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Thefly559 posted 8/11/2013 06:12 AM

I loved the idea of Family and marriage for as long as I can remember . My stbxw and I Have been together for 19 years and married for nine. She actually served me divorce papers on my ninth wedding anniversary. We Have two amazing young children ,two homes ,a successful business all
together.She ran the office end of the business and all the finances and I ran the field work since it's inception 8 years ago.With so much on our plate we have had our share of disagreements as do all, and I am far from perfect as a man But never physical or berating . I might add that she has a degree in psychology. So to make a long story short . I noticed a change two years ago , her goals and lifestyle started changing , gym with trainer,weight loss, wanted breast implants ,severe loss of interest in our business ,texting other men (just friends) late nights, new career ,etc. I would approach her about it and she would tell me I'm insecure or too jealous. I believed it and was blind . Even after my mother , brother and select close friends told me something was off. My stbxw told me I had problems and recommended a therapist for me , after four weeks of therapy only for me! The therapist says that she thinks if all I say is true that my wife is exiting the marriage and is planning an affair if she hasn't already . Of course stupid me didn't believe it and actually got angry with the therapist and walked out still defending my wife! I have since apologized and returned fully to therapy with that person. After numerous attempts at marriage counciling as she manipulates the therapist with blame and diverts the focus off of the emotional affair I accused her of ,she tells me she isn't going anymore and I'm too jealous and controlling , I knew something was wrong but I was in denial . I would ask her to stop talking to these men and give me the affection I need but she would say that they are her friends and I am not ! I might add that we also went to a tony Robbins seminar that she spent thousands of dollars on and bought all his products which I believe gave her the motivation she needed to take that leap. Tony Robbins was awesome if used correctly! So she hits me with divorce papers after torturing me for two months because she asked for a divorce and I said no because she would not come clean . She made me sleep in my basement , told me to get a lawyer and partied , drinking and not coming home nights as I stood home with the kids . She said things like get out of her house , your not a man , you are pathetic and I real man would not put up with this abuse! All as I cried in pain never losing my temper physically just emotional pain and confusion to the point of regurgitation . She locked the bedroom door bought a new mattress and left sex toys and hotel bathrobes around the house , that weren't ours! One night after she served me divorce papers like 5 days after , one of my buddies saw her (in my new Mercedes I bought for her ) at a motel parking lot in the next state adjoining ours ,so I went there , took a picture of my car and called my lawyer , still nothing physical . I text her the picture and asked why my car is there and she did not answer or admit it . She just ignored me ! Which might even be worse . The very next day we had an argument ( heated) still no violence . I went to work and when I came home I found out she went to family court with a stalking and verbal abuse allegation and the cops removed me from my home. I spent weeks and months in severe physical pain from the emotional pain ,headaches severe ,pains in weird places , throwing up , crawled up in a ball kind of pain. I am in beginning of a horrible divorce now and she is bitter, nasty ,neglegtfull to our kids no reconcile no remorse actually the opposite? She has a boyfriend who she hides from me through her stalking lies. She will give me no closure , no remorse no talk no sign no anything. It's actually the opposite ,that should be my actions I think . She has since turned all friends and family against me as they accept her new man with open arms after I did so much for them for so many years. I am deep into the anger phase and I am having a big problem with her not having a problem! I want her to feel my emotional pain on some level but friends and family say that might never happen . There is more to the story that comes out daily like she hid money , stole from us , went to lawyers three times behind my back , took birth control pills without my knowledge as I used a condom . Yes for me the psycological abuse is devastating. Ok so I need some help to understand the no remorse? Did she never love me in 19 years ? Does she hate me that much? Dam what a sucker !

simplydevastated posted 8/11/2013 06:55 AM

First let me welcome you to the best place nobody wanted to be. You will find a lot of compassionate people here.

Your wife sounds like a gem. I'm so sorry she is doing this.

Right now, I think the best thing for you to do is protect yourself. Can you get more evidence of her affair to prove all her allegations are false? I'm really at a loss here.

I don't think there is any way that she will ever feel remorse. She has it in her head that life with you was so horrible, as she's driving around in your Mercedes, that she will never see what's right and what's wrong. Her fog covered world must be so nice for her.

With everything she's said to you, she's the abusive one.

Please continue reading here and posting, it helps. Also read the healing library, there's a lot of good information in there.

I wish I had better advice for you.


[This message edited by simplydevastated at 6:57 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]

jb3199 posted 8/11/2013 06:59 AM

Sorry that you are here, friend. Believe us when we say that we say that we understand the pain that you are going through.

If you hang around here long enough, you will see so many common threads about poor behavior and a change in personality---sometimes permanent.

You are correct that your stbxw current hates you. Sorry I had to type that, but it is true. Villianizing you is one of the first behavior changes that a wayward spouse goes through. It is one of the ways that they can justify their own poor behavior. It sounds like she is also entrenched in self power, which tends to feed on itself. The fact that you are baring your soul to her of your hurt and desire to reconcile makes you look even weaker, and more repulsive, in her eyes.

That is the disgusting part---that we care and hurt so much for our partner...and show it...and they look at us as pathetic.

One more thing that you will learn very soon around here, and that is that you can only control yourself. You have no ability to control or change your wife. As terrible a path that she is currently on, she is the only one who can change it. So that means that it is time to be selfish---in a good way---to start your own personal healing. It may take a little time for that to settle in, but it is the absolute truth---you have to work on you.

If you are in the angry, I mean VERY angry phase right now, I suggest that you use it to your benefit. That anger can be your best friend if you channel it correctly. First and foremost, get to a lawyer, and I mean a shark of a lawyer. Your wife has had a head start of months in legal maneuvering as it pertains to the marriage and the business. Already called to police with threats of stalking. Do you honestly think that she will stop at anything to get the absolute most that she can?

She is not your wife in this body. She is like an evil pod person that has taken over, and has no other mission than to destroy you. And while you barely have the strength to even get up off of the floor, this is when you need to be your strongest. It is like the cruelest joke of your life---worse than you could have even imagined.

Yet that is where you are. When you eventually accept that (1) her cheating and poor behavior have NOTHING to do with you, and (2) you have to put yourself first and foremost, then you will be able to function a little better. You are going to be receiving tons of advice here(even though it is slow on the weekends, it ramps up during the week), and you will see many things more and more clearly than you did in the past. And the sooner that you pick yourself up off of the ground, and fight back, the sooner that normalcy will re-enter your life.

These are the bad times---the worst---but you can get through this. Post often, give as much detail as you are comfortable with, and start the rebuilding process. You didn't ask for any of this, but you can come out on the other side a happy person again, although that may seem impossible at the moment. You will just have to take our word on this.

Get angry. Get active. Hit the bag at the gym for the raw anger, and use the rest of the anger to save yourself and your children from this stranger who has entered your household.

Good luck.

jjct posted 8/11/2013 07:21 AM

fly, I support you man - I understand very well the devastation you're feeling right now, and I grieve with you.
The posters before me said everything I would want to say.
Take care of you. Protect yourself. Get your attorney on the false charges that had you removed from your home - a staggering injustice, and one many many men have sadly experienced - you can believe me.
Prayers for strength for you brother. Keep posting. We got your back.

jjct posted 8/11/2013 07:39 AM

Just thought of something else.

Is the car in your name?
I would thing your L would advise you to begin separating finances.
Cancel your name off any cards.
Open sep. bank acct - & don't take all the money - it looks bad for you, take half.
(just like her false charges will look bad for her).

Ascendant posted 8/11/2013 07:42 AM


Betrayed444 posted 8/11/2013 07:59 AM

Do an about face brother. Do it now.
You can't cry her back into loving you.
Step up
Take control of yourself
I'm sorry to hear about this. It sucks. It's the worst and it seems like she is taking a lot of pleasure in this.
You may want to check out the betrayed men's section in the I can relate area. Section 10 on is great but starting with 1 is best.
You have to take a stand. All of the above advice is gold. Take care of yourself.
We are here with you. Your not alone. We have all been betrayed.
We have all been in love.
Get strength and regain your self respect.

StillGoing posted 8/11/2013 08:26 AM

Thefly, listen to and take the advice you get from the folks here, losts of caring and compassionate people that will be here for you.

Right now you are going to be in the worst pain you will ever face IMO. There are no magic pills to make it go away. You need to get safe and stay strong enough to protect yourself and care for your kids. If she has turned the whole world against you then you need to be able to protect them against the world. This won't all just pass, but it will fade and get better over time.

Make sure you are eating right and drinking enough water. Sleeping enough. Exercise will help you a lot. These basic body maintenance routines will help with self-everything but the goal is to keep yourself functioning at peak efficiency to deal with the plate of crap you've been served. On top of everything else, taking care of yourself will keep you thinking clearly enough to help make rational decisions (as rational as you can at a time like this).

Speak to a lawyer about what you can do wrt to your home, document EVERYTHING that you can. Carry a VAR with you. Separate your financials as much as you can. Be there for your kids because they need you, and in the end that will help you, knowing that if nothing else you are there for them even if they do not understand or properly appreciate what you are doing.

Keep going, the only way out is through. You can get there.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 8:26 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]

Thefly559 posted 8/11/2013 08:29 AM

Thank you all for the great and fast response . At the beginning I really felt nobody understood since most of my friends cheat on their wives and numerous woman I know cheat on their men almost like I'm the jerk for not! It's crazy and I have a hard time understanding it? For me divorce or infidelity was never an option ( not because I did not have any options either) but my morals and beliefs are different I run my life and business without lies. And I want to lead my children by example. The abuse from my stbxw got so bad that my 8 year old daughter told me " daddy why do you tell me to stick up for myself and you let mommy do that stuff to you? " my son asked me if I miss mommy and I said yes of course why? He said because mommy said she doesn't miss you ! Dam. That's just some of the pain. It sounds like I'm not the only one with these stories. And I also feel the pain of all who are betrayed male and female . I journaled which helped a lot and I read books ( a lot) like " not just friends" and many others . They helped immensely . When I first realized it was real before the discovery of her in motel , like days before , I did get a lawyer and seperate bank accounts , changed passwords etc. since she controlled all the financials , I know it's hard to believe but she controlled all the money ! All I did was work and bring her the money , I trusted her 10000% the bank had no idea who I was !!! It was crazy how she took me from a " man" to the gay best friend she would tell me she wanted me to be ! I'm not gay by the way not that I have a problem with it I have gay friends who hate her! Lol. Anyway now I am into me slowly but still on a crazy coaster ride. Out of no where heavy mood swings , triggers all over the place , if i didn't have kids I would have moved to another state and started over but now I'm in a custody battle that is horrible. I live at home with my elderly parents and if that isn't belittling enough , I am almost out of business because she stole so much money from it that I'm trying to recover. I have thought about writing a book or trying to find a way to help others in anyway possible to give back . To help people in this because it is the worst pain I have ever felt , EVER. And I am no stranger to pain. Thanks again for the responses. Karma is a bitch. Lets hope!

hatefulnow posted 8/11/2013 08:44 AM

First, sorry you find yourself here. It sucks. This is a great place that has saved the sanity of probably thousands so you're in good company.

I'm a Psychologist. I'm not into relationship therapy. I work in the correctional industry in my state. My focus with prisoners is getting them to face their lives, their choices
and get them to take responsibility for them. When I found out what my wife was doing and had been doing I used that mind set. If I could, I'd like to suggest it to you.

First, your wife is not a bad person, despite her current behavior. She is going through limerence, which is that feeling of new love when everything looks fresh and new and great. She's in a LA -LA land where unicorns fart rainbows while jumping over cotton candy clouds, lollipop forests and gum drop mountains. The reality of what she is doing hasn't hit home in a bad way. When it does (it always does) she'll rationalize that you had it coming because you weren't 'there' for her and her POSOM (piece of shit other man) was. That's a defense mechanism. I take the attitude of 'Father forgive them for they know not what they do'. Basically what she's experiencing is a form of mental illness. How could it not be? She's being vicious and deliberately hurtful to someone who has done nothing but love and support her. Maybe you weren't perfect, but who is? I'm sure if you think about it there were numerous times when she fell short as well. But I digress.

Now is the time for effective strategy. It is not too late to get your wife back. At this stage it will be difficult, but not impossible. Some may say impossible, but I say impossible just takes a little longer. I don't want to give you false hope however. She may not come around and even if she does, after everything, you may not want her back. But I want to suggest a strategy that I feel will give you the best option.

As I said, my focus is to get people to face reality and accept responsibility. You have to put your wife in a position where she has no choice but to do that.

First, defense. GET A LAWYER. Find a real low down barracuda to fight for you so you'll be ready if it comes to that. Have him/her help you find a detective, a real sneaky, thinking out of the box one. Gather all the info you can on her and 'Mr. Wonderful'. Find out especially if he's married. If he is, it's golden. Just gather the info and give it to his wife. Now he might just tell his wife it's over with her and run off with your wife. But more likely, he will throw your wife under the bus, quickly, to save his own ass. This has the effect of flooding LA LA land with ice cold water and drowning all the poor unicorns. She will probably be angry as hell, but who cares? Her initial anger will often be followed by an 'Oh my God! What have I done?!!' moment. Once out of LA LA land, and seeing POSOM for what he really is, she can start to figure out how to fix the mess she's made. She'll begin to see herself for what she has been...and I would help her with that! I would remind her of some of her harsh comments and actions and ask how can I trust he now. Make her work for it, then she can see herself for what she was when she started out and for what she can become again...your loving wife and life's partner. There are no guarantees in life but if you take action you can have a positive outcome.

Oh, btw, there is something on this site called the 180. I didn't use it myself, I was too angry and desirous of making my wife's life hell after I found out. But in your situation it might be a good idea. The 180 helps a person detach and get there head on straight. It allows one to focus. Good luck with everything. Keep us posted.

[This message edited by hatefulnow at 9:21 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]

jjct posted 8/11/2013 08:57 AM

Gently and respectfully, I disagree.
Your wife is evil.

Do you know she is messing with her own children's psychological health?
Who tells their children these things?

fly))) I'm going to suggest you avoid talk @ your W with the kids.
She is in full alienation of affection mode - get this straight - she is DAMAGING THEM!

So, when asked; "Do you miss mommy?" - You can say something age-appropriate like; "Dear little flys, I know you miss mommy, come here, let's hug. Now, who wants to go to the park and have fun?"

Re-direct that stuff. Their little minds are being divided.
Besides abusing you, guess what? She's abusing them.

That's evil.

womaninflux posted 8/11/2013 09:07 AM

Focus on yourself, your own healing.

You may want to check out the narcissistic personality disorder in the I can relate section of the forum. I'm no shrink but sound like she has a lot of these traits. Or she's an extreme bi polar or borderline.

You can't control her or her actions but you can control your reactions. It's owing to be hard but what other options do you have?

Re: family/friends I have found with these situations that its only a matter of time before people figure out who the real dysfunctional person is. I would not take it personally at all. They haven't had to live with her. Just saying.

Take care of yourself!!!!

Onan posted 8/11/2013 09:09 AM

Yes for me the psycological abuse is devastating. Ok so I need some help to understand the no remorse? Did she never love me in 19 years ? Does she hate me that much? Dam what a sucker !

Oh I hear you TF559! Good news is that you're in the right place for the best advice on the planet for your situation.

My situation is/was much like yours - no remorse is a whole new kind of hell. First and most important thing to know is It's not your fault, It has nothing to do with you.
I know it may be hard to understand initially but this needs to be repeated to yourself often because it not only true but helps with the emotional abuse that you're currently undergoing.

Your WW is not the same person you married. She is currently in whats called "the fog". She is minimizing her guilt with whats called blameshifting - modifying the marital history to make her look more like an angel and you more like a demon. The more she can blameshift the better she feels about herself doing the hellish things she is. Ironically she should know this herself as cognitive dissonance.
This is only one of the many aspects to infidelity you'll begin to see.

Please read the healing library (menu upper left) a few times and you'll become well versed in what you are going to need to know about the hows, whys and what you need to do.

I'll be keeping a close eye on this thread because your situation is so much like mine. Total lack of remorse from the WS is a hell like no other.

Take care man, and remember it has nothing to do with you!

jtom posted 8/11/2013 10:53 AM

Okay,I like most of the posters here have been where you are now.Youre own daughter has noticed your taking a beating, time to take the gloves off an go nuclear. Go talk to a good family law attorney now, not some ambulance chaser, but a good one whose primary practice is family law.Start getting your ducks in a row. Forgive me Iam sorry If I offend you but its time To MAN UP an get your self respect back. From this point onward don't give your WW the time of day. Find out if her boyfriend is married, you can hire a P.I. , or do it on youre own. Do not ask or tell your WW you are doing this. If he is Tell HIS WIFE, don't hesitate on this.Take care of yourself an your children.Remember you can't NIECE HER BACK.Dont take any more of her crap,stay strong.

Onan posted 8/11/2013 11:40 AM

One night after she served me divorce papers like 5 days after , one of my buddies saw her (in my new Mercedes I bought for her ) at a motel parking lot in the next state adjoining ours ,so I went there , took a picture of my car and called my lawyer , still nothing physical . I text her the picture and asked why my car is there and she did not answer or admit it . She just ignored me ! Which might even be worse . The very next day we had an argument ( heated) still no violence . I went to work and when I came home I found out she went to family court with a stalking and verbal abuse allegation and the cops removed me from my home.

IMHO this timeline reeks of manipulation in order to get you kicked out of your own house. Might narrow down the list of potential OM though.

Carry on...

5454real posted 8/11/2013 12:03 PM

Sorry you're here brother. Think you married my XWifes clone. Right up to the false DV charges.

My sitch differed in that she had a child from a previous marriage and *knew* that the courts would *never* split the kids and/or award a man primary custody. Well, she *knew* wrong. This was 20 years ago when the system was even more heavily biased against men. You can do this.

She said things like get out of her house

Absolutely no way!!! Do not leave, no matter how bad it gets. She wants out, show her the door.

And I want to lead my children by example. The abuse from my stbxw got so bad that my 8 year old daughter told me " daddy why do you tell me to stick up for myself and you let mommy do that stuff to you? " my son asked me if I miss mommy and I said yes of course why? He said because mommy said she doesn't miss you !

Get those kids into therapy NOW!!! This is just abuse on her part. Also, the results will be used in determining what is "in the best interest of the children." That's a phrase you will come to know intimately.

I journaled which helped

More than you may realize. It will be admissible in order to help document just who was at home taking care of the kids. Continue to do so. After divorce papers were filed in my case, I documented almost to the minute. Hired a PI to follow her. It wasn't to prove she was having an affair, but to prove how little time she was spending with the kids. It got her to lie on the stand, which once proved, ended any credibility she had.

stole from us

Provable? Excellent! Goes to character. Not that she has much.

Don't worry about anyone or thing other than yourself and your kids. Carry a VAR with you for every interaction. DON'T continue to accept her abuse. Let your new phrase become, "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Exercise the 180. Live it!!! DO NOT ENGAGE!

As others have stated. Lawyer now! Best D lawyer you can get. Nastiest, meanest take no prisoners type.

FWIW. My son was 3 when I was awarded custody. She couldn't believe the court gave me custody and fought all the way through the state supreme court. I won at every level. She was so sure that she would win, that she would have her "dates" show up at the house to pick her up. It was all a sham cause she was only after her AP. The "dates" were designed to hurt me.

I also disagree with the "limerance" comment. There are truly evil people in the world. Sorry you got involved with one. At best, maybe borderline personality disorder, but way too little info. Look it up.

Welcome brother. I send you strength and endurance for the trials ahead.

kernel posted 8/11/2013 12:53 PM

I am another with an X that never showed remorse. He never went the full evil route that your WW is on, but the complete emotional and physical abandonment is a special kind of hell to live through in itself. The way they use your own trust against you is just so malicious. ((Thefly))

I'm another one that disagrees on the limerence. She's been at this far too long for it to be new love. I'm not a fan of finding reasons/excuses for what is simply evil and malicious behavior. She's still CHOOSING to hurt you and her own kids. Does it really matter what her excuse/reason/diagnosis is at this point? At some point, a remorseless wayward goes over the line of what is forgiveable. It sounds like you are at that point.

Please follow the advice of the wise men on this site and protect yourself and your kids. Never meet your WW without witnesses and a VAR. I would even record phone calls if I were you. This is a war and you need to treat it that way.


[This message edited by kernel at 12:54 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

Betrayed444 posted 8/11/2013 13:25 PM

We're going to throw you a lifeline to The Menz club. Come on over

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 1:29 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

Thefly559 posted 8/11/2013 14:06 PM

You guys and ladies are awesome thanks for all the support. Sad part is that before marraige to her I was such the definition of a man. No tears , vulgar in ways , jeans and t shirt beer instead of wine kind of guy who always believed in holding a door open for a lady or getting up to let her sit , etc. she fell in love with me for that I think or thought. But somewhere down the line as I gave in to her demands for the sake of kids and marraige I became this pleaser. This yes man with no balls I am a guy and loved being one she wanted me to be her gay best friend and when I tried she lost the respect. You guys and ladies are right manning up was the best thing I ever did and not acting in the ways she portrays me ( violent) was even better . When she looked me dead in the eye and told me , before I caught her , to get out of " her " house because she is on match . Com and dating other men! I stood as calm as can be as she said it in front of my kids. Sure I yelled and cursed some ,but for any guy in that situation I think it was a normal reaction. The next day after I told her I don't care who she f--ks as long as she doesn't bring them around my kids , she brought a guy in my home in front of my kids and said he was a "friend" . He came in with one of her girlfriends who is in middle of divorce and promoted her exit . ( misery loves company ) I took a picture of the guy and called the cops. He left before they got their. Her and friend said I was nuts and an animal. I did not hit anyone. Because my kids were there and I knew that would screw up my case greatly. So I stood somewhat calm as could be in that situation. Either way you guys are right I way crossed the line of going back once it was proven she was having an affair condomless no less!!!! That killed ! But the apple didn't fall far from the tree her mother and sister did the same thing to their men almost exactly and live miserable lives with numerous boyfriends and sex for money. It's so sad I thought she was different and I like to think she was for a while but you guys are so right when you say this person is not the person I married. This is not my wife. She is long gone and never coming back . Just looking for the why? But don't think it will ever come. Thanks for the support.

Betrayed444 posted 8/11/2013 14:38 PM

I am recommending the married mans sex primer by athol Kay

Your wife has successfully turned an alpha to a beta male then got bored. Typical.

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