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Four Sunday mornings ago around this time, I was on the vacation of a lifetime with my family.

I woke up after 2 hours of restless sleep to run away...well, really to find the resort's gym, but I felt like running away.

For the past month, we've been working towards reconciliation. And it seemed that we were doing well.

I guess.

We spent two days at a waterpark, taking advantage of the last opportunity to use our multi-day passes. As a family, we had fun. Lots of fun.

Home, showers, dinner...you know the routine.

I was clearing the dinner dishes in a white tank top, and he commented that he loves my tan lines. He told me I'm beautiful.

I'm a fair-skinned strawberry-blonde. He married a fair-skinned strawberry-blonde girl almost 13 years ago.

I don't really "tan". I have some color right now, but it will fade.

He meant no harm, but her pictures are always in my mind. The pictures of her fresh from the tanning bed with her fake glow, fake boobs, fake nails, and fake blonde hair. The pictures he couldn't get enough of. The pictures he was willing to risk everything for. Not to mention the countless OW I'll never see a picture of. He admits to 2 others, but I know there are more.

And there I was. Clearing the family table. Fair-skinned. Breasts that nursed our three children for 2 years each. Natural nails that are functional instead of seductive. Hair that I've never colored permanently a day in my life.

We work hard for our money. He works hard to provide our family with access to health insurance. We have a daughter with some significant medical needs, and it costs thousands of dollars each year to provide the supplies she needs to survive.

I've chosen not to squander our resources on myself.

Fall will come. Then winter. My "tan" will fade, and I'll be the same fair-skinned girl I was before.

Before...when he allowed his heart to stray over, and over, and over and over, and...

Will I still be beautiful then? Will he ever see past the surface, and recognize the loyalty? The unconditional love? The dedication? The sacrifice? The woman who exists inside?

The woman who has tried her best to be a good partner to him for all these years.

I cried.

He asked me...

"Is this how it's going to be for the rest of our lives? I can only be beaten down so much."

I don't know how it's going to be for the rest of our lives. It's only been a month, and I haven't "beaten him down" much, if at all.

I'm doing better at hiding the chaotic chatter that plagues my mind. The heavy weight that has taken up residence inside my chest. The pit in my stomach that won't let me sleep without hearing the cadence of his voice telling other women the things he should have been telling me.

We have young children.

I'm doing better at hiding it.

But, make no mistake.

It is never...EVER...gone.

[This message edited by kickboxer at 7:51 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]

Kicboxer...I don't know your whole story, but your post makes me so sad...and mad for you! He's beaten down? Is your wh in IC or MC? Why do you have to keep all your feelings inside? And yes, you triggered. Over a year out and I still trigger...some I can get through fairly well and some can still be pretty rough. I read a text in which my wh called the ow beautiful. And still now, I cannot hear those words come out of his mouth. Maybe someday, but still for now, I just can't let him say that. I'm so sorry you are hurting, but trriggers are all part of infidelity. Your wh should have reached out to you, maybe apologized for putting you in this position to begin with, held you and reassured you. I'm so sorry he made you feel worse.

{kickboxer} I know just how you feel. I really don't believe the WS will EVER understand how deep and enduring the pain is. They can try, but IMHO they will never truly get it.

Just this weekend, I asked my WS for clarification about something A related. We spoke about it for a bit and then he said "It makes me so sad to think that you were thinking about this today" (we had my elder daughter and her H down for the weekend, celebrating the news that she is pregnant) I said, "Do you not understand that I think about this ALL the time, all day, every day?" He really doesn't understand that. It is always on my mind.

I really hope that in time your WS will realise that you are not "beating him down" you are being a normal BS!

His response is absolute shit. WTH? You're only a month out from dday..after finding out he cheated with multiple OW..and his reaction to your tears is..Poor me. Mememememememe. Pretty damn selfish. His affairs were all about him. Right now,this soon after dday,R is all about YOU..helping you through your shock and trauma.

Im sorry. This is not the response of a remorseful WH. Is he aware of the 2-5 year timeline? That it takes that long to heal from this shit?? And that is if your WS is remorseful,no TT,no broken NC,etc.

He has placed you on an emotional roller coaster that will last a very long time. He needs to put his big boy pants on and help you..or you need to 180 his ass. Take care of you.

What is he doing to show you he wants R? Is he fully transparent? Do you have passwords and access to everything? Is he answering your questions honestly,without blame or anger? Did he get tested for STD's? Is he in IC?

Im sorry he reacted that way. It's so unfair. Here you are,he has gutted you..you're bleeding out..reaching out asking him for help..and all he can think to say is how long are you going to do this to ME..poor me..*I* can't take this...

He clearly has no clue as to how devastated you are. Are you telling him about your pain? Are you sharing your feelings with him? Please don't stuff down how you feel. It is incredibly unhealthy. And he needs to know..he needs to hear..exactly how his actions have affected you.

He doesn't like it? Too bad. Im guessing you don't like hurting 24/7 either.

His response hurt.

I can't talk about it...he doesn't want to hear it. He asks me why I "do this to myself" when I verbalize a sliver of the madness going on inside.

I do have passwords, and he's allowed me access to everything -- except his computer, but I haven't asked for it either. Part of me is afraid -- VERY AFRAID -- of what I'll find. I don't know if I'm ready to dig through his computer...the pictures, the browser history, the places he goes because he's been so miserable with me.

That's what he told her.

He's miserable.

In my heart I want to believe he wants to fix things, but I think he's really only dedicated to the surface.

I'm not sure he realizes how deeply wounded I am...I'm not sure he really cares.

Are you in IC? If not, please do it for you. This $hit does not stay down no matter how good you are at hiding it. You need to be able to talk to someone. I'm sorry your WH isn't helping you. You did not do this to yourself. He did! He is also sweeping it under the rug.

(((Kick boxer)))

Thank you.

I'm stuck in that "zombie-exhaustion" because I couldn't sleep at all last night...I "napped" a little today, and have to work until midnight...today the world feels heavy.

I hurt for my children. The roller coaster this has put them on against their will.

Today I just hurt for them, and my heart breaks for the shattered life I thought we had.