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Why and How could you??

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cantaccept posted 8/11/2013 05:44 AM

I tried to talk to h last night about this, calmly as I could, tears, but now yelling or anger.

Why did you choose to do this? What did you think at the time? Did you really think that you found your "soul mate"? How could you leave me after 10 years of marriage for someone that you only texted for 8 weeks? How could you value a stranger over me? What were you thinking? How could you make such a monumental decision in such a rash and unthoughtful way? Didn't you think that you owed me the respect of ending our m honorably? If you didn't love me anymore, thought our m was over didn't you think about my loyalty and that I deserved that at least?

What do you think now about what you did? How do you feel now when you see me so crushed?

I didn't just spew out these questions like that, it was him giving a response and then another question.

His answers sucked. He became defensive.

He avoided me for the night. The discussion started because he asked me what was bothering me. I had a very bad anxiety attack during the previous night.

He says there are no answers. He says that he had no feelings or thoughts. BS.

He then asked, "what if I am unable to give you the emotional connection that you want?, What if I don't want to?, What if it is to hard, painful for me?"

I told him that I don't believe that he is incapable, that it is his choice. If he wants a close intimate relationship, he has to dig down inside himself, be honest with himself and me about his feelings and thoughts.

How can I ever trust or feel safe with you if you don't know why you did this?

His response, "because I won't, I will never hurt you again".

I don't trust it, it is not enough.

Is it too much to expect some introspection and discussion about this?

The fact that he was able to leave me for so little, so quickly, without care, that is torturing me. That is what I need to know from him.
what were you thinking then? How do you feel think about it now? Have you learned anything? How much do you value me now? Do you?

He leaves me to dwell on this alone all night. Not a good sign. Maybe he cannot give me what I must have to remain with him.

I don't know how long I can wait to find out who he is inside.

kickboxer posted 8/11/2013 07:36 AM

I agree...they must be willing to dissect, evaluate, and ponder WHY.

It might hurt. It might suck to look at that person in the mirror...the one who could do such heinous things to someone who loves them so much.

You might lose sleep over it.

You might feel remorse...guilt...shame.

But you have to be willing to dig through it to examine your actions in order to figure out how to prevent the same outcome again.

My husband says the same things...but I don't honestly know if he's truly dedicated to reconciliation or if he's just going through the motions to make it easier on himself while I carry the burden of pain.

solus sto posted 8/11/2013 11:19 AM

The part that concerns me is his conjecture about not wanting to re-forge an emotionally intimate relationship with you.

No, he's not doing the work. But you know that---he is giving crap answers a significant period of time after (multiple) d-days.

"I just won't hurt you again" isn't adequate. (He IS hurting you!) It is not a safe response.

How will you deal with this?

Have you tried 180ing?

Can you envision spending the rest of your life with a man who may or may not choose to make an emotional investment in your marriage because, well---it's too hard?

cantaccept posted 8/11/2013 11:36 AM

In IC and MC, I have been really focusing on these issues.

Mc feels that h is making progress in getting in touch with his emotions. How long will it take? How far can he go?

Those are the questions. I am willing to give him the chance to work on this.

How long? That I am unsure of for myself.

Will I accept and live with things as they are? NO. I would have in the past, but now I am a much different person.

I want a true connection or I would rather be alone. I am so much stronger now. I know now that I would be ok on my own. I know that I could build a different life alone.

Do I want that? Absolutely not! I love him, I see the potential in him. Potential has no meaning unless it is brought to fruition.

I am so willing to work with him. I want to forgive him and move towards a new and different future together.

He must show me consistently that he is working on this also and can sustain it.

Through all of this pain and introspection, examining the past, I have learned that I deserve to be loved and treated like I am special, like I matter, because I do.

I never thought about myself before, what I needed or even if I needed. Now that I know this, I cannot unknow it.

I will not settle for crumbs.

I keep telling h it is one of the consequences of his actions. His sweet compliant wife has turned into a monster!

No, I don't think I am a monster. I am just so much healthier than I have ever been. For the first time in my life I am putting me first.

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