. The amazing people on here have taught me so much.
Take care ((((DaysOfMyLife))))

DaysOfMyLife posted 8/11/2013 16:39 PM

Thanks everyone. I am unable to get my DS back at this point as I am not his biological mother. I have been raising him since he was 4 and his mother is not in the picture. In the past my DS and I had talked about me going for guardianship but decided against it because we didn't want to rock the boat with his bio-mom. My lawyer tells me that because I have raised DS and that the marriage was a traditional marriage, I have every right to have custody of him. I do have an ace up my sleeve too though. I know if WH fights me on primary custody of DS I can go to the bio-mom and have her help me in any way possible. She hates WH and all of the time we spent in court with her had nothing to do with DS but rather her trying to mess with WH. She would love to see him lose more than anything in the world.

Because of all of the crap we went through with bio-mom I know to document everything for the court. I write down every time DD speaks with WH, for how long, and what they spoke about. I have screen shots of every text message from when I was away right up to today. I have emails printed out where he was communicating with the woman in our town. I have the Facebook messages that OW sent. I can't wait to see WH's face when he sees that I have kept everything and his lies won't standup! You would think he would realize I would do this, I was the one who did it when dealing with bio-mom.

DS arrives home on Friday and I can't wait. I am hoping by then the primary custody will be decided so there is no issue as to where he is going. I am also hoping that I will be back in the house and WH will have to vacate. I will know more tomorrow when my lawyer is back in the office.

I have already had the full STD testing, just waiting on results. It will take a little bit because my doctor is on holidays right now.

I have to call tomorrow and see about getting the children into counselling. I am not sure how it works here. They are both back to school in two weeks and I am going to speak with their guidance counsellors right away. I really want DS to start the year off right as he is beginning grade 11 and needs good marks to enter into university in the fall of 2015. OMG, writing that just made me tear up, I can't believe it's only two more years!

I have a been in IC before due to anxiety, a lot of it caused by WH's depression and mood swings. My counsellor is out of town until next week so hopefully I will get in as soon as she gets back.

[This message edited by DaysOfMyLife at 4:40 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

Nature_Girl posted 8/11/2013 17:21 PM

Dadgum! You're a woman of action! Come on down to the Divorce/Separation forum and pull up a seat!

DaysOfMyLife posted 8/12/2013 20:24 PM

So today was a crappy day! I fell down the stairs and messed up my leg. I will be in a boot for two weeks. The worst part of it all is that while I was sitting at the hospital waiting all I could thing is that I wished WH was there with me. Why does it have to be such a roller coaster all the time. I know that the divorce needs to happen so why can't I just turn any feelings of love off? He seems to have had no problem doing it! It's so hard to love someone and hate them all at the same time!

kernel posted 8/12/2013 20:37 PM

((Days)) You're doing a great job holding it all together. It's perfectly normal to wish for the old days before your life exploded - you've barely had time to catch your breath! Take care of yourself and take advantage of your support system of family and friends.

Keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes your way with the lawyer. ((Days))

Dawn58 posted 8/13/2013 11:44 AM

I asked myself that very same question!! I had no idea the affair was going on, was blindsided when I found text messages he exchanged with her. The affair had been going on for nearly 5 months. They have been together for a year now.

I hated my husband, was enraged with him yet loved him at the same time. The love I felt for him has faded over the past few months. I have no respect for him and absolutely no trust.

I lost weight and have slowly gained some of it back. The infidelity diet - quite effective!! My sleep is still problematic.

Holidays and birthdays will be different. I found out over Thanksgiving weekend. Christmas, I was on the floor, balling like a baby. But, I managed to fix Christmas dinner for my family and get through the day as best I could. I know this Christmas will be better because I am better and stronger.

I am going in for my second set of STD tests tomorrow. Will feel good to get that done.

Post here often, check out the separation and divorce forum. Read the Healing Library - the 180 was hard for me to do. Really took me a few months to be able to do it once I realized that every bit of contact I had with him, only threw me deeper into the pain. Now, I am choosing not to go into that pit, if I can help it. I changed my phone numbers, and have blocked his emails so all communication go through the attorney. That works best for me.

Try to find things that comfort you, that fill your cup. I took a lot of hot baths, drank a lot of hot tea and took a lot of walks. Reach out to friends and family. Post here as often as you need, we are here for you!!!



DaysOfMyLife posted 8/14/2013 00:49 AM

The interim order should be done tomorrow. Hopefully the judge sees that both of the kids should be with me in the house. My brother and his wife have been great but I just want to be back in my house.

Thefly559 posted 8/14/2013 05:58 AM

First off I'm sorry you are in this mess . As you know by now you are not alone , the love you have for him is not a switch it cannot be turned off in a second I know because I feel the same about my ww . I'm sure when you got married and took that vow it was real for you , but you cannot control him or his actions. I speak from experience and I made so many mistakes after discovering my wife's infidelity. I also couldn't eat , or sleep , or concentrate , or anything! I would crawl in a ball and throw up with severe headaches. I have kids also . If I can now give you any advice at all it is to take care of you!! First. You have to be in good health for this battle. You did a good thing with getting a lawyer . You have to remember that this is not your fault and he made really bad choices and continues to and he is not the man you married or maybe this is ? Either way you do not need to be with a man like that ! I'm sure you know you deserve better! As far as the roller coaster , it goes on for a while and at times for me at least it is real bad! But the intervals get longer and time will be your best friend. I wish I could tell you more about that but there isn't more. You just have to push through but I can guarantee you will be better on the other side . It's hard to see now but you will. I feel your pain and understand and I wish you the best! Use your anger to your advantage and stay strong physically ! Just some friendly advice from a guy who is in the same boat. Hope it helps!

DaysOfMyLife posted 8/15/2013 02:02 AM

Court was good today. I finally got to read his affidavit and he lied so much it was enraging! He said that I didn't have a big role in taking care of our DS and that I shouldn't get any visitation with him at all. DS is very angry with me because of whatever his father and grandparents have been telling him and says he doesn't want to see me. He gets home Friday and I have asked my lawyer to try and have the visitation schedule worked out so I have him this weekend. It went to a 50/50 split on custody for both children. He got to keep the house for now but I get a lot of alimony because we live in a city with very high rent. It is just the interim order but the judge was disgusted by his behaviour, it was written all over his face! He also said in his affidavit that the OW was just a "friend" that he met online and that I flipped out because he had gone to visit her for the weekend! He obviously doesn't realize that I have the Facebook message the OW sent me telling me how in love they are and they are each others lives! Can't wait until I can show the judge that! Along with emails between him and a different woman that continued for a month and he met on three separate occasions. You would think he would have learned when we were going through court with DS bio-mom that you document everything...probably not though cause I did all of that too!

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