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myperfectlife posted 8/11/2013 10:27 AM

I've already filed for D. Now that I have my STBX is textbombing me and supposedly went NC with OW on his own.
I haven't checked because I am trying to concentrate on me.
I am telling him that he can fight if he wants, but that I am moving forward with the D at the moment.
I check the R board (we had several weeks of false R at different times) and I check the D board as well.
I am feeling ok these days, and am trying not to think about my marriage and what would need to happen for it to survive. It stresses me out to think about checking his phone, worrying about where he is, wondering if I am doing what I should or if he has the energy to continue doing what I need to do to R.
I also know there's a difference between surviving and thriving.
I do love my husband and I miss what we once had, but I know it can never be the same.
I think he's remorseful, but not enough time has passed for me to see the big picture.

I would like to know the emotional reasons why any of you stayed-was it love of who he was? was it faith in who he could be? was it your own desire to stay committed no matter what? was it fear of finding another cheater?
Has it been what you expected, better or worse? Do you feel like it's been worth your pain?

I know none of these answers are easy, and that I cannot make decisions based on your answers. I am just curious and am trying to figure out why I would give him another chance against my better judgement.

Kierst13 posted 8/11/2013 10:58 AM

These are all reasons why I stayed after DDay#1, now that I've had Dday#2 I don't know that I will stay.

I stayed because I believed our marriage and he deserved a second chance. I believed he could be the man I once knew, and the man I married. I made a commitment and I wanted to make sure that I gave it everything I could before I let it go.

He also listened when I told him what I needed from him, IC/MC, transparency, honesty, no contact, answering my questions, comforting me and all the emotional room I needed to heal. He appeared to be all in and completely on board with reconciling. Since I saw his supposed remorse and his actions matched his words (other than that small part about leaving his AP ) I decided to give it a go. Now that he abused the gift I gave him of reconciliation, I don't know if I can or want to extend another hand in his direction.

He swears it is over with her, but he got around keyloggers, cell phones, GPS and anything else I put in place, so I don't bother trying to track his activities anymore.

jellybean22 posted 8/11/2013 11:01 AM

I think everyone's situation is different so even if I stayed because of XYZ, that might not apply to anyone else. I think if I had filed for divorce after DDay that would have been completely reasonable and the right thing to do.

But staying and fighting was my knee jerk reaction and it's proven to be the right thing for us.

I fought because I wasn't giving up that easily and because I owned my part that lent to our marriage being in a place where he allowed himself to cheat. I did not cause his cheating and he is completely in the wrong there. But I helped break our marriage down to a place where it was vulnerable. I just never imagined that would be the outcome.

I also fought because I love him and because we have kids. And because I've loved him for 17 years and he's loved me for most of that too.

I thought that if our marriage had been strong, this girl would not have seeped in. It was a theory. I wasn't sure because in the fog, FWH was convinced she was special and they had found something special together. But now, months later he realizes the situation allowed him to believe he'd found something special when really it was just "something" he wanted to find at that time.

We are better than we were before he ever met this girl. We are better than we were when our kids were born. We are still working, but it gets better every day. Even little steps backward are something we work through together instead of retreating to our own corners and brooding apart from one another. We were really missing a lot of coping skills.

ifinallyfoundme posted 8/11/2013 11:07 AM

Love your story Jellybean and I can relate.

brokensmile322 posted 8/11/2013 11:30 AM

I am still working on staying. Struggling.

The truth is that I do love my WH. We do have a great connection, friendship etc...

We have kids.

But more than all that, although I am not sure about the truthfulness of what he said happened in the past and we are still working on that, he has never once wavered on his desire to be with me. I am not sure if I could have stayed if that was the case. Although I have read of other stories on here, where the couple came out just fine in the end.

I think it is just such a personal choice and the reasons are personal for everyone on here.

Just because you D, does not mean you cannot R in the future. I would be watching his actions long term. Yes, right now he is saying he wants to R. What are his actions saying? And will they keep saying he is committed to R in the long run? I think only time will tell.

Hugs Perfect life. None of this is easy, no matter which way it goes.

musiclovingmom posted 8/11/2013 12:20 PM

I stayed because it was the only option that I felt a complete sense of peace about. I know that sounds strange. The day after dday, I knew that the right choice for me was to stay. I played out and prayed about every possible outcome. The only one that left me feeling calm and sure and peaceful was staying. I'm a fighter and knew I couldn't leave without giving it my all. My H was remorseful from minute 1. He immediately suspended any contact he had with any of the OW and has never looked back. I loved him and he loved me and our family was built on love (2 kids and one on the way on dday). Without getting preachy, I knew that it was in God's plan for me to stay. The past year has been anything but easy as we've searched and dug and talked and cried, but our whole family is closer for it. That's why I stayed.

SadFlower posted 8/11/2013 12:36 PM

My reasons are much the same as musiclovingmom's. My FWH was remorseful from the beginning, went NC right away, and has been working hard to regain my trust.

With WH#1, I had stopped loving him, so the revelation of an A was kind of a relief, as it gave me a good excuse to leave the marriage.

With WH#2--current FWH--I loved him, and knew that at some level he still loved me, too. I knew there was something there worth salvaging, or trying to salvage. Like musiclovingmom, religion played a role as well--the concepts of repentance and redemption, the view of marriage as a holy sacrament to be ended only under grave circumstances.

That said, if FWH had not shown remorse right away, I would have been to the divorce lawyer's office so fast it would make your head spin--because A is indeed a grave circumstance.

boontje posted 8/11/2013 12:40 PM

In the very beginning, I stayed because I honestly didn't know what else to do. I was paralyzed with fear and complete shock. Divorce is exactly what he deserved at the time (I can see that crystal clear now that two years have passed), but it was the furthest thing from my thoughts.i was even one of "those" people who had always said I would leave if he ever cheated. We had been married 23 years at the time, and I couldn't even allow myself to imagine my life without him. I'm glad I didn't.

HardenMyHeart posted 8/11/2013 12:47 PM

I do love my husband and I miss what we once had, but I know it can never be the same.

We had a good marriage before the A, but now it is better than what we had before.

In my opinion there are too many mixed emotions following D-day, making it very difficult for a BS to make a clear decision about the future. As long as you have a remorseful that is maintaining NC, I believe it is wise to wait 6 months to 1 year before making a decision to D, which is what I did. When I took my wedding vows, I said for better or worse. Now I know what was meant by worse. Before my marriage ended in D, I wanted to feel comfortable knowing I did everything I could to save it. My wedding vows required me to a least try and I am a man of my word.

Many people treat an affair and R as the death of the marriage followed by a reboot. I no longer see it that way. An affair and R is part of the ups and downs that may challenge a marriage as it runs it's entire course.

At 6+ years out, I am very happy with my choice to R. Looking back, I have no regrets.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 12:50 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

myperfectlife posted 8/11/2013 13:01 PM

I love all of these responses!
Thank you so much for sharing your hearts and thoughts with me.
I wish that the moment I found out that my WH would have come out of the fog. Yes, he was terrified I would leave him, but his actions continued to say that he also needed whatever it was she was giving him.
Part of my hesitation about R is that we did try several weeks at a time and it was too much work for him at the time.
He could not remain NC with her for more than a week or 2. I don't really think its about her though.
I understand the dynamics of our relationship and especially the stress of the past year which put him in a vulnerable state. However, I do not accept that having an affair was his only option. Seeking a coping mechanism elsewhere has been a pattern with him (previous 6 month EA) and that needs fixed.
We have been together 18 years. That's half my life. I love that man and I loved the life we had before this.
But this struck me, and it's what I've been thinking about lately.

I stayed because it was the only option that I felt a complete sense of peace about.

Before I knew there was another woman, when I thought he wanted a divorce for other reasons (marital re-write) I totally believed this.
Now, when I think about R, it freaks me out. I get sweaty, heart palpitations, worry, self-loathing and doubt. I worry about my children, I worry about whether or not I could go "all in". Maybe it is because we are already physically separated. Maybe it's because I have been divorced before. Maybe it's because he had an EA 5 years ago and I never felt "all in" after that anyway. How could I trust my heart to him *not TRUST HIM* but trust my heart to him...after this?
I note that a lot of people in R describe themselves as "zombies".
I don't want to live that way. My past love for him is not my future love for him.
Does that make sense?
He emptied that bank account and now I don't know if it can ever go above zero balance.
I understand the theory of "give it time". If it had been that clear cut without the TT and the lies, the broken NC and the continued back and forth, maybe I would feel differently.
Today, the only thought that gives me any peace at all is moving on.
Who knows about tomorrow?

sisoon posted 8/11/2013 13:12 PM

Just to be sure - have you looked at the other similar thread that's active now?

Shirley Glass IDs a stage call 'working on the M' that may be appropriate for you. Observe your H for some months (3? 6? 12?) If he consistently does all the things he needs to do for R, during that period, and you want to R, you can stop the D process.

was it love of who he was? was it faith in who he could be? was it your own desire to stay committed no matter what?

All of the above.

...fear of finding another cheater?

That argued against staying. The big questions in this area were: does she love me? Is she in love with me?

She said yes. I knew only tome would tell, and I was willing to give her the time.

Has it been what you expected, better or worse?

Yes. I guess this is another 'all of the above'. Even in an ideal R, shit happens, and it can be excruciating. and yet other things go better than expected.

Do you feel like it's been worth your pain?

My take is that we have to deal with the pain as soon as we have a D-Day. For us, the pain specific to R is a less unwelcome than the pain specific to D, so I'm glad we're in R.

myperfectlife posted 8/11/2013 13:18 PM

Thank you sisoon,

Observe your H for some months (3? 6? 12?) If he consistently does all the things he needs to do for R, during that period, and you want to R, you can stop the D process.

This is kind of where I am right now. Even though we are separated, I told him I am not talking about the marriage "today" and that if he wants to fight he can. I am seeing where he goes with that. In the meantime, I am not checking up on him because it's to stressful for me. I have ways of finding out later if he kept NC or not.
I am doing my thing with my kids and continue to communicate with him about the boys.
He says he's in IC and doing everything he can to prove to me that he deserves "one last chance".
The thing that kind of throws me is that he wants to "date" or spend time with me. It's been only a few weeks since he was last with her. I am hesitant to give him that time "today". I told him we need to go a few weeks before I will consider spending time with him. He has a lot of issues about being alone, and honestly I won't be able to see how he handles them until I know he has truly been exposed to that stress.
Does that make sense?

5674emt posted 8/11/2013 14:23 PM

We are in R because, he is repentant, upholds NC, it is what my heart says needs to happen...
I do not know exactly where you are in A journey, but it will still have to be up to you to evaluate the imput to make your life changing decisions.
I did marry for better or for worse, this A is definitly a WORSE. Still, with WH and God helping to heal me, I can do this.
It's your life, be good to yourself and seek healing. Then move forward

Undone1 posted 8/11/2013 15:48 PM

Initially I stayed because I was in shock and horribly depressed and anxious. I like all the others who have commented never though I could stayed with a cheater. In fact I believed that strong people left and weak people stayed. Boy was I wrong!! If anyone would need to leave, it would have been my fWH. After reading the SI site, I was advised not to make any major decisions for 6 months.

He had NC right away and was very remorseful after the fog started to lift. Blowing up his life was not what he had in mind with an A.

We started MC/IC right away and he started working on the "why".

Although I loved my H very much, I was not sure that I could get over the magnitude of his A.

I have never imagined my life without my H and frankly, it is difficult. He says he never imagined his life without me and that was confirmed by the OW. She said he never promised her anything and that they "lived in the moment" (she was not sorry about the A or the damage).

For now, both my feet are in R and we are both fully committed. I have moments where I spiral downward and wonder if I can really do this. But, for now, there are more good days than bad. At 6 months, I re-upped to a year.

My H is doing everything he can to help me heal and I continue to stay because I love him deeply. I have seen his brokenness and want to continue to witness his transformation.

Scubachick posted 8/11/2013 20:53 PM

I stayed because his EA woke me up. We had been living like roommates for the past couple years. We didn't fight...we barely communicated. I was numb and just going through the motions. He was working all the time so we didn't spend much time together. At times I questioned if I still loved him. I was just trying to keep it together until my son was out of high school. When I found out about the EA, the thought of him and another woman or life without him broke my heart. I realized then how much I really do love him. That 18 years is a long time to give up so easily. It made me realize that marriage takes work on both of our parts. But the biggest reason I stayed is because he forgave me when I had a brief EA 5 years ago (i never hid mine or lied about it) He's never thrown it in my face. It would have been so easy for him to do after he got caught but he didn't.

mchercheur posted 8/11/2013 21:15 PM

To be honest, I mainly stayed to keep our family together. This family is the most important thing in the world to me. Once we have an empty nest, I will re-evaluate at that time----so WH has a few years to work on "getting it".

jjsr posted 8/11/2013 22:50 PM

I stayed for a variety of reasons. 2 years ago when I found out the truth, I wanted to hurt him badly. I knew for a long time things were not right. At that point we had been together 27 years. I took the totality of our relationship into consideration. I know that he is a decent man, in spite of his EA and ONS. He was willing to do MC as long as we needed it. We are still doing it, two years later and he is trying even if I don't see that or not in the way I want.
I also stayed because of money, to be honest. He is military and for a lot of our married life, I worked part time or was a SAHM. At my age now, and with no formal education, I can not support myself, sad to say. I also feel that what we have is because we both worked for it in different ways. I stayed and raised two sons, kept the house etc and moved my ass all over the place so he could be in the military. I have earned what we have money wise too even if I wasn't bringing home a paycheck.

ItsaClimb posted 8/12/2013 03:41 AM

I stayed because we have a long history together - we've been together our entire adult lives, it seemed foolish and terrifying to throw that all away. I think I would have an extremely hard time living the single life. Financially, my entire life would change - I would go from a comfortable life-style to really struggling to make ends meet. I would have had to give up my home and my beloved pets. I stayed because I didn't want to break up my family.

Do I love him now? I am having a hard time sorting through my emotions in order to figure that out. The IC I saw said I was suppressing my love... I don't know. I have moments of tenderness, being with him feels "comfortable" and "comforting" when I can rid my head of affair thoughts. Is that love? I don't know.

brainless twit posted 8/13/2013 01:16 AM

I stayed for 3 years trying to work things out after D-Day #1. My H was "it" for me; I loved him (and still love him) more than anyone or anything in the world. When I eventually filed for D, we were never really able to let go of each other even after it was final. I tried dating several times and I always felt horribly guilty, like I was betraying the husband I didn't even have anymore. We have been on and off ever since the D.

This time around, you have no idea how badly I want to walk away. How easy it would be since we're already divorced. But this time I feel very strongly that we should reconcile for religious reasons - not because our church is pushing it, but because I feel like that's where God is leading me. I'm trying as hard as I can but it's really difficult to believe that I gave him another chance AFTER divorce and he wasn't grateful enough to be faithful.

myperfectlife posted 8/13/2013 13:13 PM

You are breaking my heart!
I have not rescinded my divorce, it's still in the process. But every day is filled with thoughts of how much I've loved him, our history, our he loves me in his own very amazing way. (um, besides cheating on me)
I just have this feeling I will regret it if I stay. That I won't be able to live with MYSELF if I stay, because of all the things he has done and said to damage me.
I've thought that it would take Divorce for us to get the marriage right too. Isn't that so odd?
And yes, it is so hard to walk away.
I hope things get better for you, one way or another.

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