I would like to know the emotional reasons why any of you stayed-was it love of who he was? was it faith in who he could be? was it your own desire to stay committed no matter what? was it fear of finding another cheater?
Has it been what you expected, better or worse? Do you feel like it's been worth your pain?
I know none of these answers are easy, and that I cannot make decisions based on your answers. I am just curious and am trying to figure out why I would give him another chance against my better judgement.
I stayed because I believed our marriage and he deserved a second chance. I believed he could be the man I once knew, and the man I married. I made a commitment and I wanted to make sure that I gave it everything I could before I let it go.
He also listened when I told him what I needed from him, IC/MC, transparency, honesty, no contact, answering my questions, comforting me and all the emotional room I needed to heal. He appeared to be all in and completely on board with reconciling. Since I saw his supposed remorse and his actions matched his words (other than that small part about leaving his AP ) I decided to give it a go. Now that he abused the gift I gave him of reconciliation, I don't know if I can or want to extend another hand in his direction.
He swears it is over with her, but he got around keyloggers, cell phones, GPS and anything else I put in place, so I don't bother trying to track his activities anymore.
But staying and fighting was my knee jerk reaction and it's proven to be the right thing for us.
I fought because I wasn't giving up that easily and because I owned my part that lent to our marriage being in a place where he allowed himself to cheat. I did not cause his cheating and he is completely in the wrong there. But I helped break our marriage down to a place where it was vulnerable. I just never imagined that would be the outcome.
I also fought because I love him and because we have kids. And because I've loved him for 17 years and he's loved me for most of that too.
I thought that if our marriage had been strong, this girl would not have seeped in. It was a theory. I wasn't sure because in the fog, FWH was convinced she was special and they had found something special together. But now, months later he realizes the situation allowed him to believe he'd found something special when really it was just "something" he wanted to find at that time.
We are better than we were before he ever met this girl. We are better than we were when our kids were born. We are still working, but it gets better every day. Even little steps backward are something we work through together instead of retreating to our own corners and brooding apart from one another. We were really missing a lot of coping skills.
I'm not what I ought to be. I'm not what I want to be. I'm not what I hope to be. But thank God, I'm not what I used to be.
The truth is that I do love my WH. We do have a great connection, friendship etc...
We have kids.
But more than all that, although I am not sure about the truthfulness of what he said happened in the past and we are still working on that, he has never once wavered on his desire to be with me. I am not sure if I could have stayed if that was the case. Although I have read of other stories on here, where the couple came out just fine in the end.
I think it is just such a personal choice and the reasons are personal for everyone on here.
Just because you D, does not mean you cannot R in the future. I would be watching his actions long term. Yes, right now he is saying he wants to R. What are his actions saying? And will they keep saying he is committed to R in the long run? I think only time will tell.
Hugs Perfect life. None of this is easy, no matter which way it goes.
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Viktor Frankl
"When you are happy, you can forgive a great deal."
With WH#1, I had stopped loving him, so the revelation of an A was kind of a relief, as it gave me a good excuse to leave the marriage.
With WH#2--current FWH--I loved him, and knew that at some level he still loved me, too. I knew there was something there worth salvaging, or trying to salvage. Like musiclovingmom, religion played a role as well--the concepts of repentance and redemption, the view of marriage as a holy sacrament to be ended only under grave circumstances.
That said, if FWH had not shown remorse right away, I would have been to the divorce lawyer's office so fast it would make your head spin--because A is indeed a grave circumstance.
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA
So you do it one day at a time until you can't...and on that day you know. If that day never comes the doubt and questions fade and eventually become replaced with strength and conviction.
I do love my husband and I miss what we once had, but I know it can never be the same.
We had a good marriage before the A, but now it is better than what we had before.
In my opinion there are too many mixed emotions following D-day, making it very difficult for a BS to make a clear decision about the future. As long as you have a remorseful that is maintaining NC, I believe it is wise to wait 6 months to 1 year before making a decision to D, which is what I did. When I took my wedding vows, I said for better or worse. Now I know what was meant by worse. Before my marriage ended in D, I wanted to feel comfortable knowing I did everything I could to save it. My wedding vows required me to a least try and I am a man of my word.
Many people treat an affair and R as the death of the marriage followed by a reboot. I no longer see it that way. An affair and R is part of the ups and downs that may challenge a marriage as it runs it's entire course.
At 6+ years out, I am very happy with my choice to R. Looking back, I have no regrets.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 12:50 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]
Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
I stayed because it was the only option that I felt a complete sense of peace about.
Shirley Glass IDs a stage call 'working on the M' that may be appropriate for you. Observe your H for some months (3? 6? 12?) If he consistently does all the things he needs to do for R, during that period, and you want to R, you can stop the D process.
was it love of who he was? was it faith in who he could be? was it your own desire to stay committed no matter what?
All of the above.
...fear of finding another cheater?
That argued against staying. The big questions in this area were: does she love me? Is she in love with me?
She said yes. I knew only tome would tell, and I was willing to give her the time.
Has it been what you expected, better or worse?
Yes. I guess this is another 'all of the above'. Even in an ideal R, shit happens, and it can be excruciating. and yet other things go better than expected.
Do you feel like it's been worth your pain?
My take is that we have to deal with the pain as soon as we have a D-Day. For us, the pain specific to R is a less unwelcome than the pain specific to D, so I'm glad we're in R.
Observe your H for some months (3? 6? 12?) If he consistently does all the things he needs to do for R, during that period, and you want to R, you can stop the D process.
This is kind of where I am right now. Even though we are separated, I told him I am not talking about the marriage "today" and that if he wants to fight he can. I am seeing where he goes with that. In the meantime, I am not checking up on him because it's to stressful for me. I have ways of finding out later if he kept NC or not.
I am doing my thing with my kids and continue to communicate with him about the boys.
He says he's in IC and doing everything he can to prove to me that he deserves "one last chance".
The thing that kind of throws me is that he wants to "date" or spend time with me. It's been only a few weeks since he was last with her. I am hesitant to give him that time "today". I told him we need to go a few weeks before I will consider spending time with him. He has a lot of issues about being alone, and honestly I won't be able to see how he handles them until I know he has truly been exposed to that stress.
Does that make sense?
He had NC right away and was very remorseful after the fog started to lift. Blowing up his life was not what he had in mind with an A.
We started MC/IC right away and he started working on the "why".
Although I loved my H very much, I was not sure that I could get over the magnitude of his A.
I have never imagined my life without my H and frankly, it is difficult. He says he never imagined his life without me and that was confirmed by the OW. She said he never promised her anything and that they "lived in the moment" (she was not sorry about the A or the damage).
For now, both my feet are in R and we are both fully committed. I have moments where I spiral downward and wonder if I can really do this. But, for now, there are more good days than bad. At 6 months, I re-upped to a year.
My H is doing everything he can to help me heal and I continue to stay because I love him deeply. I have seen his brokenness and want to continue to witness his transformation.
Do I love him now? I am having a hard time sorting through my emotions in order to figure that out. The IC I saw said I was suppressing my love... I don't know. I have moments of tenderness, being with him feels "comfortable" and "comforting" when I can rid my head of affair thoughts. Is that love? I don't know.
This time around, you have no idea how badly I want to walk away. How easy it would be since we're already divorced. But this time I feel very strongly that we should reconcile for religious reasons - not because our church is pushing it, but because I feel like that's where God is leading me. I'm trying as hard as I can but it's really difficult to believe that I gave him another chance AFTER divorce and he wasn't grateful enough to be faithful.
R Began 5/21/11
D-Day #2 7/9/13 (OW #2 is OW #1's first cousin)
R Began (again) 5/03/14