"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

MsRukia posted 8/11/2013 00:37 AM

So we are a week out from D-Day. I am still getting details, questions answered, trying to find my new normal, and in all figure out how to function. At the moment, it seems that WH wants to be reconciled. I have read a good deal of the material. It seems at th moment that he is truly remorseful, he wants to fix things, he's taken full responsibility, done what I have asked this far etc.
Here is where I am struggling. One minute I hate him, the next minute I love him (though admittedly not like I used to). I have him sleeping elsewhere at home, we havn't had sex since D-Day, and I just feel kinda stuck as to what to make of all of it.
Now he says to take what time I need, he's willing to do what it takes, he wants to fight for us etc. the affair was so aweful with a friend, sneaking around, the list goes on and on. So I struggle. I want to start at square 1 as friends again and work back toward being hubby and wife. But I struggle. Sometimes I slip and call him babe, though I think it's not right right now. Should I hold hands or not? Due to crazy kids and vacation we are sharing a bed and I realized I am not ready for it. Should I file legal seperation or not? Is it to early for working towards reconciliation or not? I mean the confusing list goes on and on. It's hard because I want a clear direction on all things but, I know I can't through this emotional fog. It's driving me nuts!
When does this start to get better? When does it become less all consuming? I want to move towards making smart decisions but I feel it would be irresponsible I do so at this point. Any advice would be helpful.

emotionalgirl posted 8/11/2013 02:01 AM

Hi MsRukia...I am a week out from D day as well and all I can do is tell you where I am right now. I saw IC last Wed and will continue to see. I am doing 180 and making him work to win me and our marriage back. He won't give TD and also has not guaranteed NC. I am 95% sure NC this week but.... I am working on me and when I have the rockin bod I am working toward, the house and finances in order he WiLL be taking notice. It is then I will demand TD or else he gets the hell out. We sleep together but have not had sex in a long time due to some health issues of his so that is not an issue for me. I refuse to tell him I love him and will not call him pet names. He knows I am hurt and pissed off and he is trying to win my trust....he has a long way to go. Good luck with whatever you decide. ((( hugs))). Sorry if my post rambles a bit!

ItsaClimb posted 8/11/2013 02:17 AM

You are just at the beginning of your journey to recovery, you need to give yourself time and just "go with the flow" for now. This emotional roller coaster is going to be with you for a long time to come... I am a year out now and I am still on the roller-coaster!

I did two posts on things I wish I had known at the start of my journey, maybe they would be of help to you. Have a look:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=501667

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=501705

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 2:18 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]

MsRukia posted 8/11/2013 04:19 AM

Thank You Itsaclimb. I read your posts and I am already doing some of those things. Carrying myself with dignity and respect, being selective of the few who I choose to tell (only those that would support us both), trying not to make any major decisions (this one is sooo hard). And a few other ones you mentioned. It's funny because, after he had finished th physical part of the affair, he came to me and asked for counseling. We went and for months he keeped giving me things he needed from me things I needed to work on. So, I did. He keept telling me our marriage was so much better and he appreciated all my efforts. At some point I told him how I was so happy we caught things before he had a PA. Well joke on me. I continue to recognize what things I contributed to our weaknesses.
It's so hard sitting and waiting and processing all this emotion. I am a fixer and naturally I want to skip to the fixing part. WH on the other hand, tells me he wants to give me as much time and space as I need. He wants me to do what I need to do. It's interesting, when he debated telling me he read a lot of stuff on here. I think it helped him have a realistic picture of what this all could look like.

ImNellNow posted 8/11/2013 09:56 AM

WH on the other hand, tells me he wants to give me as much time and space as I need. He wants me to do what I need to do.

So your WH dropped napalm on you and then patted your burned and blistered back with compassion and told you that he would climb into the passenger seat if you wanted to drive yourself to the emergency room. Or whatever you think is best. You go ahead and fix it and he will just be over here in the waiting room; come on out when you're all healed up and ready to resume life as usual.

WH needs to figure out what is wrong with him and how to fix it while *you*, you sweet, strong lady, need to focus your efforts on healing yourself.

In other words, WH needs to man up and start actively cleaning up the devastation he created.

Meanwhile, you might want to make the decision to not make a decision for at least 6 months while you employ the 180 (in the Healing Library) and figure out what you need and how you could best proceed. Your emotions are going to continue to spiral for quite some time, and you are often going to need all your strength to get through the day and give your kiddos what they need.

Keep coming here. We've all been where you are and can offer support, advice, and a sounding board for vents. Best luck!