I can really relate to the need to go back and contact the OW.
In my case with OW, I was very oblivious to everything at first. I trusted my husband fully and never knew what was going on behind my back. In 2010 I saw he got an email from an Old Girlfriend. I told him then to not contact her anymore because I didn't think they need to be talking. He said, she contacted him because she needed closure in their realtionship. WTC? THEIR realtionship ended when we got married 13 years previously. OW was married as well anyway. Anyway....in Novemeber of 2011 I saw a text from the same OW and I was like WTC? I thought you told her to not contact you? (The affair continued the whole time) So, as I feel I should I just "nicely" texted her back FOR dh to make sure it ended. I texted "Please stop contacting my husband".
Well...it continued right along behind my back. Christmas 2012, ( a year later) I found a text to her it just said "merry Christmas" I had no idea there was other contact and ongoing A. I took the liberty to text her back again and texted back...."Please stop contacting my husband. He has a loving wife and no need for friendship with an old girlfriend."
Of course this also didn't stop her/him whatever...I found another text on New Years 2013. I wrote her an email this time that said, Please stop. I am very uncomfortable with this. If you do not stop talking to my husband then I will have no choice to contact your husband. How do you think he will feel about this? I have his email and phone number. (I really didn't I just wanted her to stop).
Anyway--she never stopped. My husband never stopped either until June 25 of 2013--that was the last contact that I know of.
Anyway---apparently now that we are in the process of R, dh has told me that she would get very mean to him every time I sent a NC text or email. She said
"How dare she (me that is) threaten me! I can do what I want. When I want!! She has no right to tell me what I can do. She doesn't know who she is messing with! I can get your man if I want"
anyway---I obsess and obsess over this daily. I never knew her responses to my polite texts because I assumed that after I asked politely that she didn't call/text him back.
After the last email me I sent about contacting her husband...I did find an email that said (from my husband) "Don't worry we can still talk. I am very sorry for my wife's words. She is just jealous of what WE have. I love you!" (insert stupid pet name they have between them).
Anyway---I just want to write her back so badly!!!!! I never knew he sent that. Like someone else posted, I think it makes me look so weak that I backed down and didn't contact her back. I guess this is just my perception?
I just feel she is gloating somehwere thinking--HA that wife! She can't tell me what to do! I can do what I want!
I just want to write her and tell her that she almost destroyed a marriage of 16 years. I have 7 kids. How dare she ? It is so wrong. She stole moments away from me.
Yes, I 100% realize that my husband did this too but it is true that she started the whole contact.
I can't understand why she did she it anyway. According to her, she had a great marriage. She had a great job. She has money. She goes on vacation. She has nice clothes. She has everything.
Then she took my marriage away from me.
I know everyone will say it wasn't her. But I disagree. This is how I feel.
I just feel that she got an idea in her head one day and decided that she didn't care if my husband was married (she knew ahead of time) she was just going to go ahead and come in to our marriage and steal him away. I really feel that was her intent. Not to marry him or anything---she just wanted to make him love her and then drop him. (this was her life long pattern with men).
Anyway---I don't know if I can go the rest of life and not say anything to her in return.
I am obsessed with writing her.
I think some of them, OW in my case included, enjoy the superiorness they think it gives them to know they have been able to steal a married man, they feel so high and mighty, like they are better than us.
I wish you all the best as you go through this nightmare as well.
As for contacting her again, it really hasnt accomplished anything and it gives her the motivation to continue messing around with your husband when you do it. They seem to get pleasure out of knowing we think about them and are letting them get under our skin
As much as you want to contact her, it is not making her stop, it is having the opposite effect. It did in my case and WH is still with her.
Best of luck
i kn wo the other times didn't stop her--but I only said stop.
I feel like I want to express my feelings to her of how much her actions disrespected me and hurt me.
It would be harder for her to contact again this time as I alone have all the passwords on all the email accounts that were used except for one and that one her email address will be sent to trash. The phone numbers to her home, cell and work were all blocked. She would have to call from another number.
This time around I shared a few choice words and all it did was prompt her to contact WH (or XWH I guess - hard to know what to call him since we're technically divorced). NC really is the best way to go - I understand where you're coming from but it just doesn't help. If nothing else, write her a letter that you never send. I have a whole journal full of those.
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
Limbo? I don't even know if that's what this is.
I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.
Pardon the 2-by-4, but she is not your friend. She is not a friend of the marriage. You're not going to convince her of anything. You will not deliver any revelations that improve her life and yours.
Conspiratorially sharing information with the person who conspired against you to end your marriage is the height of perversity.
You may gain a false sense of control by interacting with her. You may be lulling yourself into a "knowledge is power" sense of safety. You may believe there's actually such a thing as closure.
But peace and safety come from within (and within your relationship, if you successfully R), and closure is a myth.
The ONLY person in this scenario who should be contacted--and it's way overdue--is her husband. He deserves to know the truth of his marriage so he can make informed decisions. And he needs to be tested for STDs.
You want to put an end to things? THAT is your best bet.
Right now, you're just feeding the drama llama. It is serving NO useful purpose. You will NOT induce the OW to think, "Oh, dear! I was wrong all along! Ionlytalkedto her was RIGHT---I have been impinging on her marriage, and never really had a meaningful relationship with her husband! He was lying to be about being unhappy at home! Oh, what have I done?!"
No. She's thinking, "Jesus Christ, no WONDER he kept talking to me. She IS a crazy whackadoo."
Because THAT, my dear, is how affairs get justified. And you are playing RIGHT into it.
Tell the other BS. Then:
NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT.
(Protest all you want, but the OW isn't the problem here, really. Sure, she's part of it. But your HUSBAND is the bigger part. Doesn't matter who "started it." That's illusory. Your husband chose to have an affair with her. Period. You can insist otherwise all you want---but if you're using that rationale to fuel ongoing contact with this woman--who is NOT happy in her perfect life with perfect vacations--you're helping keep the affair alive. Do you not realize that contact from YOU is gratifying to her? That it helps justify her actions? It fosters the "See? THIS is why he had an affair!" mindset? STOP IT NOW.)
Write all you want. Put it in a journal.Or tear out the pages and burn them, watching the smoke rise and symbolically letting it go. But DO NOT GIVE THIS WOMAN ONE MORE SPECK OF YOUR DIGNITY.
I know everyone will say it wasn't her. But I disagree. This is how I feel.
You can disagree til pigs fly, but it doesn't make us wrong.
Your WH made a conscious choice to carry on an affair with this OW. He did that. No one held a gun to his head... So before you open yourself up to even more pain from his choice, please remember that HE inflicted the pain.
He should be your main concern, if you are considering R. Not her. Not the whore who got your previous messages and basically stomped on them as if she truly had the right too.
If you want another helping of the shit sandwich served to you on a silver platter then by all means, go ahead and rip the bandaid off your scab-covered heart and contact his OW again. I guarantee you, based in her actions already, that you will bleed to death from those scabs before she ever does or says something to make you feel better about this.
She is not like you as she has no heart and is evil to do what she has done. She would get off on any attention you give her. Don' t give her that. She is nothing.
And like everyone else said, even though she was a partner in the affair, it was MY H who stepped outside our marriage, she didn't drag him. I am having a hard time with this now. He brought this trash into our lives but we don't have to dump it out all over the house. It should stay outside where it belongs.
Thanks so much for all the posts in this thread (and others). It's helping me see that even though I got some satisfaction from letting her know what I think if what she did, she doesn't care.
I hope you can find peace.
Edited: stupid typos
[This message edited by AML04 at 11:52 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]
Face it - when she contacted him initially he could have shut it down- it was his lack of boundaries that allowed her to intrude on your marriage.
It doesn't matter who started the affair YOUR PARTNER made a choice to enter the affair.
I look at my own behavior, I was in the same marriage as my XH. I was propositioned once or twice while married. I never entertained the thought of cheating on my (now x)H. If he propositioned OW -that was his choice. If she propositioned him - it was his choice. Either way it started, HE MADE THE CHOICE TO DISREGARD HIS VOWS TO ME.
Everyone who cheats made that choice, you can rationalize/justify/rugsweep/shift blame all you/they want. It just makes healing from this harder in the long run.
I suggest you read in wayward. The veterans there get it.
Get all you have together, find out where he works and go see him around the end of the day and tell NO ONE you are going.
This is the only way to have someone watch her to make sure she doesn't go near you WH again...
me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day