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Got dumped out of the blue

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fraeuken posted 8/11/2013 11:58 AM

I got dumped out of the blue, via text message of all things. This by the man whom I just planned Labor Day weekend in Napa with. His reason: he does not trust me.

Backstory: he knew I was going to be out for GNO. My girlfriends and I had planned to be at a certain location and I had mentioned it to him. Then one of the girls changed the location last minute to a different place to try something new. SO was out of town anyhow, I did not mention the change of venue. Well, instead of coming back to town on Saturday, he came back Friday night, expected me to see me at this place and did not. He did not contact me, only when I texted him to check in he blew a gasket at me that I was not on GNO but lying and cheating. And that we were over!

I can't even begin to understand. Accusing me of lying and cheating after what I have been through is almost worse than the breakup itself.

Needless to say I tried to explain the situation to him but he had worked himself into such a paranoia that there was no way to have him see his error in judgement.

He was cheated on in his marriage. Not sure I did something to trigger him. I am just stunned, stunned and really hurt to be dumped this way.

No new relationship for me ever again. I made myself vulnerable again. Never again.

[This message edited by fraeuken at 11:59 AM, August 11th (Sunday)]

Jrazz posted 8/11/2013 12:03 PM

OMG I'm so sorry! I thought things were going so well.

My gut response is the "He who smelt it dealt it." here, which doesn't offer much solace. Has he been insecure (regarding your relationship specifically - not his past) like this previously? If not, it seems like he may be projecting something happening on his side of the fence.

Whatever the reason, it's heartbreaking and I'm truly sorry. If he was going to wig out like this at any point, you dodged a longterm bullet here.

Please let me know if you need anything. I'm here for you.

(((fraeuken)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:04 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

gma56 posted 8/11/2013 12:05 PM

I'm sorry but it sounds like he has some serious unresolved issues. This exactly what we don't want to take into our NB.

I understand being upset you weren't at the place you said you were going but why not just call/text and ask ?

Without him doing his own work, you dodged a bullet that would have come out later in the relationship.
You can't fix him, we have learned that lesson well.

homewrecked2011 posted 8/11/2013 12:10 PM

I learned in counseling,,,"what do you KNOW, versus what do you THINK?"

It's unfortunate he didn't try to find out the truth before the blow up. He's probably always going to be like this---maybe he has always been this way......

better4me posted 8/11/2013 12:17 PM

So sorry. He really jumped to conclusions, and probably would do it again...do you really want to live like that?

As for this

No new relationship for me ever again. I made myself vulnerable again. Never again.
I've felt this way time and time again, but you know what? Hearts heal...your's will too....(((fraeuken)))

[This message edited by better4me at 12:18 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

Sad in AZ posted 8/11/2013 12:18 PM

Sweety, I think you dodged a bullet. Why the hell was he looking for you on your GNO? That says more about him than anything you could have done. I have a feeling your life with him would have been one mistrustful encounter after another.

I am sorry that you're hurt, but try to see the bright side.

million pieces posted 8/11/2013 12:24 PM

Sweety, I think you dodged a bullet. Why the hell was he looking for you on your GNO? That says more about him than anything you could have done. I have a feeling your life with him would have been one mistrustful encounter after another.

I was going to mention this too, why would he be trying to track you down on a GNO? And really who has concrete plans for something like that?

fraeuken posted 8/11/2013 12:25 PM

Thanks and I know I might have dodged a bullet. Doesn't lessen the hurt right now. I am sure glad my best friend from Germany is coming to visit tomorrow. I need the distraction.

phmh posted 8/11/2013 12:31 PM

(((frauken)))

This sucks. And you're right -- even knowing that you dodged a bullet doesn't make it hurt any less. But you are strong and resilient and learned some lessons from this which will help in your next relationship!!!

jo2love posted 8/11/2013 12:41 PM

(((fraeuken)))

I'm so sorry. To be accused of something and then broken up with out of left field? It has to be painful, confusing, and frustrating. Sending you strength and huge hugs.

FaithFool posted 8/11/2013 12:48 PM

In your first posts about him you mentioned he seemed a bit insecure about the age difference.

I think he may have decided to test you. It just seems a bit too deliberate to show up at the place you were supposed to be at on a GNO. Who does that? An insecure person...

Take2 posted 8/11/2013 13:00 PM

Aw, that sucks. I'm sorry Frauken.

Sadly I can see myself reacting in the same way he did. Not that I would accuse the person of lying and cheating - but I may well have ended the relationship if I was told one thing and found out it wasn't true. But that is why I am not in, or looking for a relationship. I'm not ready - I'm guessing he isn't either.

[This message edited by Take2 at 1:05 PM, August 11th (Sunday)]

fraeuken posted 8/11/2013 13:08 PM

I agree. There has been a continues underlying insecurity about the age difference even though in our daily interaction and physically it did not ever matter. Or so I thought. And I let him know when he brought it up that I have never been with anybody as passionate as him and that it was not an issue ever.

I don't want to be tested. I am loyal to a fault. I was very clear with him that I will never tolerate infidelity and will never be unfaithful because I have been on the receiving end of it.

Looks also like he left town. Not showing up at church, his friend mentioning to me this morning that SO is not picking up his phone. I am worried about this side of him. Goes to show, love makes you blind.


wildbananas posted 8/11/2013 13:17 PM

I am so sorry, fraeuken... this really sucks. Even though you dodged a bullet, it doesn't make it hurt any less.

(((fraeuken)))

cayc posted 8/11/2013 13:54 PM

I predict you will hear from him after he calms down. I think he it sounds like he thought he was doing something romantic (going to stop by and meet your girlfriends) so when he didn't find you, he felt rejected in two ways.

Idk what you want to do about it when you hear from him b/c his actions are over the top. I guess it will depend upon what he says. The feelings he's having I get, it's just what he's doing with them that ... give pause.

I'm sorry to hear this. But you know what? You reached out, enjoyed yourself, learned that you're ready to date and ... you are. This one just may not have been it. You've nothing to be afraid of or ashamed of.

(((frauken)))

tesla posted 8/11/2013 14:10 PM

Oh frauken, I'm sorry to hear this.

His reaction, though, is very similar to reactions that my ex-shat would have to things he was feeling insecure about...right down to the disappearing act. I think that you will hear from him again. If you do, please, proceed very cautiously.

fraeuken posted 8/11/2013 16:29 PM

Thanks you all :-) Church was comforting and put things into perspective; now I am re-organizing the kitchen and getting the house ready for my friend to arrive tomorrow (her first time to the US). I picked a nice bottle of wine, got some steak for the girls and me for dinner and will just relax with a movie on my brandnew couch.

I will admit I miss him and I miss the thought of his embrace and kiss and the feeling of just chilling with him like we did so many nights for the past few weeks when my DDs were gone on vacation with their father. I will miss the laughter and the conversations. But I do see the red flags - as passionate as he is, he is very jealous, he can be controlling and I think because of his own unresolved hurt in the past he would not be the stable partner I need. I learned from him I can love again and I experienced a level of passion I never have in my 44 years. Maybe that's all it was meant to be.

caregiver9000 posted 8/11/2013 19:48 PM

(((fraeuken))))

I hope you have a good visit with your friend.


I learned from him I can love again and I experienced a level of passion I never have in my 44 years. Maybe that's all it was meant to be.

um... that is a lot!!

stillstrong posted 8/11/2013 20:02 PM

I learned from him I can love again and I experienced a level of passion I never have in my 44 years. Maybe that's all it was meant to be.

That's a wonderful attitude, and I'm happy for you that you learned that much (and experienced a higher level of passion). When the pain fades, hopefully it will help you to move on, knowing that more/better is out there.
I also, like the others, think you dodged a bullet here. The need to defend yourself must be strong for someone as loyal as you.

hexed posted 8/11/2013 20:22 PM

((Freuken))


I'm sorry this happened.

I had a wonderful 4 month relationship with someone during the first summer I was dating again. It was passionate and intense and doomed. It still hurt but it did remind me I could feel again. It took a while to recover but I did and dated and loved again.

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