"I'm still standing better than I ever did. Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid" Elton John
I tried to talk to h last night about this, calmly as I could, tears, but now yelling or anger.
Why did you choose to do this? What did you think at the time? Did you really think that you found your "soul mate"? How could you leave me after 10 years of marriage for someone that you only texted for 8 weeks? How could you value a stranger over me? What were you thinking? How could you make such a monumental decision in such a rash and unthoughtful way? Didn't you think that you owed me the respect of ending our m honorably? If you didn't love me anymore, thought our m was over didn't you think about my loyalty and that I deserved that at least?
What do you think now about what you did? How do you feel now when you see me so crushed?
I didn't just spew out these questions like that, it was him giving a response and then another question.
His answers sucked. He became defensive.
He avoided me for the night. The discussion started because he asked me what was bothering me. I had a very bad anxiety attack during the previous night.
He says there are no answers. He says that he had no feelings or thoughts. BS.
He then asked, "what if I am unable to give you the emotional connection that you want?, What if I don't want to?, What if it is to hard, painful for me?"
I told him that I don't believe that he is incapable, that it is his choice. If he wants a close intimate relationship, he has to dig down inside himself, be honest with himself and me about his feelings and thoughts.
How can I ever trust or feel safe with you if you don't know why you did this?
His response, "because I won't, I will never hurt you again".
I don't trust it, it is not enough.
Is it too much to expect some introspection and discussion about this?
The fact that he was able to leave me for so little, so quickly, without care, that is torturing me. That is what I need to know from him.
what were you thinking then? How do you feel think about it now? Have you learned anything? How much do you value me now? Do you?
He leaves me to dwell on this alone all night. Not a good sign. Maybe he cannot give me what I must have to remain with him.
I don't know how long I can wait to find out who he is inside.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
I attempted R, he was a lie