Your wife sounds like a gem. I'm so sorry she is doing this.
Right now, I think the best thing for you to do is protect yourself. Can you get more evidence of her affair to prove all her allegations are false? I'm really at a loss here.
I don't think there is any way that she will ever feel remorse. She has it in her head that life with you was so horrible, as she's driving around in your Mercedes, that she will never see what's right and what's wrong. Her fog covered world must be so nice for her.
With everything she's said to you, she's the abusive one.
Please continue reading here and posting, it helps. Also read the healing library, there's a lot of good information in there.
I wish I had better advice for you.
[This message edited by simplydevastated at 6:57 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]
If you hang around here long enough, you will see so many common threads about poor behavior and a change in personality---sometimes permanent.
You are correct that your stbxw current hates you. Sorry I had to type that, but it is true. Villianizing you is one of the first behavior changes that a wayward spouse goes through. It is one of the ways that they can justify their own poor behavior. It sounds like she is also entrenched in self power, which tends to feed on itself. The fact that you are baring your soul to her of your hurt and desire to reconcile makes you look even weaker, and more repulsive, in her eyes.
That is the disgusting part---that we care and hurt so much for our partner...and show it...and they look at us as pathetic.
One more thing that you will learn very soon around here, and that is that you can only control yourself. You have no ability to control or change your wife. As terrible a path that she is currently on, she is the only one who can change it. So that means that it is time to be selfish---in a good way---to start your own personal healing. It may take a little time for that to settle in, but it is the absolute truth---you have to work on you.
If you are in the angry, I mean VERY angry phase right now, I suggest that you use it to your benefit. That anger can be your best friend if you channel it correctly. First and foremost, get to a lawyer, and I mean a shark of a lawyer. Your wife has had a head start of months in legal maneuvering as it pertains to the marriage and the business. Already called to police with threats of stalking. Do you honestly think that she will stop at anything to get the absolute most that she can?
She is not your wife in this body. She is like an evil pod person that has taken over, and has no other mission than to destroy you. And while you barely have the strength to even get up off of the floor, this is when you need to be your strongest. It is like the cruelest joke of your life---worse than you could have even imagined.
Yet that is where you are. When you eventually accept that (1) her cheating and poor behavior have NOTHING to do with you, and (2) you have to put yourself first and foremost, then you will be able to function a little better. You are going to be receiving tons of advice here(even though it is slow on the weekends, it ramps up during the week), and you will see many things more and more clearly than you did in the past. And the sooner that you pick yourself up off of the ground, and fight back, the sooner that normalcy will re-enter your life.
These are the bad times---the worst---but you can get through this. Post often, give as much detail as you are comfortable with, and start the rebuilding process. You didn't ask for any of this, but you can come out on the other side a happy person again, although that may seem impossible at the moment. You will just have to take our word on this.
Get angry. Get active. Hit the bag at the gym for the raw anger, and use the rest of the anger to save yourself and your children from this stranger who has entered your household.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D
Is the car in your name?
I would thing your L would advise you to begin separating finances.
Cancel your name off any cards.
Open sep. bank acct - & don't take all the money - it looks bad for you, take half.
(just like her false charges will look bad for her).
"We always deceive ourselves twice about the people we love — first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage."
Right now you are going to be in the worst pain you will ever face IMO. There are no magic pills to make it go away. You need to get safe and stay strong enough to protect yourself and care for your kids. If she has turned the whole world against you then you need to be able to protect them against the world. This won't all just pass, but it will fade and get better over time.
Make sure you are eating right and drinking enough water. Sleeping enough. Exercise will help you a lot. These basic body maintenance routines will help with self-everything but the goal is to keep yourself functioning at peak efficiency to deal with the plate of crap you've been served. On top of everything else, taking care of yourself will keep you thinking clearly enough to help make rational decisions (as rational as you can at a time like this).
Speak to a lawyer about what you can do wrt to your home, document EVERYTHING that you can. Carry a VAR with you. Separate your financials as much as you can. Be there for your kids because they need you, and in the end that will help you, knowing that if nothing else you are there for them even if they do not understand or properly appreciate what you are doing.
Keep going, the only way out is through. You can get there.
[This message edited by StillGoing at 8:26 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]
I'm a Psychologist. I'm not into relationship therapy. I work in the correctional industry in my state. My focus with prisoners is getting them to face their lives, their choices
and get them to take responsibility for them. When I found out what my wife was doing and had been doing I used that mind set. If I could, I'd like to suggest it to you.
First, your wife is not a bad person, despite her current behavior. She is going through limerence, which is that feeling of new love when everything looks fresh and new and great. She's in a LA -LA land where unicorns fart rainbows while jumping over cotton candy clouds, lollipop forests and gum drop mountains. The reality of what she is doing hasn't hit home in a bad way. When it does (it always does) she'll rationalize that you had it coming because you weren't 'there' for her and her POSOM (piece of shit other man) was. That's a defense mechanism. I take the attitude of 'Father forgive them for they know not what they do'. Basically what she's experiencing is a form of mental illness. How could it not be? She's being vicious and deliberately hurtful to someone who has done nothing but love and support her. Maybe you weren't perfect, but who is? I'm sure if you think about it there were numerous times when she fell short as well. But I digress.
Now is the time for effective strategy. It is not too late to get your wife back. At this stage it will be difficult, but not impossible. Some may say impossible, but I say impossible just takes a little longer. I don't want to give you false hope however. She may not come around and even if she does, after everything, you may not want her back. But I want to suggest a strategy that I feel will give you the best option.
As I said, my focus is to get people to face reality and accept responsibility. You have to put your wife in a position where she has no choice but to do that.
First, defense. GET A LAWYER. Find a real low down barracuda to fight for you so you'll be ready if it comes to that. Have him/her help you find a detective, a real sneaky, thinking out of the box one. Gather all the info you can on her and 'Mr. Wonderful'. Find out especially if he's married. If he is, it's golden. Just gather the info and give it to his wife. Now he might just tell his wife it's over with her and run off with your wife. But more likely, he will throw your wife under the bus, quickly, to save his own ass. This has the effect of flooding LA LA land with ice cold water and drowning all the poor unicorns. She will probably be angry as hell, but who cares? Her initial anger will often be followed by an 'Oh my God! What have I done?!!' moment. Once out of LA LA land, and seeing POSOM for what he really is, she can start to figure out how to fix the mess she's made. She'll begin to see herself for what she has been...and I would help her with that! I would remind her of some of her harsh comments and actions and ask how can I trust he now. Make her work for it, then she can see herself for what she was when she started out and for what she can become again...your loving wife and life's partner. There are no guarantees in life but if you take action you can have a positive outcome.
Oh, btw, there is something on this site called the 180. I didn't use it myself, I was too angry and desirous of making my wife's life hell after I found out. But in your situation it might be a good idea. The 180 helps a person detach and get there head on straight. It allows one to focus. Good luck with everything. Keep us posted.
[This message edited by hatefulnow at 9:21 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]
Do you know she is messing with her own children's psychological health?
Who tells their children these things?
fly))) I'm going to suggest you avoid talk @ your W with the kids.
She is in full alienation of affection mode - get this straight - she is DAMAGING THEM!
So, when asked; "Do you miss mommy?" - You can say something age-appropriate like; "Dear little flys, I know you miss mommy, come here, let's hug. Now, who wants to go to the park and have fun?"
Re-direct that stuff. Their little minds are being divided.
Besides abusing you, guess what? She's abusing them.
You may want to check out the narcissistic personality disorder in the I can relate section of the forum. I'm no shrink but sound like she has a lot of these traits. Or she's an extreme bi polar or borderline.
You can't control her or her actions but you can control your reactions. It's owing to be hard but what other options do you have?
Re: family/friends I have found with these situations that its only a matter of time before people figure out who the real dysfunctional person is. I would not take it personally at all. They haven't had to live with her. Just saying.
Take care of yourself!!!!
Yes for me the psycological abuse is devastating. Ok so I need some help to understand the no remorse? Did she never love me in 19 years ? Does she hate me that much? Dam what a sucker !
My situation is/was much like yours - no remorse is a whole new kind of hell. First and most important thing to know is It's not your fault, It has nothing to do with you.
I know it may be hard to understand initially but this needs to be repeated to yourself often because it not only true but helps with the emotional abuse that you're currently undergoing.
Your WW is not the same person you married. She is currently in whats called "the fog". She is minimizing her guilt with whats called blameshifting - modifying the marital history to make her look more like an angel and you more like a demon. The more she can blameshift the better she feels about herself doing the hellish things she is. Ironically she should know this herself as cognitive dissonance.
This is only one of the many aspects to infidelity you'll begin to see.
Please read the healing library (menu upper left) a few times and you'll become well versed in what you are going to need to know about the hows, whys and what you need to do.
I'll be keeping a close eye on this thread because your situation is so much like mine. Total lack of remorse from the WS is a hell like no other.
Take care man, and remember it has nothing to do with you!
One night after she served me divorce papers like 5 days after , one of my buddies saw her (in my new Mercedes I bought for her ) at a motel parking lot in the next state adjoining ours ,so I went there , took a picture of my car and called my lawyer , still nothing physical . I text her the picture and asked why my car is there and she did not answer or admit it . She just ignored me ! Which might even be worse . The very next day we had an argument ( heated) still no violence . I went to work and when I came home I found out she went to family court with a stalking and verbal abuse allegation and the cops removed me from my home.
IMHO this timeline reeks of manipulation in order to get you kicked out of your own house. Might narrow down the list of potential OM though.
My sitch differed in that she had a child from a previous marriage and *knew* that the courts would *never* split the kids and/or award a man primary custody. Well, she *knew* wrong. This was 20 years ago when the system was even more heavily biased against men. You can do this.
She said things like get out of her house
Absolutely no way!!! Do not leave, no matter how bad it gets. She wants out, show her the door.
And I want to lead my children by example. The abuse from my stbxw got so bad that my 8 year old daughter told me " daddy why do you tell me to stick up for myself and you let mommy do that stuff to you? " my son asked me if I miss mommy and I said yes of course why? He said because mommy said she doesn't miss you !
Get those kids into therapy NOW!!! This is just abuse on her part. Also, the results will be used in determining what is "in the best interest of the children." That's a phrase you will come to know intimately.
I journaled which helped
More than you may realize. It will be admissible in order to help document just who was at home taking care of the kids. Continue to do so. After divorce papers were filed in my case, I documented almost to the minute. Hired a PI to follow her. It wasn't to prove she was having an affair, but to prove how little time she was spending with the kids. It got her to lie on the stand, which once proved, ended any credibility she had.
stole from us
Provable? Excellent! Goes to character. Not that she has much.
Don't worry about anyone or thing other than yourself and your kids. Carry a VAR with you for every interaction. DON'T continue to accept her abuse. Let your new phrase become, "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Exercise the 180. http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11 Live it!!! DO NOT ENGAGE!
As others have stated. Lawyer now! Best D lawyer you can get. Nastiest, meanest take no prisoners type.
FWIW. My son was 3 when I was awarded custody. She couldn't believe the court gave me custody and fought all the way through the state supreme court. I won at every level. She was so sure that she would win, that she would have her "dates" show up at the house to pick her up. It was all a sham cause she was only after her AP. The "dates" were designed to hurt me.
I also disagree with the "limerance" comment. There are truly evil people in the world. Sorry you got involved with one. At best, maybe borderline personality disorder, but way too little info. Look it up.
Welcome brother. I send you strength and endurance for the trials ahead.
I'm another one that disagrees on the limerence. She's been at this far too long for it to be new love. I'm not a fan of finding reasons/excuses for what is simply evil and malicious behavior. She's still CHOOSING to hurt you and her own kids. Does it really matter what her excuse/reason/diagnosis is at this point? At some point, a remorseless wayward goes over the line of what is forgiveable. It sounds like you are at that point.
Please follow the advice of the wise men on this site and protect yourself and your kids. Never meet your WW without witnesses and a VAR. I would even record phone calls if I were you. This is a war and you need to treat it that way.
[This message edited by kernel at 12:54 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]
[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 1:29 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]
Your wife has successfully turned an alpha to a beta male then got bored. Typical.