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How far do you go to find out...

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Andthencraigslis posted 8/11/2013 11:17 AM

So I posted this weekend , that I found out my husband a few years ago started to reply to a w4m post on CL. I confronted him and he deleted all emails before I could check anything else. So of course there is more... I'm now wondering how far to go to look deeper- his financial control is almost absolute- I simply don't have access to much, he is away now for 2 weeks on business, and I had an opportunity to go with him and he didn't want me to...this is the first time he ever suggested I stay home. At the time I thought I would kind of like a weekend without the kids and him too so I didn't question it.
But of course now my mind is spinning, about creating fake profiles and seeing if he responds and finding ways to check his accounts, go through his papers in his home office.
But it all doesn't feel like who I am. I know I can't leave now, but I certainly can makes steps to make leaving a possibility in the future. Going back to work, getting myself on accounts, saving money on the side. Just making it so I can take care of my children and I know I'll be ok without him.
This information hurt enough, is it wrong to not want to know the truth? Or to at least not change who I am to seek it out?

emotionalgirl posted 8/11/2013 11:34 AM

Hi andthen....I understand what you are saying. My WS has not given TD and will not NC while I am watching. Although he appears very repentant and appears to have had NC this week I can not be sure. I too am not Ina place I can leave right now , and although I initially found out by using find my phone on iCloud and checking his texts I felt as if I was doing something fundamentally wrong. I want the truth but I dot want to have to be dishonest myself to find it. It is all very confusing in my head. I think you are every right to get your ducks in a row so that you can leave in the future, that is what I am doing now. I am focusing on me and 180 and watching and not trusting Nything right now. I create movies in my head but am trying hard to not make things up that are not based on facts. Seeing an IC was a huge help. I just can't
I've with ,yield doing something that is so out of my nature. Good luck to you. Keep coming here, everyone is very supportive (((hugs))).

nestlee posted 8/11/2013 11:39 AM

I feel U. My husband has control over all finances. I don't like being nosy. But I am his wife and deserve the truth. If your H is like mine and won't admit to his wrong doings..then it's time for U take matters in your own hands. Start looking for the truth. Because I learnt..If there's proof on hand . then their will never be a confession. They will just deni, deni.

NowWhat106 posted 8/11/2013 14:50 PM

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. It is truly horrible, but if you aren't willing to do whatever it takes to find out what is happening to your life, you're at his mercy. My WH had been lying to me for so long, he didn't even know what the truth looked like. He NEVER would have voluntarily come clean with me.

This is NOT being nosy or sneaky! This is your life! He is withholding the truth about YOUR life from you, your marital life, your sexual life, your financial life, your health, everything!

By lying, he is exposing you to financial insecurity. He is endangering your life if he is engaging in unsafe sexual behavior. He is endangering your children's lives and security.

Getting the truth that he is deliberately hiding from you is protecting yourself and your children! He has broken the promises he made to protect you and them. Now, it's your job to protect all of you.

Please, use the time you have to go through everything you possibly can. Get beyond your sense that snooping is somehow betraying your values. He is the one who is betraying you and your children. You have to get the truth for yourself because he is deliberately hiding the truth of YOUR life from you.

If you insist on playing by rules that he is not bound by, you are helping him deceive you. Take some control back for yourself and your children. Yes, this doesn't feel like you. Being betrayed changes us. Your decision now is whether or not trusting him to make good decisions for all of you is working or not. Knowledge is power, and right now, he's the only one who knows what's really going on.

Take your power back!

Compartmented posted 8/11/2013 15:15 PM

It's not wrong to try and protect yourself physically, emotionally and financially. Don't feel bad for snooping. You are trying to take care of yourself. You wouldn't be doing this if he hadn't done what he did.

Do a web search on financial infidelity. Keep reading and researching, and as best you can, try NOT to tip your hand to your husband.

confused615 posted 8/11/2013 15:18 PM

If you know what his email address is..the one he was using for CL..and he's given you the password(now that he has deleted everything,he should have no problem with you having it)go to CL and log in...and his CL account will come up...it will show you every ad he has placed.

Or take the hard drive in and have it checked.

You need to know. IMO,how can you move forward,until you know what you're moving forward "from*?

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:19 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

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